Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Sassy Asks: "Are You Down With O.B.G.?"

So ... it has been a week and I'm still drafting this friggin' appellate brief. If you're a lawyer, there's a saying you should be familiar with: "The only thing worse than one deadline, is a second deadline." In other words, it's bad enough when you're pulling all-nighters to file a brief on time; however, it's even worse when you get an extension and have another 4 weeks to draft the same brief. Ugh .... Now, our strategy has changed; I'm rethinking all of my arguments; the client wants more factual background inserted; the judge is going on vacation; Playdough peed on my office rug ... I mean, it's a veritable nightmare! And, I'm probably gonna stall until the last minute and end up having to pull all-nighters again to meet the new deadline anyway! Well - as they say in Italy - whaddayagonnadoo? [Ed. Note: We're pretty certain that is not what they say in Italy. Sassy is stupid, but you all knew that ....]

Anyway, I wanted to take a break to make sure my loyal reader(s) got some Sassy Sagacity even while I continue drafting this monstrosity of a brief (it's already 50 pages long). So here's your Sassy Sagacity for today:
Don't go to the Cingular Wireless store without an Other Bodyguard.

NOTE: An Other Bodyguard is not for your safety; his job is to guard Other Bodies ... from you.
That's right, you heard me. Every woman should have an Other Bodyguard (or as I call them, an "O.B.G."). Your O.B.G. may be male or female. Either way, your O.B.G. should know you well, as in: What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What makes you leap store counters in an attempt to remove testicular objects with a dull butter knife? Don't laugh. A good O.B.G. could be the difference between a night at Red Lobster munching on cheesy biscuits or a night in jail on assault and battery charges. Trust me.

Anyway, suffice it to say, if my personal O.B.G. (a/k/a The Cap'n) hadn't been present when I went to the Cingular Wireless store last week, there would have been bloodshed (and/or flippin' 'n' burnin' of white people's cars) for sure. Let me break it down for you:

[9:01 a.m.]: In a shocking development, Sassy decides not to watch Regis & Kelly in bed as she normally does. Instead, Sassy actually gets up.

[9:02 a.m.]: Sassy addresses The Cap'n: "Dude, did you make any of that liquid crack you call coffee?" The Cap'n says he did. Sassy pours one (1) teaspoon of said liquid crack into a 6 oz mug of 2% milk and nukes it for 20 secs in the microwave.

[9:15 a.m.]: Sassy has the shakes; despite his assurances to the contrary, The Cap'n's coffee is even stronger than usual. Nonetheless, Sassy decides to make the long commute to the office.

[9:16 a.m.]: Sassy arrives at her office. In spite of traffic delays (Sam, The Dog, was still asleep in the hallway) and unexpected detours (one of the kitchen stools was out of place and then Sassy went back to the bedroom to see Josh Lucas on Regis & Kelly), it turns out that this morning's commute wasn't so bad.

[9:17 a.m.]: Sassy fires up her laptop and logs onto the remote server. She notes she has a teleconference scheduled for 11:00 a.m. Client is supposed to call her beforehand.

[11:15 a.m.]: Client finally calls: "Hey! We've been trying to reach you for a while! We couldn't get through to your cell on our landlines so we had to call you from our cell phones." Puzzled, Sassy shrugs and gets on with the teleconference.

[1:14 p.m.]: One of Sassy's partners calls: "Girl, what is wrong with your cell phone? I couldn't get through for hours. All I got was a busy signal, not even your voicemail." Sassy simply responds that she doesn't know what could be wrong.

[2:36 p.m.]: The Cap'n comes home for a late lunch: "Honey, I've been trying to call you for two hours to see if you wanted me to pick you up a sandwich before I came home. All I get is a "Call Failed" message. What's up with your cell phone?" Now Sassy is seriously concerned and decides to call 611 for "Tech Support" on her cell phone. [Ed. Note: Yes - we are aware that, apparently, Sassy cares less about staying in touch with her clients and partners than she does about being able to field calls from her man asking if she wants a BLT for lunch. And for that, we apologize, but we have little or no control over her.]

[3:45 p.m.]: Sassy is still on the phone with Tech Support. After running a bunch of tests and so-called diagnostics, the young man on the other end of the line suspects Sassy's SIM card has gone bad. Sassy asks how she can get a new one. Tech Support says she has to go to the Cingular Wireless store.

[3:46 p.m.]: Sassy calls the Cingular Wireless store to make sure they have SIM cards in stock. They do. Sassy is agitated because she was supposed to take another conference call at 4 o'clock and, obviously, the client is not going to be able to contact her. Oh well. Sassy makes a vodka cocktail.

