Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Oh Goodie! Another Village Idiot!

Car Thief Accidentally Locks Himself In The Trunk

No comment. I'm too busy laughing.

Flesh Chunks Found In Iowa Water Lines

Dear Iowa water authorities:

May I suggest you read my post dealing with waterlogged weiners. It might just help you discover the source of those mysterious "flesh chunks". Just trying to be helpful.

Signed - Sassy Sleuth

Friday, April 22, 2005

Anyone Wanna Buy A Photocopy That Resembles My Ass?...Anyone?...

After all, it seems like you people will buy anything......

Bidder Buys Chicken Breast Resembling Pope For $232.50 On eBay

Ya know, I've said it before, and I'll say it again....Would someone please put an end to the eBay insanity?! For real though. As my loyal readers know, I have previously expressed my indignation on this topic. I alerted you to stories such as the dude who sold his middle name for $8,000 and the pregnant chick who auctioned off her belly as a billboard. And, of course, we had the sale of the stripper's old silicone implant. But this latest...I mean. I've heard of Church's Fried Chicken but, come on....Pollo Papa? Well, it's just going too far. And I'll tell you why....[As if sensing my impending rant, Sam, the dog, has left the room.....]:

Number 1 - All I see is a raw piece of chicken!

Is that paprika?

Personally, I prefer to season with a little lime juice and a dash of salt. To each his own, I guess.

Number 2 - Which pope?

The dead pope? The new pope? I mean, let's face it....all these popes look the same to me. Now, if the Nigerian dude had been elected pope....and if it was a piece of blackened chicken....(sorry)....maybe we'd be getting somewhere. Maybe.

Number 3 - Am I the only one worried about salmonella?

What do you do after you've paid $230 for a piece of poultry? You can't cook it. You can't eat it. Where do you store it? Would it be blasphemous to stick it in a Ziploc bag and shove it into the freezer along with the daiquiri mixers and Mrs. Stanley's leftover lasagna? And, if not, what do you write on the bag to identify it so Ben doesn't accidentally toss it on the Foreman Grill? "Don't Fry Me"? "Marinated With Mercy"? "Cook This And Burn"? I don't know....I see all kinds of logistical problems here.

You know, the whole thing has me a little worried about Catholics in general. I mean, are they having a collective crisis of faith? Seriously, I am beginning to sense desperation. Why else are they rooting 'round in their refrigerators for religion? Remember the Jesus fish-stick? And that famous grilled cheese sandwich? Of course, if you can't find god in your kitchen, you can always search in the slime under a bridge in Chicago.

Hang on! I do see the Virgin Mary! Oh wait, never mind....it's a painting.

Anyway, in light of the continued craziness on eBay, I have sorted through my belongings and intend to put several items up for sale. After all, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. As my loyal readers, y'all get first dibs. So here you go:

Sassy's Never Silent Auction

Item #1 - A dust bunny made out of Sam's fur.

Isn't it amazing?

This one was under the bed (along with a pair of my knickers and some used tissues.....Don't ask....Those items are not for sale). Back to the hunk o' hair. It's almost as big as the dog himself! Anyway, this item is a must for those of you desiring a hassle-free pet. You can stroke it and take it for walks. No need for a pooper scooper. Heck, it even smells like dog. There is no reserve on this item (i.e. - no bid's too low). Knock yourselves out.

Item #2 - A clump of Playdough's litter.

Sam has suggested I throw the cat in (for free). I cannot condone such conduct (but I understand his thinking). Anyway, this item is for the art lover. You must be able to appreciate the precision peeing involved in producing this puddle. And notice the beautiful clumping action of the litter. This isn't your cheap litter, folks. This is the good, scoopable, deodorized kind. Bidding starts at 50 cents.

Item #3 - This weird red thing growing in our front yard.

It is gross, attracts flies, and smells like rotting flesh.

Bids start at $150.

By the way, if any botanists read this, and can tell us how to kill the damned thing - it would be greatly appreciated! We keep digging it up, it keeps popping back up.....

Item #4 - This rubber lizard Ben insists on sticking on our microwave.

