Thursday, July 21, 2005

SpongeBob Slandered...Again

People just can't leave my buddy, SpongeBob, alone. And, frankly, I've just about had it.

Remember how I told y'all about that demented dude's declaration that Spongie promoted perversion in the form of...get this...homosexuality? [Yes, boys and girls. That's right. All gays are perverts. God knows there aren't any heterosexual pervs! Wait a sec...what does that make all those Catholic priests?....Aw I'm confused....]

Well, now Broward County schools refuse to show the same "We Are Family" video because some members of the community are apparently scared it will encourage kids to talk to strangers. [Wait...I'm still stuck on the priest thing. I mean, they weren't strangers to the altar boys, were they?....So, lemme get this straight: Talking to strangers - bad; getting fondled by your parish priest - ok, as long as he's not a stranger....or gay? WTF?!?]

Ok - you guys are smart [after all, you read this blog]. Watch the video for yourselves and tell me what you think. Aside from the fact that SpongeBob is barely even visible in the video, I just don't see how the friendly flick promotes anything sinister, or sexual, or strange. [Well...actually...for the purpose of the foregoing sentence, pretend Diana Ross is not in the video].

For the record, I have decided to put my lawyering skills (or lack thereof) to good use...for a change. I intend to file a lawsuit, on behalf of SpongeBob (and his heirs, successors, assignees, licensees, franchisees, invitees, friends, family...and Patrick), seeking compensation for these ridiculous accusations.

The lawsuit shall be based on...[quickly thumbing through old law school books]... "libel". Yeah! Written falsehoods published to third parties. Yep, that's the one. And "unlawful discrimination" on the basis And maybe I'll throw a little "intentional infliction of emotional distress" stuff in there. Oh, and if I remember correctly, it's "slander per se" to impugn the reputation of a lady (that count only applies to Patrick's feminine side - he's a starfish, remember?). And finally, I pull out the big guns and sue for violations of the "Sarbanes-Oxley Act"....(Heck - no one really knows how to apply that law anyway, so I could as well give it a shot).

Well, I better get cracking if I'm gonna crack those crackers! I'm READY!

Sassy - SpongeBob's Solicitor

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