Friday, February 11, 2005

Thank God For Spam Filters!

Oregon man accused of trying to set up mass suicide pact via e-mail

Ya'll know I love Spam. I really do: Spam and eggs, Spam on toast, Spam and beans. (By now some of you should be singing the Monty Python "Spam Spam Spam Spam" ditty).

Hmmm...gimme some more sodium nitrite! Posted by Hello

But every now and then, I get down on my knees and praise the Lord for Spam filters. Cuz seriously - if my email account hadn't blocked that guy's emails, I might have joined in and ended my Spam loving days. Not because I really believed in anything he had to say, just so I wouldn't have to read any more of his bullshite!!!

Well, ok, I didn't really get an email invitation to off myself from the dude. But reading that article made me realize (once again) that I am surrounded by idiots.

I mean, this proves the existence of at least two new sub-classifications of the Homo Stupidass species. First, you've got the idiot who is so effing lazy he can't even be bothered to mix up some Kool-Aid for his followers. Seriously - that's like a slap in the face to me. Dude, if you really want me to slit my wrists, at least offer me some grape-flavored sugar water or something! You really think I'm gonna blow my brains out on Valentine's Day without you even sending me some heart-shaped Sweet Tarts, or a cyanide-laced Whitman Sampler? C'mon! Throw me a fricking cross-bone here!

Then you've got the other retards who were actually going along with the suicide-by-email plan. I mean, I have read some pretty compelling pieces of email in my day and it has often been nothing short of a Herculean effort on my part to refrain from purchasing those penis enlargers and cheap prescription drugs. (Truth be told, the misspelling of some of the medications kinda worries me, but I digress.) I just can't imagine the following:

AOL Voice: You've got mail.

Sassy: Mail! Yay!

Sassy opens mail.

Sassy: What's this? An e-vite to Suicidal Singles!?! No way! I can't believe I'm so lucky! I better go ahead and RSVP right now: "Dear Mr. X, I am thrilled to have been invited to your mass suicide event. Dr. Kervorkian isn't returning my calls so, having nothing else planned for Valentine's Day, count me in!"

JEEZ-US! What's wrong with people? Damn - now I'm hungry.

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