I am not sure why he likes it there. No matter where I move it to (and I move it every morning when I am heating up my Kahlua & coffee), Ben replaces it. So if you want to make me an offer, you can have it. No reserve.

Item #5 - An almost empty bottle of water.

I drank most of it but you can have the rest. I don't need it. After all, I'll be drinking scotch for the rest of the day.

The green rubber lizard in the foreground is yours for free if you're the winning bidder.

Speaking of leftover stuff....How 'bout.....

Item #6 - Sam's leftover breakfast.

Wait, wait, wait! We may be onto something here!!! Do you guys see what I see!?! Dude! It's TOTALLY Jimi Hendrix! Holy Haze! Dude - this item is really, really rare (and Ben's gonna be really pissed if I sell it). So the bidding will start at $5,000. (That'll give me enough for a new swim/spa which ought to calm Ben down....). If you're interested, it's Pedigree Chicken & Rice.

Well, there you go. Please submit your bids via email. I will announce the winners later. In the interim, I have to go see if I can get Sam to poop in the shape of Bob Dylan's face. Shouldn't be too hard......


Sassy Seller

Monday, April 18, 2005

And The Votes Are In.....

Wisconsin Voters Favor Cat Hunting Season

"Tee hee hee!"

Like I always say: Every dog has his day.

Me and the people of Wisconsin ("The Wise State") have two things in common: our love of cheese and our hatred of cheese-treat-stealing cats. Wisconsin ROCKS!!

Signed - Smug Sam

P.S. To Playdough (and Mr. Boots) - You better watch your backs. (You
can do that, right? I mean, you're cats and all....)

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Wisconsin Votes On Feline Death Penalty

"Please ... let me vote."

Dear Readers:

Some of you may not know me. I am Sam. A card-carrying canine and upstanding member of the Captain 'n' Sassy Household. Please forgive my intrusion but I have something to say:

In recent months - nay, recent years - I have had to withstand the demoralizing and discriminatory diatribe of one Playdough. I have said nothing. I have taken no retaliatory action. I have simply bided my time, knowing that one day I would find the right opportunity to respond.

For example, I said nothing of the 200 freeloading felines that had to be evicted from a hospital because they were actually stealing food from the poor patients. Nor did I feel the need to publish certain compromising photographs in response to Playdough's most recent post about dogs in an Easter parade. By way of illustration, I could have responded with this:

Yep. I'm terrified of Deputy Dingleberry.

[By the way, be assured that my "feline fashion victim" evidence is not limited. To the contrary, I have quite a comprehensive collection of pussy photos in my portfolio...but I'm saving them for later.]

But when I read that humans in Wisconsin would be voting tonight on whether they should legalize the shooting of stray cats....my heart soared. This news has renewed my faith in humanity. It is proof that no matter what crap cats concoct [and let me tell you, I am a cat crap connoiseur] humans are not fooled. Cats are creeps. All they do is take, take, take. They give nothing in return.

Readers, be advised: Playdough is a particularly persistent parasite and sometimes I wish a freak accident would befall him. I don't count very well, but I'm pretty certain he is running out of lives...especially if you take into consideration the time he peed on Sassy's briefcase...oh, and the time he peed on her suitcase. 'Course...there's also the time Playdough peed on the Captain's charts.... In fact, the more I think about it, the more I'm amazed that cat is alive today.

I have discussed my comments with my canine comrades and we all agree: the Cat Nation must be conquered and crushed once and for all. Those dandruff-dropping, hairball-hacking, pompous pussies need to be taught a lesson. Therefore, on behalf of the United Canine Coalition, I would ask that my vote count in this, the most important election of the decade. [Even I realize that the Presidential election was meaningless....]. To reach me, please contact Miss Sassy.


Simply Sam

P.S. Oh - my vote is "YES" to Cat Hunting Season! Let the games begin!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Master Of The Masters

Tiger Defeats DiMarco To Win Fourth Green Jacket

Finally, I'm proven right (again). I have often tried to convince people that a vacation in Barbados can cure anything, even a shaky golf swing. Well, for all you doubters out there - notice how my boy Tiger won The Masters yesterday. Notice how he is once again the Number 1-ranked golfer in the world. In case you miss my point, here's a hint: Where did Tiger and the lovely Mrs. Tiger recently celebrate their nuptials? Are my waves hitting your beach? [That's some J-Jive for you].

