Sociopathologie: AI5 Update: It's A Sassy Spring!

So, it's spring now, yeah? Let's get right to it. How did Sassy rank them tonight on American Idol?:

Paris Bennett: Ya know what? Sassy's got a new "FEVER"! I can already hear you singing the theme song to the next James Bond movie. Watch your back, Mandisa!
Mandisa: Yes - we've said this before but it bears repeating: OMIGOD! PERIOD. Jazzy actually called me after the Man-Diva's show-opening performance and announced: "Seriously. There's no need to watch the rest of the show!" The Cap'n says: "Man, she's looking extremely HOT!" My dad (The Bishop a/k/a The Bish) is in town visiting and he says: "She's sooo sexy!" (Yeah - The Bish said that). This is getting outta hand. I can already see the spin-off reality game show: Battle of The Mandisa Minions (Season 1: The Boz v. The Bish v. The Cap'n). Each week, Mandisa will select one lucky Minion to massage her feet and/or clip her toe nails. Her tag line will be: "You're hired." Good luck, guys! May the best Minion win!
Chris Daughtry: Dude! Where did that come from?! Sassy was certain that would be a bad song selection, but ... wow. I mean, I've always hated that song. Now I kinda like that song. You reminded Sassy of a little band called Live (a Sassy fave). You go, boy!
Katharine McPhee: Well - you're still cute. So you've got that. I didn't care for your performance and The Bish said you messed up the lyrics. (He's old enough to know.)
Garden Gnome: Hmmm ... I may soon have to stop calling you that. You're starting to clean up pretty good. My mom said you ruined one of her all time fave songs though, so beware.
George Clooney: Ok, look, seriously: I suggest you never wear white shoes ever again. PERIOD. The only thing about your performance that sparked my interest was when you jumped across to the table - I was hoping you'd wipe out.
Lisa Tucker: Sigh. El Tuck, you know you're my girl but, puh-leeze! What was that crap? I think being in the bottom three last week has you running scared. We need that confidence back! Sheesh. (I voted for you though, so don't worry).
Kellie Pickler: I see you're sticking to that "dumb blonde" schtick. When one of the judges said, "That was a true Pickler performance", The Cap'n replied: "Well, yeah. Every crap I take is a true Cap'n performance too." We all fell on the floor laughing. The good news for you is (and don't tell Mandisa) The Bish loves you. By the way, are you gaining weight?
Kevin Covais: Um ... Barry Manilow called you the "sweetest" ... I wouldn't drop the soap if I were you. Listen, you know you creep Sassy out so please explain what exactly were you doing with your hand in that pocket?? I said: "I hope he's not adjusting anything!" My mom replied: "He has nothing to adjust, dear." Point taken.
Ace Young: Well - let me be the first to tell you: Your good looks do not cancel out your bad singing. Bottom three ... again.
Bucky Covington: Ugh. Dude, I've cut you so many times you should have bled to death by now. And that performance proved my point. Bye bye, Bucky.