Sunday, May 22, 2005

Sith Sucks

'Star Wars' Earns Record-Breaking $158.5M

And I'm one of the idiots who helped that lame-ass movie break the record. I want a refund.

If you are a Star Wars fan, the following may offend you. Then again, if you really are a fan, you already know what I am about to say: The latest Star Wars movie is a complete dud. Do you know why? I'll tell you:

1. There's no suspense*. No drama. I mean, we already know the ending before the movie starts: Anakin becomes Darth Vader (gets awful sinusitis and suffers some hideous disfigurement that requires him to wear that ridiculous mask); Padme/Amidala has twins Luke and Leia; Obi Wan survives; Yoda survives; R2D2 survives; C3PO survives; others die. The end. If you saw the first Star Wars movie (which was actually Episode 4) - and who hasn't - you know all that stuff. Why did I pay EIGHT BUX (plus tax) for that news? Knowing the fate of the main characters makes it difficult to get invested in the story. When Anakin and Obi Wan are fighting "to the death"....um.....well...BORING! (Ben said the best part was actually seeing Darth Vader's face catch on fire. As usual, he's right.) Anyway, I want a refund.

2. No good one-liners. Long gone are the days of hunky Han Solo and his dry sense of humor. Shit - even Chewbacca delivered a couple good one-liners back in the day. I think the only attempt at a cute quip in this latest installation was Anakin noting that their spacecraft was "coming in too hot" for a safe landing (the craft was on fire). Ha. Ha. Ha. I nearly peed myself. Seriously. The dialogue in this movie was so lame, repetitious, and devoid of any humor, I thought I was listening to John Madden on Monday night football. Yep. I definitely want a refund.

3. The battle scenes are drawn out and boring. As I said before, when you know the outcome of a fight, you tend to lose interest and prefer to focus on something more suspenseful, like whether your fingers can reach that last Raisenette stuck way down in the bottom of the box. Oh and by the way - I am so over the light saber. I get it: it's neon-colored, retractable, and hums. Big deal. I have a toy in my nightstand like that and, trust me, it provides way more excitement!


Did I mention I want a refund?

Seriously though, I feel like George Lucas had about 35 minutes' worth of material which he managed to stretch out to 2 hours of my life that I won't be getting back.

The only good thing about the whole ordeal was that I got to snuggle up to Ben, who was trying to keep me warm in the fricking frigid cinema. That, and the fact that I learned there's a new movie coming out with Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson and Christopher Walken. The Wedding Crashers. Now that's entertainment! I can't wait! Woo hoo!

Signed,

Sith-To-My-Stomach Sassy

* Sassy's Suggestion for Sith Suspense: Darth Sidious kidnaps Padme and holds her hostage until Anakin agrees to cross over to the Dark Side. We never know what happens while she is in captivity, but she keeps having nightmares about giving birth prematurely, even though she is still pregnant. Later, we learn that Darth Sidious has aborted Padme's pregnancy and impregnated her with his own evil seed!

Seriously, wouldn't that make Darth Vader's famous line ("Luuuke...I'm your father") much more interesting if we found out at the very end of it all that Darth Vader was sadly misinformed all along?? I'm just saying.....

9 comments:

uscu2 said...

Dearest (wrong) Sassy,
As a loyal reader you know you have my ... crap this is redundant ... loyalty. I'm here every post, and every non-post when you just decide to go enjoy the fact that you don't live in Western PA. Lucky you.

I too donated my money to Mr. Lucas and in some small way Natalie Portman and Chewbacca. Well, actually my Father did. Who was the lucky 22 year old mooching off his Father this weekend? This kid.

This movie isn't about suspense. I agree that movies on the whole should be, that's where the excitement is. But think about the numerous other movies you see that have no real suspense. Any sports movie (who doesn't know the team is going to win the final game somehow, Jurassic Park ever read the book, Indiana Jones like Harrison Ford would ever die, any chick flick ever recorded (who didn't know how How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days would end?).

A lot of times we just fool ourselves into thinking we don't know how a movie will end. But the main character (Indiana Jones, Dinosaur Hunter with the big hat, or team that's featured) never dies or loses. So what's the big deal that we know Obi isn't going to die and Annakin will be burnt?

The draw to this movie is more along the lines of what the heck happens to Annakin to make him the fat ugly white dude at the end of Return of the Jedi? I got to see him get in the suit. Also how do all the Jedi die before the next movie? Is there a rapture? A bomb? Something along those lines? Now I know.

So the movie wasn't about suspense, everyone wanted the big questions answered. Like how does Luke end up where he did or Leia? Sweet stuff like that.

I will say though that your idea of Darth Sidious sowing some wild oats would have been sweet. But there is no real way to change the lines or add like a, "Sucker you're wrong!" from the emperor later on. Oh well. Just a thought.

Kick ass movie Sassy!

Sassy said...

Kiffer:

I totally agree with your comments regarding the total lack of suspense in chick flick movies and the other lame-o films you alluded to - hence, I avoid said movies. However, suspense/drama isn't just about not knowing the outcome, it's about build-up (a decent musical score often helps); it's about other little shocks to the sensory system (show me Anakin ruthlessly cutting down the younglings....don't cut away!); it's about decent acting and delivery of dialogue (the best actor by far in the whole movie was Yoda!).

As for answers to the big questions...we knew those answers by implication and deduction. I know it's just me but, I didn't get any satisfaction out of seeing Vader suit up or Luke getting adopted in the desert. I mean, all I learned was that Vader gets dressed just like I do when I am trying to shinny into tight jeans - laying down. In fact, if they had left that whole scene on the cutting room floor, I think it would have been more dramatic. Picture it: Anakin half-dead on the volcanic shore; cut to Darth Sidious finds him; cut to Sidious pacing nervously outside Darth Vader's walk-in closet; cut to Vader's dramatic entrance carrying a boom box blaring POM-POM-POM-POM-PA-POM-POM-PA-POM music. It would have rocked!

Anyway, I think having been inundated with Star Wars since I was ELEVEN freaking years old, has made me jaded....I'm just glad it's all over.

P.S. I totally appreciate your loyalty! :0)

JazzyJ said...

And to think I thought we were friends.

2005 has been a rough year for us Sassy. First, came the accusation that U2 "sold out" when they did the iPod commercial. (Never mind the fact that they did not get paid a dollar for it. Not one.) Followed by your declaration that you did not like Vertigo.

But, I was able to put that behind me. You see, our differences in opinion are what make our relationship exciting. (See, American vs. Brit, Liberal vs. Conservative, Linkin Park vs. Linkin Park blows, Eagles vs. Steelers)

So now, you come forth with this rather nasty "review" of ROS, and I have to ask myself, "Do I even know Sassy Springer?" I mean I thought that she was my compadre, my chica, my Danny Parker, if you will. But now I am beginning to question the underpinnings of our relationship. Sure, you know what, "Is that a cattle prod?" means. You would know what I meant if I said that the Leprechaun was an asshole...but you have failed to grasp the simple beauty of ROS.

Not that I would defend it as a breakthrough in cinematic art. Not that it is even Oscar-worthy (side note, go see Crash, it is excellent). But as someone who grew up with Star Wars, it was comforting to see it all wrapped up. I loved it! I saw it twice. I may go see it again this week!

Sassy, where did our love go?

Formerly yours,
Jazzy

Sassy said...

Jazzy:

Actually, our U2 and Star Wars rift is one and the same. You see, you (and possibly a few others of your generation) grew up with a different version of U2 and Star Wars than what us old-timers did. (And I am not just talking about the caliber of the music or the special effects). What I mean is, those of us over the age of..ahem...35 saw U2 and Star Wars at their very inception - at their genesis - and, as such, developed an appreciation for what they represented back then in their youth and innocence. Back when there was wonder in it all. You developed a taste for a ripe tomato, but I appreciated it more when it was green and I could fry it - if you will. There's nothing wrong with either version, it's just that I still prefer the green one.

P.S. These other movies also sucked:

Sideways (I wanted to poke myself in the eye to make sure I didn't slip into a coma)

Lost In Translation (I wanted to poke myself in the eye to make sure I didn't slip into a coma)

Don't worry - ROS is not alone in its failure to acknowledge that some viewers might actually have an imagination and don't need everything spelled out for them. There's a whole slew of lame-ass movies out there.

Always yours (even when we disagree),

Sassy

P.P.S. You don't have to get paid to "sell out" idealogically. You know that.

Rock Star said...

Ok, I must weigh in here.
It would be a worthwhile investment to pay the movie industry just so I wouldn't have to ever hear the words "Star Wars" again! Ugh!

U2 completely sold out for the IPod commercial and it makes it even more loser-ish that they didn't get paid for their sell out.

Vertigo is the worst ever U2 song. And me no hablo espanol muy bueno, but I can sure as hell count to 10 in Spanish!

Lost in Translation--one of the all-time best movies. Sassy, you should re-watch this and reconsider b/c knowing that you have a deep appreciation for thinking.

That's all.

Bernie said...

Ok I've got to comment. Let's all just take a breather here.

Of course Sith sucked...I could have told you that for free. The other 2 movies totally sucked.

Lost In Translation - you've got to give it up for Bill Murray, the man just has the best comic delivery...subtle I admit but very good.

Sideways - ok this one I could have lived my life without having seen...It wasn't "Showgirls" bad but it wasn't totally riveting...ok nothing is worse than "Showgirls"

uscu2 said...

Maybe Bono does know how to count to ten in Spanish, but albums 1,2,and 3 were produced by the same person who produced their 14th. A little deeper people. U2 is no Hillary Duff the lyrics have some meaning. So before Rock Suck goes mouthing off a little research is always good to back up your opinions.

In ya' face!

Sassy said...

I love this!

Ok - Bill Murray was good in "Lost In Translation" - I can admit that. But the movie, as a whole, bored me to tears. But that's probably because it was familiar territory for me and, therefore, utterly uninteresting.

More importantly, though, I'm so excited to see my loyal readers getting involved here! Woo hoo!

Sassy said...

In the famous words of Sandy Dennis, playing "Honey" in the 1966 version of "Who's Afraid of Virgina Woolfe?":

"Violence! Violence! Yay!"