Saturday, July 30, 2005

This Is For Gretchen....

[Ed. Note: Many of our loyal readers requested a republication of the following post, in honor of those poor souls who recently took dreaded Bar Exams all across the country. I'm not sure any of them will have regained their eyesight sufficiently to read this goes. Oh, and congrats, law school grads! You made it all the way through 7 years of higher education, just so you could spend countless hours coloring in bubbles...Way to go.]

The Bar Exam's For Dummies: A Beginner's Guide
by Sassy Esquire (originally published Feb. 24, 2005)

Yes. The Bar exam is very much like a cattle prod. It's hard, it's long, and you take it right up the....street from my old house.

Yesterday, our good friend, Jazzy, completed that multi-day torture. Again. Yep. This was her second time around. Now - lest you think Jazzy is anything less than intelligent - be not alarmed. This time she took the exam in another state. And no, she isn't a fugitive. Like me, she simply chose to seek a license to practice law in a second state. And as such, she was required to study, sweat, and bend over again, even though she has already passed one of the (if not the) most difficult Bar exams in the country, i.e. Delaware's.

I see some of you are confused. Don't worry. That's what I'm here for - to confuse you. Actually, let me see if I can explain the folly of the Bar exam process.

Lack Of Concentration Camp.

Before we begin, let me set the scene: It's 8 am. You haven't slept for 3 months. You are about 25 pounds lighter than usual because you've lived on nothing but Diet Coke and No-Doze since you graduated law school in May. You are in an ice-cold auditorium, sitting on the most uncomfortable chair known to man, and surrounded by about 3,500 other exam takers. For some inexplicable reason, you have your belongings (pens, pencils, sharpener, and unwrapped Riccola candies) in a zip-lock bag. Everyone around you has 1000-yard stares and very bad breath.

You are anxious. You are trying to remember what the letters COAH stand for relevant to the doctrine of adverse possession. And, if you're me, you're hoping to god that the examiners forgot to include any criminal law questions because this morning at 3 am you realized you forgot to study that topic in its entirety.

Yeah - you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

And then you get some instructions from the proctologist - I mean, proctor:

"Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Day One of your State Bar Examination. Please remember, during the multiple choice sections, use a number 2 pencil only. If you use anything other than a number 2 pencil, the machine will not be able to register your answers correctly. Therefore, use a number 2 pencil for the multiple choice sections."

At this point, someone near the front of the auditorium puts his hand up. "Um....excuse me. I only brought a blue ink pen. Is that ok to use during the multiple choice sections?"

You fight the urge to run to the front of the room and...Ah ha! You suddenly remember the elements of aggravated assault and battery.

The proctor continues:

"As you will recall, before you entered this room today, we asked you to leave your cell phones, pagers, two way radios, and/or watches with alarms outside."

Yeah. So?

"So, if you have any cell phones, pagers, two way radios and/or watches with alarms here in this room, please bring them to me now." And, to your amazement, about 953 people stand up and form an orderly line, holding out those very items. What the hell? Did these people actually graduate from accredited law schools?

You take a deep breath and roll your shoulders, trying to ease the mounting tension. The girl next to you snaps her gum. You slowly turn and give her your most deadly glare. She blinks at you, and snaps her gum again. You clench your teeth and remember that if you wait until the exam is over and then ambush her in the parking lot, that would be considered murder in the first degree. However, if you kill her right now, it might be justifiable homicide. All good things to consider.

It's the proctor again.

"Ladies and gentlemen. You may begin."

The next 24 hours of your life go by in a blur. You vaguely remember that your gum-snapping neighbor started to weep around 1:30 in the afternoon, and that you lost all feeling in your dominant hand around 3. If you took a bathroom break, you don't recall, but your sweatpants are dry so that's a good sign. Next thing you know....

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Day Two of your State Bar Examination."

You look around, perplexed. You don't even remember going back to the hotel and changing clothes, let alone going to bed around 4 in the morning after trying to cram some more legal nonsense into your fried brain. But, here you are. Your ass is sore and you forgot to comb your hair. Then you notice that the gum-snapping girl is missing. Interesting.

"Ladies and gentlemen, today you will be taking the multistate portion of the Bar Examination. This consists of 200 multiple choice questions. Please remember, use only a number 2...."

You stop listening. You try to crack your knuckles and realize that your hand is permanently paralyzed into a misshapen mess. Shit. You become engrossed with your efforts to straighten out your fingers when the noise around you filters back in:

" ink pen OK?"

