Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Three Signs of the Apocalypse

Ok - I know some of you are going to accuse me of having an oral fixation this morning. But I don't make this sh*t up - I just blog it. I read the news today, oh boy. (Yeah, I'm still reveling in the Halftime Show. You know me, I try to focus on the positive.) Anyway, I think I have discovered Three Signs of the Apocalypse. And I haven't even had my daily dose of Ben's coffee yet. Ben favors Cuban coffee...and that brings me to the First Sign of the Apocalypse:

1. Cuba Bans Cigar Smoking

Mercedes and Josefa think the ban sucks Posted by Hello

I mean, wow, I did not see that coming! Did Nostradamus list this? If not, he should have. Cuz if the country whose biggest claims to fame are cigars and retro-military couture stubs out the former....what's next? Will Barbados ban rum? Will Ireland ban Guinness? Will Israel and Palestine ban bullets? Oh wait...this just in from CNN.com: Palestinians, Israel announce cease-fire. Is there no end to the madness?!

One kindly old Cuban gentleman was quoted thus: "They can't take this away from me. I'll kill them." While clutching a nice, fat stogie, Graciela Gonzalez, 80, added, "This is my life." Wow. Who knew? Apparently, the residents are really sinking their teeth into their Cohibas and taking a stand. This could trigger a coup. You just watch.

2. As far as I am concerned, the Second Sign of the apocalypse is the Florida man accused of biting the head off a parrot at a party. I know Ozzie made aviary decapitation popular back in the day but, come on! A parrot? At a party? We have scores of parrots in our backyard. And yes, they are a raucous, freaking bunch. And yes, Ben and I have considered taking potshots at them with the bee-bee gun. But notice our restraint! We have never done it.

Anyway, what disturbs me the most about this news item is that it is unclear whether the parrot was provoking the guy. Apparently, they were playing a friendly game of pool and the parrot was perched on someone's shoulder. Then birdbiter dude grabbed the victim and, with one giant munch, separated the body from the head. I suspect the parrot was talking smack. Like, "Come on, doofus. You know you can't make that shot. Yer gonna scratch, fo' shizzle." And that's when the tragedy occurred.

The suspect fled the scene and later said he couldn't remember what happened. You have blackouts, dear. I think he probably has amnesia - you know, the kind Farrah Fawcett got in that movie when she burned her bully husband in his bed. The dude probably had "bird rage". Can a pool playing parrot provoke a crime of passion? Apparently. It's got to be a sign.

3. And in more toothy news, the Sun-Sentinel reports: Suspect leaves teeth at crime scene. You have got to read that story for yourself. It is so wrong in so many ways - it just has to be a sign. Let me tell you the parts that make me gag.

For starters, the dude had his social security number etched into his false teeth. What is going on over there in Sweden?? Is denture theft such a popular crime that the only way you can guarantee you are getting your goods back is to brand them with personal info? It's like etching your car's VIN onto the engine. Yikes! Secondly, the engraved enamels fell out when he was fleeing the scene (I mean, didn't he notice?). And finally, the scene was (are you ready?) a cafeteria. Yep. Dude was trying to rob a cafeteria. Seems to me having your teeth handy would be important in that situation. Or is it just me?

Well there you have it. Other (smarter) people will say that today's true sign of the Apocalypse is the fact that human cloning has now been legalized in England. That doesn't bother me. Maybe they can clone some people with better...teeth.

Time for that cafe Cubano. Ciao.

P.S. "Laissez les bon temps roulez." Happy Fat Tuesday!

No comments: