Monday, October 31, 2005

Survivor: Fort Lizzle (Day 8)

Dude, when I finally make it on to the CBS hit reality show Survivor, I'll be set. Thanks to Hurricane Wilma, I will arrive at the first day of shooting with the following items in my arsenal [heh heh ..."arsenal"... I just realized what a funny word that is ... sorry ... it's the vodka talking ... back to the show....]:

A Sassy Survivor's Checklist:

1. First of all, obviously, I would bring the aforementioned vodka (a big bottle). Seriously, can you picture how funny that show would be if people were allowed to get all boozed up? You'd have juicy soundbites such as the following between me and Bobby Jon:

Bobby Jon: Look. At tonight's tribal council, I think we should vote off Cindy.

Sassy: Who?

Bobby Jon: Cindy. She's lazy. Yesterday, while the rest of us were busting our asses gathering fire wood, do you know what she was doing?

Sassy: Who?

Bobby Jon: Cindy! Jeez-us! Pay attention, would ya?! Anyway, I'm just saying that girl is USELESS! We should totally vote her off.

Sassy: Who?

And so on .... I envision Bobby Jon getting really pissed off and quitting the show due to the loud partying and total lack of motivation caused by my addition to the camp. Yep. Vodka would make that show a lot more entertaining. Of course, when we fall into the fire, fatigue won't be the cause.

2. Assuming I could strap it to my back prior to jumping off the launch boat, I'd also bring a generator. Look, I know it would probably make me sink like a rock to the bottom of the ocean (and drowning is bad, I guess) but maybe I could convince some of the younger men in my tribe to help me with it. In exchange, I'd promise to let them watch football with me. Heck, maybe I'd let them have a couple shots of vodka too. Yep. A generator would make that whole ordeal completely do-able. Think about it: you could make coffee in the morning, blog in the afternoons, and watch Extras [the best damn show on TV, period]. I'd be the most popular chick on the island.

3. I'd also totally bring ice. I know, I know ... who needs ice when you've got vodka. But the truth is, I prefer my screwdrivers chilled. Also, and check this, it turns out that when ice melts, it turns into water! Who knew!?! See all the valuable shit you learn when you live through a hurricane?

4. My final item would be my cell phone. Seriously, I couldn't have made it through this week (and the weeks to come) without it. Not only are cell phones handy for logging onto the internet, I find the game Collapse! quite entertaining in the dark. Of course, the entertainment value of anything soars when you're half-cocked on vodka and ice after a full day of watching football. I'd also use my cell phone to take naughty "upskirt" shots of my fellow camp-mates and then post them on the web. Dude, I'd make a killing with that website! Winning the million dollars would just be gravy. [Ed. Note: If you don't know what an upskirt shot is, Google it at your own risk....]

Anyway, that's the list. If you have any suggested additions, feel free to let us know.

Seriously though, the point of this post is to let you know that we're still surviving here in Fort Lizzle, even though it's a week after Wilma and we still have no electricity and they just announced that the courthouse will be closed "indefinitely". The good news is, Brownie's, one of our fave bars, is open (by candlelight) and My Market still has beer. What else do Sassy storm survivors need?

Oh - and Sam is simply thrilled with it all. He thinks this is one big party, what with the Cap'n being home all day and the millions of sticks (a/k/a storm debris) laying around. Way to make the most of it, Sammy!

Well, time to head home and fire up the generator so we can make some more ice ... you know ... for the vodka ... and Monday Night Football! Go Steelers!

Signed,
Sassy Survivor


[This post courtesy of Brew Urban Cafe, located at 209 SW 2nd Ave, Fort Lauderdale! Thanks, John, for getting a kickass generator and WiFi service!]

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1 comment:

The Boz said...

"Extras" -- figures it'd be a effing HBO series! I got all excited for a minute there.

BTW -- nice to know you're getting something useful out of the ordeal.