Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Sassy Travel Alert

Well - it's that time again ... Y'all know the routine by now: Sassy travels, and the Cap'n too! This time we're headed to Key West to celebrate birthdays (mine and Barb's). Miss Lala will be accompanying us for the festivities. A good time will be had by all - I guarantee!

If we're lucky, we will run into Coconut Pete while we're down there.

What's that, you say? You don't know who Coconut Pete is?

Well, then. This will give you something to do while we're down in the Keys:

Rent "Broken Lizard's Club Dread"! It's a hysterical spoof of slasher flicks, with some tongue-in-cheek at the expense of Key West icon, Jimmy Buffet. After you have had an opportunity to review the movie, and when you're done giggling, there will be a pop quiz upon my return.

Sample questions include:
  • Which came first, Margaritaville or Pina Colada-burg?
  • What's the secret ingredient in Coconut Pete's "Coconut Paella"?
  • Why is it a bad idea to use a golf cart as a getaway car when a deranged murderer is walking next to you?
And so on.....

Anyway, it's time for Sassy to pay some bills for the next couple of days before all the debauchery down south. ... So, you know, talk amongst yourselves ...

Salty Sassy

P.S. If you ever want to know what the weather is like where Sassy travels, check out the weather magnet at the top right-hand side of this page! Just another service brought to you by Sassy Travels (and The Weather Channel)!

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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

A Sassy Travels Administrative Announcement

This Blog = My Real Full Time Job

Dude - could someone please start sending me a paycheck (plus health insurance benefits, a 401k plan, and optional year-end bonus) for doing this bloody Blog?!? Y'all have no idea how much time blogging consumes! My mom thinks I should start a whole new career writing HTML code and tweaking templates to suit different internet browsers ... and I am beginning to agree!

So - I changed the template coding because my parents (and 30% of the rest of you) use Firefox and the Blog wouldn't load properly for them. Then one of the 64% of my readership that still uses Internet Explorer told me she could no longer read the posts. So - I made some more changes. And now, having spent [a conservative estimate of] 19 hours researching CSS template code issues; reading HTML; and repeatedly republishing this template, I think I may have resolved everyone's complaints. [Well ... almost everyone's. ... My dental hygienist still thinks I should floss more and my bank wishes I would stop bouncing checks. Otherwise, I'm good.]

The point is - can't we all just get along? Would everyone please just switch to Firefox already? [There's a convenient button at the bottom of the right side-bar, if you're interested.] Seriously - you will undoubtedly prefer Firefox as a web-browser because it's a) faster; b) more secure; c) fully customizable [Yes, Ben, that is a word...]; and d) full of neat features unavailable on that old dinosaur, Internet Explorer. Also - and more importantly - it would make my life easier [and by "easier" I mean, instead of sitting in front of the computer all day in a coherent state of mind, I would be able to go back to drinking at a reasonable hour in the morning].

In any event, if you are still having problems with the way this page loads in your browser, I would be more than happy to fix it ... right after your check clears and the funds become available in my bank account.

Sassy Webmaster

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Thursday, September 22, 2005

West Coast Wandering Wisdom

As y'all know, Sassy and the Cap'n just returned from a wonderful 10 day trip out to the West Coast. We flew from Fort Lizzle to Seattle, drove to Anacortes, chartered a yacht, crossed the Puget Sound via the San Juan Islands, and lived on the hook [that means "anchored offshore" for all you landlubbers] for 4 days in lovely Port Townsend during the Wooden Boat Festival. Thereafter, we made our way back to Seattle, where we spent the night before flying down to San Francisco. Our week in San Fran was filled with great trips to Sausalito, Stinson Beach, and the Muir Woods. Near the end of our stay, we traveled out to the Napa Valley area and spent two glorious days in St. Helena.

