Thursday, June 30, 2005

Pot Providing Patron Pinched

[heavy, dejected sigh]....What is the world coming to?

Ungrateful Barrista Busts Benevolent Bud Tipper

A Starbucks employee got a dude arrested in Jacksonville, Florida this week...all because he left her a half-gram of pot as a tip.

Alright, alright...before I get all pissed off at the bitchy barrista, let's do some math: Considering you can't get a friggin' cup of regular coffee for less than half a week's salary at Starbucks...and 15% of that is...and the street value of a half-gram of regular skunk weed is.....and carry the 2.....Ok, ok, ok....maybe dude under-tipped.

So, I'm thinking of opening a coffee shop here at Sassy Travels. Our motto will be:

The Sassy Sambuca Cafe
No order too tall. No tip too small.

What d'ya think?

Signed,
Sambuca Sassy

AND BY THE WAY: I say we boycott coffee shops that narc people out! I mean, what if I go to the drive thru and order a caramel machiatto? Do I have to worry that the barrista is gonna buzz the fuzz just because I smell a little [ok.....a lot] like scotch? It's time for the tippers and the tipsy to stand united! So let's start the protest first thing tomorrow! Not too early in the day though, ok?.....Oh, and...well, actually, Fridays are bad for me because it's all day two for one happy hour at Brownies.... [Yep, you're probably right, Sam. What with me and the doobie donor, this is gonna be the least organized protest in history......]

[Ok - that last little rant took a lot out of me....I need to go lay down now].

"Pot Latte" photo copyright © 2005, Sassy Travels



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Jeepers Creepers....

By way of follow up to our recent runaway bride rant, peep this:

According to the wandering Wilbanks' twin brother, Jenny was something of a juvie....In a New York Post interview, Matthew describes his sibling as a shoplifting psycho, who has been arrested on more than one occasion. He even says that, thanks to his special twin-tuning, he had a hunch the whole abduction horror was a hoax right from the get go. Lovely....

In the article, our fave flee-ancée [I wish I had coined that term] is also described as a sweater stealing stalker. Oh...and it also turns out J-Willy may have inherited her flighty ways. Seems mommy was a runner too; she bolted from her husband after she was busted boinking her boss. It's a juicy article!

Anyway, most importantly, another burning question has been answered:

The Question: Where did she get those peepers?
The Answer: Cosmetic surgery gone wild....

According to the Post's sources, Jenny has had her eyes done [botched], her boobs done [gee, really?], and her jaw deliberately broken and wired shut [too bad they removed the wire....]. The woman's a mess! But she sure does make great blogger fodder. See, e.g., .

Signed,

Surgery Free Sassy

P.S. The hysterical photo above was created by fellow blogger, Steakbellie. You can read his hilarious posts on the topic here. Shout out to Philly!

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A Man After My Own Heart...

Belgian Government Official: No beer? No lunch.

Yep. Dude told visiting dignitaries that if he couldn't have beer at their official lunch, he wasn't going. Now that's what I'm talking about!

Signed,
Sassy Swiller

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Politician Calls Constituents "Idiots"

Ok, clearly this dude is a dolt. Not only did he accidentally send the offending message to something like 300 voters, the retarded Republican posted it on a rival's website. Ass. [Oh wait...the ass is the symbol of Democrats, isn't it? Sorry....I get so confused.] Anyway, the cyber-challenged congressman quickly followed up his faux pas with another e-mail, apologizing for the first...and ratings for the Democrat's website have started to soar....

Ya know...sometimes you just have to wonder about politicians. Ok, not just sometimes....most of the time.

Signed,
Cyber-Competent Sassy


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Breaking News: Meerkats Are Back?

As some of you have noticed, Dude and Dudette seem to have found their way home subsequent to their mysterious disappearance. They have informed us that, due to certain tension between them and Playdough, they will no longer be permanent fixtures at Sassy Travels. However, they will visit from time to time (at very random intervals over which I have no control). If you are lucky enough to spot them, they are usually located near the bottom of the [all new!] right sidebar.

Welcome home, Dudes!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Bret's Just Depressed

No comment.

Wait, I better clarify that we're talking about Tropical Storm Bret. It was downgraded to a depression.....

[You didn't fall for that one, did you?]