Well, I watched the whole final round of the Masters yesterday with bated breath (except for when I was screaming at the top of my lungs...which, by the way, I am convinced caused Tiger's chipshot on 16 to finally drop into the hole after its gravity-defying pause at the edge of the cup). I am a huge Tiger fan (unlike that meanie, Josh Grubbs, over at youvegottalovesports.com) so here's a big shout out to my boy:

Congrats Tiger! You look pretty good in green to me.


Always in the sand, Sassy

P.S. Josh - don't hate the player.....

And The Nominees Are.....

Residents of Story, Indiana give out an annual "Village Idiot" Award. This year's winner apparently cut through a live wire with a circular saw and, in a separate, but equally unfortunate incident, wrecked his brand new truck by "parking" it on top of a barrel. Somehow, he managed to beat out the other contestants, including two people who knocked themselves unconscious opening their car doors. Stiff competition, I say.

I am not sure if the winner gets to move on to the next round of the "Village Idiot" contest, but if there is another round - I have some suggested nominees:

Sassy's Village Idiot Nominee #1

Fish Fry Felon

My first nominee, a convicted murderer dubbed Albania's "Most Wanted" villain, somehow managed to avoid arrest and detention for years, eluding cops at every turn. Then he decided to blow up some fish. [Apparently, some fishermen prefer bombs over bait].

TNT & Trout: Totally Tragic

Anyway, villain dude misjudged the length of the fuse and....KABOOM! He lost boths hands and suffered severe burns elsewhere. Oh so sad and oh so stupid. [I'm told the sound of giggling fish could be heard miles away]. Needless to say, after all those years of successfully avoiding the hook, the frazzled felon/former fisherman now faces incarceration, having given away his whereabouts to the authorities when he checked himself into a hospital. I think he's a good VIP ("Village Idiot Prize") candidate, don't you?

Sassy's Village Idiot Nominee #2

Arrested Apprentice

Speaking of short fuses...."Apprentice" Chris Shelton was arrested on Saturday night for blowing his top at a Tampa casino. Oh brother. So let's see what we have here: You're semi-famous. You're on a hit show on national TV. You rub elbows with Donald Trump and his flunkies on a daily basis. You get arrested for causing a huge scene at a casino. [And yet, your name is not 'Jazzy'...interesting]. Seriously though - and let me get this straight - you were actually bitching and acting like an ass because you didn't want to pay a $20 cover charge?! Are you frigging kidding me? Like, are you trying to get fired? You, my friend, are definitely VIP material.

Sassy's Village Idiot Nominee #3

But listen - never mind those other nominees. Truth is, I think we have a winner:

The Brainiac Who Thought We Needed A Britney Spears Reality Show

If there were different divisions in the Village Idiot Prize tournament, this individual would be in a league of his own. Seriously. We possibly have the Number 1-ranked, Division I-A Village Idiot here. No BCS or March Madness playoffs needed. It's a no-brainer.

I mean, I know I've already barfed enough thanks to involuntary glimpses of the antics of Jessica Simpson and her husband [whateverhisnameis], which I've suffered through while trying to see if they actually still show music videos on MTV. Sadly, I still can't eat Chicken of the Sea tuna [and, apparently, MTV still doesn't show music videos]. And now, what with Anna Nicole and Farrah Fawcett and countless other brainless blondes on the boob tube [oh yeah - Pam Anderson has a new show too]....I'm about ready to heave our TV out the sliding glass door!

Ugh. It is clear to me that the dude who came up with this latest version of "reality TV" needs his head(s) examined. The good news is ESPN has started running NFL Draft Day coverage. So maybe I'll spare our TV....

Anyway, those are my nominees for VIP. If you have any you would like to add, feel free to post them here!


Sage Sassy

Thursday, April 07, 2005

More eBay Madness

Man Sells Middle Name For $8,000 On eBay

Seriously. Is there no end to this lunacy?

