Tuesday, February 22, 2005

The Naked News

"Do you guys watch the Naked News?" our buddy asked.

"Yep," Ben replied, and I immediately realized that he had misunderstood Jim's question.

"Um, honey, I think he asked if we watch the Naked News, not the news naked."

Ben: "Ohhhhhh. Is that a TV show or something?" (That's my boy; he's innocent like that.)

Now Jim is animated. "Dude! The Naked News. You know, that program where the chicks take their clothes off while they report the news? Here - I'll show you!"

Ben and I look at each other apprehensively. Did Jim mean he was going to take his clothes off or......Oh, phew! He picked up the remote.

And sure enough, it was The Naked News.

Now, if you've never watched this show, let me tell you, it's highly entertaining. Especially if you watch it with men like Ben and Jim.

"Ewww!" Jim exclaims. "Why is her right nipple so puffy? That's gross."

"Check that one out," Ben interjects. "She looks like Hitler down there!"

And so on. I simply laugh, stare, and laugh some more. The funniest part is that the women sound intelligent enough and, I think, they are reporting legitimate news - it's hard to say because you get a little distracted by all the...well, nakedness. What's also interesting is that they don't do like a strip tease, they just undress. Like they're getting ready to try on a bathing suit at the mall or something.

Anyway, I thought, in honor of that groundbreaking newscast, I would do my own version of the Naked News today. Click here.


Ok, but seriously now, I want to discuss the seemingly neverending nudity in the news lately. I mean, what in the sam hill is going on around here!

First you've got the Frosty Flasher. This guy apparently likes to whip out his willy on the highways in below-zero temperatures. Whatever, dude. Can I just give you one piece of advice, though? It doesn't look any bigger at those temperatures. I'm just saying....

And then there's the story about the "clothing optional" restaurant in New York. Who came up with the stupid term "clothing optional" anyway? Listen, white people, we all know what you mean when you say that. You mean "bare ass naked". JEEZ-us!

Anyway, according to one of the denuded diners, he was happy that people weren't looking around and staring. Gee - I wonder why? Could it possibly be that you were all so fricking old, fat, and wrinkly, you couldn't "bare" to look at one another?!?

I personally think there's something fishy going on at that restaurant.

"What is that smell?!" Posted by Hello

I mean, is the food so bad they have to offer naked night in hopes that the nude noshers won't notice what they're nibbling? Like when the bowling alley does laser light league night and serves us all the stale nachos and hot dogs? Think about it.

Then you've got the guy who steals the cop car...naked. And then, to add insult to injury, he wrecks it...in front of the cops. Oy. And let's not forget the stitchless swimmer, who crossed Biscayne Bay in the buff because, he claimed, he had a date with tennis vamp, Anna Kournikova.

Yep. Clothing optional Caucasians have gotten out of control.

My favorite is the attorney from the Keys, who recently brought his new career to a grinding halt by drunkenly streaking across the parking lot and, sadly, getting into the wrong car. Is anyone thinking about "Frank the Tank" right about now? I am.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Is this your car?" Posted by Hello

Well, all I have to say is this: I don't have a problem with nakedness. I have a problem with ugliness. Y'all know what I'm saying. You never see some hot chick on the beach in a thong. It's always some old hairy fat guy in a silver Speedo.

And that's today's Naked News. Yep cabbage.

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