Thursday, March 30, 2006

Sassy Travels ....

[by now y'all should know the rest] ... And The Cap'n too!

Yep, we're taking off again, this time to visit our peeps up north! We'll try to keep you posted but in case we don't get around to updating the blog for the next week, here's some homework to tide you over:
How many copies of the Three EP's by the Beta Band did John Cusack say he was gonna sell? Sub-question: Which song did he play to encourage sales? [Customer: It's good. John: I know.]
(By the way, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, you have no life, so your assignment is to go get one).

Catch you on the flip side!


Tags: ; ; ;

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

AI5 Results: Sassy Is Stunned ....

Well, I guess I knew my 5 votes wouldn't be enough to keep El Tuck in the game this week but, America, COME ON! You can't be serious?! Ace "The Face" over Katharine McPhee?! Have y'all lost your friggin' minds!? I'm gonna let you slide this time but, listen up and listen up good: Y'all need to put down your crack pipes and actually pay attention next week! Some of these performers ( Kellie, Ace, Bucky) really suck! And I mean, they suck BIG TIME! Can we please start getting rid of them already?! Sheesh.

I can't believe they're calling next week "country" week. That must have come as a shock to Kellie, who clearly thinks every week is "country" week. By the way, if she sings "These Boots Are Made For Walking", I'm gonna hurl. Then I'm gonna hurl the TV out the window. [Ed. Note: Sassy can't actually lift up the TV so ... that last comment is probably just the scotch talking.]

Anyway, El Tuck: You know you're my girl and I'm gonna miss you. The good news is that, unlike the afore-mentioned Ms. Pickler, you're young, beautiful, and talented. We haven't seen the last of you, I bet.

Slightly Sad Sassy

Tags: ; ; ;

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

AI5 Update: That Sucking Sound You Hear ....

... is the sound of tonight's contestants. What the hell?! That was the most dismal all-round performance yet! I mean, I can't even rank that crap ... Ok, I'll try to rank that crap - but just for you guys:
  1. Paris Bennett: I'm still riding the "Bennett Bandwagon" ... (and in more ways than one, if ya know what I mean - wink, wink). The only thing that bothered me about this performance, Paris, was your hair! Girl - you almost put an eye out with that swinging pony tail! Be careful! And next week, be better!!
  2. Mandisa: Way to get your God on, girl! Simon says: "self-indulgent"; Sassy says: "self-explanatory"! I think you totally deserve to use this stage to get your message across. Don't be afraid! Bring it!
  3. Katharine McPhee: (And this is really a tie with Mandisa) - Yep, K-Mac: You're just that damn good.
  4. George Clooney: I have to say - I've never heard that song before but I LOVED it! If you dye your hair, though, I'm never watching the show again.* For real.
  5. Chris Daughtry: Ok, look: Those peeps who actually read my drivel know that last week I said you reminded me of "a little band called Live (a Sassy fave)". I had NO idea that all this subsequent controversy happened with people saying you ripped them off or whatever. In fact, I had no idea Live did a version of "Walk The Line"!!! (And neither did Jazzy, who noted: Damn, neither of us knew Live sang a cover of that song?! That's hard to believe what with us being the Live fans we are!) So I say this to you Dawg-tree: You pulled it off and you should be proud. That being said, tonight's performance was lame. Sorry.
  6. [INSERT RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER'S NAME HERE] Seriously. The rest of the performances were so terrible that anyone else could get Sassy's Six Spot. To wit:
Garden Gnome: AWFUL. PERIOD. Lisa Tucker: Yer outta yer freakin' mind thinking you could pull off Miss Kelly Clarkson. JEEZ-US! (I still voted for you though; I know you can do better). Kellie Pickler: The Cap'n said he thought he was at a "Yee Haw" show. You suck. Big time. I can't wait 'til your dumb ass gets voted off. Bucky Covington: At the risk of repeating myself: Bye bye, Bucky.