Without boring you with too many details (and also in the interest of avoiding any inadvertent TMI), here are some general "Do's and Don'ts" for those of you planning a trip to the West Coast:


1. Do enjoy a picnic at the V. Sattui winery. They have a full Italian deli market (do try the garlic-stuffed olives!) and a great wine-tasting bar with very friendly staff. Also, the grounds are really picturesque, with roses and countless other flowering trees and shrubs in full bloom at this time of year. [NOTE: Post-picnic headstand on the winery's lawn (as performed in the photo by the Cap'n and Jud) is optional and may require the consumption of at least two bottles of Sattui's very excellent Dry Johannisberg Riesling beforehand.]

2. Do spend a night at the Hotel St. Helena on Main Street. Its Victorian quaintness will amuse and delight you. [NOTE: Don't let the countless dolls dangling from the tearoom's ceiling scare you. Ben and I are pretty sure none of them came alive during breakfast.]

3. Do drink as many glasses of Joseph Phelps wine as humanly possible. It's simply DIVINE! [NOTE: If you can, try to get an appointment to visit the winery as well. The view from the back terrace is a tranquil delight, notable for the absence of traffic noise. Check out Ben's photo on the left.]

4. Do eat at Terra Restaurant in St. Helena! After you pass through the flagstone facade of this fancy restaurant, you will be treated to an extraordinarily exquisite meal and spectacular service!

5. Do turn on your boat's radar before crossing the Puget Sound in pea soup fog.

6. Do dine at Adrift in Anacortes. The restaurant is cozy, the food is phenomenal, and you can browse an eclectic assortment of old books while you nosh. Impeccable service too! I mean, our waitress didn't even bat an eyelid at my soot-covered jeans. [NOTE: The soot came from an abandoned tractor I was "driving" earlier on....but that's a whole other post....]

7. Do sample wild blackberries along the roadside in Anacortes......

8. ...Yep ... and do remember to pack Pepto-Bismol. [By the way - if you are already bored with this post - I recommend you visit the Pepto website and create your own nausea-indigestion-diarrhea dance with the cowboy! And no, I didn't make that up.]

9. Do visit the Jeff Leedy art gallery in Sausalito. We promise you will laugh your ass off! Don't forget to give Rex a bellyrub for us!

10. Do count your blessings when standing on the Muir Beach Overlook. We still can't believe the Gov't lets you walk across a long, rickety, wooden path - in gusty winds, I might add - all the way out to the furthest point of the cliff.... If you are brave enough to walk the planks, and then look down, the view at the point is not only breathtaking, it's mess-merizing [as in - I nearly "messed" my pants....but I managed to snap this shot for you guys!]

Ok - so there are a few "Do's" for you. And now let's hit the "Don'ts"...


1. Don't steal grapes from unknown vineyards as you drive by them in Napa. [NOTE: That just seems like good advice and is in no way indicative of actions taken by yours truly....]

2. Don't drink a Big Gulp before you get onto the Bay Bridge at rush hour.

3. Don't laugh at this guy in Port Townsend....He really can play 4 instruments at the same time and he is truly talented. His music is serene and will put you in a happy trance (especially if you just spent 4 hours in the Beer Garden at the Wooden Boat Festival).

4. Don't buy a four-stroke, 4HP outboard motor. They suck. [Ok - that's not specifically a West Coast travel tip ... It's just general advice. ... Sorry.]

5. Don't go to the Cow Palace [yes - that's the real name] in San Francisco unless you're interested in guns, recreational vehicles, rodeos, and/or attending this year's Exotic Erotic Ball.... [Are we the only ones that found that combination of events weird?]

6. Don't get deceived at Deception Pass in the San Juan Islands. The current RIPS through there!

7. Don't let a friendly waiter (I think Rocky was his name) encourage you to drink 5 "personal pitchers" of beer the night before a 5 a.m. flight. [Personal pitchers look like normal mugs, but they hold 32 ozs of beer.]

And most importantly of all....

8. Don't save any of your wine for friends back home. It never tastes as good as when you drink it in Napa! So, drink up, baby!

