Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Sassy's Back ... And She's No Longer Amish!

Go ahead, laugh. But how many of you out there can say you were trapped as an Amish housewife in South Florida for 21 days? Yeah ... that's what I thought ... not many of you. In fact, most of you probably aren't even eligible to join the first [and only] Southeastern Chapter of Recently Amish People Promoting Liquor Enjoyment (a/k/a SCRAPPLE). So, there.

Listen to me when I tell you that there was nothing funny about my situation these past three weeks. I had to learn to live without electricity, without cable, without drinking water (well, ok, that wasn't such a big deal ...). I was one of the many, one of the mouthy, one of the ....

[INSERT SOUND OF STATIC HERE]

Hey ... look ... If you are, in fact, interested in joining SCRAPPLE, we hold meetings on the third Wednesday of every month, starting at 4:30 a.m. at the Denny's on 17th Street Causeway. Truth is ... we could use a couple more members ... Oh ... and it's BYOB, 'kay?... Um ... We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming ....

[MORE STATIC]

........ and so what she was telling the Home Depot clerk was the truth! In any event, the real point is that, thanks to Hurricane Wilma, many women in South Florida were being held hostage in this lifestyle of restraint and sacrifice. Experts use the term Sassy Amish Housewife to describe these desperate women who were forced to do desperate deeds.

[Ok, look. The truth is - none of the writers know where the hell this post is going ... And, for that, we apologize. We're still celebrating the ability to make ice and watch HDTV so ... you know, talk amongst yourselves.]

Alright, without further ado, here are five easy ways to tell if a hurricane has turned you into a Sassy Amish Housewife.

You know you're a Sassy Amish Housewife when:
  1. In a staggering departure from the norm, you start waking up at 6:30 a.m. every day (this is because, in the absence of electricity, you're in bed by 8:30 each night);

  2. Because you're incredibly bored - after all, no electricity means no cable means no pay-per-view wrestling - you plant flower beds all over your yard, sand and refinish all the lawn furniture, build a birdfeeder, and repaint the outside of your house;

  3. A week after the hurricane, you stop shaving your legs to avoid the blood loss you suffered on previous occasions when you sliced the tops of all your goosebumps off in the cold shower. (No electricity means no hot water heater, remember?);

  4. During the "boil water" order, you learn to drink scotch neat. Without ice. And from a disposable plastic cup. (You can't run the dishwasher and godforbid you wash glasses by hand!);

  5. As you also refuse to do laundry by hand, your wardrobe mostly consists of granny panties and a pair of overalls you bought in the 80's.
If you can answer yes to even one of the above, you, my friend, are on your way to becoming a Sassy Amish Housewife. The good news is - Sassy has finally escaped her Amish life and is back to blog you to boredom once more! Did you miss us?

But seriously, thanks to all of you for your prayers, nice thoughts and good wishes! We're back, baby! We're back! Stayed tuned for regular updates!

Signed,
Still-Drinkin'-It-Neat Sassy

[Ed. NOTE: The Administration insists we alert our readers to the fact that the photograph above is not, in fact, an authentic portrayal of an Amish housewife, inasmuch as Sassy refused to remove her Oakley sunglasses, MP3 player headphones, and orange golf visor prior to the shoot. Y'all know how she is. Anyway, if we caused any confusion, we apologize.]

[RANDOM ASIDE: Sheesh - all this because of a hurricane named after a Flintstones character....]


Tags:

4 comments:

JazzyJ said...

THANK GOD YOU ARE BACK! I was beginning to worry that you had moved to back to Barbados.

We missed you, and your hands in that pictrue are HUGE!

Sassy said...

Yes - I borrowed the hands from the Seinfeld episode, "Man Hands". You will probably notice other parts of me that seem larger in the photo also ....

Hey - we're glad to be back too! Woo hoo! Let the drinking begin!!!

Cheers, J.

JazzyJ said...

Yeah, your chest is DEFINITELY larger than life in that pic too.

Man Hands! Hahahaha. Did you use your man hands to drop a giant ball of oil out the window in an attempt to solve the world's energy crisis?

Sassy said...

Um ... no. But I did make a HUMONGOUS mai tai!