Ace Young: You should be arrested. I'm not kidding. That cover of "Drops of Jupiter" was CRIMINAL. When you announced that was your song choice, the Cap'n looked at me in horror, knowing that's one of my all-time fave songs, knowing you were probably gonna blow it, and knowing I would go on a rampage as a result. (My rampage? I drank six straight shots of scotch and locked Playdough in the dryer.) Anyway, Ace (or as I prefer to call you, "Ass"), I'm beginning to think you're tone deaf. Oh, and I'm also beginning to think you're not so cute. I'm ready for you to go home now.

Well - let see what the Results Show brings!! I gotta go get the kitty; he should be nicely fluffed by now ....

Disappointed Sassy

* I'm also boycotting the show if they replace Paula Abdul with either Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson. I'd rather watch a drunk Paula than either of those two tarts!

Credits: Thanks to Crackhead Reporter, Jazzy, for the Chris Daughtry article!

Tags: ; ; ;

Sassy Is In Heaven!

If you don't have one of these, your life is meaningless and you should consider your departure options ....


Tags: ; ; ; ;

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Crackhead to Cops: "Test my pipe, please?"

Sassy can't make this shit up. Sassy can't stop laughing. [Seriously. I can't. I may need medical attention.]

So, this joker actually walked up to uniformed police officers and asked them to check his new crack pipe so he could be certain he received a real rock. [Apparently, he didn't trust his drug dealer...] Did I mention that the cops were in uniform? Oy. Only in Florida, eh?

Actually, the part of the story that really intrigued me was the fact that the officers in question were "investigating a burglary and trying to catch loose dogs" when Crackhead Genius approached them. Wait - "investigating a burglary and trying to catch loose dogs"??? Tell me more! I mean, how many dogs are we talking about? How did they get "loose"? Were the dogs wanted for questioning in connection with the burglary? Are they suspects? Or are they just "canines of interest"?

[Sam, The Dog, says that canine critters are not capable of criminal conduct. Yeah, sure. Whatever. Tell that to the Beanie Baby you completely de-stuffed yesterday, pal. We never did find its eyes ....]

Anyway, folks, I think we can safely say we have yet another candidate for this year's Sassy Travels Village Idiot Contest.

Sane Sassy

[Ed. Note: Click here to read a Village Idiot post from last year.]

Tags: ; ; ;

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

AI5 Results: Chicken Little Gets Bird Flu ....

So FINALLY Kevin Covais gets voted off. All we have to say is the following: We've been begging America to let you go home, K Dawg. Thank God someone's listening!

Oh and El Tuck - when you make your millions, remember who voted for ya, baby!

Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tags: ; ; ;

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

AI5 Update: It's A Sassy Spring!

So, it's spring now, yeah? Let's get right to it. How did Sassy rank them tonight on American Idol?:
  1. Paris Bennett: Ya know what? Sassy's got a new "FEVER"! I can already hear you singing the theme song to the next James Bond movie. Watch your back, Mandisa!
  2. Mandisa: Yes - we've said this before but it bears repeating: OMIGOD! PERIOD. Jazzy actually called me after the Man-Diva's show-opening performance and announced: "Seriously. There's no need to watch the rest of the show!" The Cap'n says: "Man, she's looking extremely HOT!" My dad (The Bishop a/k/a The Bish) is in town visiting and he says: "She's sooo sexy!" (Yeah - The Bish said that). This is getting outta hand. I can already see the spin-off reality game show: Battle of The Mandisa Minions (Season 1: The Boz v. The Bish v. The Cap'n). Each week, Mandisa will select one lucky Minion to massage her feet and/or clip her toe nails. Her tag line will be: "You're hired." Good luck, guys! May the best Minion win!
  3. Chris Daughtry: Dude! Where did that come from?! Sassy was certain that would be a bad song selection, but ... wow. I mean, I've always hated that song. Now I kinda like that song. You reminded Sassy of a little band called Live (a Sassy fave). You go, boy!
  4. Katharine McPhee: Well - you're still cute. So you've got that. I didn't care for your performance and The Bish said you messed up the lyrics. (He's old enough to know.)
  5. Garden Gnome: Hmmm ... I may soon have to stop calling you that. You're starting to clean up pretty good. My mom said you ruined one of her all time fave songs though, so beware.
  6. George Clooney: Ok, look, seriously: I suggest you never wear white shoes ever again. PERIOD. The only thing about your performance that sparked my interest was when you jumped across to the table - I was hoping you'd wipe out.
  7. Lisa Tucker: Sigh. El Tuck, you know you're my girl but, puh-leeze! What was that crap? I think being in the bottom three last week has you running scared. We need that confidence back! Sheesh. (I voted for you though, so don't worry).
  8. Kellie Pickler: I see you're sticking to that "dumb blonde" schtick. When one of the judges said, "That was a true Pickler performance", The Cap'n replied: "Well, yeah. Every crap I take is a true Cap'n performance too." We all fell on the floor laughing. The good news for you is (and don't tell Mandisa) The Bish loves you. By the way, are you gaining weight?
  9. Kevin Covais: Um ... Barry Manilow called you the "sweetest" ... I wouldn't drop the soap if I were you. Listen, you know you creep Sassy out so please explain what exactly were you doing with your hand in that pocket?? I said: "I hope he's not adjusting anything!" My mom replied: "He has nothing to adjust, dear." Point taken.
  10. Ace Young: Well - let me be the first to tell you: Your good looks do not cancel out your bad singing. Bottom three ... again.
  11. Bucky Covington: Ugh. Dude, I've cut you so many times you should have bled to death by now. And that performance proved my point. Bye bye, Bucky.