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

A Sassy Travels Public Service Announcement

"Don't Drink And Drive...A Tank."
Russian Soldiers Steal Tank To Buy Vodka

Ya know...I bet it seemed like a good idea at the time....

Can't you just picture it? There they are, getting bored with their routine patrol assignment, on a cold, cold Russian night. The hours go by ever so slowly until the young tank driver turns to the veteran gunner and says:

Pvt.Vladimir: [heavy Russian accent] Comrade, it's friggin' cold here! Where the hell are we? Siberia?

Sgt. Dmitri: [heavy South Jersey accent] Um...Dah.

Pvt.Vladimir: But what should we do? The Commandant has forbidden fires for fear of enemy attack.

Sgt Dmitri: Dah.

Pvt. Vladimir: Perhaps we should huddle together as Russian bears to preserve our body heat. I should come to lay on top of you?

Sgt. Dmitri: Nyet! You гомосексуальный сумасшедший! [Russian for "crazy friggin' homo!"]

Pvt. Vladimir: Well, what, then? I am not to perish this night!

Sgt. Dmitri: We need водка!

Pvt. Vladimir: водка?

Sgt. Dmitri: Dah. Preferably Stoli...but I'm ok with Popov too.

Pvt. Vladimir: But how, comrade? The closest liquor store is forty friggin' kilometers away!

Sgt. Dmitri: We take the tank and travel to Tyumen and visit a vodka vendor!

And off they went - the naive, young Vladimir driving through the icy night on the most noble quest a man can undertake: the quest for booze. Although, the twosome weren't too talkative during the trip to Tyumen, their tongues got loose on the way back to base.

Sgt. Dmitri: [Taking a big swig of Stoli] Dude, I hate the Commandant. He's an задница.

Pvt. Vladimir: I agree, dude. [Guzzling vodka with one hand, scratching his ass with the other, and steering the tank with his knees...eyes slightly glazed over] He made me do double duty last week. But his wife is a total лисица. If she shows up in that pink miniskirt one more time...well, I can't be held responsible for my actions.

Sgt. Dmitri: [Swillin' some more Stoli] Hahahahaha!

And so on....The trip back to base seemed shorter for some reason. Perhaps it was the light traffic, or the lively conversation, or the warming effect of the Stoli. Then again, maybe it was that whole crashing through a fence into a used-car showroom, damaging several vehicles thing.....

Anyway, Sassy applauds the Siberian soldiers' Stoli efforts, even if they didn't quite succeed. I hope the punishment isn't too harsh. I mean, I think they've learned their lesson:

"If you're gonna steal a military vehicle worth millions of dollars to make a booze run, make sure you have a designated driver who ain't drinking!"

And that, ladies and gents, is the Sassy Travels PSA for this week!

Signed,
Svedka Swillin' Sassy

P.S. For those of you who don't speak Russian, you can translate any words you didn't understand here. Are we having fun, or what?

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Saturday, June 25, 2005

Sassy's Summer Stupidity Series (Updated Post!)

Ok - so it's not a Summer Concert Series like on the Today show but, we at Sassy Travels feel obliged to point out that scores of stupid slobs seem to surface during the summer solstice. [Sorry...it's Saturday morning, and you know what that means........]




[Yep....Sassy's sucking down a screwdriver and seeing how many alliterations she can up with....A mind's a terrible thing to get wasted....].







Anyway - along the lines of our Village Idiot Contest, we submit the following candidates for Mensa membership (not!):

1. Pizza Shop Robber Leaves Job Application

So, while he patiently waited to hold up the pizza parlor, dude filled out a job application....Yep. It wasn't hard for the police to track him down, seeing as how he was kind enough to leave his real name and address....

2. Burger Joint Burglars Leave DNA

Seems like fast food is the preferred diet of delinquents these days. These thugs munched on some burgers before they robbed the restaurant. Too bad they didn't finish their meals....Hey, what's better than leaving your name and address for the cops to find? Leaving your genetic code....

3. Woman Leaves Bullet .....(in stupid boyfriend's mouth)

Ok, look....How many times have I told you guys not to let your angry girlfriends put guns in your mouth??! Some men are really retarded! Why you guys let pissed off women tie you up and do crazy things like cut off your testicles....well, it's beyond me.

