Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Luke By Fluke

"Well, what I mean is, Wedding Crashers was OK but, well...you know...I could have waited for it to come out on DVD."

Luke just looks intently at me. Head tilted to one side, he nods gently. He says nothing. And now I feel bad for dissing his brother's movie, so I quickly follow up with:

"I mean, Owen is funny in his...."

"He's funny in his own way," Luke says. [Oh yea. Now he's finishing my sentences. You see, we're tight like that, me and Luke.]

"Exactly!" I exclaim. "But you're wayyy funnier. I mean, Old School is like my fave movie of all time!"

"Well, thank you for that," the darling boy responds with a smile. He looks at me intently some more. And nods gently...some more.

"Oh. And you're wayyy better looking than Owen," I add. [Yeah....that is what I said. Jesus. Did I pick the wrong night to be sober or what?]

"And thank you for that too," he says, reaching out and taking my hand. [Was that when we kissed? Or was it before that? I can't remember.]

Oh - wait....y'all are lost, aren't ya? Lemme back up....

See, last night when I was hanging out with Luke Wilson [and by "hanging out" I am referring to my tongue], I happened to mention that I loved all of his movies and that I thought he was "totally more awesome" than Owen. [Yes, dear readers, I'm afraid those may have been my exact friggin' words. Whatever. I'm an idiot and don't know how to act when I finally meet one of the three actors I totally crush on. So sue me. Oh, and in case you're wondering, Val Kilmer and John Cusack are the other two quarterbacks on my Fantasy Team....Although in light of John's recent, ill-advised movie with Diane Lane, I might have to release him, or trade him to Jazzy for someone like Vince Vaughn....Nah, Jazzy's never trading Vince Vaughn, who am I kidding? Maybe I can give her full custody of Bono - I'm done with him anyway. Hmmmm. Who would she trade? I'll have to get my people to call her people before the trade deadline....] Oh, I'm sorry. I digress.

Well, anyhoo...The more coherent (and factually accurate) version of the foregoing is as follows:

I finally met Luke Wilson. He's in town filming the movie "Hoot". (By the way, if you haven't read the Carl Hiassen novel, I highly recommend it. It's ... pardon me ... a hoot). So Luke happened to be hanging out at one of our fave bars where we went to listen to a friend's band play last night. As those of you who know me can imagine, when I saw Luke leaning against the wall in the back, I was delighted to discover that dreams do come true: If you stalk them, they will come.

Anyway, the good news is that Luke is apparently used to retards such as myself coming up and gushing all over him. He graciously signed my "Yoo Hoo Chocolate Drink" t-shirt and gave me a sweet peck on the cheek. I've never been so happy that I showered before. [And, ohhhh yeah: I'm totally never washing that shirt, or my hand, or my cheek...EVER again.]

"Oh! So that's the movie that you guys have been filming around our neighborhood!" I chirped after Luke explained why my prayers had been answered. "I might be in it!" I add. [It's true. When the movie comes out, look for a black Jeep with a Spongebob doll dangling from the rearview mirror during the scene with the school bus. 'Course - I may end up on the cutting room floor....]. Speaking of ending up on the floor....back to me and Luke.

"That's possible," Luke says, nodding a little too emphatically at one of his assistants when asked if he would like a beer. I take the hint and say my goodbyes. After all, what more could a girl want: I mean - some hand holding [ok, maybe it was more like a couple of handshakes] and a kiss on the cheek - I think I got to like first base, right?

So I'm punching the speed dial on my phone as I walk away. Sure, it's almost 2 in the morning, but I'm waking up the Red Headed Freak:

Ring ring. Ring ring.

Groggy voice in Pittsburgh: "Hurro?"

Sassy: "Jazzy! I am wearing Luke Wilson's name on my shoulder!" [Yeah - I thought about having him autograph my "chest" (or lack thereof) but I didn't want to ruin my Yoo Hoo logo. I mean, I like the boy and all but...damn...it's like a vintage t-shirt for cripes' sake!]

Jazzy: "That's great, dear. Are you going to have sex with him?"

Sassy: [...brief pause as I ponder the logistics of that....] "Um. No. That would be wrong."

Whereupon, my dear friend cackles heartily, as if I said something funny. Well, I guess it was kinda funny....You have to know me to get the joke though.

Jazzy: "Ok then. I'm going back to bed."

Oh well.

Ben was a really good sport about the whole thing. Especially when I pointed out that Luke is considerably shorter than I fanta....I mean, thought. Upon receiving that info, the Cap'n straightened up, expressing his full manly height, and smiled down at me.

"Oh really?" he chuckled. "Short, you say?"

We laughed and went back to listening to our friends rock the bar. Later on, the Cap'n reminded me why reality rules and fantasies fizzle. A good time was had by all, I will say that...I will say that...

Signed,
Starstruck Sassy


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12 comments:

Anonymous said...