Well, we hope you enjoyed these little pieces of advice. Remember [insert legal disclaimer here], we drink a lot and don't always know what we're talking about.

[Ed. Note: A big shout-out and thanks to our hosts: Pete - The Prince of Port Townsend; Jud - The Best Damn Ballon Artist Period; and Rob - The Knight of Nimes. We also send warm greetings to all the friends we made along the way: The Lynch family of Shamrock (we stand ready to crew that yacht for you!); Karin (can't wait 'til you move back to Napa so we can come visit!); Nina (good luck with the "rearrangement"!); Max (remember - real women drink scotch!); Bonnie (incredible olive oil!); and newlyweds-at-70, Bernie & Brenda of Yorkshire, England (congrats again on the nuptials and we look forward to seeing you when your cruise ship arrives in Ft. Lizzle!)]

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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Ladies & Gentlemen Of The Jury...

...That Whooshing Sound You Hear Might Be The Sound Of Justice...

Remember how Sassy told y'all about the Penis Pumping Judge? And how, as a result of his alleged antics of misguided masturbation, he was arrested on charges of indecent exposure? [Ed. Note: If you don't remember - shame on you - and click here].

Well, now it's getting close to trial time and motions in limine are being filed ad nauseum. [Only a lawyer could incorporate two, double-worded, Latin phrases into one simple sentence and then use an editorial aside to explain the unnecessary legalese to death. So, instead of doing that, let's just move on, shall we?....]

The Associated Press reports that the judge presiding over the felonious fondler's trial has recently ruled on whether to allow jurors access to tantalizing tidbits such as: 1) The penis pump in question; 2) Another penis pump [I guess he was a collector?]; and 3) A photo of the jerking jurist's johnson for identification purposes..... [Will there be a line-up?!]

Opposing the prosecutor's efforts to introduce the primary penis pump into evidence, the de-benched defendant's lawyer argued that:

the state should be prevented from submitting the device as evidence, [because] not only did it not function but ... it also was sawed in half while in the state's custody. Prosecutor Pattye High said an Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation chemist followed procedure in sawing the pump in two to swab it for DNA evidence.

Ok - I don't know about you guys but that whole last paragraph made me a little woozy.... And, as loyal readers can guess, it left me with a couple of key questions. Here they are:

1. How do they know the penis pump is broken? Seriously. Whose job was it to try it out? Some first year Assistant District Attorney? Did he have to wear special gear to test the used [yuck] penis pump? Did he conduct more than one test for control purposes? I mean, are we sure it was the pump's fault - cuz, you know, some men "malfunction" all on their own, even with masterful manipulation. I don't know. I need more info.

2. Wouldn't sawing the sex toy in half cause it to malfunction? I mean, are they saying the sucker was screwed up before the sawing, or after? Did they slice it while it was being tested? And if so, is the first year Assistant D.A. OK?

3. Why did they saw it in half again? Oh, swab it for DNA evidence ..... Ok - seriously - my grossometer just pegged out. The whole idea is simply tasteless (kinda like this post). But in case you guys are still gung-ho, let me just say that cutting the thing in half was unnecessary. After all (and the women will agree with me here) there are some pretty long Q-tips in our doctors' offices that the investigator could have used.... [Guys, just think about it - One ... two ... three ... Now you're grossed out, aren't you?]

And finally - - -

4. Do we really need to use the term "in state's custody" when referring to a sex toy? I mean, the images that come to mind are quite confusing, don't you think? Like, by "custody", do they mean the vascular vacuum is in a pair of handcuffs? What if the deviant device was a pair of handcuffs? Then what? Is it simply confined to a room with no meaningful hope of escape. [First year law students will get that one]. Are there guards assigned to keep an eye on it? And if so, how long are the guards'... [get your minds out of the gutter] ... shifts?