Anyway, I gotta go. I have consumed my cocktail and now it's nap time.....[How's that for one last Sassy set of alliterations?]


Silly Sassy

P.S. Based on a his behavior during an interview on the afore-mentioned Today show - apparently, now he's an expert on pharmaceutical findings [and by "expert" we mean "friggin' idiot"] - a petition was promptly posted at the Sassy Travels headquarters suggestng that Tom Cruise be added to the Summer Stupidity Series line-up.....For those of you interested in voting, here's an official ballot. Just email it back to Sassy when you're ready!

Chow mein!

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Friday, June 24, 2005

Musicians Strike A Chord Against Poverty

Live 8 Precedes G8 Summer Summit in Scotland



Dude! Live 8 is almost here! As you probably already know, the five (transatlantic) concerts will feature Seriously Sassy (i.e. kickass!) bands such as: Snow Patrol, Coldplay, Dave Matthews Band, Maroon 5, The Cure, Keane, The Killers, Green Day, Pink Floyd (reunited!), Kaiser Chiefs, Linkin Park, Barenaked Ladies, Roxy Music, REM, and..oh yeah*...U2.

At noon on July 2, you can tune in to this event on MTV, VH1, XM satellite radio or AOL (live streaming broadcast). Click here for more info re: the broadcasts.

But more importantly, do something! [For example, our photo will be one of the hundreds of thousands lining the two-mile Long Walk To Justice].

Signed,
Selfless Sassy

[By the way - for those of you who don't blog, let me tell you - it takes a LONGass time to create a post with this many embedded links....I'm frickin' exhausted...I know, I know - I'm not usually this socially conscious, activist, or altruistic. Must be that time of month....or the scotch.....]

*The rather sarcastic "oh yeah" preceding the announcement of U2's involvement in Live 8 was intended solely for the purpose of riling up Jazzy and Kif and does not necessarily reflect the views of the editors of this blog.


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Thursday, June 23, 2005

A Post From Playdough

In response to the pooch's preposterous post, I submit the following:


Yeah - and you say us cats are retarded... ?

Signed,

Playdough, The Definition of Good Taste

A Sassy Travels Administrative Announcement

Well, I'm sad to say, the meerkats got away. I think Playdough had something to do with it because I overheard him mumbling something about him being the only true cat in the house.

Anyway, after tons of research and phone calls to special marketing experts, [and, yes, several Bloody Marys], we developed a new logo:


The new logo!

Naturally, this will be featured on all new merchandise (including t-shirts, tote bags, coffee mugs, and beer bongs) on sale at the Sassy Travels Gift Shop, which can be found next to the water fountain on the first floor.

Oh - and please notice the updated links posted in the right sidebar, especially "Blogs that link here", which is my personal "shout out" (or "thank you" for those of you who don't speak Ebonics) to the most loyal Sassy Travels readers, i.e. those who actually dare to put a link to our blog on theirs! These people rule! (And their blogs are definitely worth checking out!)

Anyway - we thank you for your patience during these modifications and look forward to seeing you again soon!

Signed,
The Editors

P.S. If you find the meerkats (they come to "Dude" and "Dudette"), please let us know. There is a substantial reward* for their rescue. Thanks!

* NOTE: Said reward is in the form of a four-legged feline, believed to be responsible for the mysterious disappearance of Dude and Dudette.

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Rut Roh....

Pentagon Digs For Data On U.S. Students Older Than 16

Um....Can you say "draft"....?

Yo, Nizzle! Big brother is watching you!

Signed,
Suspicious Sassy

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Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Wilbanks Had The Willies

Katie Couric Interviews Runaway Bride

Dude - that was one of the funniest interviews ever! I'm still giggling! Did you know that a friend introduced to John Mason because they both love to....[tee hee!]....RUN?!? Hahahahaa! Too funny! And on the night she left, J-Willy told her dude that she was going out for a jog. [Katie Couric says, "Well - that was technically true. She just didn't say how far she was gonna run...."] Such humor! Good times, good times.

Anyway, so why did she do it? I think this billboard in the bride's hometown says it all:



Yep...they're pissed off in Duluth. And with good reason! Turns out the jogging jilter has negotiated a $500,000 deal for the movie rights to her life story. No wonder she didn't have any trouble cutting a measly $13,000 check to pay for some of the overtime city workers spent looking for her.