John Cusack?! -- Boz (trying to figure out if there's a joke he's missing)

JazzyJ said...

Ok, a couple of things:

1) I thought I was more coherent than that. Happy to see the blog this morning though...when I woke this AM I had convinced myself that it was all a dream.

2) "Are you going to have sex with him?" is a COMPLETELY logical question under the circumstances. All of reality and logic is suspended when you meet one of the great loves of your life.

3) Boz-man: Cusack is NOT a joke. He is so dreamy.

4) Jo - re: trade - get back to me and we will talk sister. Recent mistakes notwithstanding, I still melt at the sight of John C., even if there are horses around.

Sassy said...

1. Jazzy - you were pretty coherent. I was the one babbling like a school girl, leaning against my car so I wouldn't collapse onto the sidewalk with tears of joy streaming down my face.

2. Boz - Yes. John Cusack. All I have to say is "long duster, boom box, Peter Gabriel"...Any red-blooded female knows what I am talking about.

3. Oh and Jazzy - it's true - your question was very logical. You know me well. I think the only reason I'm not in court answering sexual assault charges right now is because I am totally smitten with this Ben guy. Just my dumb luck, eh? I wait all this time, write all those letters, send all those naughty photos, and when I finally meet the guy - I'm in friggin' LOVE with someone else! It figures. Oh well... :o)

5. Anyway, when is the trade deadline?

JazzyJ said...

1. I am shocked that you did not collapse. Had this been me and Vince, you prob would have to scrape me off the floor, where I had melted into a quivering puddle of incoherent goo.

2. ****sigh****

3. Wow. That is true love.

4. Aug 31 two weeks from today. I await your proposal. (Reminder: Since the U2 show in Chicago, I am even more smitten with Bono than before.)

Sassy said...

Ok, here it is:

1. I'll give you full custody of Bono in exchange for full custody of Luke. Considering last night's events, it's only fair.

2. I'll trade a half share of John C. in exchange for full rights to Johnny Depp. You can keep Vince and Owen.

3. I'm gonna go ahead and call dibs on the entire Athlete band and will grant you partial interest in Coldplay. Oh - and I get to keep Ben Harper and Jack Johnson. But you can have N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys. And I'm willing to give you Keane if I can have The Killers.

4. Finally, and this may be a sticking point, I want Christian Bale. No sharing. I believe my standard fan mail package (you know, the undies and nude pics) reached him before yours and, as you are well aware, first in time is first in line.

That is my proposal. I await your response. Looking forward to the negotiations, as usual.

JazzyJ said...

Interesting proposal. I need to discuss this with my people, and will get back to you this afternoon.

Anonymous said...

OK. Now I don't feel so silly for having a little thing for Condi. --Boz

JazzyJ said...

*GASP*

Boz-man...she is a *republican*!

Anonymous said...

She could talk me into it. --Boz

JazzyJ said...

Boz - you are a closet conservative.

Sassy - My response to your proposal:

1. Done. Full rights to Bono in exchange for full rights to Luke is only fair. (And the angels in heaven did a little dance...)

2. This one is a little tougher...but I believe I can agree to this arragement. After all, I do get full custody of Vince. (And Owen, which isnt really a sacrifice for you...as even his brother knows by now.) Giving up Depp is a difficulty, but I was late in getting on that band wagon. Sooooo, done.

3. Somehow, I think I am getting hosed here. I mean...I am getting Nsync (again, no sacrifice for you). But, I dont even like the Backstreet Boys! (I have standards, even if they are low.) Giving you Athlete is fine....and I will take a partial interest in Coldplay...but in exchange for the partial interest in Coldplay taken by you, and in exchange for Keane which I will give to you, along with the Killers...I want...

4. Partial interest in Christian Bale. Cut a sister a break. I have given up Johnny Depp, and half an interest in Coldplay. Additionally, although your fan package may have arrived there first, I believe that I have been arrested more times for attempting to speak with Mr. Bale. (Can't the cops cut a sister a break?) Given my attempts at personal interaction, I believe that trumps your "first in time" rule, assuming, arguendo, I concede the point.

Finally, I believe that we can work out a mutually agreeable custody plan for Mr. Bale, similar to the plan formerly negotiated for shared custody of Bono. (i.e. every other weekend, and summer months spent with me.)

I await your response.

Jen said...

AHHHH!! so cool!!! now i definetly have to start drinking, look at what im missing out on! :)

Sassy said...

Jazzy - In response to your counteroffers:

Agreed. I accept all of the terms, including partial interest in Mr. Bale. I would like to point out, however, that I saw him first. And if I can become obsessed with a man playing a sociopath/psychopath homicidal maniac....well, let's hear it for the boy. (He also rocked my world in Ring of Fire).

Anyway, have your people draw up the papers and I will sign upon my return from Mexico (assuming they let me across the border with my "back pack").

Signed,
Smugglin' Sassy