[4:01 p.m.]: Sensing Sassy's increasing levels of agitation and anxiety [Ed. Note: ... or was it her increasing levels of blood alcohol?], The Cap'n announces that he will drive Sassy to the Cingular Wireless store. Sassy accepts the offer; after all (and this is based on her past experiences at said store), it's always good to have an intelligent companion with you when confronted with morons. The Cap'n puts on his O.B.G. outfit (Maui Jims, shorts, flip flops ... ok, maybe that's what he always wears) and the duo head out.

[4:22 p.m.]: Sassy and her O.B.G. arrive at the Cingular Wireless store.

[7:29 p.m.]: Sassy and her O.B.G. get back home (without having to stop at the bail bonds office, for a change).

Yes - three (3) hours later!!!!!!!!!! OH. MY. GAWD. What a friggin' nightmare!

Oh, I almost forgot to explain why you should hire an Other Bodyguard (O.B.G.) for the protection of other people (like store clerks). Well - here are 10 reasons:
  1. You should hire an Other Bodyguard for the protection of others because, when you go to the Cingular Wireless store, the clerk will give you a new SIM card and send you on your way. However, even though you follow Tech Support's instructions, your cell phone still won't work. [An experienced O.B.G. will encourage you to check your phone before leaving the store's parking lot.]
  2. You should hire an Other Bodyguard for the protection of others because, upon your return to the store, the clerk will announce: "Back already?" You will glare at said store clerk. He will screw around with your phone some more and advise you that you've now lost all of your contacts, all your text messages, all your e-mails, all your games, all your ringtones, all your photos, and all your videos. But, no worries, he'll give you a $25 credit on your bill. You will explain to the store clerk that $25 would hardly cover the cost of the time you've already lost today because of this (store clerk's word) "inconvenience". Store clerk will reply, chuckling stupidly, that this "inconvenience" is causing him to lose time too. [Here, an experienced O.B.G. will gently place his hand on your elbow.] Then, the store clerk will announce that he doesn't know what's wrong with your phone and will advise you to call ... (wait for it) ... Tech Support. [At this point, your Other Bodyguard should move his hand up to the center of your back and apply firm, but gentle, pressure.]
  3. You should hire an Other Bodyguard for the protection of others because, when you angrily demand that the store clerk call Tech Support for you as you've already spent an hour on the phone with them to no avail, the store clerk will place the call and get put on hold for FIFTEEN minutes. You will query the delay and the store clerk will reply, "There is no direct line to Tech Support in the store." [Your Other Bodyguard will move behind you and place both hands on your shoulders, massaging firmly.]
  4. You should hire an Other Bodyguard because every other customer in the store will be pissed off for their own reasons. [Your O.B.G. will prevent you from using this to incite an impromptu riot.]
  5. You should hire an Other Bodyguard because Tech Support will advise the store clerk that they don't know what's wrong with your phone either. You will ask to speak to the Store Manager, who will emerge from the back ... TWENTY minutes later. Because you've worked in retail, you will ask, "Is this really the Store Manager or just another clerk with a different shirt on?" [Your O.B.G. will cough quietly and try to signal the clerks with his eyes that they should flee immediately.]
  6. You should hire an Other Bodyguard for the protection of others because the so-called "Store Manager" will announce that, because of your complaints, he checked his own phone and just noticed that his isn't working either. [When you sarcastically go, "Gee. That's just swell," your O.B.G. will laugh softly to make them think you're being funny.]
  7. You should hire an Other Bodyguard because, while Tech Support claims to be working on the problem, you will refuse to leave the store until your phone is fixed. Time will pass slowly. [Your O.B.G. can distract you with kisses, cuddles, and/or random jokes and idle gossip.]
  8. You should hire an Other Bodyguard for the protection of others because a tall, black woman with a bright, red, Orphan Annie wig [seriously, we can't make that shit up] will ask the "Store Manager" and clerk why both of them are needed to help you when she is standing there waiting to be taken care of. Needless to say, you will prepare a deadly up-and-down look for Black Orphan Annie, but your O.B.G. will pinch you ... hard ... and Black Orphan Annie will retreat to the safety of the other side of the store.
  9. You should hire an O.B.G. because later on (as in THREE hours later on) Tech Support will say they've found the problem and fixed it nationwide. Apparently, you were the first to notice. [Seriously.] When you demand restitution (as in a free Blackberry upgrade) for all your troubles, the "Store Manager" will announce that he can't make any concessions because he, in fact, is not the Store Manager. He, in fact, is just filling in. [Here, I anticipate that your O.B.G. will move in between you and the fake "Store Manager" and kiss you or otherwise find a way of preventing your lips from properly forming a word beginning with the letter "F".] When the fake Store Manager adds that if you want any kind of credit, you should call "Customer Care", your O.B.G. will quickly wrap you up in his arms and pull you toward the exit.
  10. And finally, you should hire an Other Bodyguard for the protection of others because, as your O.B.G. drags you away, you will pose the following question (perhaps a tad too loudly): "What the hell is the friggin' point of this store? There's no support, no service; hell, there isn't even a signal!" [It's true. If you want to make a call, you actually have to leave the store to get a cell tower signal. Ironic, I know, but true.] Another store employee will approach you and, apparently ignorant of the concept of rhetorical questions, will attempt to answer your angry outburst. More importantly, he will offer you a "great deal" if you bundle your cell phone service with BellSouth DSL. [And this is where hiring a good O.B.G. is really key ...] Your O.B.G. will quickly intervene, warning, "Dude, NOW is NOT a good time to try and sell her something!" while physically restraining you. In spite of your hysterical screeching, your O.B.G. will manage to thwart your attempt to injure the BellSouth dude, who will walk away, quickly, and with his gonads intact [my dull butter knife was in my other pants anyway]. Thereafter, your O.B.G. will whisk you away without further fodder for felonius conduct on your part.
So there you have it! I suggest that, if you haven't already done so, go get an experienced Other Bodyguard immediately. You won't be sorry, I promise.

