Wednesday, March 15, 2006

AI5 Results: Beware The Ides of March!

First of all: The American Idol Finalists Ford commercial was the worst thing I've seen since the Old Navy ad with the bear and the Asian chick in fur-lined boots. I'd forgotten how ridiculous this show gets once the Finalists are named. Not to worry. Results are in hand! And here's how Sassy reacted (basically in chronological order):

.... [Sassy's munching Funyuns]

Seacrest announces the bottom three:
Covais over Ace?!!?!! WHAT THE FUCK! That's it. I'm never watching this show ever again. How else is a girl supposed to get her soft core porn fix without Ace on Idol?!
.... [Sassy's sipping a vodka 'n' cola cocktail]

Seacrest says something else:
What???? Pickler is safe??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's official: America is on crack.
.... [mayhem and madness ensue during which Sassy claims she is invoking ancient voodoo high priestesses to protect Paris and Mandisa]

Seacrest is babbling some more and it turns out:
McGhee is in the bottom three. Finally! This is total payback for Ayla! Speaking of which, I have decided to manifest the return of that balling beauty to the show. Don't ask me how but, suffice it to say, you heard it here first: Ayla will be back!
Ok - Seacrest talking, Sassy tipsy. They show a modified "Big Buckin' Chicken" commercial. Giggle. Feeling pretty good about the fact that McGhee seems to be screwed when:
[Gulp] ...No. It can't be. .... [Rewind the DVR] ... He didn't just say ..... [Gulp again] ..... WHAT THE WRIT OF MANDAMUS IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING HOLY!!!!!?????????!!!!!!! Lisa Tucker is in the bottom three??!!! AARRRGGHHH!
Ok. Let's just say Sassy turned the TV off abruptly and retreated to the bedroom with her biggest bottle of scotch. And a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. On her way down the hall, she slurred:
Lemme know what happened, 'kay?
The Cap'n yells out from the living room: "Ace is safe!"

Oh thank goodness! Some boy candy left! Wait. That means Lisa isn't safe. Yep. Sassy's definitely gonna need more scotch. And a large pepperoni and black olive pizza.

Sassy stumbles out to the living room. Not sure why. Possibly to look for that extra bottle of scotch. She glances at the TV. Gets sucked back in and avers:
This stupid show sucks major ass. If Lisa Tucker gets voted off and McGhee is allowed to .... Well, I just don't know what to say .... Cuz I could just .....
.... [an encore of mayhem and madness ensue during which Sassy angrily announces - and by "angrily" we mean ... well, just picture awkward leaps and violent hand gestures, while she avoided spilling scotch on the sofa - Sassy angrily announces that, in the event Lisa Tucker gets voted off, she, Sassy, will (and we quote) "flip over white people's cars and set them on fire" .... Um. Ok. Get a grip, Sassy.]

And then:
McGhee is McGone!

Woo HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo PHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let the drinking begin! Well, ok ... let the drinking continue!
P.S. El Tuck: I voted all last night for you (well - for like 3 minutes straight) ! I will do better next time! And The Cap'n was sufficiently scared by this near disaster that he's gonna vote from now on too! Don't you worry, El Tuck: the BenJo Bubble has got your back!

Scared Straight To Tuckerville Sassy

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