The Burning Question

What should Nizzle eat for dinner?

Yep. That's the burning question. It is 9 o'clock and I am in the middle of trying to recover data I lost on the hard drive of my work computer. This is a very technical and painful task. I had to drop a bundle of cash for data recovery software, install it on one computer, burn it to a CD, and then execute the program on the affected lap top. The program is still running and I am keeping my fingers crossed. (If I can recover even half of the missing data, it will be worth every penny I spent on the software program.)

So here I am. Deep in thought and praying to the MicroSoft gods for a happy outcome. And my phone rings.

I know it's Nizzle because "Brass Monkey" by the Beastie Boys is the ring tone. I am surprised he is calling but realize that I have logged off my instant messaging account and shut down all peripheral programs to conduct my data mining project. Thus, Nizzle can't IM or email me. So he has resorted to that old fashioned communication device - the cell phone.

Sassy: Yello.

Nizzle: Yo. It's Nizzle.

Sassy: I know.

Nizzle: No. Nizzle. Ben's nephew?

Sassy: Yeah. I know.

Nizzle: It's me. Can you hear me? You must be in the triangle.

The "triangle" (a/k/a "Bermuda") is a spot in our house between the kitchen and the dining room where cell phone communication is pretty much impossible. Ben's phone actually gives up and drops calls if he inadvertently strays into the triangle during a conversation. My phone holds the call but I am usually forced to walk into a safer area while mimicking the dude from the Verizon commercials.

Sassy: Can you hear me now?

Nizzle: Yeah. Listen, I have a question for you.

Sassy: Shoot.

Nizzle: What should I eat for dinner?

Ah. It's always the same with Nizzle. If you help him out once, you can bet you will be helping him out twice. Like - I did his homework for him once. Then that turned into an almost weekly occurrence. I don't really mind. It's kind of fun writing high school essays. Although I was a little miffed when Nizzle's teacher gave me a B- for my "Anti-American Bureaucracy" piece. I figure that particular teacher must be a Democrat.

And then, of course, there are the never-ending modifications to Nizzle's various automobiles and motorbikes, most of which seem to take place in our garage, and require Ben's assistance. I don't think we will ever be able to completely remove the orange paint from the garage floor. Nor do I think we will ever be able to find that darned ratchet.

My point is, Nizzle posed the "what should I eat for dinner" question to me last night. And I suggested Burger King. And he got Burger King and ate it, sharing the ranch dressing with his cat. So I guess my dear pal now feels he can rely on my able assistance to provide menu ideas on subsequent nights. Like I said, if you help Nizzle once, you can bet you will be helping him twice.

Sassy: Burger King.

Nizzle: I had that last night, remember?

Sassy: Taco Bell.

Nizzle: I had that for lunch.

Sassy: Checkers.

Nizzle: We don't have one of those up here.

Sassy: Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Now Ben is looking at me funny. He probably thinks I am simply trying to name all the fast food joints in Broward County. He shakes his head and goes back to reading.

Nizzle: Really? You think I should do KFC?

Sassy: Yeah. Have a barbecue chicken sandwich.

Nizzle: I don't really like that stuff.

Sassy: Dude. Well, have a bag of Doritos then.

Ok, ok. I know that you are disappointed in me. You think that I should be offering healthier meal suggestions to this young man. Well, I'm sorry, but I happen to think a bag of Doritos is a pretty healthy meal, especially if you combine it with a beer. I mean, according to the bag from which I am currently feeding myself, you can get like 6% of your recommended daily allowance of phosphorous from just 11 chips! So there.

Nizzle: Nah. I can't do the Doritos.

Sassy: Dude. You are asking the wrong person what to eat for dinner!

Now Ben looks up again. He just figured out what the conversation is about. And I can tell he is thinking up some stuff to suggest, if only to get me to hang up the phone so he can go back to reading in peace.

Nizzle: [clearly getting upset] I thought you of all people would understand!

Sassy: Go to Subway and get a meatball sub.

Ben: Or a kielbasa!

This excited utterance from Ben reduces everyone to laughter. Now I've lost track.

Sassy: Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Nizzle: You said that one already.

Sassy: Oh. Well go to the mall and eat in the food court.

Nizzle: Ok, that's kinda weird because I was just thinking that. But...I don't wanna go sit by myself in the food court. Dude, I'm hungry!

Sassy: Well, I don't know what to tell you then.

Ben: Tell him to go to the 7-11.

You see? Ben doesn't have any healthy food advice either. We're made for each other.

Nizzle: Tell him I had a slurpee from 7-11 earlier.

It suddenly occurs to me that Ben and I aren't really good role models for Nizzle. At least not when it comes to his diet.

Sassy: Well. Um....Jeez, dude! I gotta get back to the computer.

Nizzle: Fine. Lots of help you are. Bye.

And just like that, he's gone.

I wander back into the triangle and check out the computer running the data recovery software. Still no files found. Ben goes back to reading. Now I'm kinda bored and I'm thinking that maybe I failed Nizzle. I should have had some better suggestions. I should have been ready for the call. I should start compiling a list of recipes and menu ideas in case he calls with the burning question again (and he will - especially as he is leaving for college soon).

Ben stands up and stretches and walks over to the phone. He places a call and, even though he has strayed away from the triangle, I can hear him.

Ben: Um, yes. I would like to place an order for pick up....Yep....I'd like one of those dipping pizza stick things you advertised....Yeah. Ok.....Thanks.

Dammit!! That's the answer! Pizza Hut! Why didn't I think of that!?

Anyway, loyal reader(s) - if you have any suggested answers to the Burning Question, please let Sassy know! Thanks!

EPILOGUE: This just in - Nizzle got a meatball sub from Subway.