Wednesday, May 25, 2005

It's Not Delivery; It's Da Jail Time

"Crazy Old Coot" Arrested For 911 Calls About Pizza Delivery

Now, this is priceless. An 86 year old Granny, allegedly described as a "crazy old coot" by a pizza parlor worker, called 911 about twenty times within a half hour to complain that the pizza parlor refused to deliver her pie. And then, when the cops came to arrest Granny for abusing the emergency call system, she (in all her 5 foot tall, 96 pound glory) "attacked" the male officer, scratching, kicking, and biting. Man - she wanted some pizza bad, eh? It must be wicked good pie...

Now, y'all know I don't condone violence (except in special circumstances, usually involving ex-husbands), but I do understand Granny's behavior in this instance. I mean, there have been times when I myself was tempted to call up the National Guard to go in search of my chinese food. And hey - at least Granny's calls were about a legitimate problem...unlike the 911 calls made by a certain "Runaway Bride"....By the way - that crazy bitch got indicted today and I hope she either gets jail time or has to pay hefty fines. After all, if she was having second thoughts about marrying the dude, there were plenty other ways to handle it.

For starters, she could have called me. I would have given her the old "Triple S" treatment ("Standard Sassy Suggestions") as follows:

1. So you think you may not want to get married on Saturday? No problem. Go get pissed drunk immediately. The hangover you'll have tomorrow will make marriage seem easy.

2. Now that he's a born-again Christian, you think he isn't the party-boy he used to be when you got engaged? No problem. Go get pissed drunk immediately. Maybe seeing you passed out diagonally across the bed will remind him of the good times you used to have together.

3. He says you can't have sex anymore until after the wedding? No problem. Go get pissed drunk immediately. And then after the wedding, tell him that you've decided that abstinence really isn't that bad after all. That's what I call the Win-Win Kicker: He can't fault you for following a discipline he himself encouraged and you don't have to sleep with this bait-and-switch loser who will probably prematurely ejaculate on your wedding night anyway..... [Oh my!.....I apologize for that.....I...uh....I don't know where that came from.....Let's move on....]

4. You're worried what people will think about you if you call off the wedding? No problem. Go get pissed drunk immediately...and then, just stay that way. I think you'll find that you no longer give a rat's ass what anyone thinks, let alone 600 people you hardly know but invited to your wedding. You may still have to return the gifts though. Then again, if you get drunk enough, you can tell people you don't remember them giving you a gift.....[Faked memory loss is a wonderful tool, under-utilized by most.]

Speaking of memory loss - I can't remember what the original point of this post was....For some reason, I'm thinking Julia Roberts....Oh, right, I was talking about Runaway Brides and Mystic Pizza.....[Did y'all see that coming? I sure as hell didn't....]

Anyway, I bet Granny gets her pizza fix now. After all, they probably deliver to the police station all the time....


Sausages 'n' Sweet Peppers Sassy


uscu2 said...


Read a bit of the feud you and Jess had regarding U2. I firmly believe U2 did not sell out. Here's a cool little interview from the Chicago Tribune with Bono about selling out, the direction of Rock, and U2 as of late. It's long so I don't expect you to read it all, but I found it enlightening. I'm going to paste a few statements from him reagarding the iPod commercial. First the link. Sweet U2 Interview

Now for the few lines:

"These men have helped design the most beautiful object art in music culture since the electric guitar. That's the iPod. The job of art is to chase ugliness away. Everywhere we look we see ugly cars, ugly buildings . . . [he pauses, and looks out the window at the Chicago skyline]. . . . You're lucky here in Chicago on that front. But you see ugly objects in the workplace. Everywhere. And these people are making beautiful objects. Selling out is doing something you don't really want to do for money. That's what selling out is. We asked to be in the ad. We could see where rock music is, fighting for relevance next to hip-hop."

Last one:

"We looked at the iPod commercial as a rock video. We chose the director. We thought, how are we going to get our single off in the days when rock music is niche? When it's unlikely to get a three-minute punk-rock song on top of the radio? So we piggybacked this phenomenon to get ourselves to a new, younger audience, and we succeeded. And it's exciting. I'm proud of the commercial, I'm proud of the association. We have turned down enormous sums of money to put our songs in a commercial, where we felt, to your point, where it might change the way people appreciated the song. We were offered $23 million for just the music to "Where the Streets Have No Name." We thought we could do a lot of good with that money. Give it away. But if a show is a little off, and there's a hole, that's the one song we can guarantee that God will walk through the room as soon as we play it. So the idea that when we played it, people would go, "That's the 'such-and-such' commercial," we couldn't live with it. Had it been a cool thing, or didn't have a bad association, or it was a different song, we might've done it."

Just thought you'd enjoy food for thought. Good interview though.

Sassy said...

Bono's right. When I hear "Vertigo" I think, "That's the iPod commercial." So I guess he is admitting that song sucks, which is why they didn't mind giving it away for free.

Way to go, Bo No - you've proven my point.

JazzyJ said...

Yeah - what he said re: U2.

Now on to the Runaway Bride...why is her attorney "negotiating" whether or not she will repay the city for the cost of the search for her? Sounds to me like the woman needs some good will. The best way to do that is to step up and take some kind of responsibility for what she has done.

JazzyJ said...

Ok, you know what. Just leave Bono alone. U2 is/was on the forefront of the new wave of music technology...they should be applauded, not ridiculed.

Sassy said...

RE: Runaway Bride - You are right, Jazzy. She definitely needs some goodwill......If that bitch lived in my neighborhood and I had spent countless hours of my otherwise "free" time scouring fields and dumpsters looking for her narrow ass.....Well, let's just say - it's unconscionable what she did.