Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Hooray! Scientists Discover "Love Molecule"!

Look, y'all know what I think about all these so-called "scientific" studies, so why would I even dignify this latest one with a post? [um ... well ... it beats writing this brief I have to do ...] So, here goes:

Sassy Scoffs At Scientists ... Again

According to some random Italian researchers (their credibility and level of expertise are unknown), that goofy feeling you get when you first fall in love is triggered by the "Love Molecule" [And here I thought it was the booze...]. To arrive at this stunning conclusion, scientists looked at the Love Molecule [that's "molecule", people, not "muscle"] in the blood of 58 people, who had recently fallen madly in love, and the tests showed that ..........

Ok. You know what? Stop right there. These folks had just fallen "MADLY in love"??? What if the falling wasn't MAD? Could they still participate in the test? And by the way, what the hell kind of questionnaire did these test subjects fill out when they signed up for the study??? Did it go like this?:
QUESTION #2: As you are only eligible to participate in this research study if you have "recently fallen MADLY in love" please describe your current relationship. Remember, you must be MADLY in love. Is your relationship:

a) Like a pizza pie with all your favorite fixings;[hey - they're Italian, ok?]; or

b) Like a pizza pie with all your favorite fixings hand-delivered to your door; or

c) Like a pizza pie with all your favorite fixings hand-delivered to your door by a barefoot Luke Wilson wearing only a pair of ripped jeans, his body glistening ever so slightly, his hair tousled in that "just-hopped-out-of-Sassy's-bed" kinda way, with a ... ... ..
.... I'm sorry ... Where was I?? Oh right. The study....

Seriously though. Who the hell has time to participate in some research project (and one involving multiple blood tests over the course of a year, no less) when they've just fallen MADLY in love?? Shouldn't they be too busy MADLY shagging? [Maybe that's just us.....]

Well, according to the study, Love Molecule levels plummet to pitiful proportions after you've been with the same lover for a year. Now, you see, that's how I know the research is wrong. Clearly, these 58 people weren't MADLY in love at all. [And by the way, couldn't they find more than 58 amorous Italians?] Look, I can tell you right now (no blood test required) when you're MADLY in love, it doesn't wear off. To wit, it's been over two years since I first laid eyes on the Cap'n, and I'm definitely still under the influence of whatever chemical it was that made me go gaga back then. [Shut up, you guys. You know who you are.]

So put that in your pipe and smoke it, you stupid scientists.

Look - do y'all want to hear about a real discovery? Try this: Today Sassy discovered that the Cap'n's belly button also produces blue lint. (We'd only been able to collect white and gray samples before). Now that's a discovery!

Alright - I gotta go. It's time to harvest some more lint. By the way, do y'all want white or blue cushions for Christmas?

Still-Coo-Coo Sassy

[Ed. Note: For previous editions of Sassy's Science Scoffs, click here.]

Credits: Photo of Sassy & the Cap'n by Pete - the Prince of Port Townsend. Copyright © 2005, Sassy Travels

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Tuesday, November 29, 2005


This morning, Reuters reported that, in yet another groundbreaking study, Irish researchers have reached the stunning conclusion that bigger butts require bigger needles for injections.

Did I mention the researchers were Irish ....?

Now don't start laughing yet! First, let's read more about the Duh-bliners' discovery, shall we? Ok. Well, apparently, after the Irish technicians tackled their task, they were surprised to see that (and we quote):
Standard-sized needles failed to reach the buttock muscle in 23 out of 25 women whose rears were examined after what was supposed to be an intramuscular injection of a drug.
Um ... it was "supposed to be" an injection ...?? Of a "drug" ...???

Ok, look. Far be it for us to resort to the use of stereotypes (especially about the blokes who invented Jameson whiskey) but, it kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it? Like - these Irish scientists, ferinstance. Don't you think that maybe rather than researching the needle ranges of rotund rears, these guys were possibly up to something else?

- We'll tell them to drop their pants!
- Brilliant!

Well - I gotta go. Ben says it's time for my shot.


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Blame It On Rio: Brazilian Booty Cards Banned

Do y'all remember when Sassy told you about the Three Signs of The Apocalypse? Yeah? Well, add a friggin' fourth.

