Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Sassy Asks: "Are You Down With O.B.G.?"

So ... it has been a week and I'm still drafting this friggin' appellate brief. If you're a lawyer, there's a saying you should be familiar with: "The only thing worse than one deadline, is a second deadline." In other words, it's bad enough when you're pulling all-nighters to file a brief on time; however, it's even worse when you get an extension and have another 4 weeks to draft the same brief. Ugh .... Now, our strategy has changed; I'm rethinking all of my arguments; the client wants more factual background inserted; the judge is going on vacation; Playdough peed on my office rug ... I mean, it's a veritable nightmare! And, I'm probably gonna stall until the last minute and end up having to pull all-nighters again to meet the new deadline anyway! Well - as they say in Italy - whaddayagonnadoo? [Ed. Note: We're pretty certain that is not what they say in Italy. Sassy is stupid, but you all knew that ....]

Anyway, I wanted to take a break to make sure my loyal reader(s) got some Sassy Sagacity even while I continue drafting this monstrosity of a brief (it's already 50 pages long). So here's your Sassy Sagacity for today:
Don't go to the Cingular Wireless store without an Other Bodyguard.

NOTE: An Other Bodyguard is not for your safety; his job is to guard Other Bodies ... from you.
That's right, you heard me. Every woman should have an Other Bodyguard (or as I call them, an "O.B.G."). Your O.B.G. may be male or female. Either way, your O.B.G. should know you well, as in: What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What makes you leap store counters in an attempt to remove testicular objects with a dull butter knife? Don't laugh. A good O.B.G. could be the difference between a night at Red Lobster munching on cheesy biscuits or a night in jail on assault and battery charges. Trust me.

Anyway, suffice it to say, if my personal O.B.G. (a/k/a The Cap'n) hadn't been present when I went to the Cingular Wireless store last week, there would have been bloodshed (and/or flippin' 'n' burnin' of white people's cars) for sure. Let me break it down for you:

[9:01 a.m.]: In a shocking development, Sassy decides not to watch Regis & Kelly in bed as she normally does. Instead, Sassy actually gets up.

[9:02 a.m.]: Sassy addresses The Cap'n: "Dude, did you make any of that liquid crack you call coffee?" The Cap'n says he did. Sassy pours one (1) teaspoon of said liquid crack into a 6 oz mug of 2% milk and nukes it for 20 secs in the microwave.

[9:15 a.m.]: Sassy has the shakes; despite his assurances to the contrary, The Cap'n's coffee is even stronger than usual. Nonetheless, Sassy decides to make the long commute to the office.

[9:16 a.m.]: Sassy arrives at her office. In spite of traffic delays (Sam, The Dog, was still asleep in the hallway) and unexpected detours (one of the kitchen stools was out of place and then Sassy went back to the bedroom to see Josh Lucas on Regis & Kelly), it turns out that this morning's commute wasn't so bad.

[9:17 a.m.]: Sassy fires up her laptop and logs onto the remote server. She notes she has a teleconference scheduled for 11:00 a.m. Client is supposed to call her beforehand.

[11:15 a.m.]: Client finally calls: "Hey! We've been trying to reach you for a while! We couldn't get through to your cell on our landlines so we had to call you from our cell phones." Puzzled, Sassy shrugs and gets on with the teleconference.

[1:14 p.m.]: One of Sassy's partners calls: "Girl, what is wrong with your cell phone? I couldn't get through for hours. All I got was a busy signal, not even your voicemail." Sassy simply responds that she doesn't know what could be wrong.

[2:36 p.m.]: The Cap'n comes home for a late lunch: "Honey, I've been trying to call you for two hours to see if you wanted me to pick you up a sandwich before I came home. All I get is a "Call Failed" message. What's up with your cell phone?" Now Sassy is seriously concerned and decides to call 611 for "Tech Support" on her cell phone. [Ed. Note: Yes - we are aware that, apparently, Sassy cares less about staying in touch with her clients and partners than she does about being able to field calls from her man asking if she wants a BLT for lunch. And for that, we apologize, but we have little or no control over her.]

