Monday, January 02, 2006

So Many Cocks, So Little Time

Yes, loyal reader(s), according to the Chinese calendar, 2005 was the Year of the Rooster or Cock. [People, please. You should really work on getting your minds out of the gutter...] And what a cocked-up year it was. [God knows, Sassy was half-cocked for most of it.] So, as the year has come to a close, you're probably wondering: Where in the heck is the Sassy Year-End Review? Fear not, dear friend(s). Per our annual tradition [well, actually ... this is the first time we're doing it] we have scoured our site stats, sorted through your e-mails and phone messages, ranked all the Sassy Travels stories and, after many agonizing hours [and several bottles of tequila], we now deliver the following rooster-themed review for your ... um ... review:

The "Foghorn Leghorn" Award
Named after one of the funniest cocks out there, this award goes to the post that made y'all laugh the most. While many of you enjoyed reading about the boozed-up, bare-bottomed Scot, another true story really made you crow. Thanks to loyal reader, Boz, who linked to it on the Volokh Conspiracy website, our tale of Sassy's job interview got lots of giggles and rave reviews. [By the way, Boz: If I get, I say, if I get fired, I blame you.]


The "Chicken Little" Award
When he said the sky was falling, this little cock made a few enemies. As such, this award goes to the post that generated the most hate-mail in 2005. [Yep ... Sassy pisses some people off.] This year, while at least one of you disagreed with our opinion that you deserve to get fired if you drink shitty beer, it was our review of Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith that really ruffled your feathers. Having just sat through that movie again last week, I stand corrected: Sith didn't suck; it sucked big time. Seriously. There's more suspense and drama in Chicken Little and I knew going in that (spoiler alert) it was an apple! [... and thus begins another round of Sith-spawned hate-mail ...]


The "Kentucky Fried Chicken" Award
The Colonel may be gone, but the military was on your minds this year. [That was a totally lame tie-in but ... did I mention we had some tequila ...?] This award goes to your favorite Sassy soldier story. Apparently, y'all thought the story about the Russians who stole a tank to buy vodka was finger-lickin' good and, as far as Sassy is concerned, those dudes deserve medals. However, it was the bittersweet flavor of Barbie's farewell letter to Cody, the toy soldier kidnapped by Iraqi insurgents, that really made you smack your lips. We were going to do a follow-up when we later learned that Barbie had been mutilated but decided it would be in poor taste.


The "Chicken Run" Award
This dubious distinction goes to the Sassy Travels post that received the most hits throughout the year, factoring in first-time readers and referrals from search engines. This year, much to our shock and awe, Jennifer Wilbanks ran away [old habits die hard] with the hitlist honor. Apparently, y'all couldn't get enough of the fleet-footed fiancee. You liked our follow-up too. It figures. After all, there's one thing we've always known about you guys: Your literary taste is questionable. [Our attempts to contact J-Willy for her reaction to receiving this recognition were rebuffed. We're told she's recovering from butt implant surgery. Jazzy must be psychic.]

... and, finally, just because we'd hate to disappoint you by only talking about chickens ....

Two Other Cocks Worth Mentioning:

The "John Holmes" Award
This goes to the longest post. When we told you about the crappy treatment we received at a local boutique, most of you were outraged. Well, we recently learned from our undercover investigative reporter [we like to call her "La Femme Nikita"] that the store implemented its locked-door policy to "keep losers out." Interesting. When will they realize they've only succeeded in keeping the losers in ....?

The "Boogie Nights" Award
This prize goes to that pompous, pint-sized, peckerhead, Tom Cruise. We're pretty certain he used a stunt double to knock up Katie Holmes. I can't wait to blog the baby's birth ...

Well, folks, there you have it. Sam is looking forward to 2006 - it's the Year of the Dog, after all. So, keep on readin', cuz we'll keep on writin'.

Signed,
Sassy

Tags: ; ; ; ; ; ;

2 comments:

The Boz said...

Aw, shucks. I'm happy to do my bit to keep the dream alive.

Sassy said...

Thanks, Boz man. Where would us Angels be without you?