According to the Associated Press, Rio de Janeiro has banned the sale of those postcards of hot chicks in thongs because they don't like the message being sent to foreigners. [Yes, you read that right.]

Apparently, Rio politicos want the tourist trap ... er ... I mean ... tourist hot-spot ... to be known for more than sex and sodomy. (They build planes too.)

Well, I can see their point. I mean, after all, if it weren't for those misleading missives with bare-bottomed beauties in bikinis, I would've have considered Rio a retreat for the religious right. Think about it - Rio's fave festival started out as a religious holiday and their best-selling postcard is a pic of Christ The Redeemer.

'Course, he also wore thongs...

Oh well. Fans of female exploitation need not be alarmed. I'm told the highly-popular and hotly-contested "Miss Sao Paulo Penitentiary" beauty pageant [and no, I can't make that shit up] will continue as planned. Bring on those hot hoosegow hunnies!

Samba Sassy

[Important Note From Editors: Dear Readers - Please be advised that there were many discussions (and by "discussions", we mean "heated arguments") here at Sassy Travels between the Administration and our head writer about whether it was appropriate to include a picture of Christ The Redeemer in a post with sexual overtones and a shot of scantily clad women. As you can see, Sassy ultimately prevailed and the Administration was forced to accept her submission. Per usual, Sassy's arguments about free expression, full disclosure, and the well-known doctrine of "Separation of Church and Sassy" were both compelling and long-winded. Sassy claimed the inclusion of the butt-shot was integral to her readers' understanding of the topic and tone of her dissertation. Nonetheless, we would be remiss if we did not remind our readers that the opinions set forth herein are not necessarily those of the Administration and are not intended to offend (unless you were offended, in which case, she meant it). Please accept our apologies. We just can't seem to control her.]

Tags: Sassy Travels; Brazil; Rio De Janeiro; Rio; postcards; news; travel; tourism

Friday, November 25, 2005

Scientific Study Sends Women To Bed

So - let me get this straight ... These French women have spent two months on their backs with their legs up ... all in the name of research ... ? Uh huh, uh huh ... And I wasn't called up to serve, because why?

Sleepy Sassy

Thursday, November 24, 2005

To All My American Friends: Happy Turkey Day!

Hope y'all are enjoying a wonderful day of football, food, friends, and family.

Of course, if you really wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving, and honor the natives who were kind enough not to scalp your forefathers at that dinner all those centuries ago, you'd ask yourself, "WWJD"?

Yes, that's right: "What Would Jazzy Do?"

Why, she'd head to a casino, of course! After all, is there any better way to pay tribute [and I use that word in the Roman sense] to the original tenants of this territory? Heck, you wouldn't even need to bring a gift! Trust me, your presence would be gift enough. ... [Ahhh, yes .... cash revenue - the gift that keeps on giving.]

Silly Sassy


Wednesday, November 23, 2005

BREAKING NEWS: Owens Ouster OK'ed

LIVE! (1:35 p.m.): Dave Spadaro, of the Eagles website and live radio show, just reported that the arbitrator has ruled against T.O. and the four-game suspension will be upheld. Stay tuned for further updates!

UPDATE! (1:52 p.m.): In addition to approving the suspension, Richard Bloch, the arbitrator, added that the Eagles have the right to deactivate Owens for the rest of the season!

UPDATE! (2:26 p.m.): In related news, Drew Rosenhaus is said to be seeking a Presidential pardon before Thanksgiving. When reached for comment, Marshmallow, a recent recipient of the very salvation sought by the sports agent, offered the following:

"Gobble, gobble, asshole. Gobble, gobble."

For more on this and other developing stories, stay tuned to the Sassy Sports Station! [Ok - it's not so much a "sports station" as it is a "sports" sofa ... next to my "sports" liquor cabinet ... but y'all get the point].

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Donovan's Done

So, it's official. No more D-Nice at the helm. Apparently, McNabb's sports hernia will require surgery sooner rather than later. Of course, we all know that it's really John Madden's fault. Friggin' sausage fingers.

All I can say is that this season started out badly and just got progressively worse. Seriously. As if it isn't bad enough that our marquis wide-receiver got himself fired, our injured reserve list would make a decent starting line-up!! [Well ... if they weren't ... you know ... all injured 'n' shit].