As for the upcoming movie, I guess the potential sponsors are countless. I mean, obviously Nike and Lady Footlocker would want some of that action. Then there would be the Supercuts ad, featuring a reenactment of Wilbanks chopping off her hair on the run, followed by footage of her in the salon getting a proper trim, with a voice-over: "Supercuts....We know how it is." [That really is their tag line.] Of course, Greyhound (a major sponsor) would change their tag line to "Leave the fleeing to us". I imagine Visine would jump on the bridewagon too, seeing as how that chick never blinks!.....Ahh - the possibilities are endless.

But I think the big money will come from Neuticles, the maker of prosthetic testicles for neutered pets. [What? You don't believe me? I dare you to click on the link!] They'd have an ad featuring John Mason, the poster child for my next village idiot contest. [Seriously, how can he stay with that wench?] Anyway, the nutty commercial would close with the groom holding up a twosome of testes and announcing:


Indeed....

Well, I really can't judge Jenny-On-The-Jog. After all, if I were about to get married, I'd run too. 'Course, it would just be a beer run....

Signed,
Sam Adams Swillin' Sassy

[Ed. Note: Thanks to Bernie for the Neuticles link!]

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Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Update To Klan Post

Killen found guilty of killin'....Guess he wasn't just a bystander after all.....

Tom Cruise Is A Squirt

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Tom Cruise is too short. Seriously, ladies, y'all know what I'm saying. He would be totally hot if he weren't so damned pint-sized. Two fries short of a Happy Meal, that's what I say. [And y'all know I love my McFries!] How come Scientology can't make him taller? I mean, I find it almost embarrassing to watch when he kisses Katie.... She has to bend down for cripes' sake! Not me...I'll take a long, tall drink of cool water every time......[And, no, I don't drink stupid Kabbalah water.....Puh-leeze! Y'all know I prefer melted ice cubes....in scotch....] Speaking of water....wanna see what I refer to as the Squirt Gets Squirted video? Click here!

Signed,
Skirtless Sassy
(Um...wait...did I say "Skirtless"? How very Freudian of me.......I meant "Squirtless"- the Cap'n is 6'1").

[By the way - although those Kabbalah people seem to be putting lots of people under their spell, apparently they don't know how to spell...."Imbueded"????? Christ, don't get me started....]

P.S. Thanks to SHUDS for the video!

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Monday, June 20, 2005

Breaking News: Saddam Likes Doritos...

...but don't feed him any Froot Loops!

A Post From Sam, The Dog

So, I was kicking back at home when I read the following story in our local newspaper:

Breaking News: Cat Has Two Faces


This, my friends, is not news.

I could have told you that years ago.

All cats are conniving, cantankerous, crafty and cunning creatures.


Well...all except this one...he's obviously retarded.

Seriously though - cats should be banned from existence. They cheat, lie, scratch, spray, and steal cheese treats from deserving dogs. I hate them.

Signed,
Sam, The Faithful Friend

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Defense Attorney Describes Killen as "Just A Bystander" in the Klan

Yep. And I'm just a bystander in the pub....

Another Sassy Travels Mo-Po

Mo-Po = J-Jive for "Mobile Post".....

Today, to an exclusive showing of a private, antique car collection! Sweet!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Monday, June 13, 2005

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SPIDER PHOENIX.....

You know who you are.....

Sassy Travels

Dear Loyal Readers:

Sassy and the Cap'n have to go to Puerto Rico today. Don't worry - I don't think the federales are onto us......yet.....But leaving the jurisdiction seems like the most prudent thing to do right now. [You see, baby, there was this struggle....and as a result of the struggle.....]

Actually, we're just going to live la vida loca for a week. I'm gonna replenish my intravenous Bacardi supply and the Captain wants to do some windsurfing. If I see anything blogworthy, I'll send you a mobile blog. [Other than that, you're on your own with the Sassy Travels archives for the week. I challenge you to read everything written in 2004....there will be a test when I get back].

By the way, as you can see from the [rather crappy] cell-cam photo in the post below, we went to Stomp! last night. It was awesome and I highly recommend it (even though one of the dancers informed me after the show that he was a Pistons fan....dickhead!). Ben was completely swept away. No way to explain it...just go see it. You'll laugh, you'll clap, you'll STOMP!

Anyway - I gotta go. My coffee needs Kahlua and the airport cab is on its way. Boricua here we come!

Signed,

Senorita Sassy

P.S. Can you name the song referenced in paragraph one? (Not you, Kif. You know everything.)

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Saturday, June 11, 2005

A New Sassy Travels Feature: Mobile Blogging!

Thanks to Blogger's latest technology, Sassy is now able to post blogs from her cell phone! Follow Sassy Travels with instant, live updates from around the world! [I love the 21st Century!]

This is what Sassy is doing right now. Collective Soul concert @ Culture Room!

P.S. They ROCKED OUT!

Friday, June 10, 2005

"Paulie's Not Wearing Any Underwear..."

That was the horrified announcement I heard from the man standing next to me.

And, upon further inspection, I noticed, it was true. It was tragic, but it was true. Paulie was still laying on the ground, after his tortured tumble down the stairs from the overhead balcony. And yes, his legs were still hiked over his head, in what looked to be a very uncomfortable position (I think I saw it on page 6 of the Kama Sutra). Needless to say, his kilt no longer provided any coverage whatsoever. And the sight before my eyes was....what did Shelly call it?....oh yeah....PINK. (Did I mention that the steps - all 17 of them - were made of splintery wood? And that Paulie hit every step on his way down?) And yet another burning question is answered (you know, the one about Scotsmen and kilts?)....


And the answer is: "Nothing."

[Sam, the dog, just informed me that y'all don't know what the hell I'm talking about...and that perhaps I should give you some background info. So let me rewind....]

One of our fave Bajans, Shelly, was visiting the EFF state this week and we seized upon the opportunity to get together for a nice, quiet lunch. [Alright, alright...admittedly there's nothing quiet about us].

"Let's go over to that place on the water where they have those kickass rumrunners," I say.

"Yeah, good call," the Captain replies. And off we go, Shelly oohing and ahhing at the yachts along the way. But when we get there, the valet informs us that the restaurant is closed for a private party.

"Can we still get drinks at the bar though?" I ask. [Hey man - I've got my priorities.]

"Um....I think so. But go through the front door of the hotel," the valet offers tentatively. So Shelly and I hop out of the Jeep and storm the hotel. We're on a mission.

"We're closed for a private party," the front desk dude announces.

"Really?" I pout. And then, I perform Jedi mind tricks that would make Obi Wan drop to his knees and beg for mercy. "The valet dude said we could come in," I say in my best Betty Boop voice. Big blink. Tilt head. Big blink.

"Yesssss.....you....cannnnn......," he intones. [Front desk clerks are so easy. Hey, Jazzy and Reebster, remember how I worked that dude at the Best Western in Times Square? "But I have to pee and I can't find my key...."]

So...cut to, me and Shelly striding boldly into the private party as if it were being thrown for us. Shelly is rocking tight, low [and I do mean LOW]-rise jeans and a lacy, white halter top. Designer shades. Hair slicked back. Full-on attitude. Me? Sassy simplicity in a brown mini-dress and no panty lines. [Wink, wink]. The Captain parks the car and strolls in as if he owns the joint (he didn't even have to do Jedi mind tricks). Party on, Wayne.

We fly under the radar long enough to enjoy several free Bacardi cocktails, a few Heinekens, and a couple of Tequila shots. [Yeah...we got pretty loaded]. Next thing you know, it's time for the Belly Flop Contest by the pool. [Look - don't ask for too many details...just go with it, ok?] And that's when we meet Paulie.

How should I describe Paulie? Let's see....big, burly, boisterous, bombed and, unfortunately for us, kilted. Paulie is also very keen on winning the Belly Flop affair. After watching the other contestants for a while, Paulie announces that he's ready to take his turn. And then we all watch in abject horror as Paulie mounts the steps to the second floor balcony, pausing briefly to burp. He then turns around on wobbly legs and.....

"Holy shit! He's not gonna......" I hear someone whisper, aghast.

"Mother of god! Someone should stop him!" Another private party person squeals. We all watch, transfixed.

"No! He wouldn't...."

Yes - he did. Paulie dove head first down the steps in a maneuver that only Chris Berman of ESPN could describe: "Rumbling, stumbling, bumbling...." Head over heels. Ass over elbows. It was the longest fall down a flight of stairs in recorded history. And the most visually disturbing.