I don't know. This whole thing gets weirder and weirder. Especially when you consider that prosecutors propose to play over a hundred hours of courtroom tape recordings so the jury can listen to the sound of the penis pump being used behind the bench during trials. The funny thing about that one is - and you lawyers can help me with the Rules of Evidence here - won't they have to perform a live version for the jurors during the trial so those poor people can properly recognize the sound on the tape? Or is there some other way to authenticate the noise the inflating instrument makes? Like, is there some audio expert out there willing to testify with a reasonable degree of certainty that, in his expert opinion, that whooshing sound you hear is.....Well, you know the rest.

Dude, with all this erotic evidence, the trial promises to be the next best thing to that Jerry Springer Show I watched last night: "My Boyfriend Doesn't Know I'm A High-Priced Ho". I can't wait!


Silent Sassy

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Monday, September 19, 2005

Help Hurricane Katrina Victims!

Yo peeps - listen up! As we sit here in South Florida awaiting Tropical Storm Rita [oy vey], I thought it was a fitting time to remind our loyal readers that it's never too late to make a donation to the Katrina Fund or the Red Cross. We were graciously spared Katrina's fury but, as you all know, countless others weren't so lucky. You can make donations easily online and remember, every little bit helps!

[This has been a Sassy Travels public service announcement].

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Thursday, September 15, 2005

Sassy is on her way to Napa but sitting in a parking lot on the Bay Bridge in San Fran. They say it will be four hours. We'll see. I'm ready for some wine!

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Yo! Nizzle! Happy Birthday!

This is a shout out to our boy Nizzle! As most of our loyal readers know, Nizzle is now a freshman at Auburn University. Tomorrow is his 19th birthday and we miss him dearly, especially as I have no-one to wash my Jeep for me in exchange for homework assignments.... And the Cap'n hasn't got a dirt bike buddy anymore....

Nizzle may be a big boy at Auburn now but I still get calls with "Burning Questions":

[Insert "Brass Monkey" ringtone by Beastie Boys here....]

Sassy [puts down the brief she is editing and answers cell phone]: Yo Nizzle.

Nizzle: Yo.

Sassy: What's up? How's college life treating you? Any hot chicks at Auburn?

Nizzle: Loads. Hey - speaking of loads....which load should I wash my new pink Polo shirt in?

And it's just like old times again. Y'all know that Sassy is the source of sagacity when it comes to answering Nizzle's numerous Burning Questions such as "what to eat for dinner" and "who is William Wordsworth"? So it should come as no surprise that I am also the "go to" person for washing wisdom. I hear some of you snickering but I shall now prove to you that I know loads about laundry:

Sassy: Well, don't wash it with your whites.

Nizzle: Um. Ok. So wash it with my jeans?

Sassy: Dude! Do you want it to turn out with blue streaks? Or do ya feel lucky, punk? Do ya?! [Sassy channels Dirty Harry sometimes. Sorry.]

Nizzle: Well - geez. Alright, alright. But I only have a small load of dark stuff and it's two blue shirts and a pair of jeans and I've washed them all plenty of times before.

Sassy: [losing interest in the conversation and going back to editing the brief] Yeah that should be fine.

Nizzle: Wait! What's fine? Washing it with dark stuff or washing it with white stuff?

Sassy: Yep.

Now, loyal readers, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking Sassy should pay better attention. After all, it's not like Nizzle calls every day, right? But here's the thing. I know Nizzle, and I know that he will figure out this pink Polo problem all by himself if I let him talk it through.

Nizzle: I'm gonna use the Fluff 'n' Fold service. It's cheap enough and they do your laundry and fold it and everything.

Sassy: Dude. You should do your own laundry. You should try to learn at least one life lesson while your in college.

Nizzle: Well. I figure I did my laundry that one time so I'm good.

Sassy: Your girlfriend's gonna hate you.

Nizzle: Hey. I'm a man. My job is to hunt and bring home meat. That's it.

Sassy: Yeah - well that's great if you're dating some cave chick who doesn't bathe or shave her pits.

