Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Got Milk?

by Sassy Stoner

So the officer pulls me over and asks me to step out of the car. Being the smart person that I am, I oblige him without any fuss whatsoever. I could hear Jazzy saying to me, Don't give 'em probable cause, dude!

"Is there a problem, sir?" I ask in my sweetest of voices.

"You were weaving a little and doing 23 mph." He's not a bad looking guy - shaved head, mid-twenties, buff. He's wearing Maui Jim sunglasses so I figure he might be a boater or a surfer. All in all, I think, I could have been arrested by someone much less appealing.

"Officer, I didn't realize that doing 23 mph was a bad thing," I offer timidly, trying to smile, flirt, and act innocent, all at the same time.

"Well, when you're in the middle lane, surrounded by cars going 75 mph, on I-95, in the middle of the day, it's not such a good thing." He doesn't even look up to say this. He is too busy writing a ticket already.

Dammit! He has a point! Why was I driving so slow? I haven't had any vodka cocktails yet. I mean, it's only 8:35 a.m. and I don't crack the seal on the Absolut 'til around 10:45 a.m. So why was I driving like an old maid leaving Bingo?

Friends, let me just tell you - I would torture myself with this question for days. And then, I read this article that explained it all: Cannabis-munching cows to get change of diet. Need I say more?

Surprise, surprise - cows eat grass. Posted by Hello

Yep. You guessed it. Being the savvy, 30-something year old woman that I am, I drink at least a gallon of milk a day. Well, I started out drinking 8 oz a day for the calcium benefits, but then I found that the lactose laden libation was making me feel pretty good...so 8 became 16, became a quart, became a gallon. I can tell you that milk really does a body good in those quantities. I mean, after I finish my gallon, I usually have to either take a nap or watch a few SpongeBob Square Pants episodes.

But I had no idea what was going on. Seriously.

Next thing I know, I am getting a $65 ticket from baldy for driving too slow for the conditions. What conditions?? I think I was driving at exactly the right speed considering the condition I was in! Whatever, dude. I'm chill.

But I think cop man should have given me a pat on the back for my healthy diet. I was simply DUM - "Driving Under [the influence of] Milk". The fuzz should be thankful for the fact that I wasn't DUL - you know, "Driving Under...Listerine".

Yes, you heard me! Drunk on Listerine. You know, like that lady that got pulled over for drunk driving, who blew three times (dude, THREE times!) over the legal limit for blood alcohol, all because she drank three glasses of mouthwash. Turns out Listerine is like 40 proof! Damn! And here I'm wasting money on expensive vodka! My question is - how do you fail a breathaylzer after drinking Listerine?

Of course, speaking of driving mishaps, what about the driver's ed teacher who got run over by her student? Here's a question for all my loyal readers: If you're a driver's ed teacher, and two of your students collide, and then one backs up over you and pins you under the car for 15 minutes, who fails? Discuss amongst yourselves. I mean, she was teaching them about going forward and backing up. Seems to me they accomplished those tasks just fine.

Anyway, I have laid off the lactose and the Listerine. From here on out, I am sticking to vodka... and the sofa.


P.S. My critical reviewer (Nizzle) thinks I should point out that I didn't really get that ticket....Hey, it was a post about driving...I was utilizing artistic license....

No comments: