Saturday, October 22, 2005

Chicken Choking Condemned!

Well, we knew it would happen sooner or later. Animal rights activists have finally stepped forward to ban chicken choking across the land. Apparently, it was getting ... um ... out of hand.

Concerned about the message conveyed to children by the toy that flaps and squawks when strangled, opponents claim it will encourage kids to test their handy skills on real live animals and then have to face the wrath of an angry pet. Interesting theory, to be sure, but misguided and naive nonetheless. After all, half those kids are gonna choke their chickens with or without exposure to playtime poultry.

Besides, I didn't see anyone stepping up to prohibit My Little Pony sales. I mean, do you have any idea what a real live horse would do to you if you dressed it in a fake grass skirt, glued a bird to its butt, hung a guitar around its neck, and dipped it in purple dye? My friend, the ass-kicking you'd get would be heard around the world. [And then I'd blog it.]

Listen up, white people! If you're really worried about leading the little folk astray, shouldn't you really focus on banning toy soldiers, toy guns, and half the hoochie-mama dolls I see advertised when I'm trying to watch SpongeBob SquarePants? [Seriously, dude. Have y'all seen the Flava dolls?!? If not, I encourage you to read about them here.]

Anyway, before I go off on a total rant, let's pause, reflect, and remember what's really important: It's Saturday morning and my vodka cocktail ain't gonna drink itself. So, I leave you with the words of the "amused and mystified" toymaker, Gary Johnstone, who wondered what all the flap was about. After all, chicken choking is a harmless endeavor and, as Johnstone put it, something that "is used to relieve stress."

Amen, brother. If I had a chicken, I'd choke it right now... you know, just to prove a point.

Saucy Sassy

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