Well - that's all folks! See you tomorrow!

Sleepy Sassy

Tags: ; ; ;

Monday, March 20, 2006

Bobblehead Bride

So this is the Runaway Bride bobblehead doll given to the first 1,000 fans at a recent Gwinnett Gladiators hockey game in Georgia. Now I've seen it all. I'd just like to point out that whoever designed the doll got it all wrong:
  • Where are the googly eyes? (... which, by the way, I believe are brown, not blue);
  • Where are the boobs? (... and I refer not only to her breast implants, but also to that idiot boyfriend of hers);
  • And shouldn't her sweat shirt really read:
  • "I ♥ Attention"?
Well, it just goes to show that sometimes 15 minutes of fame can last way too long ....

[Ed. Note: For previous Sassy Travels posts on this topic, click here and here.]

Tags: ; ;

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

AI5 Results: Beware The Ides of March!

First of all: The American Idol Finalists Ford commercial was the worst thing I've seen since the Old Navy ad with the bear and the Asian chick in fur-lined boots. I'd forgotten how ridiculous this show gets once the Finalists are named. Not to worry. Results are in hand! And here's how Sassy reacted (basically in chronological order):

.... [Sassy's munching Funyuns]

Seacrest announces the bottom three:
Covais over Ace?!!?!! WHAT THE FUCK! That's it. I'm never watching this show ever again. How else is a girl supposed to get her soft core porn fix without Ace on Idol?!
.... [Sassy's sipping a vodka 'n' cola cocktail]

Seacrest says something else:
What???? Pickler is safe??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's official: America is on crack.
.... [mayhem and madness ensue during which Sassy claims she is invoking ancient voodoo high priestesses to protect Paris and Mandisa]

Seacrest is babbling some more and it turns out:
McGhee is in the bottom three. Finally! This is total payback for Ayla! Speaking of which, I have decided to manifest the return of that balling beauty to the show. Don't ask me how but, suffice it to say, you heard it here first: Ayla will be back!
Ok - Seacrest talking, Sassy tipsy. They show a modified "Big Buckin' Chicken" commercial. Giggle. Feeling pretty good about the fact that McGhee seems to be screwed when:
[Gulp] ...No. It can't be. .... [Rewind the DVR] ... He didn't just say ..... [Gulp again] ..... WHAT THE WRIT OF MANDAMUS IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING HOLY!!!!!?????????!!!!!!! Lisa Tucker is in the bottom three??!!! AARRRGGHHH!
Ok. Let's just say Sassy turned the TV off abruptly and retreated to the bedroom with her biggest bottle of scotch. And a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. On her way down the hall, she slurred:
Lemme know what happened, 'kay?
The Cap'n yells out from the living room: "Ace is safe!"