Sassy's Down With O.B.G. (Yeah - you know me!)

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Thursday, May 25, 2006

AI5 Season Finale: All Hail Hicks!

Let me just say: THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST MUSICAL EVENTS ON TV EVER! Seriously, they couldn't have done a better job of collecting some of Sassy's favorite singers and songs if Sassy had sent them a freakin' list! I enjoyed every second (all three times I watched it)! I mean, they had me at Al Jarreau! (We love you, Paris!)

To recap some of Sassy's fave highlights:
  • First of all, I will admit that I spent much of the Daughtry/Live performance curled up on the floor in a fetal position, weeping hysterically out of sheer ecstasy. Having just downloaded Live's latest release on Monday (by the way, it RAWKS!), I couldn't believe my ears when they chose to play one of my favorite songs on that album. Here I thought they were going to sing "Walk the Line" or even an oldie but goody like "Lightning Crashes". I could've handled that. But no. They just had to go and reduce Sassy to a blubbering mess with "Mystery". Outstanding! Per Jazzy: "It made watching the whole season of that ridiculous show worth it." True dat, my sistah. True dat, fo' shizzle.
  • McPhee and Meat Loaf: Who knew that would be so awesome?! She looked H.O.T. and somehow, pairing her up with the creepy (in an "old-man-staring-at-your-daughter's-tits" kinda way) Mr. Loaf, was sheer brilliance. I almost wished I had voted for her on Tuesday night. Almost.
  • Then they bring on that crazy David Hoover dude. When he took a header into the audience (apparently by accident) The Cap'n and I just about wet ourselves. Hysterical.
  • And please, let's not forget about Mary J. Blige and the Garden Gnome. What can I say? Considering Miss MJB and the new Double G [not to be confused with the original Double G; you know who you are] performed one of my all time favorite U2 songs, they were surprisingly good.
  • Excuse me, but let this be your lesson: Burt Bacharach bedazzles; Lisa Tucker tantalizes; and Dionne Warwick wins our hearts all over again! If you were born in the late '60s or early '70s and grew up watching The Dionne Warwick Show on Sunday nights, you know what I mean when I say, "Welcome back, Miss Thang!" Wow. And just when you thought you'd seen all the legendary artists you could stand ....:
  • They bring out my purple potentate, Prince. First of all, and by way of full disclosure, I would like to say that when I moved out of my parents' house at the tender age of 17, I left a smudgy, brown, rectangular outline on the wall above my bedroom door where my Purple Rain poster used to be. Yeah. I was (am) a Prince proselyte [it's a word, look it up]. I know some of you out there [Miss Lala] feel me on this one. I mean, I quit smoking 7 years ago, but when Prince (and those two FINE looking ladies he had with him) got done, I was gagging for a fag. [Brit to Yank translation: Sassy was dying for a cigarette.] Hmm. Hmm. Hmmm. At one point, I had to turn and gently close The Cap'n's mouth which, unbeknownst to him, was ... let's just say ... ajar. What a devious, delightful, delicious delivery. Oh yeah - and Prince sounded good, too.
  • Speaking of delightful and delicious: Can we please have a moment of silence for Mandisa in that red dress? Dude. I know loyal reader, The Boz, probably spent some "quality time" with that image in his head. [Who loves ya, baby!!] It just goes to show, Mandisa is every woman! You go, girl!
  • And before I forget: Who was that hottie, and what did he do with Clay Aiken?! I mean, I was aghast at the reaction (think "hot flashes" and "weak knees") I had when the new and improved Aiken walked out. He looked (dare I say it?) kinda yummy! Holy makeover, Clay-Mate!
Well, we thought it was a great show and a wonderful way to wrap up the season. We had a couple of laughs, got to see our favorites return, and witnessed some awesome performances. Heck - even Pickler and Ace The Face sounded pretty good. [Some people still sucked, however.] All in all, my hat's off to you, AI5. Well done! Now, y'all better bring it next season!!

