Tuesday, March 28, 2006

AI5 Update: That Sucking Sound You Hear ....

... is the sound of tonight's contestants. What the hell?! That was the most dismal all-round performance yet! I mean, I can't even rank that crap ... Ok, I'll try to rank that crap - but just for you guys:
  1. Paris Bennett: I'm still riding the "Bennett Bandwagon" ... (and in more ways than one, if ya know what I mean - wink, wink). The only thing that bothered me about this performance, Paris, was your hair! Girl - you almost put an eye out with that swinging pony tail! Be careful! And next week, be better!!
  2. Mandisa: Way to get your God on, girl! Simon says: "self-indulgent"; Sassy says: "self-explanatory"! I think you totally deserve to use this stage to get your message across. Don't be afraid! Bring it!
  3. Katharine McPhee: (And this is really a tie with Mandisa) - Yep, K-Mac: You're just that damn good.
  4. George Clooney: I have to say - I've never heard that song before but I LOVED it! If you dye your hair, though, I'm never watching the show again.* For real.
  5. Chris Daughtry: Ok, look: Those peeps who actually read my drivel know that last week I said you reminded me of "a little band called Live (a Sassy fave)". I had NO idea that all this subsequent controversy happened with people saying you ripped them off or whatever. In fact, I had no idea Live did a version of "Walk The Line"!!! (And neither did Jazzy, who noted: Damn, neither of us knew Live sang a cover of that song?! That's hard to believe what with us being the Live fans we are!) So I say this to you Dawg-tree: You pulled it off and you should be proud. That being said, tonight's performance was lame. Sorry.
  6. [INSERT RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER'S NAME HERE] Seriously. The rest of the performances were so terrible that anyone else could get Sassy's Six Spot. To wit:
Garden Gnome: AWFUL. PERIOD. Lisa Tucker: Yer outta yer freakin' mind thinking you could pull off Miss Kelly Clarkson. JEEZ-US! (I still voted for you though; I know you can do better). Kellie Pickler: The Cap'n said he thought he was at a "Yee Haw" show. You suck. Big time. I can't wait 'til your dumb ass gets voted off. Bucky Covington: At the risk of repeating myself: Bye bye, Bucky.

And LAST AND LEAST:

Ace Young: You should be arrested. I'm not kidding. That cover of "Drops of Jupiter" was CRIMINAL. When you announced that was your song choice, the Cap'n looked at me in horror, knowing that's one of my all-time fave songs, knowing you were probably gonna blow it, and knowing I would go on a rampage as a result. (My rampage? I drank six straight shots of scotch and locked Playdough in the dryer.) Anyway, Ace (or as I prefer to call you, "Ass"), I'm beginning to think you're tone deaf. Oh, and I'm also beginning to think you're not so cute. I'm ready for you to go home now.

Well - let see what the Results Show brings!! I gotta go get the kitty; he should be nicely fluffed by now ....

Signed,
Disappointed Sassy


* I'm also boycotting the show if they replace Paula Abdul with either Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson. I'd rather watch a drunk Paula than either of those two tarts!

Credits: Thanks to Crackhead Reporter, Jazzy, for the Chris Daughtry article!


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4 comments:

The Boz said...

I'm with you. A very lame night. I think the judges just started saying people were good (Elliott) because they gave up. But there is a bright side: (1) Mandisa in jeans. (2) Sassy gets to use her claws. "I'd rather watch a drunk Paula than either of those two tarts!" Bwha ha ha ha!!!

Sassy said...

Mandisa in jeans is a sight to behold. I think the Cap'n made some comment involving the words: "Makes you" and "wanna" and "smack" and "that" and "ass". I'm not sure though; I mostly try to ignore him when Mandisa is on ..... Jealousy is a bitch.

JazzyJ said...

I am probably going to quit watching if Mandisa ever gets voted off. She is the only one I get excited about...and now that she got her Jesus going on, I am forever devoted.

P.S. Ryan S. should give your blog a shout it. But for it, I never would have watched this show. Look at what I have become. *sigh*

Sassy said...

Awwwwwww............... Jimmy The Finn is the BEST!