Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Cozumel Cruise Confession

Ok – I know I haven’t been around much lately but, look... Sometimes I actually have to work in order to sustain my lifestyle. So sue me. Anyway, the point is, I've been working VERY hard.

And so, well, what I'm trying to say is that I won't be around for the next few days because...

Well, you see....we’re going on a cruise...

To Cozumel.

So…you amongst yourselves. And remember who loves ya baby!

Sassy Travels (and the Cap'n too!)

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Luke By Fluke

"Well, what I mean is, Wedding Crashers was OK but, know...I could have waited for it to come out on DVD."

Luke just looks intently at me. Head tilted to one side, he nods gently. He says nothing. And now I feel bad for dissing his brother's movie, so I quickly follow up with:

"I mean, Owen is funny in his...."

"He's funny in his own way," Luke says. [Oh yea. Now he's finishing my sentences. You see, we're tight like that, me and Luke.]

"Exactly!" I exclaim. "But you're wayyy funnier. I mean, Old School is like my fave movie of all time!"

"Well, thank you for that," the darling boy responds with a smile. He looks at me intently some more. And nods gently...some more.

"Oh. And you're wayyy better looking than Owen," I add. [Yeah....that is what I said. Jesus. Did I pick the wrong night to be sober or what?]

"And thank you for that too," he says, reaching out and taking my hand. [Was that when we kissed? Or was it before that? I can't remember.]

Oh - wait....y'all are lost, aren't ya? Lemme back up....

See, last night when I was hanging out with Luke Wilson [and by "hanging out" I am referring to my tongue], I happened to mention that I loved all of his movies and that I thought he was "totally more awesome" than Owen. [Yes, dear readers, I'm afraid those may have been my exact friggin' words. Whatever. I'm an idiot and don't know how to act when I finally meet one of the three actors I totally crush on. So sue me. Oh, and in case you're wondering, Val Kilmer and John Cusack are the other two quarterbacks on my Fantasy Team....Although in light of John's recent, ill-advised movie with Diane Lane, I might have to release him, or trade him to Jazzy for someone like Vince Vaughn....Nah, Jazzy's never trading Vince Vaughn, who am I kidding? Maybe I can give her full custody of Bono - I'm done with him anyway. Hmmmm. Who would she trade? I'll have to get my people to call her people before the trade deadline....] Oh, I'm sorry. I digress.

Well, anyhoo...The more coherent (and factually accurate) version of the foregoing is as follows:

I finally met Luke Wilson. He's in town filming the movie "Hoot". (By the way, if you haven't read the Carl Hiassen novel, I highly recommend it. It's ... pardon me ... a hoot). So Luke happened to be hanging out at one of our fave bars where we went to listen to a friend's band play last night. As those of you who know me can imagine, when I saw Luke leaning against the wall in the back, I was delighted to discover that dreams do come true: If you stalk them, they will come.

Anyway, the good news is that Luke is apparently used to retards such as myself coming up and gushing all over him. He graciously signed my "Yoo Hoo Chocolate Drink" t-shirt and gave me a sweet peck on the cheek. I've never been so happy that I showered before. [And, ohhhh yeah: I'm totally never washing that shirt, or my hand, or my cheek...EVER again.]

"Oh! So that's the movie that you guys have been filming around our neighborhood!" I chirped after Luke explained why my prayers had been answered. "I might be in it!" I add. [It's true. When the movie comes out, look for a black Jeep with a Spongebob doll dangling from the rearview mirror during the scene with the school bus. 'Course - I may end up on the cutting room floor....]. Speaking of ending up on the floor....back to me and Luke.

"That's possible," Luke says, nodding a little too emphatically at one of his assistants when asked if he would like a beer. I take the hint and say my goodbyes. After all, what more could a girl want: I mean - some hand holding [ok, maybe it was more like a couple of handshakes] and a kiss on the cheek - I think I got to like first base, right?

So I'm punching the speed dial on my phone as I walk away. Sure, it's almost 2 in the morning, but I'm waking up the Red Headed Freak:

Ring ring. Ring ring.

Groggy voice in Pittsburgh: "Hurro?"

Sassy: "Jazzy! I am wearing Luke Wilson's name on my shoulder!" [Yeah - I thought about having him autograph my "chest" (or lack thereof) but I didn't want to ruin my Yoo Hoo logo. I mean, I like the boy and all's like a vintage t-shirt for cripes' sake!]

Jazzy: "That's great, dear. Are you going to have sex with him?"

Sassy: [...brief pause as I ponder the logistics of that....] "Um. No. That would be wrong."

Whereupon, my dear friend cackles heartily, as if I said something funny. Well, I guess it was kinda funny....You have to know me to get the joke though.

Jazzy: "Ok then. I'm going back to bed."

Oh well.

Ben was a really good sport about the whole thing. Especially when I pointed out that Luke is considerably shorter than I fanta....I mean, thought. Upon receiving that info, the Cap'n straightened up, expressing his full manly height, and smiled down at me.

"Oh really?" he chuckled. "Short, you say?"

We laughed and went back to listening to our friends rock the bar. Later on, the Cap'n reminded me why reality rules and fantasies fizzle. A good time was had by all, I will say that...I will say that...

Starstruck Sassy

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Monday, August 15, 2005

Don't Mess With Texas [Grannys]!

So, picture this: It's a rainy day in Texas. Dude is driving down the highway, while leaving a voicemail message for his buddy.

Suddenly - BANG! Dude witnesses a car accident right in front of him.

His entire reaction to the accident was captured on his friend's voicemail. Southwestern Bell and a Texas TV station were kind enough to post it on the Internet for one and all.

Judging by Dude's description of the events as they unfold, I think it's fair to say, old ladies from Texas don't take any shit!

Ready for a laugh? Click here.

[Ed. Note: Thanks to SHUDS for this clip!]

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