For the love of everything International Shoe!? Is that guy for real!? You're all for accommodating the handicapped, but this is getting ridiculous.

"Ok, ladies and gentlemen. You may begin."

Around 2:30 in the afternoon, you realize that you have lost your will to live. You no longer care if you pass or fail. You read question number 123 again. For the sixth time. You can't even spot the issues in the fact pattern. In fact, you're not sure the question is even in English. You're just about to ask the proctor for a translation when she announces,

"Ladies and gentlemen, you have 30 minutes left."

This annoys you because you just want it to be over. You want to go home, curl up into a fetal position, and sleep until the results are published three months from now. (Yeah - three months from now.)

You read question number 124. It seems to be the exact same question as 123. Oh wait....It is question 123. Dammit! You think the answer is "C". You move on. You think the answer to that question is "C" too.... And the next one.... And the one after that. In fact, when you look at your answer sheet, you realize that you've been filling in the "C" bubble for the past 50 questions. That can't be right, can it?

"Ladies and gentlemen, you have 15 minutes left."

Fuck it. You decide to fill in the "C" bubble all the way down to question 200. There. You're done.

"Ladies and gentlemen, you have 10 minutes left."

Aarrghh! Now, with all this extra time on your hands, you decide you better actually read question 200 and see what it's all about. You skim it. Amos apparently got a quit claim deed from Bobby. Huh. What's a quit claim deed? Blah blah blah and blah blah and now Charley wants to quiet title. Reading this question did not help you one bit. You leave your previous answer ("C") intact.

"Ladies and gentlemen, you have 5 minutes left."

Sigh. You stop doodling on the desk and decide to read question 199 just in case. Sarah sold something to Betty and it got destroyed before Betty could pick it up. Sucks for Betty, you think. The four answers beneath the question have strange words like FOB in it. You shrug. You leave your previous answer ("C") intact.

Finally, after the proctor retrieves your answer sheets in the slowest manner possible, you are released from the meatlocker and you walk out into the sunlight. Actually, it's probably raining. It always rains and/or snows on the last day of the Bar exam. Just to piss you off even more. You get in your car, even though you really shouldn't be allowed on the road, what with your claw hand and blurred vision, and you drive to the nearest bar. And you drink. And drink.

And that's what the Bar exam is like.

And now, you are wondering why, oh why, would Jazzy and I suffer through that godawful shit twice, right? Well, you see, we had to.

If you want to practice law in different states, you are generally required to take the Bar exam in each state. Why? Beats the shit out of me. I mean, passing the Bar exam has no bearing whatsoever on your ability to practice law. In fact, the Bar exam is the most ridiculous, arcane, obsolete method of professional licensing in the entire world. In other words, it sucks.

I propose a national licensing program wherein, after you graduate from law school, you take the Multistate Performance Test (the MPT - that's the one where they give you the pertinent statutes and case law, and then ask you to write a brief or draft discovery or something to that effect). And you should only take the MPT once. Not fifty times for fifty states. I mean, the MPT is the closest thing to what we actually do as lawyers anyway. Seriously - when clients come in and ask us questions, we mumble some wishy washy bullshit, tell the client we will meet with them again next week, and then rush to the library to look up the answers. (And by the way, if you are a lawyer and you don't do that - you are basically committing malpractice; I don't care how long you've been practicing.)

And if the individual states want to make sure that you are familiar with their local rules, they can simply make it part of a CLE requirement. Not another fricking exam! I mean, even cows get the general idea the first time they're poked.

Well, there - I said it. I have a lot more to say on the topic but, my proctor has just announced that it's time to take him for a walk.

Ciao, for now.


P.S. Jazzy, congratulations. I am sure you passed - I mean, at least you can count on scoring higher than "blue ink pen" guy.

[One last Ed. Note: Gretchen - congrats to you, babe! I know you passed! Heck, if me and Jazzy can do it... anyone can.]

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Thursday, July 21, 2005

SpongeBob Slandered...Again

People just can't leave my buddy, SpongeBob, alone. And, frankly, I've just about had it.

Remember how I told y'all about that demented dude's declaration that Spongie promoted perversion in the form of...get this...homosexuality? [Yes, boys and girls. That's right. All gays are perverts. God knows there aren't any heterosexual pervs! Wait a sec...what does that make all those Catholic priests?....Aw I'm confused....]

