AI5 Update: Seacrest Shops At Salvation Army

Seriously. Is it just me or do all of Ryan Seacrest's outfits look like they were last worn by a sweaty, drunk, traveling salesman during a backroom poker game in Pittsburgh? Ugh. Anyway, without further ado, here's how Sassy ranked tonight's American Idol performances:

1. Paris Bennett. Thank god, you're back! Keep it up. But, please, keep the post-performance a cappellas to a minimum; we've got other shit to do.
   
2. So, I just went to the doctor. He says I have a McPheever. It's McPheeseably contagious.
   
3. Lisa Tucker. Holy shit. And she's how old??? I'm just gonna go ahead and call my probation officer now ....
4. George Clooney! You were OFF THE HOOK! [Ed. Note: We think Sassy means Taylor Hicks.]
   
5. Mandisa. As we've said before, "OHMIGOD. PERIOD!" I knew you were my sistah when you took your heels off. Seacrest proved that The Boz isn't the only man who wants to kneel at your feet.
   
6. Chris Daughtry. Not bad. Lose the microphone stand next time.
7. Ace, you made me cry. However, you better learn to sing in key ... and with the quickness! (That's J-Jive for "soon!")
   
8. Yamin. You goofy garden gnome! If I close my eyes (and when you're on stage, I have to) I love your voice! I expected more, though.
9. I can't believe I'm gonna say this but ... Bucky Covington ... You really surprised us ....
10. You may not go home this week but you won't last long, Kellie Pickler. I "blame it" on your singing. Oh, and the fact that yer just not that bright.
    
11. Melissa McGhee. That totally sucked. Can we bring back Ayla Brown now?
12. Kevin Covais. Look ... you singing the lyrics of "Part Time Lover" made me feel very weird (and by "weird", I mean "sick to my frickin' stomach"). That was just wrong. Go home - you're getting cocky and it's way, way, way past your bedtime.

Tags: Sassy Travels; American Idol; entertainment; music; tv; idol