[3:45 p.m.]: Sassy is still on the phone with Tech Support. After running a bunch of tests and so-called diagnostics, the young man on the other end of the line suspects Sassy's SIM card has gone bad. Sassy asks how she can get a new one. Tech Support says she has to go to the Cingular Wireless store.

[3:46 p.m.]: Sassy calls the Cingular Wireless store to make sure they have SIM cards in stock. They do. Sassy is agitated because she was supposed to take another conference call at 4 o'clock and, obviously, the client is not going to be able to contact her. Oh well. Sassy makes a vodka cocktail.

[4:01 p.m.]: Sensing Sassy's increasing levels of agitation and anxiety [Ed. Note: ... or was it her increasing levels of blood alcohol?], The Cap'n announces that he will drive Sassy to the Cingular Wireless store. Sassy accepts the offer; after all (and this is based on her past experiences at said store), it's always good to have an intelligent companion with you when confronted with morons. The Cap'n puts on his O.B.G. outfit (Maui Jims, shorts, flip flops ... ok, maybe that's what he always wears) and the duo head out.

[4:22 p.m.]: Sassy and her O.B.G. arrive at the Cingular Wireless store.

[7:29 p.m.]: Sassy and her O.B.G. get back home (without having to stop at the bail bonds office, for a change).

Yes - three (3) hours later!!!!!!!!!! OH. MY. GAWD. What a friggin' nightmare!