Paulie eventually manages to un-contort himself and stands up, swaying slightly. He takes two steps towards the edge of the pool and falls again.

"He's not even gonna make it to the pool," one guy says, and starts taking bets.

By now, those of us that haven't submitted to projectile vomiting after witnessing Paulie's pink...uhh...package....are trying not to spill our drinks as we laugh our asses off.

"Wait! Wait! He's getting up again!"

A cheer goes up from the crowd and Paulie inches a bit closer to the pool. Then, standing unsteadily at the edge, he takes a big breath and plunges in. It wasn't the best belly flop, but the applause was thunderous.

Now, loyal readers, you'd think we would all have the sense to avert our eyes when Paulie decided to exit the pool. You'd think so, wouldn't you? But nooooo....not us. We waited and watched and then wailed when he slithered out.

Shelly: "Oh my god! I've never seen anything so PINK in all my life!"

Sassy: [still trying not to spill drink] "Holy shit! Those look painful!"

The crowd gapes, Ben guffaws, I guzzle my Bacardi. Finally, Shelly shouts out: "Paulie! Dude! Your kilt has come undone!"

Upon receiving this information, Paulie smiles stupidly, gives Shelly a thumbs up as if to thank her for the tip, and then simply twists the kilt around. So now everyone standing behind him is treated the other side of Paulie's pinkness.

We laughed like loons. Then we beat a hasty retreat because, four hours (and many drinks) later, someone figured out we weren't with the party.....

After that, we entertained ourselves by pretending Shelly was a Latin pop star and that Ben and I were her entourage. We went to one restaurant and left abruptly when they told Shelly she couldn't have a mojito - Ben and me following her out the door and apologizing to the wait staff for the diva's behavior. At the next restaurant, I begged the waiter to help me save my job because my boss was a complete bitch on wheels. He made sure she got special attention and awesome mojitos and then at the end of the meal, he came over and asked Shelly if I would get to keep my job. Ahhhhh.....the fun we had.

Anyway...gotta go. Ben just got out of the shower....and he's....um....kilt-less.

Signed,

Steamy Sassy

Sam kicking it at the best coffee shop in Fort Lauderdale: BREW

A Post From The Reebster

As loyal readers, y'all know that the Reebster used to work with Sassy and Jazzy, back in the day. In fact, the Reebster was present at the conception (and birth) of J-Jive. Anyhoo, today she sent me an e-mail suggesting, as many of you do, a topic for Sassy Travels. When we get those types of e-mails from our loyal readers, one of the following things occurs:

1. Sassy accidentally deletes the e-mail [those 10:30 a.m. cocktails sneak up on you];
2. Sassy writes a post about the topic [and usually remembers to thank the contributing reporter];
3. Sassy makes an executive decision to avoid the topic [and by "executive" we mean "drunken"]; or
4. Sassy decides that, in and of themselves, the individual's comments are worthy of posting on the blog without any further ado [see, e.g., this post from Jazzy].

Today, the Reebster's e-mail falls into category number 4. As such, and without the afore-mentioned further ado, I give you:

The Reebster's Post

....I don't know if you still get the ABA report every Friday, but it had a story today called "Rx for Controversy" about how states are debating legislation to allow pharmacists to refuse to dispense prescriptions for drugs that they object to based on conscience, such as birth control and the morning after pill. Isn't that outrageous? It's humiliating enough to hand over an empty pack of birth control pills for a refill, it can only be more humiliating for the pharmacist to say, no I'm not going to fill that because I think you're a sinful whore.


"
Say two Hail Marys and call me in the morning."

Wonder what other drugs pharmacists would object to based on conscience. Viagra? (Hardly... No pun intended). Anti-depressants? (You need to turn to God instead of drugs). Dermatological products? (God doesn't love the vain). Penicillin? (God will heal you if it is his will). Remind me again, what century do we live in?


Sassy Travels responds: Reebster - you are hysterical! That's good shit! By the way, if the liquor store clerk is ever given that kind of discretion, I'm gonna riot!