Satisfied Sassy

Oh - I almost forgot - Taylor Hicks won! Woo hoo! My 63 votes worked! [Note to self: Must get unlimited text messaging service for next season. Phone bill's outta control...] Go Soul Patrol! Congrats, Taylor. Now make us proud and I'll stop calling you George Clooney, I promise.

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

[Ed. Note: Sassy's good friend, Bernie, sent this to her recently. Sassy suggested we publish it for our readers' amusement, figuring y'all could use a good laugh while she's busy writing her brief. Enjoy! And thanks to Bernie and her friend, Jen!]

Headlines from the Year 2029
  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
  • Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
  • Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
  • Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
  • Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
  • France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
  • Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  • Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
  • 85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
  • Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
  • Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. [Hey!]
  • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
  • Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
  • Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
  • New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
  • Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
  • IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
  • Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
[Sassy says: Of course, the reason that was all so amusing is because it's all so possible .... ]

Original Source: Unknown

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A Message From The Sassy Editors

Dear Loyal Reader(s):

We know. We know. Sassy has been M.I.A. for a while. Here's the thing: Sometimes Sassy actually practices law. And for that, we apologize. (Not only to you, but also to her clients, the American Bar Association, and the entire judicial system. We're frankly still amazed she graduated law school, let alone passed a bar....)

We anticipate our wayward head writer's return sometime later this week (after she finishes a pesky appellate brief), with an all new installment of Philly/Willy Trip Observations. In the interim, she says to tell you guys that she knew the Garden Gnome would get sent home and she predicts George Clooney will have yet another award to add to his Oscar and Golden Globes. And yes, we've tried to explain to Sassy that Taylor Hicks and Clooney are two different people, but she always responds (in typical Sassy fashion) with: "I know you are, but what am I?" Someone should really talk to her about her drinking ....

Anyway, as The Cap'n always says, "Stand by to stand by." We promise - Sassy shall return very soon!

Thank you for your loyal patronage,

Your Sassy Editors

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Thursday, May 11, 2006

AI5 Results: Daughtry Dissed!

Holy crap! This show is getting out of control! What a traveshamockery! [It's a word. Look it up.] Next week I'm voting for the Garden Gnome just to spite McPhee. I mean, don't get me wrong - I was always a McPhee McPhan, but no more. She tanked on Tuesday and deserved to go home. And something about the smarmy look on her face when she realized Chris was going home and not her .... Yep. She's on Sassy's shit list now. [And trust us, that's not a good place to be.]

America! What the HELL are you thinking?! Oh, that's right - you people also made stars out of the likes of Britney Spears, the Backstreet Boys, and William Hung. Whatever. You get what you deserve.

Anyway, no worries, mate - Ace Young might be posing for PlayGirl, so there's that to look forward to!

Sassy Subscribes

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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

AI5 Update: Final Four Flop

Yep. As far as we're concerned, last night's performances were L.A.M.E. And we're not just saying that because our Fantasy Final Four was Mandisa, Paris, Ayla, and Gideon. I mean, I suppose it could have just been a case of Final Four Fatigue or, perhaps, Final Four Fear. In any event, there was no need to vote last night. None whatsoever. Here's our breakdown (in no particular order):

1. George Clooney: Ok. First of all, how many of those dark suit/striped shirt combos did you buy? We think we counted at least three. It looks like you went on a shopping spree at the Men's Wearhouse. Secondly, how many chins do you have now? We counted at least two. You better lay off the late night nachos. Thirdly, your Joe Cocker spasms are getting on our nerves. The Cap'n suggests a Valium before you go on stage next week. Finally, your Michael Bolton/Bob Seger version of "In the Ghetto" wasn't any more believable than Elvis'. Sing about stuff you know from now, ok?