Well, now Broward County schools refuse to show the same "We Are Family" video because some members of the community are apparently scared it will encourage kids to talk to strangers. [Wait...I'm still stuck on the priest thing. I mean, they weren't strangers to the altar boys, were they?....So, lemme get this straight: Talking to strangers - bad; getting fondled by your parish priest - ok, as long as he's not a stranger....or gay? WTF?!?]

Ok - you guys are smart [after all, you read this blog]. Watch the video for yourselves and tell me what you think. Aside from the fact that SpongeBob is barely even visible in the video, I just don't see how the friendly flick promotes anything sinister, or sexual, or strange. [Well...actually...for the purpose of the foregoing sentence, pretend Diana Ross is not in the video].

For the record, I have decided to put my lawyering skills (or lack thereof) to good use...for a change. I intend to file a lawsuit, on behalf of SpongeBob (and his heirs, successors, assignees, licensees, franchisees, invitees, friends, family...and Patrick), seeking compensation for these ridiculous accusations.

The lawsuit shall be based on...[quickly thumbing through old law school books]... "libel". Yeah! Written falsehoods published to third parties. Yep, that's the one. And "unlawful discrimination" on the basis And maybe I'll throw a little "intentional infliction of emotional distress" stuff in there. Oh, and if I remember correctly, it's "slander per se" to impugn the reputation of a lady (that count only applies to Patrick's feminine side - he's a starfish, remember?). And finally, I pull out the big guns and sue for violations of the "Sarbanes-Oxley Act"....(Heck - no one really knows how to apply that law anyway, so I could as well give it a shot).

Well, I better get cracking if I'm gonna crack those crackers! I'm READY!

Sassy - SpongeBob's Solicitor

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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

"Gimme Back My Sex Tape!"

Ahhh....the reality of retards. I love it when celebrities prove that money doesn't buy Mensa memberships (or brains, for that matter).

Exhibit "A": Colin Farrell Sues to Block Sex Tape

Bernie: Why is it so difficult to understand that when you make a sex tape with ANYONE you never can trust that it won't be released? One word - DUH!

Sassy: I KNOW! I read the article this morning and I was like: "Yeah dumbass....You were already a movie star when you made the sex tape. Did you really think she would keep it a secret? And if the shoe had been on the other foot....would you have kept the tape a secret?" What a hypocrite.

Of course, the real problem with this story isn't so much the fact that Colin Farrell is so friggin' stupid. That's obvious.

No, no, dear reader(s). The real problem here is that....[and I know some of you know where I'm going with this].......well, the tape is only 15 minutes long.


That's a shame, Colin. Fifteen minutes?!? That's all you could muster? And now, thanks to your ridiculous lawsuit, the whole world knows that you're not so much "Sonny Crockett" as you are...well...:

Dude. I'm embarrassed for you.

Well, I better sign off. I gotta go finish editing this movie I made with the Cap'n. [It's a documentary about boxes. Yep. Human voice boxes and their ability to mimic the mating calls of baboons in heat....] You should be able to purchase it soon...Internet orders only, please. By the way, I hope y'all like soundtracks with Marvin Gaye and Barry White....

Hey, if you want a preview, click here.

Sexy Sassy

[Ed. Note: The following Sassy Travels reporters contributed to this post: Bernie and SHUDS. By the way, SHUDS - can I have my video camera back?]

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Monday, July 18, 2005

A New Version of "The Chocolate Factory"

You see, the problem is that the original Willy Wonka movie is like one of the Captain's all time fave flicks. So now, the Captain and I have this ongoing debate as to whether Johnny Depp can pull it off...whether this new version is going to do the original one justice...whether Gene Wilder is gay, etc.

That being said, we haven't gone to see the new movie yet (actually, the Cap'n refuses). But, being the HUGE Depp devotee that I am, I will await the arrival of Lala and go feast on all that eye candy later.

Anyway, as I can't convince the Cap'n to watch Depp's dynamic debut as Wonka in the latest Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I thought maybe he (and you) would prefer this even newer version of the film.

Click here!


Sneaky Sassy

[Ed. Note: Thanks to SHUDS for the link!]

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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Once Upon A Time In Old San Juan....

This photo, taken by the Cap'n, tickles me to no end so I thought I would share it with you.

During our recent trip to Puerto Rico, we were wandering through Old San Juan, taking in the sights. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this cute little goat appeared. Yep...right there in the middle of town.

Some kids on a field trip chased after him so he ran across the plaza and hopped up onto the pedestal - as if taking refuge behind his bronze brother. [Look closely....the real kid is somewhat camouflaged by the marble wall....]

