Monday, January 23, 2006

Flintstone Flap: Brits Rock Russia

The Russian intelligence community is vehemently condemning British agents for allegedly hiding spy gadgetry inside a fake rock on a street in Moscow. The Brit boulder, pictured here, apparently featured a phony flap, underneath which the hidden high-tech device collected confidential Commie data from covert operatives.

When asked by our Sassy Senior Spy Correspondent how the recorder was revealed, one Russkie official replied,

"Pure luck. We were actually looking for the spare key to our Intelligence Headquarters."

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Sunday, January 22, 2006

Seattle's Reign Resumes!

The rain in Seattle stopped, and then Seattle's reign resumed.

Yep. Just as Sassy predicted, the Seahawks swooped all over the Panthers and secured their SuperBowl spot for the first time ever!


GO SEAHAWKS!

With the boys from the Pacific Northwest facing Cowher's coal country collective, this promises to be one of the best SuperBowls in history! Bring it on!

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One Headline Down, One To Go

Notice how close the Sassy Travels suggested headline (see poll on the right) was to the actual final score!

GO BLACK & GOLD!
CONGRATS JAZZY!

Now let's see how the 'Hawks do in the upcoming NFC battle! Go Seattle!

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Thursday, January 19, 2006

More Proof That Scientists Suck

According to a recent study, couples with TVs in their bedrooms cut their sex lives in half. ... And blah, blah, blah. What a crock!

Ya know, it took me a long time to draft this post because the rebuttal possibilities were endless. Ferinstance, how do we really know it's the TV's fault that these folks aren't f... um ... having coitus? Maybe they're just tired at bed time and actually want to sleep. [What a shocking concept.] Or, maybe they're just watching the wrong shows. I mean, I can see how Larry King would be a turn off. [Christian Bale on the other hand .... well, let's just say Batman Begins a lot of things ....] Then again, maybe the supposedly sex-starved study subjects are all in bed with this guy. Whatever the case, all I know is that these research results are ridiculous and I've gotta go. [The Cap'n says it's bedtime and Monster Garage is on.... I think y'all know what that means! Shoot - did I remember to shave my legs?]

Signed,
Suddenly Shavin' Sassy

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Sunday, January 15, 2006

Colts Cowhered!

In an awesome Steelers stunner, the Colts saw their SuperBowl dreams evaporate this afternoon. Big Ben struck the death knell and the Bus brought the Indy D to its knees. Go Steelers! [By the way, as we told Dixie last night, when the Steelers meet the Seahawks in the SuperBowl, Sassy will be cheering the Pac players on. Don't take it personally, Pitt fans!]

DISCUSSION TOPIC: Is this the first year in NFL history that two starting QB brothers got eliminated in the playoffs?


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Friday, January 13, 2006

A Sassy Fashion Review: Condom Couture

When asked why he chose those particular condom colors, Ramses, designer of the "safe sex dress" replied, "I wanted it to emit a feeling of fun."

Sassy Fashion Editor
: "Emit" you say? Strange choice of words, don't you think?

Ramses: [chuckling] I guess you're right. After all, the whole point of this dress is emission elimination.

SFE: You didn't use any pins, did you?



Ramses
: Hey, do you know what the hard part was?

SFE: We can only guess ....

[Ed. Note: We thought this interview would last longer. It didn't.]


Credits
: Photo sent in by the one and only Segue. She knows who she is (and how to pronounce that word).

Shahimi Seeks Snake-Kissing Record ...

... Unbeknownst to Shahimi, Sassy's snake-smooching stat is unbeatable. And no - you filthy-minded readers - the record isn't for how many snakes you've puckered up to; it's for how many times you've kissed the same poisonous snake. [Sassy waits patiently for her readers to get the joke ... Sensing it might be a long wait, she moves on ...] In all fairness to Shahimi, he'll only have 10 minutes to set the new record ... Sassy had 10 years .... [and then she moved on to kissing bigger and better things ...]

Monday, January 09, 2006

"Brokeback" Held Back

So this cineplex in Utah won't be showing "Brokeback Mountain", the movie about meandering men in love. When asked why the cowboy cupidrama was canceled, the theater owner replied, "My wives didn't like the ending."

P.S. Are we the only ones that call this movie "Homos On The Range"? Yeah? Oh. Ok then. We'll just be here ... drinking ... as usual.

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Thursday, January 05, 2006

BREAKING NEWS: Big Number Found!

After years of hard work, a team of Missouri mathematicians has discovered the world's largest prime number. [Thank god!] "We're super excited," said the team leader. "We've been looking for such a number for a long time." [Yep. And now they can focus on moving out of their mom's house and finding girlfriends ...]

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Wednesday, January 04, 2006

PENN STATE WINS ORANGE BOWL!

WOO HOO!!
GO LIONS!