2. Garden Gnome: Probably the best vocalist of the evening. That being said, The Cap'n asked me to pause the playback during your performance. While he fixed us fresh cocktails, the seconds ticked by, your face frozen on our Hi-Def plasma screen. "Honey! Please hurry!," I cried. "Of all the images that might accidentally get burned into this screen, please don't let it be this one!" Thankfully, The Cap'n has mad drink-making skills [he lives with Sassy, after all] so he returned quickly and I was able to hit "play" before any permanent damage was done to the screen (or my eyesight). Saved by the buzz!

3. Chris Daughtry: Dude. What is up with you and that microphone stand? Jazzy said you looked like a majorette in a high school marching band. Well put! Didn't we tell you to lose that prop weeks ago? When you went down to the audience, we were certain you were gonna whack someone in the head with it! Not your best performance. But, don't worry, you weren't the worst of the night; that dubious award goes to none other than ....

4. Katherine McPhee: They finally found a cure for our McPheever. And not a moment too soon! What in the hell happened? Sassy's theory is that you went out partying the night before and were slightly hung over. [Hey, if anyone knows about hangovers ...] How else do you explain the breathlessness and botched lyrics? And, while we're at it, what up with that second outfit? I mean, we gather it was supposed to be a midriff-baring jacket but, it was so poorly cut, we couldn't see your belly button. Do you actually have one? Cuz seriously, the absence of a navel made you look less like a P.Y.T. [that's "Pretty Young Thing" for those of you who weren't alive in the '80's] and more like an E.T. [again, for those of you who weren't alive in the '80's, that's "Extra-Terrestrial"].

Well - we can't wait to see what tonight's results reveal. We suspect it's gonna be an all-male show next week. And that's too bad because we honestly believed the girls had this season in the bag when it all began. Just goes to show - we know nothing.

Non-Voting Sassy

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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Politician To Peers: "Let Me Pee In Peace!"

In a disturbing case of petty, potty politics, Europe's first transgender lawmaker is fighting for his/her right to pee in the place of his/her picking. [Yes, you read that right.] Describing the proposal that s/he have a separate bathroom as "the apartheid of urinary segregation," the peckerless parliamentarian said, "I don't want the privilege of having a toilet all to myself."

Wait ... excuse me ... did you just say, the "apartheid of urinary segregation"? The "apartheid"?? You're seriously comparing your toilet troubles to the "apartheid"? For real? Wow.

Look, man ... er ... I mean, lady: I'm all for urinary equality - after all, I'm known for sneaking into the men's room when the line to the ladies' room is too long - but let's get real. I mean, I don't know how much you know about the actual "apartheid" [or as I prefer to call it: "the horrible history of race relations in South Africa"], but I'd certainly appreciate it if you wouldn't whip that word out during your personal pissing contest, 'kay? Cheers.

Oh, and one more thing: Are you trying to look like an aging Boy George, or is that just a sad (and unavoidable) coincidence? Never mind - I think I answered my own question.

Sassy Squats

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Monday, May 08, 2006


... Must remember to hydrate properly before The Oprah Winfrey Show from now on. Clearly, the post-show cocktails aren't enough to replenish my drained tear ducts. I swear I go through a box of tissues every time!

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Philly/Willy Trip: Day Three


So now we're just that much closer to my old law firm's "Alumni Reception" on Monday. Day One and Day Two of our Philly/Willy trip are behind us and we face the weekend with fresh faces and a date for brunch at Lala's house. This is an important brunch because we will be meeting Lala's Miniature Marsupials (a/k/a "Sugar Gliders") for the first time. Pictured on the left is Ming, who was just born last week!

When Lala coaxes them out of their nest, the teeny weeny gliders are so cute, it's all I can do not to pop one in my mouth and casually walk out of the house. However, my sense of self-preservation prevents me from doing this because I know Lala would surely tackle me in the driveway and I don't want to be sporting two black eyes when I see my former colleagues for the first time on Monday, not to mention I want to look my best for tonight's dinner at Moro - by far the best restaurant in the Philly/Willy region!

