Sociopathologie: So That's What Happened To Me....

Thursday, October 20, 2005

So That's What Happened To Me....

Now y’all know I love reading about new scientific discoveries and advances in modern medicine. I really do. After all, I was the one who told you ladies how to rid yourselves of roaches. And I'm the one who challenged the theory that spineless animals feel no pain. So let me be the first to advise you of the latest news in medicine: husbands make wives sick.

Shocking, I know.

But seriously.... According to Japanese doctors, it's official. They even have a name for it: "RHS". [I think the docs say "RHS" stands for "Retired Husband Syndrome" but I prefer to consider the "R" flexible such that it could stand for other things like "Retarded" or "Rat-bastard". These are just examples.] Anyway, thanks to hanging around her husband, one desperate housewife

developed stomach ulcers, her speech began to slur and rashes broke out around her eyes. When doctors discovered polyps in her throat but could find no medical reason for her sudden burst of ailments, she was referred to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed stress-related RHS.

Jeez-us! I don't know about you all, but when I read that poor woman's symptoms, visions of Linda Blair in The Exorcist came to mind. For real! I mean, that lady's husband must be especially toxic!

Well, vile visions aside, I, for one, am thoroughly thrilled that doctors have finally admitted what I've been saying all along. Y'all have no idea how demoralizing it is to try to tell a team of emergency room physicians what triggered your projectile vomiting, blinding migraines, and uncontrollable urge to scream, only to have them accuse you of being paranoid and vindictive. Take that, you doubting docs! I'm not vindictive, just vindicated.

Anyway, this news is the first step to finding a cure for RHS. Maybe we can finally get federal funding to fight this epidemic. We'll have RHS rallies and we'll sell rubber bracelets and ribbon pins to show our solidarity (is burnt sienna already taken?). We'll march on Capitol Hill. We'll have telethons and marathons and drinkathons. Please, don't let this disease spread!