Nizzle [chuckling]: Yeah, I guess.

Sassy: And the problem with those cave chicks is that they'll dump you the minute they find a man with bigger meat than yours.....

[Laughter all round]

Sassy: But seriously. If you wash it with the whites in hot water, it might make your undies pink. If you wash it with the jeans, it might go blue. So - well - choose wisely.

Later that night, Nizzle called with more Burning Questions. The Cap'n fielded these as they involved fraternity issues and frankly, that's all Greek to me. I made hand signals to get the Cap'n's attention. "Ask him about the pink Polo!" I urged. The Cap'n obliged and got back to me with the following info:

The Cap'n: He washed it separately.

See? I told you he'd figure it out by himself!

Anyway, Nizzle... Happy birthday, dude! Sorry we can't be with you but don't worry - the Cap'n is preparing a sweet care package for you. There's at least two rolls of duct tape and a can of WD-40 in it. And, needless to say, I'm gonna add a used Q-Tip and a drill bit. You should be set! So, lots of luv coming at ya from the Puget Sound.

The Sassy Stew


Friday, September 09, 2005

Greetings From Aboard The Prime Meridian!

This is a photo of our home for the next few days, the "Prime Meridian". We are anchored off Port Townsend, Washington. Beautiful spot (...albeit a tad cold for us South Florida folks!) Anyhoo, we are bundled up in our fleece and wool scarves and having a boatload of fun!

Aside from the close call with a Navy destroyer as we made our way blindly through pea soup fog crossing the Sound yesterday:

The Cap'n: I heard a fog horn.

Sassy (sticking her head out the flybridge window): I'll keep an eye out.

The Cap'n: Yeah. Gotta be vigilant.

[Insert very loud foghorn blast from very nearby here.]

Sassy (eyes big as dinner plates, pointing to starboard with trembling hand): Um. There it is.

The Cap'n: Where?

Sassy: There.

Now the Cap'n sees the huge, ghostly outline of a Navy destroyer about 50 yards away. Does he panic? No. He simply delivers the following line in the most deadpan way:

The Cap'n: Well. At least now we know what our visibility is - not much.

[Insert hysterical giggling by Sassy here.]

Aside from that close call, and aside from the other close call with a channel marker as we entered Port Wilson...still blind....and still in pea soup fog; and aside from our dinghy breaking down and the Cap'n having to row us back to Primey in bone-chilling winds and ripping currents last night.....well, aside from all that, the trip has been very uneventful.

The Wooden Boat Festival is in progress and there are some awesome vessels up here. The Cap'n is in Cap'n Heaven. Our yacht is gorgeous and the anchorage is slowly filling up with sailing vessels here for the Festival. Right now we are watching a crew dressed in period costumes as they board a square rigger docked near us.

Port Townsend is a lovely, quaint town. Historic architecture and rolling hills, surrounded by breathtaking views of the Olympic mountain range. If you're a boater, we definitely recommend it - but you might want to come during the summer....Did I mention the fog?

Anyway, finishing up my rum 'n' coffee [Hey - all sailors drink rum, right? Besides - it's friggin' cold!] and signing off for now. Cell phone battery running low (I am using it to get online via Bluetooth connection!) Will try to post more pics later.

Ahoy maties!

Sassy First Mate

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Anchored off Port Townsend. Crossed Puget Sound safely in very thick fog!

Crossing the Puget Sound!

Sassy and the Captain are sailing around the San Juan islands in a chartered yacht!

As you will learn in later post - it got quite foggy on this journey....

If you ever get the chance, however, you MUST cruise the San Juan Islands! Absolutely fabulous. Make sure you've got a steady captain and crew, though!

Monday, September 05, 2005

Fantasy Football Shocker: Dog Drafts Doozie

Well it's official - I am a Fantasy Football junkie. Yep cabbage.