Oh thank goodness! Some boy candy left! Wait. That means Lisa isn't safe. Yep. Sassy's definitely gonna need more scotch. And a large pepperoni and black olive pizza.

Sassy stumbles out to the living room. Not sure why. Possibly to look for that extra bottle of scotch. She glances at the TV. Gets sucked back in and avers:
This stupid show sucks major ass. If Lisa Tucker gets voted off and McGhee is allowed to .... Well, I just don't know what to say .... Cuz I could just .....
.... [an encore of mayhem and madness ensue during which Sassy angrily announces - and by "angrily" we mean ... well, just picture awkward leaps and violent hand gestures, while she avoided spilling scotch on the sofa - Sassy angrily announces that, in the event Lisa Tucker gets voted off, she, Sassy, will (and we quote) "flip over white people's cars and set them on fire" .... Um. Ok. Get a grip, Sassy.]

And then:
McGhee is McGone!

Woo HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo PHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let the drinking begin! Well, ok ... let the drinking continue!
P.S. El Tuck: I voted all last night for you (well - for like 3 minutes straight) ! I will do better next time! And The Cap'n was sufficiently scared by this near disaster that he's gonna vote from now on too! Don't you worry, El Tuck: the BenJo Bubble has got your back!

Scared Straight To Tuckerville Sassy

Tags: ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

AI5 Update: Seacrest Shops At Salvation Army

Seriously. Is it just me or do all of Ryan Seacrest's outfits look like they were last worn by a sweaty, drunk, traveling salesman during a backroom poker game in Pittsburgh? Ugh. Anyway, without further ado, here's how Sassy ranked tonight's American Idol performances:
  1. Paris Bennett. Thank god, you're back! Keep it up. But, please, keep the post-performance a cappellas to a minimum; we've got other shit to do.
  2. So, I just went to the doctor. He says I have a McPheever. It's McPheeseably contagious.
  3. Lisa Tucker. Holy shit. And she's how old??? I'm just gonna go ahead and call my probation officer now ....
  4. George Clooney! You were OFF THE HOOK! [Ed. Note: We think Sassy means Taylor Hicks.]
  5. Mandisa. As we've said before, "OHMIGOD. PERIOD!" I knew you were my sistah when you took your heels off. Seacrest proved that The Boz isn't the only man who wants to kneel at your feet.
  6. Chris Daughtry. Not bad. Lose the microphone stand next time.
  7. Ace, you made me cry. However, you better learn to sing in key ... and with the quickness! (That's J-Jive for "soon!")
  8. Yamin. You goofy garden gnome! If I close my eyes (and when you're on stage, I have to) I love your voice! I expected more, though.
  9. I can't believe I'm gonna say this but ... Bucky Covington ... You really surprised us ....
  10. You may not go home this week but you won't last long, Kellie Pickler. I "blame it" on your singing. Oh, and the fact that yer just not that bright.
  11. Melissa McGhee. That totally sucked. Can we bring back Ayla Brown now?
  12. Kevin Covais. Look ... you singing the lyrics of "Part Time Lover" made me feel very weird (and by "weird", I mean "sick to my frickin' stomach"). That was just wrong. Go home - you're getting cocky and it's way, way, way past your bedtime.

Tags: ; ; ; ; ;

The Naked News: Nudist Gets Nylon Booty Melt

A nudist burst into flames on Sunday while attempting to repair a generator attached to a mobile home in a clothing-optional camp here in Florida. Ouch.

Today's paper reports that:
Kuschel, 43, happened to be wearing clothes -- a pair of nylon shorts, anyway -- when the generator he was working on backfired, sprayed him with starter fluid and set him ablaze.

"I would have been better off wearing nothing on at all," Kuschel said, because the fire "melded" the shorts to his backside.
Did we already say, "Ouch?"

