Saturday, September 10, 2005

Yo! Nizzle! Happy Birthday!

This is a shout out to our boy Nizzle! As most of our loyal readers know, Nizzle is now a freshman at Auburn University. Tomorrow is his 19th birthday and we miss him dearly, especially as I have no-one to wash my Jeep for me in exchange for homework assignments.... And the Cap'n hasn't got a dirt bike buddy anymore....

Nizzle may be a big boy at Auburn now but I still get calls with "Burning Questions":

[Insert "Brass Monkey" ringtone by Beastie Boys here....]

Sassy [puts down the brief she is editing and answers cell phone]: Yo Nizzle.

Nizzle: Yo.

Sassy: What's up? How's college life treating you? Any hot chicks at Auburn?

Nizzle: Loads. Hey - speaking of loads....which load should I wash my new pink Polo shirt in?

And it's just like old times again. Y'all know that Sassy is the source of sagacity when it comes to answering Nizzle's numerous Burning Questions such as "what to eat for dinner" and "who is William Wordsworth"? So it should come as no surprise that I am also the "go to" person for washing wisdom. I hear some of you snickering but I shall now prove to you that I know loads about laundry:

Sassy: Well, don't wash it with your whites.

Nizzle: Um. Ok. So wash it with my jeans?

Sassy: Dude! Do you want it to turn out with blue streaks? Or do ya feel lucky, punk? Do ya?! [Sassy channels Dirty Harry sometimes. Sorry.]

Nizzle: Well - geez. Alright, alright. But I only have a small load of dark stuff and it's two blue shirts and a pair of jeans and I've washed them all plenty of times before.

Sassy: [losing interest in the conversation and going back to editing the brief] Yeah that should be fine.

Nizzle: Wait! What's fine? Washing it with dark stuff or washing it with white stuff?

Sassy: Yep.

Now, loyal readers, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking Sassy should pay better attention. After all, it's not like Nizzle calls every day, right? But here's the thing. I know Nizzle, and I know that he will figure out this pink Polo problem all by himself if I let him talk it through.

Nizzle: I'm gonna use the Fluff 'n' Fold service. It's cheap enough and they do your laundry and fold it and everything.

Sassy: Dude. You should do your own laundry. You should try to learn at least one life lesson while your in college.

Nizzle: Well. I figure I did my laundry that one time so I'm good.

Sassy: Your girlfriend's gonna hate you.

Nizzle: Hey. I'm a man. My job is to hunt and bring home meat. That's it.

Sassy: Yeah - well that's great if you're dating some cave chick who doesn't bathe or shave her pits.

Nizzle [chuckling]: Yeah, I guess.

Sassy: And the problem with those cave chicks is that they'll dump you the minute they find a man with bigger meat than yours.....

[Laughter all round]

Sassy: But seriously. If you wash it with the whites in hot water, it might make your undies pink. If you wash it with the jeans, it might go blue. So - well - choose wisely.

Later that night, Nizzle called with more Burning Questions. The Cap'n fielded these as they involved fraternity issues and frankly, that's all Greek to me. I made hand signals to get the Cap'n's attention. "Ask him about the pink Polo!" I urged. The Cap'n obliged and got back to me with the following info:

The Cap'n: He washed it separately.

See? I told you he'd figure it out by himself!

Anyway, Nizzle... Happy birthday, dude! Sorry we can't be with you but don't worry - the Cap'n is preparing a sweet care package for you. There's at least two rolls of duct tape and a can of WD-40 in it. And, needless to say, I'm gonna add a used Q-Tip and a drill bit. You should be set! So, lots of luv coming at ya from the Puget Sound.

The Sassy Stew


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