This is my first year participating in such frivolity and already I can see that I'm gonna be wasting countless hours "wheeling and dealing" and trying to nab a decent kicker during the waiver period. Oh goodie. And, no, I didn't draft Donovan McNabb (....I tried, but Ben stole him from me during the first round when I was busy locking up the Steelers Defense, per Jazzy's instructions....). Anyway, good times are ahead!

You see, the Cap'n and I created our very own fantasy league - the Lauderdale Lunatix League (also known as the Ben.F.L.) - and godhelpme, I'm addicted. Over the weekend we created our teams (12 of them) and ranked our players and positions in preparation for Draft Day. The league "Commissioner" ran the automated draft this morning and off we went!

So, speaking of this morning's draft.... Ben and I hopped out of bed around 7 a.m., eager to see our starting line-ups. And when I say "eager", I mean, Ben hadn't had his coffee yet and I hadn't even gotten the ice out for my Bloody Mary! So you can imagine how unprepared we were when faced with the simply shocking, stunning, and stupefying draft results.....! Let's just say this - me and Ben are both ready to go ahead and concede the Ben.F.L. Superbowl title to Sam. Yep, you heard me....Sam, our dog, is probably gonna win.

"What?" you ask. "How can that be!?" you exclaim. "Kick off isn't 'til Thursday," you remind us. "So how can the draft results cause such despair?"

Well - lemme explain: You see, Ben and I had the brilliant idea of ranking some players on Sam's behalf. We thought it would be funny to pick some so-called "underdogs", figuring Sammy would feel a certain sense of loyalty towards these underrated players. Yeah - great plan. Oh, and how we giggled as we selected Sam's Specialists.... Well, guess who's having the last laugh now....

We pull up the draft results and notice that in the first round, Sammy snagged Kyle Orton. Hmmm.....A savvy canine choice, don't you think? Ben and I nod silently at the computer screen and move on. In the second round, Sam apparently landed Tatum Bell. I hear Ben gulp. I shrug. How bad can it be? Well, let's see....

I click on the third round draft results and learn, to my utter amazement, that the crafty canine selected Keenan McCardell! Now wait a gosh-darned minute! How is it possible that Keenan was still available in the THIRD ROUND? I'm petitioning for an inquiry on this one. And moving right along, we learn that Sammy also nabbed Ronnie Brown and David Carr and Anquan Boldin....well, JEEZ-us! The friggin' list goes on.

Now I am beside myself. I think the damned dog cheated and hacked the computer while we were sleeping, changing all our rankings. In fact, I notice he is all wiped out today....that's what happens when he stays up so late.... [By the way, he just sauntered in here and I could swear he was snickering....]

Anyway, we will keep y'all posted on the Lunatix standings, especially as Sassy Travels has its own team! Here's a listing of the Lauderdale Lunatix League teams and some vital statistix:

Bajan Ballers: Team Owner - Jo. When asked how players were selected, the unusually reticent Jo replied, "I tried to draft my boyz. I didn't get them all." With that she abruptly left the room, stopping only to hawk a loogie on the left shoe of Maulers team owner, the Cap'n. Should be an interesting season.

Starting QB - Daunte Culpepper. Key players - Brian Westbrook, Duce Staley, Plaxico Burress, Mushin Muhammed, Hines Ward. Defense - Buccaneers.

Drifters Escape: We are told by team owner, Perry (of Kevin & Perry fame) that this team was selected on the basis of each player's journeyman status. We are not sure what the hell Perry meant by that but, oh well.

Starting QB - Jake Delhomme. Key players - Curtis Martin; Priest Holmes; Randy Moss; A. Crumpler. Defense - Cowboys.

BenJo's Best: The media's golden child, we are told this highly-touted team was selected using the default rankings supplied by the Ben.F.L. Calls to the anonymous team owner(s) remain unanswered.

Starting QB - P. Manning. Key players - Tiki Barber; Corey Dillon; Larry Fitzgerald; Marvin Harrison; Adam Vinatieri. Defense - Eagles.