Oh, I almost forgot to explain why you should hire an Other Bodyguard (O.B.G.) for the protection of other people (like store clerks). Well - here are 10 reasons:
  1. You should hire an Other Bodyguard for the protection of others because, when you go to the Cingular Wireless store, the clerk will give you a new SIM card and send you on your way. However, even though you follow Tech Support's instructions, your cell phone still won't work. [An experienced O.B.G. will encourage you to check your phone before leaving the store's parking lot.]
  2. You should hire an Other Bodyguard for the protection of others because, upon your return to the store, the clerk will announce: "Back already?" You will glare at said store clerk. He will screw around with your phone some more and advise you that you've now lost all of your contacts, all your text messages, all your e-mails, all your games, all your ringtones, all your photos, and all your videos. But, no worries, he'll give you a $25 credit on your bill. You will explain to the store clerk that $25 would hardly cover the cost of the time you've already lost today because of this (store clerk's word) "inconvenience". Store clerk will reply, chuckling stupidly, that this "inconvenience" is causing him to lose time too. [Here, an experienced O.B.G. will gently place his hand on your elbow.] Then, the store clerk will announce that he doesn't know what's wrong with your phone and will advise you to call ... (wait for it) ... Tech Support. [At this point, your Other Bodyguard should move his hand up to the center of your back and apply firm, but gentle, pressure.]
  3. You should hire an Other Bodyguard for the protection of others because, when you angrily demand that the store clerk call Tech Support for you as you've already spent an hour on the phone with them to no avail, the store clerk will place the call and get put on hold for FIFTEEN minutes. You will query the delay and the store clerk will reply, "There is no direct line to Tech Support in the store." [Your Other Bodyguard will move behind you and place both hands on your shoulders, massaging firmly.]
  4. You should hire an Other Bodyguard because every other customer in the store will be pissed off for their own reasons. [Your O.B.G. will prevent you from using this to incite an impromptu riot.]
  5. You should hire an Other Bodyguard because Tech Support will advise the store clerk that they don't know what's wrong with your phone either. You will ask to speak to the Store Manager, who will emerge from the back ... TWENTY minutes later. Because you've worked in retail, you will ask, "Is this really the Store Manager or just another clerk with a different shirt on?" [Your O.B.G. will cough quietly and try to signal the clerks with his eyes that they should flee immediately.]
  6. You should hire an Other Bodyguard for the protection of others because the so-called "Store Manager" will announce that, because of your complaints, he checked his own phone and just noticed that his isn't working either. [When you sarcastically go, "Gee. That's just swell," your O.B.G. will laugh softly to make them think you're being funny.]
  7. You should hire an Other Bodyguard because, while Tech Support claims to be working on the problem, you will refuse to leave the store until your phone is fixed. Time will pass slowly. [Your O.B.G. can distract you with kisses, cuddles, and/or random jokes and idle gossip.]
  8. You should hire an Other Bodyguard for the protection of others because a tall, black woman with a bright, red, Orphan Annie wig [seriously, we can't make that shit up] will ask the "Store Manager" and clerk why both of them are needed to help you when she is standing there waiting to be taken care of. Needless to say, you will prepare a deadly up-and-down look for Black Orphan Annie, but your O.B.G. will pinch you ... hard ... and Black Orphan Annie will retreat to the safety of the other side of the store.
  9. You should hire an O.B.G. because later on (as in THREE hours later on) Tech Support will say they've found the problem and fixed it nationwide. Apparently, you were the first to notice. [Seriously.] When you demand restitution (as in a free Blackberry upgrade) for all your troubles, the "Store Manager" will announce that he can't make any concessions because he, in fact, is not the Store Manager. He, in fact, is just filling in. [Here, I anticipate that your O.B.G. will move in between you and the fake "Store Manager" and kiss you or otherwise find a way of preventing your lips from properly forming a word beginning with the letter "F".] When the fake Store Manager adds that if you want any kind of credit, you should call "Customer Care", your O.B.G. will quickly wrap you up in his arms and pull you toward the exit.
  10. And finally, you should hire an Other Bodyguard for the protection of others because, as your O.B.G. drags you away, you will pose the following question (perhaps a tad too loudly): "What the hell is the friggin' point of this store? There's no support, no service; hell, there isn't even a signal!" [It's true. If you want to make a call, you actually have to leave the store to get a cell tower signal. Ironic, I know, but true.] Another store employee will approach you and, apparently ignorant of the concept of rhetorical questions, will attempt to answer your angry outburst. More importantly, he will offer you a "great deal" if you bundle your cell phone service with BellSouth DSL. [And this is where hiring a good O.B.G. is really key ...] Your O.B.G. will quickly intervene, warning, "Dude, NOW is NOT a good time to try and sell her something!" while physically restraining you. In spite of your hysterical screeching, your O.B.G. will manage to thwart your attempt to injure the BellSouth dude, who will walk away, quickly, and with his gonads intact [my dull butter knife was in my other pants anyway]. Thereafter, your O.B.G. will whisk you away without further fodder for felonius conduct on your part.
So there you have it! I suggest that, if you haven't already done so, go get an experienced Other Bodyguard immediately. You won't be sorry, I promise.

Sassy's Down With O.B.G. (Yeah - you know me!)

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Anonymous said...

I too have found it necessary to use the O.B.G. They most definitely come in handy when you don't feel like spending a night in the clink.

JJ - A.K.A. Bernie

The Boz said...

This is feakin hilarious!

"Dude, NOW is NOT a good time to try and sell her something!"

Loving it.

JazzyJ said...

My sides hurt. Thanks for the laugh!

Your post came at a great time, beacause I am considering kicking Cingular to the curb. Why, you query? Ironically, it is their OWN FRIGGIN MARKETING CAMPAIGN. You know the commericals where they joke about having dropped calls? The ones where the voice of the person in the comemrcial drops out for 10 seconds? And then Cingular proclaims, "Fewer dropped calls than any other network." It is a total lie. Otherwise, my cell phone wouldn't randomly drop calls while I am sitting MOTIONLESS on my couch talking to people. Otherwise, my cell wouldn't drop 50-60% of my calls after I have been on the phone for 19:50. (I cant make that shit up. Does it at least 50% of the time.)

Needless to say, I scream at the TV everytime that commerical comes on.

Sassy - I know I owe you a call. Will check in later today. If your phone is working. :-)

Sassy said...

What up, my peeps! Glad y'all got a chuckle out of that one!