We have a cool, laid back time at Lala's and then return to the cleanest hotel for a quick afternoon ... er ... nap before dinner. Judging by the voicemail, Housekeeping is still ticked off at us for refusing to remove the "Do Not Disturb" sign that's been hanging on our door since Thursday. I peek outside our room, spy the maid's cart in the hallway, and tiptoe down to it to score some fresh towels and soap. My covert operation is a complete success, right up to the point where I tug at a couple of towels and EVERYTHING comes tumbling out of the cart. While frantically "ssshing" the falling linens, crashing cups, and rolls of toilet paper now bouncing down the hall, I manage to quickly stuff everything back without getting caught. Granted, the next time the maid sees her cart, she'll think a blind paraplegic attacked it, but, hey, that's not my problem. I haul ass back to our room and hide until it's time to leave for dinner.

Dinner is simply FAB! Jazzy joins us, along with Lala and her hubby, and our kickass Key West friends from downstate Delaware. Throughout the evening, we are treated to visits at our table by other friends and acquaintances who heard we were in town and eating at Moro. Even the ultra-busy Ms. M. RockStar is able to sit and chat with us for a while! And, as always, the food and service are DEEE-VINE! Thanks to the excellent Chef and crew at Moro! Y'all know we'll be back - and raucous as ever!

So - to summarize Day Three:
  • Number of Lala's Mini Marsupials seen: 4
  • Number of Lala's Mini Marsupials I wanted to steal: 4 [I'm almost (almost) ashamed to admit that part of me wants to watch a Sugar Glider torture Playdough .... ]
  • Number of Housekeeping carts ransacked: 1
  • Number of Halle Berry references: 1 [Some dude on our floor saw me getting ice. Did he seriously think the real Ms. Berry would stay at that hotel? Then again, it is the "cleanest hotel in Delaware" ....]
  • Number of times The Cap'n renewed his attempts to convince Jazzy to join us at the "Alumni Reception" on Monday: 0 [Hey. He may be an optimist but The Cap'n knows when a ship has sailed. I mean, if he didn't get her with the lure of free booze, why bother trying?]
  • Saddest comment heard, according to The Cap'n: "Sorry. It's not softshell crab season yet." [Yes - The Cap'n is a crab addict.]
  • Funniest thing seen: The look on Lala's face when I nonchalantly asked her 16 year old daughter whether she was on birth control. [Yikes! And here I thought stealing one of the sugar gliders would surely seal my fate as fishbait in the Delaware River! Not to worry, though - Lala forgave my faux pas ... I think.]
  • Highlight of the Day: Dinner at Moro with all my peeps!
After dinner, we partied like rock stars back at the hotel with Jazzy, the Key West Krew and, of course, Miss Lala. Needless to say, we don't remember much more about Day Three. Tomorrow we'll do some spontaneous shoe shopping, hit a bucket of balls at the driving range, AND visit Miss Gee and Theo! Busy times ahead, folks! Busy times! Stay tuned. After all, THE ALUMNI RECEPTION is almost here!


Thursday, May 04, 2006

AI5 Results: Sassy Update

Ok .... We've had a good night's sleep now and as the cops can't tie any of last night's looting and burning to us, we may be willing to reconsider our previous proclamation. After all, Chris Daughtry is still in the running. But still - how the HELL did Paris get voted off?!? As far as we're concerned, she was the only one that put together two solid performances on Tuesday night. And Sassy voted like mad! Oh well - it proves my point: Always make sure you have two bottles of whiskey on hand for AI5 Results Night!

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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

AI5 RESULTS: No More Paris in Spring

And so, it's official: Sassy and The Cap'n will no longer be watching that ridiculous show.

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Don't You Wish You Spoke Spanish Too?

Mexico is legalizing drugs?!? Hey - do you think this year's Attorney Retreat will still be the planned cruise to Cozumel? I always knew being bilingual would pay off one day! Ok, so maybe I only know one Spanish word, but I guarantee that one word could come in handy in Cozumel this summer!

Silly Sinsemilla Sassy

[A Note From The Editors: The foregoing post by "S.S. Sassy" just came to our attention and we feel compelled to publish the following Disclaimer: The views expressed in this post are not necessarily those of the Editors or the Administration of Sassy Travels. Also, in the interest of truthful publishing, we would point out that Sassy is, in fact, fully bilingual. Her frequent utterance of the one word referenced above is a personal choice and in no way an accurate measurement of the entirety of her linguistic talent. That being said, the way Sassy drinks, maybe she actually forgot the rest of the Spanish she once knew. (She has blackouts, dear.) Anyway, we apologize for any confusion and thank you for your patronage.]

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Philly/Willy Trip: Day Two


Ok. So now it's Friday. We have survived our first night in Wilmington and awake to sunny skies and remarkably mild weather.