Da Irie Men: Apparently under the influence of a questionable weed, team owner, Danny Parker, states that she tried to only draft players who wore dreadlocks at one time or another. We'll be lucky if this team actually makes it out of the locker room. By the way, folks, that smoke you see at the end of the tunnel during player introductions is being tested by the DEA.

Starting QB - Michael Vick. Key players - Edgerrin James; Ricky Williams; L. Tomlinson; Lavernius Coles.

JoJo's Jocks: Rumor has it this team was crafted for one reason and one reason alone: To win the Superbowl. In a recent interview, team owner, JoJo Esquire, delivered the following priceless nuggets: "We are here to win. We know that we have to score points and we intend to do so. We need to complete passes; we need to sack QBs; we need to finish games. This is what we are here for and this is what we will do. Others need not apply." In a related story, John Madden is said to be retiring at the end of this year and has pointed to Ms. Esquire to replace him in the sportscaster's booth. Great.

Starting QBs - Steve McNair; Chad Pennington. Key players - Aman Green; Shaun Alexander. Defense - The Pittsburgh Steelers.

Meatwad's Meanies: This expansion team joined the draft late but left with a handful of decent players. Team owners, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, have announced that, if they win the big game, they will never pee in Carl's pool again. When asked to clarify that statement, the cartoon characters simply responded: "Number One in the Hood, Gee."

Starting QBs - Jake Plummer; Kerry Collins. Key players - W. McGahee; Tony Gonzalez; Ryan Longwell. Defense - Chargers.

Sam's Specialists: Team Owner - Sam. Y'all know about this team. If the dog wins, I'm boycotting Fantasy Football forever.

The Sassy Franchise: According to team owner, Sassy Travels, key players on this team were selected purely on the basis of having a double letter in their names. Players were ranked higher if they had a "double s" like Sassy. [Sheesh] Considering the careful analysis that went into selecting this team, we'll be interested to see how it fares.

Starting QB - M. Hasselbeck. Key players - J.J. Arrington; Jerome Bettis; M. Bennett; Antwaan Randle El; Santana Moss. Defense - Patriots.

The Flying Fish: One of several teams owned by the elusive Cap'n, this one promises to delight fans across the country. I'll take some hot sauce with mine!

Starting QB - Drew Brees. Key players - Warrick Dunn; Reggie Wayne; Jeremy Shockey. Defense - Redskins.

The Guppies: Catching Tom Brady at QB was a huge bonus for this fledgling expansion team. Asked how he managed to net the Boy Wonder, the Cap'n offered the following tidbit: "Sometimes you gotta know when to be chummy. Sometimes you gotta know when to chum." Um....ok. Whatever.

Starting QB - Tom Brady. Key players - Deuce McAllister; Nate Burleson. Defense - Lions.

The Maulers: Judging by the amount of time and money the Cap'n has poured into recruiting his selections, odds are this is the number one franchise in his fleet. When asked if he felt guilty for nabbing the Nabbster when he knew that Jo would certainly be upset [and by "upset" we mean "so-friggin'-pissed-off-that-mother-@#!$&%-stole-my-dude"], the Cap'n replied with a slight shrug, saying only, "Hey - I didn't tell her to use her first round pick to draft the Steelers defense." Well - this is true. It's true.

Starting QB - Donovan McNabb. Key players - Julius Jones; C. Portis; T. Holt. Defense - Bills.

The Spartans: The Cap'n claims this is his "sleeper" team. If by "sleeper" he means we'll fall asleep watching them....he might be onto something.

Starting QB - Marc Bulger. Key players - S. Jackson; Rudi Johnson; Chris Chambers. Defense - Dolphins.

Well, there you have it! Be sure to root for your favorite Lunatix team! And to the rest of the Fantasy Football Freaks out there - have a great season!


Short Snapper Sassy

P.S. Thanks to for offering such a neat, free, user-friendly fantasy football format. Even first timers like me can figure it out!

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