Thursday, June 09, 2005

A Sassy Travels Announcement

Dear Loyal Readers:

Please be advised that, as you will see from our new profile image, Sassy Travels has officially adopted the lovable meerkat as our mascot. And yes, the competition was stiff. Well...it was either the meerkat or a bottle of rum. We decided the fuzzy guys were easier to photograph...the rum kept disappearing for some reason.


The Official Sassy Mascot

Anyway, please welcome our new mascot with open arms (and perhaps a flea collar).

Signed,
The Editors

[Ed. Note: It's possible that we watch way too much Discovery Channel in hi-def....]

Athlete Live On Jimmy Kimmel

Can't blog....too busy watching....

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Orgasms Linked To Genes

Yes...if you keep them on, you're less likely to have one.....

Um...sorry.....Here's the real story:

Scientists Claim Female Orgasms Depend On Genetic Make-Up

For the sake of my more innocent readers, I am not going to go into a whole lot of detail on this topic [unless you guys really beg me to]. Those of you who know me can just imagine some of the comments I would like to make about this study.

But I do have to ask one question: According to the study, 21% of the women out there have difficulty climaxing during masturbation.....What the....??!! Um....isn't the whole fricking point of that particular act self-gratification? Like, I mean, what do you say to yourself after an "unsuccessful" session: "That's OK....it happens to everyone"? Do you roll over and go to sleep in a huff? Do you chide yourself for not engaging in enough foreplay? Do you make your hand sleep on the sofa? What?? How do you face yourself in the morning over coffee?

Frustrated Woman to Hand: Look....we have to talk.

Hand: [gripping coffee cup anxiously] I know, I know. I'm sorry.

Woman: You're sorry? That's it?! That's all you can say??

Hand: [warming itself over the coffee cup...trying to avoid eye contact] Look. I don't know what happened. I guess I got a little distracted. I mean, you don't know the pressure I'm under down there!

Woman: [through gritted teeth] Pressure!!!! Pressure!!!! Forgive me - I didn't realize your job was that hard! I mean, I'm a girl - it's not like you have to actually grip something.

Hand: Ok, ok...calm down. It's just that there are a lot of distractions, you know?

Woman: Oh! This is priceless! Distractions!?!!! Like what!???! We're usually alone, in the dark, and I even turn the TV off, for cripes' sake. What else do you need to keep your [and now making sarcastic finger quotes with the "other" hand] "focus"? Huh? Huh? Seriously. I could do your job with one hand tied behind my back!

Hand: [abandoning the coffee cup and tapping fingers on the table] Well, let me ask you this: When I'm down there, trying to "focus" on your needs - and let's face it, there's nothing in it for me other than a guaranteed visit to the bathroom sink - what am I supposed to do if I'm needed somewhere else at the same time?

Woman: What the hell are you talking about?

Hand: See? I just knew you never appreciated all the things I do for you. What if I'm down there and the phone rings? You need me to pick it up, don't you? What if a mosquito buzzes past your face? You need me to swat it away, don't you? What if you get an itch...?

Woman: Dude - Lefty can take care of all that stuff. You seriously need to focus on the task at hand.

Hand: Oh yeah? Well, riddle me this, Batman...Isn't Lefty usually tied up?

Woman: [suddenly contrite] Ok look. Let's not fight.

Hand: [moving back to the coffee cup and bringing it up to Woman's lips] Yeah. Let's not. I promise I will try harder next time. Maybe try something new. Do you like chocolate syrup?.......

Anyway, y'all get the point. All I'm saying is that if you're one of the 21% of women out there having that particular problem...well.......um.....talk to the hand.


Satisfaction Guaranteed!

Signed,

SATISFIED Sassy!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

HERE'S SOME ALGEBRA FOR YOU....

Question: X & Y = ?

Dude - I just bought the new Coldplay album...and here's my advice to you:

Go buy "Tourist" or "Vehicles & Animals" by Athlete....or "Final Straw" by Snow Patrol.

Now some of you out there are shocked, I know. It's because I have been a diehard, foaming-at-the-mouth Coldplay fan for so long, it seems highly unlikely that I would have such a lukewarm reaction to the band's latest release. But the truth is, Athlete and Snow Patrol have ruined me. Seriously. I'm spoiled. Because now I realize that Coldplay isn't really any better than at least half a dozen other bands out there....Sorry, guys....It's true.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying the album sucks. I'm saying - it's OK. A bit too formulaic for my taste. However, my fave songs: "Fix You" and "A Message" totally rock out. Other than those two ....big yawn. [The pre-released "Speed of Sound" is great....but I'm over it already]. All in all, it's good music. Not great music. Good music.