The good news? Kuschel will recover from the second and third degree burns he suffered. The bad news? Well, the fire pretty much destroyed the mobile home which, by the way, Kuschel had just bought the day before. So now, Kuschel and his wife will have to continue living at the nudist camp in their tent. [Wait a sec - he pitches a tent at a nudist camp?? Isn't that some kind of a party foul? Um ... never mind ...]

Anyway, that's your Naked News for today. For previous editions of Sassy's Naked News, click here.

Silly Sassy

Tags: ; ; ;

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Yeah ... But Did You Ask The Fruitcake Lady?

Seriously, folks. If you're like Nizzle and full of burning questions, we at Sassy Travels suggest you ask the Fruitcake Lady!

Sassy-On-The-Floor [you'll get that one after you watch the clip]

[Credits: Thanks to Segue for the clip, yo!]

Tags: ; ;

Big Buckin' Update!

So, according to a comment posted by Derek on the BusyBee blog, there will be three more spots of the Big Buckin' Chicken commercials! Derek states:
I'm glad that people are enjoying the "Buckin Chicken" spot. I'm the singer in the commercial, and I had a blast recording it! Although I haven't seen it yet, let's hope it runs for a while!! I'm sorry to those who I might have offended, but it's a living....Stay tuned, there are three more coming (with a surprise guest from another fast food chain).
Kick ass! Let's just hope the feathered follow-ups are as good as the fowl forerunner!

Singin' Sassy

[P.S. A big shout out to fellow sistah blogger, Steph, over at BusyBee! If only we could get Derek to send us a buckin' preview!]

Tags: ; ; ; ;

Thursday, March 09, 2006

AI5 Update: Sassy's Too Sad To Post ....

Can't talk ... can't stop crying ... already missing Ayla ... going to bed with a bottle of gin .....

Tags: ; ; ;

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

AI5 Alert: Sassy's Top Six Women

Another fun night with the ladies! And I hated Seacrest's jacket. Here are my picks (and, now, in order of preference):
  2. Katharine McPhee: Holy shit!! Woman, you ROCKED our world!
  3. Lisa Tucker: Gurrrrl ... you have got it going ON!!! Next week, please sing Alicia Keys!!!!! (P.S. Thanks to your Jimi Hendrix performance, you are now The Cap'n's all-time favorite idol ever in history!)
  4. Ayla Brown: Nicely done! Nicely done! You're the consummate coach-able contestant!
  5. Kellie Pickler: Well .. you did have to follow the New Divine Miss M! So, all in all, not bad.
  6. Paris Bennett: Great look, great song. See you next week! But, puh-leeze, BRING IT! This competition is getting tough!
Kinnik Sky, I warned you ... you actually do have to be able to sing in this contest. Melissa McGhee - I finally felt like I saw the real you! You got my "heart" with that performance! But ... well ... you know ..... I'd rather see you stay than Pickler but I don't know if that's gonna happen. I think people still feel sorry for her. Anyway, McGhee, good luck!

P.S. Yo, Simon! Let us know how much hate mail you get after calling "chitlins", chicklets.

Tags: ; ; ;

"Big Buckin' Chicken" .....

By FAR the funniest commercial I have ever seen in my entire life!!!!! I saw it once, had the lyrics memorized instantly, and haven't been able to stop crying with laughter since .....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Hey - anyone else got munchies?)

Tags: ; ; ; ;

Fantasy Football Follow-Up

Well - the whole freakin' NFL collective bargaining agreement debacle got me to thinking: I can't wait for Fantasy Football Season! That being said, I realized I forgot to tell you guys who won the Lauderdale Lunatix League SuperBowl! Are you ready? Be ready!

Lauderdale Lunatix League World Champion 2005

JoJo's Jocks!!

Ha! Take that all you guys out there (i.e. The Cap'n) who thought you could beat a girl in a fantasy league! (Seriously, guys - women are wayyyy better at fantasizing than men ... cuz, well, you know, we have more practice.)