The Cap'n wants to go back to Longwood Gardens (pictured on the left), a place I introduced him to the first time he visited me at the beginning of our relationship. So we hop into our rented Aveo and embark on our journey.

As we drive through the beautiful Brandywine Valley, I am bombarded by memories: a glimpse of my old townhouse (in which one of my former partners now resides); the auditorium where I took the Bar exam; the softball field (I never played in any of the games against other law firms, but I did show up to cheer ... and drink beer); the park I walked to with my sweet Beagle, Ranger... and at this point, I take a wrong turn down memory lane .... I see the lab I went to every week for a year for post-pulmonary embolism blood tests; then the physical therapy place where I learned to hate giant rubber balls; and the dreaded mammography clinic where, after the first screening, they made me wait in that stupid paper dress in the hallway for an hour and then called me back in because they "needed to have another look"! Yep - those words will put the fear of GAWD in you. (Thankfully, it was just a cyst) ....

"Dude! Are they throwing away that Mercedes Benz?!"

The Cap'n, bless his heart, interrupts my ill-advised reverie, by pointing at a car parked on the swale at the end of someone's driveway. There's a small "For Sale" sign on the front dash. At least I think it's a "For Sale" sign. The truth is, as we have now entered Greenville (highest per capita income zip code in the entire U.S.), the sign on the Benz just might read: "Free to a Good Home".

We giggle at that for a while and I forget all the earlier flashback foolishness. The rest of the drive is punctuated with our "oohs" and "ahs" as we take in the splendid surrounding scenery. It's a gorgeous spring day in Delaware.

We arrive at the Gardens just as my body realizes it's a quart low on vodka. The Cap'n takes beautiful pictures of the lovely landscape [Ed. Note: Keep an eye on the right sidebar in upcoming weeks] and then we move on to Buckley's Tavern for a late lunch (and a couple of vodka cocktails).
ASIDE: The last time I ate at Buckley's was in 2003, when I told everyone I was moving to Fort Lauderdale to live with The Cap'n. One friend's husband asked me if I thought that was a "wise" decision seeing as how I'd only met The Cap'n 5 weeks earlier. I responded then, as I would now, "Yipper! It's the third wisest decision I've ever made!" (Loyal readers know that my first two wisest decisions involved divorces...) Ok, enough with the "aside"; back to the story.
"You seemed a little off while we were at Longwood," The Cap'n observes between mouthfuls of delicious "tobacco onions" (think "blooming onion" but better).

"Yeah. I have to admit I'm kinda surprised about how I'm reacting to being back here," I reply between mouthfuls of delicious vodka cocktail.

And then, as we sit outdoors on the Tavern's front porch, we talk about it. About my memories. We talk about the good ones. But mostly, we talk about the bad ones....

"I still can't believe I wasted TEN FRIGGIN' YEARS with that guy!"

At this point, the waiter notices my increasing agitation and brings me another vodka cocktail sua sponte. Well, ok, maybe it wasn't sua sponte; maybe The Cap'n secretly signaled him over. (By the way, if you go to Buckley's Tavern and a handsome black guy with a beautiful smile is your waiter, tell him Sassy called him "The Best Damn Waiter. Period." He was awesome! And handsome. Did I mention handsome?).

Anyway, The Cap'n (with a critical assist from the vodka) soothes my soul-searching spasms and an adorable little dog stops to take a shit in the front garden.

"Johnny! No! Not there! These nice people are trying to eat their lunch!" the owner of the adorable little dog hisses between clenched teeth.

She glances at us with a nervous smile. We laugh. Johnny finishes shitting and they move on. Thank goodness Johnny was a little dog.

Lala calls. I reassure her that we are nowhere near to being ready for dinner so no, she isn't running late. She says, "Phew". I finish my liquid lunch; The Cap'n finishes his solid one. We head back to the hotel ... excuse me ... we head back to the cleanest hotel in Delaware and spend the rest of the afternoon in bed. (Think what you want, you filthy-minded reader(s)).

Dinner with Lala is at Mikimotos. Sushi and sake. Always a crowd pleaser. Now I am nervous about running into people I know because it's Friday night and Mikimotos is hopping as usual. Much to my delight (or despair) I see no familiar faces, except for Miss Lala's and she is laughing at something The Cap'n said. She reminds me that this is the first place she and I ate dinner together. I say, "You had me at 'raw clams'." She laughs some more. We finish up and head back to the cleanest hotel, where we spend the rest of the night giggling like girls. (Yes - sometimes even The Cap'n giggles like a girl).