I read a Chris Martin interview recently wherein he admitted that they had ripped off a bunch of artists to create this album. My advice to Chris: Go rip off some different artists. [Oh - and maybe think about actually playing the piano again on the next album....It's part of your signature sound, for cripes' sake....]

So - for those of you keeping score at home:

Answer: X & Y = $9.99 I could have spent on the jukebox at Brownies.

Signed,

Seriously Spoiled Sassy

P.S. When you get bored with your new Coldplay album, Sassy Travels also recommends the following awesome bands:

Kaiser Chiefs
Embrace
Delays
Stereophonics
and, of course,
West Indian Girl!

Oh - and one last thing - it's possible I am still cranky about the effing Heat game....so don't mind me.

Monday, June 06, 2005

BY THE WAY.....

If you don't hear from me within the next 3 days it's because I died of a stroke during the Heat/Pistons game..........Send the meat wagon to Sassy Travels....Make sure they have a defribillator on board....and a pizza with pepperoni and black olives...........and some scotch!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! The pressure!!!!!!!!! Ok - half time is almost over...........

Game 7: Heat vs. Pistons

GO FREAKING HEAT, GO!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Runaway Bride Says 'I Do' To Probation

Ha. Ha. Ha!

I Could Be The Teacher....

So this morning, before my 10:30 a.m. vodka cocktail, I have to finish my online Continuing Legal Education ("CLE") seminars as part of my annual law license requirement. [Am I the only one that comes up short on stupid Enhanced Ethics credits every year?] Here's the problem: I think I missed the deadline. Yesterday, I asked my law school buddy, James, what she thought would happen.

James: Well, I had to pay a $100 fine when I missed the reporting deadline.

Sassy: I already paid a fine. This is the second deadline I missed.

James: Oh. [uncomfortable silence] Well, um, what seminar are you taking?

Sassy: [taking a sip of scotch] It's called "Procrastination - The Most Widely Resented Professional Shortcoming."

[a pause...followed by HYSTERICAL GALES OF LAUGHTER from both]

James: Seriously?!? That's too fricking funny!

Sassy: Yeah. I have to take another one too.

James: [still giggling a little bit] What's that one called?

Sassy: [sipping some more scotch] "Why Are Lawyers Prone To Alcoholism?"

James: [laughing out loud] Dude! You could be the freaking teacher of both those programs!

And she's right! Why do I have to pay $120 to some online seminar company for these courses? Seriously - I could have written the materials myself! Of course, I would have been half-cocked while I was writing and would probably miss the deadline for turning the stuff in....but still. It's like making Jazzy take a CLE course called "Gambling: Are Lawyers Doubling Down Too Much?"....

Oh well - I better get to it. After all, if I delay too long, I'll miss a real important deadline: Mid-Morning Happy Hour!

Signed
Sassy Seminar Student

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

A Sassy Travels Public Service Announcement

An avid fan recently announced, "Sassy! We love yer shit! But, how can we get more?"

Here's this month's Sassy Travels Public Service Announcement:

Read the friggin' ARCHIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously. There's almost TWO years' worth of Sassy Sagacity over on the left hand side of this web page. Dating back to when Sassy first laid eyes on Captain Ben.... Knock your insatiable selves out!

Much luv,

Signed,
Sassy Sassy

P.S. We LOVE it when you ask for more!

Westbrook Signs Extension

Thank You Jesus!

I know, I know. I am supposed to be worrying about the Heat and making the NBA Finals and all that crap. But, at the end of the day, well....y'all know my Eagles come first!

Woo hoo, Westbrook! Yeah!

Ok - back to you, Marv....

Y'all Come Back Now, Ya Hear?

Music store manager accused of selling 11 pianos to Alzheimer's victim

I guess I shouldn't think this story is funny but.....damn. It is.

What The......?

Big Ben Busted; Engineers Baffled

Ok - wait! I LIVE with Big Ben. I KNOW Big Ben intimately. Big Ben NEVER malfunctions. Big Ben ALWAYS works......

Dumbass engineers. They just don't know how to turn that thing on.....