Anyway, in the championship game, the Jocks manhandled BenJo's Best with a score of 105 - 65. Yep! My boys beat out the "media goldenchild", as the Best team was labeled in early season reports. But, lest you think it was a fluke, let me tell you why my boys kicked so much Best booty:

  1. JoJo's Jocks had the Steelers defense = 31 points (and I think we all know where the Steelers wound up in the real world); BenJo's Best had the Colts D = sucked major ass;
  2. JoJo's Jocks had Shaun Alexander = 24 points (oh and ... um ... did someone say "League MVP"?); BenJo's Best had DeShaun Foster = who?
  3. JoJo's Jocks had Kerry Collins (Hey - JoJo is a Penn State grad and that dude got me some serious points in the final game! Oh and ... let's not forget who won the Orange Bowl! Go Nittanys! Woo hoo!); BenJo's Best had .... wait for it ... PEYTON "Choke Artist" MANNING! I think he scored like 4 points in the final game. Hahaahahahaaaaa! (P.S. I wish he'd retire already. One Manning in the league is enough visual torture for this football fan.)
So, congratulations to my wonderful Jocks! Here's to the next season! And if any of you out there think you can take Sassy on next year, say the word and we'll get you signed up to the Lunatix League. After all, at this rate, fantasy football might be all we have ....

(Oh - and a big shout out to Jazzy who told me to draft the Steelers defense in the first round. That shit worked! Drinks are on me when we get to Delaware!)

Sassy SuperBowl Stud

Click here to read more about all the Lunatix League teams.

Tags: ; ; ; ;

Beauty School Bandit Busted

I swear I don't know where these people come from! This genius (hereinafter "Doofus") followed the "advice" of another brainiac and decided it would be a good idea to hold up a beauty school. However, during the bungled burglary,
the would-be victims attacked [Doofus], pummeling him with curling irons, hair dryers, a table leg and their own fists. He had to be taken to the hospital and had 21 cuts stitched up.
[Ed. Note: As you can imagine, we must now pause so Sassy can wipe up the vodka cocktail she just snorted through her nose.]

But seriously ... aside from the fact that this guy obviously knows nothing about the wide variety of deadly weapons available in most beauty salons (according to The Cap'n, the nail polish stench alone could've killed him), Doofus should have known better than to interrupt women in the middle of perfecting weaves! Do you know how hard it is to get those damn extensions glued in? And if girlfriend chipped off a rhinestone on her fresh french manicure while clubbing him with the curling iron ... well, let's just say he's lucky he got away with his manhood intact.

To add insult to the multiple injuries, now Doofus has to spend the next 25 years listening to the barbs of his brethren behind bars:

"Yo Doofus - when those sistahs were kicking your ass, how did you avoid slipping on your own jerry curl juice?"

I pity the fool ....

Short-haired Sassy

Tags: ; ;

Friday, March 03, 2006

Sassy's Sorry ....

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Sassy went on an unannounced hiatus ... again. But y'all know how it goes: "Sassy travels and the Cap'n too!" We were down in the Keys for a few days (which got extended to a few more days cuz we were having such a friggin' blast on the boat.)

Anyway, Sassy's back now so y'all can relax. I'm catching up on my DVR (that's TiVo to those of you who don't have Comcast digital cable) and I am happy to say, I think America got it right vis-a-vis the Idol eliminations last night. I told y'all that crooning crap wasn't gonna get the Radford dude very far. I was sorry to see Sway walk away though. But, hey man, if yer gonna sing "Overjoyed" ya better bring it! Lesson learned.

As far as the girls go, I had cut the Cox chick last week and I knew Brenna wasn't necessarily going to last long - she ain't all that sassy, take it from Sassy.

Well, we look forward to next week and want to put the word out there: America, puh-leeze! Let Kevin Corvais go home! Seriously. He's missing his mom's cooking and there's a Dungeons and Dragons championship tournament coming up ... I'm pretty sure.

Sunburnt (and possibly Sea-Liced) Sassy

P.S. Sassy knows better than to speculate on whether Paula Abdul was drunk last night ... They say people who are stoned shouldn't throw glasses ... especially if there's good whisky in them. Wait ... I mean ... dammit, how does saying that go again?

Tags: ; ; ;

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

From Sassy's point of view right now! Kicking back on our boat in Key Biscayne!