Having found "higher ground", the frolicking fellow was quite happy to let everyone pet him and admire him in his elevated state.

We thought the whole scene was hilarious....and a little surreal. It put a smile on my face....Well, that and the sight of Ben frolicking in the water fountain with all the "other" kids......

Hope it does the same for you!

Signed, San Juan Sassy

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Sunday, July 10, 2005

Waterworks at Bellagio!

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Sassy's point of view right now. Poolside!

Friday, July 08, 2005

From Sassy's point of view... The view from our room at the Tropicana on the Strip in Las Vegas!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Vegas, Baby! Vegas!

Warning: Bold Language

Ok, so you're gonna have to do without me for a few days. You can do it. I bet....[That's a gambling reference, get it?] Yes, it's true. Sassy travels. And the Captain too. We're headed to Las Vegas today. We'll try to send mo-po's during the trip.

Truth is, I've had to double my efforts to make sure my various assignments were completed before I left. After all, I didn't want to be down there in Vegas worrying about work and stuff.

So what if my client is hungry for money and wants to sue someone? They'll just have to wait 'til I get back. I mean, it's not like I can perform voodoo. Like my daddy always said, you should duck disaster and avoid cigars. [I never really knew what he meant by that.....]

Anyway, this one's to the ladies, you know who you are. See you when we get there! And, if I'm running late, make sure you order me a Glenlivet, or a Glenfiddich, anything Glen!

I can't wait to get to Vegas....this place is dead.

Scotchy Sassy

[Ed. Note: If any of our readers actually understand the point of this post (especially the bolded content), please let us know. It's possible that Sassy was under a little too much "pressure" when the article was submitted.]

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R*I*P: This Is How My Funeral Will Be....

Dude. Let me tell you - I have plans for my departure from this life. When I die, I don't want the day of my future funeral to be some morose, melancholy march down memory lane where my friends weep, my enemies yawn, and random strangers take notes of who is present. No, no. Not I. My funeral plans involve some bare-foot bods on the beach, some riled-up rock on the radio, and, of course, an open bar. Yep, when I die, I want you to "stop what you're doing and play".*

So when I read this story, I had to smile:

Steelers Fan Reclines In Peace

This story is so sweet (and funny) that Sassy refuses to besmirch it with her usual sarcasm and cynicism. To summarize: Dude was a HUGE Steelers fan all his life. And when he passed away, his family laid him to rest the way he was happiest: In a recliner, facing a TV with Steeler highlights on a loop, and his fave black & gold blankie on his lap. [Yes - there are photos....]

Ya know? That's awesome. It's simply awesome. You go, you Steeler fans! You go! I'm having a shot of Jameson in your honor. [Hey - any excuse, right?]

Anyway, I can't say more...I'm all verklempt.....

Serious Sassy

*Listen to: "Vehicles & Animals" by Athlete

The following reporter(s) contributed to this post: Jazzy, Jimmy the Finn, the Red-Headed Freak, and Smackwhore.

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Wednesday, July 06, 2005

A Post From Playdough, The Cat

You humans know how I feel about dogs. After all, I am certain you have perused some of my more popular posts, wherein I have delivered insightful commentary on topics such as: The Easter Bonnet Dog Parade and The Courthouse Cur.*

But even I have to admit....this is totally tragic:

Fido's Final Fetch...A Firecracker.

[stifled snort and giggle...regaining composure]

That story is, sad. [more sinister snickering]

Yep. So sad and yet so typical of that species. As I have told you people before, dogs simply aren't that bright. Let me rephrase that: They're retarded. They can screw up the simplest of games. Remember that other dog that fetched....and got his human handcuffed? Dumb asses, the lot of them! We, the proud members of the Cat Nation, continue to stand united against the insidious influx of imbeciles into American homes, i.e the terrible trend of delivering dogs into the household as a family pet. It is an epidemic that must be ended....We, the Cat Nation, say, "Rise up! Rise up! Fight the evil power!.........." Oops.

Was that out loud? Oh dear me.

Um...I'm sorry....I...well, like to extend my sincerest condolences to the family that witnessed this terrible event. By the way, for your next furry family friend, you might want to consider...a cat.

Playdough - The Original Firecracker

*If you haven't read my other wonderful words of wisdom, I encourage to you conduct a "Search This Blog" investigation - see the right sidebar. Just type in "Playdough".