Here's a summary of Day Two:
  • Number of dogs seen shitting during lunch: 1
  • Number of times I thought about my ex-husband, "Norman": 4 [Damn. I would've rather seen more shitting dogs.]
  • Number of Halle Berry references: 0 [Hmm .... Maybe it's over now that she has long hair?]
  • Number of times we got lost driving back to the hotel: 1 [Hey, what do you expect? It was dark and we were drunk.]
  • Number of times Lala told us to start watching "Little Britain": 14 [She was absolutely right; it's friggin' hilarious!]
  • Number of times I wondered how I got so lucky to have a friend like Lala: 3 [In fact, I don't know how I got so lucky to have any of the friends I have!]
  • Funniest comment heard: The Cap'n, referring to the voicemail we got from Housekeeping at our hotel, "Hey, maybe they're worried that we're gonna ruin their cleanliness record." [They called to remind us that they can't clean the room if we insist on leaving the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door all day. We didn't remove the sign ... for the rest of the week.]
  • Highlight of the day: The Cap'n telling me that those ten years with "Norman" weren't wasted; without the passage of that time, I wouldn't have become the wonderful woman and considerate partner (actually, I think he said "kickass girlfriend") I am today. [Thanks, honey. I love you too.]
And there's Day Two for you. Stay tuned for the next installment, which involves miniature marsupials that fly. For real!


Monday, May 01, 2006

Observations From Philly/Willy Trip: Day One

So, as y'all know - Sassy travels and the Cap'n too! Our latest trip took us back to the Philadelphia/Wilmington region (a/k/a Philly/Willy). Why, you ask, did we leave the sun and fun of South Florida for the chills and thrills of the mid-Atlantic region? Well, Sassy's old law firm invited her to an "Alumni Reception" - a novel concept, indeed, but not as crazy as you might think. You see, contrary to the fear suggestion expressed by the people I currently work with, I don't think my former employers were trying to "woo" me back (after all, that would be a waste of an open bar). Rather, I believe the purpose of the gathering was to simply reach out to former partners and associates in a convivial setting and in the spirit of camaraderie. Oh yeah - there may also have been a minimal amount of bragging about how well the firm is doing since we all left, but who cares? Did I mention there was an open bar?

Anyway, we've spent some time [i.e. the unannounced 3 week hiatus ... um, well, that's part of the reason ...] gathering our observations from that trip and we will now share them with you on a day-by-day breakdown. Without further ado, and without apology, here's the first installment of "Observations From Philly/Willy Trip":


Wake up early to pack. Flight leaving at 10 a.m. Have to be at airport two hours early as I think I'm still on the "No Fly" list so must allow extra time for usual strip search. Speaking of which - change panties to granny style. Save thongs for later. Haitian cabbie almost broadsides a bus turning into the airport. Not a great beginning to the trip.
  • Number of velour track suits seen at Fort Lauderdale airport: 12
  • Number of actual track athletes seen at airport: 0
  • Number of pre-flight cocktails: 0 [Shocking, I know, but true.]
  • Number of in-flight cocktails: .... Um ... 3, no 4?
  • Number of in-flight cocktails actually purchased from flight attendant: 0 [Yes - I said "zero."]
  • Number of times I laughed at Dave Chappelle's stand-up on my video iPod during the flight: 59
  • Number of times random strangers compared me to Halle Berry: 2 [Will it never end?]
  • Funniest comment heard: The Cap'n trying to convince Jazzy to join us at the Alumni Reception on Monday: "Yeah - but they'll have free food and booze!" Spoken like a true non-lawyer. Way to break it down to the basics, Cap'n! And it almost worked. Gotta love him!
  • Number of times I wondered whether attending the Reception was actually a good idea: 2
  • Number of times self-doubt soothed by sip of scotch: Um ... at least 2
  • Highlight of the day: Loyal Reader, The Boz, walking into Kid Shelleen's.
The events post-drinks-at-Kid-Shelleen's (one of our fave watering holes in Wilmington) are predictably blurry (and I believe there may have been some nudity involved) so we'll skip them. Suffice it to say, we checked into a charming little hotel that claimed to have a better "cleanliness" rating than the world famous Hotel DuPont.

"Y'all beat out the Hotel DuPont?" I challenge the front desk clerk with all due skepticism (and scotch-laced breath).

"Well, for cleanliness, yeah," he replies proudly.

Interesting. Doubtful, to be sure, but interesting nonetheless. We place the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door and hit the hay.

And, that's all we can publish for Day One. Stay tuned for Day Two. It gets juicy, we promise!