Whatever. It's all good. I'm a true Eagles fan and, therefore, I'm used to this crap. After all, as Miss Lala and I always say, we've survived Buddy Ryan (never won a playoff game as Eagles coach), Rich Kotite (won one playoff game but went 7-9 in his final season), and Ray Rhodes (it took a 3-13 record to finally get his ass fired). So, bring on the adversity! We can take it!

THIS JUST IN: According to Newsday, the arbitrator will reduce T.O.'s suspension and the Eagles will probably release the receiver into the waiver pool, where he will be available to the teams with the worst records .... [Um ... Does that mean the Eagles will be able to reclaim him off waivers? I'm confused ....]

Sportsbloggin' Sassy

Credits: Stats courtesy of Pro Football Reference.

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Bush Pardons Turkey

Marshmallow has been remanded to Disneyland where he will serve a life sentence.

Said the fowl fellow of his fame and fate, "I'd rather have had my head chopped off."

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Sassy's Back ... And She's No Longer Amish!

Go ahead, laugh. But how many of you out there can say you were trapped as an Amish housewife in South Florida for 21 days? Yeah ... that's what I thought ... not many of you. In fact, most of you probably aren't even eligible to join the first [and only] Southeastern Chapter of Recently Amish People Promoting Liquor Enjoyment (a/k/a SCRAPPLE). So, there.

Listen to me when I tell you that there was nothing funny about my situation these past three weeks. I had to learn to live without electricity, without cable, without drinking water (well, ok, that wasn't such a big deal ...). I was one of the many, one of the mouthy, one of the ....


Hey ... look ... If you are, in fact, interested in joining SCRAPPLE, we hold meetings on the third Wednesday of every month, starting at 4:30 a.m. at the Denny's on 17th Street Causeway. Truth is ... we could use a couple more members ... Oh ... and it's BYOB, 'kay?... Um ... We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming ....


........ and so what she was telling the Home Depot clerk was the truth! In any event, the real point is that, thanks to Hurricane Wilma, many women in South Florida were being held hostage in this lifestyle of restraint and sacrifice. Experts use the term Sassy Amish Housewife to describe these desperate women who were forced to do desperate deeds.

[Ok, look. The truth is - none of the writers know where the hell this post is going ... And, for that, we apologize. We're still celebrating the ability to make ice and watch HDTV so ... you know, talk amongst yourselves.]

Alright, without further ado, here are five easy ways to tell if a hurricane has turned you into a Sassy Amish Housewife.

You know you're a Sassy Amish Housewife when:
  1. In a staggering departure from the norm, you start waking up at 6:30 a.m. every day (this is because, in the absence of electricity, you're in bed by 8:30 each night);

  2. Because you're incredibly bored - after all, no electricity means no cable means no pay-per-view wrestling - you plant flower beds all over your yard, sand and refinish all the lawn furniture, build a birdfeeder, and repaint the outside of your house;

  3. A week after the hurricane, you stop shaving your legs to avoid the blood loss you suffered on previous occasions when you sliced the tops of all your goosebumps off in the cold shower. (No electricity means no hot water heater, remember?);

  4. During the "boil water" order, you learn to drink scotch neat. Without ice. And from a disposable plastic cup. (You can't run the dishwasher and godforbid you wash glasses by hand!);

  5. As you also refuse to do laundry by hand, your wardrobe mostly consists of granny panties and a pair of overalls you bought in the 80's.
If you can answer yes to even one of the above, you, my friend, are on your way to becoming a Sassy Amish Housewife. The good news is - Sassy has finally escaped her Amish life and is back to blog you to boredom once more! Did you miss us?

But seriously, thanks to all of you for your prayers, nice thoughts and good wishes! We're back, baby! We're back! Stayed tuned for regular updates!

Still-Drinkin'-It-Neat Sassy

[Ed. NOTE: The Administration insists we alert our readers to the fact that the photograph above is not, in fact, an authentic portrayal of an Amish housewife, inasmuch as Sassy refused to remove her Oakley sunglasses, MP3 player headphones, and orange golf visor prior to the shoot. Y'all know how she is. Anyway, if we caused any confusion, we apologize.]

[RANDOM ASIDE: Sheesh - all this because of a hurricane named after a Flintstones character....]