[Ed. Note: As most of you know, we at Sassy Travels in no way condone Playdough's posts. In fact, as soon as we figure out how to block his blog access, we promise to prevent these odious outbursts. And we apologize if he has offended anyone. That seems to be his primary purpose.]

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Monday, July 04, 2005

Live8 Sassylights

For those of you who have asked, here are Sassy Travels highlights of Live8:

Sassy dedicated a full work day (8 straight hours) to watching the various concerts around the world. And it was totally worth it! I laughed, I cried - it was better than Cats. [That's J-Jive for: "It was the bomb!"].

Anyway, we plugged my Notebook into the 42" plasma and switched back and forth between the AOL live streaming feed and MTV's coverage. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I love living in the 21st century! The ability to choose which concert we wanted to watch at any given moment was awesome. After all, I wasn't really interested in Andrea Bocelli's performance in Paris (or Faith Hill's in Rome, for that matter). C'mon! Snoop Dogg was tearing down da house in London! So, one click of the mouse and away we went to London! It was really a good use of the technology available to us today.

Anyway - based on the performances we saw, let's hand out the Sassies, shall we?:

Best Female Performance: The Sassie goes to Sarah McLachlan. This woman's voice is simply amazing. The set was bit melodramatic [ fact, Sassy and the Cap'n had to click over to a different concert because we were getting bummed out....] but we can't overlook Sarah's ability to take command of the stage by simply singing.

Oh yeah.....I thought Madonna's set was great too but I can't give her the award, on principal:- The not-so-subliminal kabbalah messages flashing in the background got on my nerves. Also, I began to feel a little uncomfortable on behalf of the poor African chick Madonna was dragging around the stage. I could almost hear the young lady saying: "Great. Geldof saves my life 20 years ago and now I have to put up with this shit?" Moving on....

Best Male Performance: Ben dancing to "Summertime" by Will Smith and Jazzy Jeff. Great moves! I mean, that perfect pirouette at the end was particularly prize-worthy.... [Oh wait. The Editors inform me that, sadly, Ben is not eligible to win this prize because he is affiliated with Sassy Travels. Alright, alright...] This Sassie goes to Sting. Way to rewrite a song and make a point....And thanks for playing classic Police!

Best Group Performance: The Sassie goes to Green Day. These guys never disappoint. Actually, The Killers could have won this category if they had performed more than one song....(by the way, that singular performance ROCKED!)

Best Host Performance: Will Smith. My first crying jag started around 12:34 p.m., when Will asked us to snap our fingers in unison every three seconds to mark the loss of an African child's life (yeah....every three seconds). Sobering shit....

Best Comedic Performance: Ricky Gervais (some of you may know him from the HILARIOUS British sitcom "The Office") telling everyone in Hyde Park that they could go home early because George Bush and Tony Blair called and said they would cut a check. Funny shit....

Best Old Fart Performance: Pink Floyd. Can you believe these guys? I mean, they look like they should be hanging out at the yacht club playing gin rummy - not rendering perfect performances of "Breathe" and "Comfortably Numb" and "Money"! Friggin' flawless!

Award for Overall Stand-Out Performance: Yep. You guessed it. This Sassie definitely goes to Linkin Park & Jay-Z. Their collaboration was simply INCREDIBLE! Energetic! Electric! Unifying! Heck - there's no point trying to describe it. Go on AOL Music and watch it for yourself.

Shout Out Sassies [i.e. Honorable Mentions] go to Coldplay (in collaboration with Richard Ashcroft). Watching one of my fave bands perform one of my all-time fave songs ("Bittersweet Symphony") was cool.

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Saturday, July 02, 2005

Musicians Strike A Chord Against Poverty....

I will have a more complete review later but, so far, the performance that has totally ROCKED my world was delivered (in Philadelphia) by Linkin Park and Jay Z. Holy shit!!! I'm still sweating........! Having said that, Sting is totally kicking ass right did Green Day and the Killers. So much music, so little time!!!

Sweaty Sassy

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Watch Live8 live NOW!

Click here!

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Friday, July 01, 2005

A Sassy Reminder: Live8 Is Tomorrow!

As we reported last week, Live8 is almost here! Tune in tomorrow at noon to check it out!

I think it's cool to imagine millions upon millions of us, all over this Big Blue Marble, doing the same thing, at the same time....That's what I call a unified consciousness. C'mon, dude - be ready! Be a part of it!.................... One ♥

[Ed. Note to Jazzy: This pic's for you! Peace out.]

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