Friday, February 18, 2005

This One's For The Ladies

Research Study Uncovers What Attracts Male Cockroaches

Why didn't they just ask me?

Seriously. Instead of wasting all that time and money on some scientific study, they could have just called me up and asked. I would have been happy to impart my knowledge, shed some light on the subject, if you will. (See? That right there is proof that I am a certified cockroach specialist...cockroaches hate it when you turn on lights.) I know all about attracting pests and I've got about 20 years' experience. Ladies - y'all know what I'm talking about....

Possibly one of my exes.... Posted by Hello

Yep, that's right: if it slinks around the house doing nothing productive, eats my leftovers without asking, and scares the living shit out of me when I turn on the lights...well, that definition fits many of the men I've met (and some cockroaches, too).

I am impressed with the scientists' findings, however. I mean, they were able to confirm pretty much everything I would have told them anyway. Like the fact that cockroaches are persistent and tenacious. You're damn right they are. I've had some of those creeps hanging around me that I thought would never go away. The article also points out that the ones you usually see walking around are immature. Yep. Two for two, you smarty pants scientists.

And they also state that the female's attractive quality was hidden and hard to find. I know this is definitely true. Believe you me...if I could have figured out what it was about me that attracted all those pests, I would've had it surgically removed a long time ago! Well, now they've apparently found it and plan to put it in roach motels. Fair enough, but I think I should warn them that some roaches like the whole motel concept. Or maybe that was just the married ones......

In any event, through my extensive research, I have found that the best way to stamp out a cockroach infestation is just that...stamp it out. It's the only way. And that method works especially well if you do it in front of other sends a message. Trust me, ladies, next time you see one of those bothersome bugs in your kitchen, hanging out with his buddies, nibbling on some cake crumbs, step on him. Hard. And repeatedly. In biker boots, if possible. And you'll see how fast his pals go running for cover.

Well, all I can say is that I hope from now on scientists will think about calling me before they invest tons of time and money into one of these ridiculous studies. I am an expert on loads of stuff, not just cockroaches. Seriously, just ask me anything you want about jackasses, snakes, and pondscum....

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