By the way, if you didn't watch the game, you missed an epic battle! Triple overtime!!! Sassy actually ran out of scotch!

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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Penn State In Orange Bowl Tonight!

As some of y'all know, Sassy is a Penn State grad. Today, she proudly (and by proudly, we of course mean drunkenly) joins countless other Nittany Lions in the "White Out" and screams:

WE ARE PENN STATE!




Signed,
Sassy Stater (Class of '96)

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Rah, Rah, Ow!

According to a recent study, cheerleading injuries have more than doubled over the past decade. In related news, the International Pole Dancers Union is calling for stricter safety standards.

"Look, mom, no hands!"

[P.S. The Cap'n says that if any one of these cheerleaders gets injured, he is more than happy to nurse them back to health. What a nice guy, eh?]

Signed,
Safe Sassy

Credits: Pole dancer pic from Extreme Poledance. [Yes, that's a real website ... and it's hilarious!]

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Monday, January 02, 2006

So Many Cocks, So Little Time

Yes, loyal reader(s), according to the Chinese calendar, 2005 was the Year of the Rooster or Cock. [People, please. You should really work on getting your minds out of the gutter...] And what a cocked-up year it was. [God knows, Sassy was half-cocked for most of it.] So, as the year has come to a close, you're probably wondering: Where in the heck is the Sassy Year-End Review? Fear not, dear friend(s). Per our annual tradition [well, actually ... this is the first time we're doing it] we have scoured our site stats, sorted through your e-mails and phone messages, ranked all the Sassy Travels stories and, after many agonizing hours [and several bottles of tequila], we now deliver the following rooster-themed review for your ... um ... review:

The "Foghorn Leghorn" Award
Named after one of the funniest cocks out there, this award goes to the post that made y'all laugh the most. While many of you enjoyed reading about the boozed-up, bare-bottomed Scot, another true story really made you crow. Thanks to loyal reader, Boz, who linked to it on the Volokh Conspiracy website, our tale of Sassy's job interview got lots of giggles and rave reviews. [By the way, Boz: If I get, I say, if I get fired, I blame you.]


The "Chicken Little" Award
When he said the sky was falling, this little cock made a few enemies. As such, this award goes to the post that generated the most hate-mail in 2005. [Yep ... Sassy pisses some people off.] This year, while at least one of you disagreed with our opinion that you deserve to get fired if you drink shitty beer, it was our review of Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith that really ruffled your feathers. Having just sat through that movie again last week, I stand corrected: Sith didn't suck; it sucked big time. Seriously. There's more suspense and drama in Chicken Little and I knew going in that (spoiler alert) it was an apple! [... and thus begins another round of Sith-spawned hate-mail ...]


The "Kentucky Fried Chicken" Award
The Colonel may be gone, but the military was on your minds this year. [That was a totally lame tie-in but ... did I mention we had some tequila ...?] This award goes to your favorite Sassy soldier story. Apparently, y'all thought the story about the Russians who stole a tank to buy vodka was finger-lickin' good and, as far as Sassy is concerned, those dudes deserve medals. However, it was the bittersweet flavor of Barbie's farewell letter to Cody, the toy soldier kidnapped by Iraqi insurgents, that really made you smack your lips. We were going to do a follow-up when we later learned that Barbie had been mutilated but decided it would be in poor taste.


The "Chicken Run" Award
This dubious distinction goes to the Sassy Travels post that received the most hits throughout the year, factoring in first-time readers and referrals from search engines. This year, much to our shock and awe, Jennifer Wilbanks ran away [old habits die hard] with the hitlist honor. Apparently, y'all couldn't get enough of the fleet-footed fiancee. You liked our follow-up too. It figures. After all, there's one thing we've always known about you guys: Your literary taste is questionable. [Our attempts to contact J-Willy for her reaction to receiving this recognition were rebuffed. We're told she's recovering from butt implant surgery. Jazzy must be psychic.]

... and, finally, just because we'd hate to disappoint you by only talking about chickens ....

Two Other Cocks Worth Mentioning:

The "John Holmes" Award
This goes to the longest post. When we told you about the crappy treatment we received at a local boutique, most of you were outraged. Well, we recently learned from our undercover investigative reporter [we like to call her "La Femme Nikita"] that the store implemented its locked-door policy to "keep losers out." Interesting. When will they realize they've only succeeded in keeping the losers in ....?

The "Boogie Nights" Award
This prize goes to that pompous, pint-sized, peckerhead, Tom Cruise. We're pretty certain he used a stunt double to knock up Katie Holmes. I can't wait to blog the baby's birth ...

Well, folks, there you have it. Sam is looking forward to 2006 - it's the Year of the Dog, after all. So, keep on readin', cuz we'll keep on writin'.

Signed,
Sassy

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