A company paid Matthew Jean Rouse eight grand for the right to give him a new middle name! The winner bidders haven't said what the new name will be, but I'm thinking something along the lines of: Matthew "Is A Frigging Genius" Rouse.

I really can't say anymore about this. You guys know why: I have nothing further. I'm too annoyed.

The Only Thing Worse Than A Crazy Democrat....

...is a crazy Republican.

Remember when I told you about the nincumpoop in the Nissan with the anti-Republican road rage? Well, in the interest of balance [I'm a Libra and a lawyer....Get it?], try this one on for size:

Democrat Damsel In Distress: "My Boyfriend Beat Me Up"

She said she was going to vote for Kerry. He said, "Over my dead body." Or something to that effect.

Ah yes..a rabid, raging Rebublican.

Pop quiz: Quick! Name two countries where people attack each other over their political views.

[crickets chirping]

Scotch Swilling Sassy

P.S. Anyone?.....Bueller?....

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

The Red Head vs. The Tabby

Jazzy re: Playdough: "It's War!"

Readers - if you haven't been checking out the commentary between Jazzy and Playdough following Playdough's recent post, I encourage you to do so. Just click on the "comments" link. It'll change your life, I swear. OK, that may be a stretch - but you'll have a good giggle. Especially if you like a good cat fight.

Unbeknownst (until recently) to the editors of Sassy Travels, Playdough and Jazzy have been engaging in some heavy-handed rhetoric. Frankly, it's quite entertaining. That cat's hilarious (albeit a conniving computer hacker). Let's just say the claws are out, the gloves are off.

What was most interesting for me to learn, however, is that apparently Playdough lives and breathes for an actress by the name of Gabrielle Union.

Playdough's Pussycat

This revelation came as a shock to Ben and me. We didn't realize the furball even watched TV, let alone "Moesha". Then again, maybe that explains some of the unexplained pay-per-view charges on our cable bill. But, hey, at least the cat appears to have good taste.

Anyway, if you want to watch the events unfold, click here. This could be good.


Sassy On The Sidelines

Monday, April 04, 2005

Disabled Diva Dethroned

Pageant Winner Stripped Of "Ms. Wheelchair" Crown When Judges Discover She Can Stand

Oh the humanity. Honestly, I don't know what disturbs me most about this story. But let me see if I can walk you through it.

Number 1. There's a pageant called "Ms. Wheelchair"??? Ok, look - I think it's bad enough that mentally challenged women are exploited in pageants such as "Miss World" and "Miss Universe", but to actually put on a show about.....[Excuse me - Sam (our dog) is trying to tell me something. What's that, Sam? Say again? Ohhhh....]....... Um...my apologies...Sam informs me that the women who participate in the afore-mentioned "Miss World" and "Miss Universe" pageants are not, in fact, mentally challenged. I didn't realize that. Sorry. Um...let's move on, shall we?

Number 2. Ok, so there's a pageant called "Ms. Wheelchair" and women actually enter it. But the rules specify that you must not be able to stand. Wait, no - the rules specify that you must not be seen standing in public. Now hold on a minute - technically, that means I could enter the pageant, right? I mean, how many of you have actually seen me standing in public? That's right - hardly any of you. I'm usually sitting at a bar, or face down under a table. Heck, I hardly stand in private! I mean, Ben would be the first to testify that I hardly ever get off my ass...or lift a finger, for that matter....I wonder if they have a pageant for that?... But, I digress. Suffice it to say, that whole "no standing in public" rule is ridiculous. Shit - any smart worker's comp beneficiary or personal injury lawyer could tell you how to avoid breaking that rule. Moving on....

Number 3. So, there's a pageant called "Ms. Wheelchair", women enter it, rules say no public standing. Fair enough, so what's the problem? Well, you see - when you win a prestigious title such as "Ms. Wheelchair", well, naturally, the paparazzi come running. And next thing you know, you're in the middle of a photo shoot and you commit a heinous act: You stand up. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Look, don't get me started. [Sam says it's too late]. You mean to tell me that the pageant people are actually punishing this poor person because she managed to struggle to her feet to take a photo with her students?! Fine. Whatever. Rules are rules. So, the runner up got the crown. Presumably, she has not been seen standing in public. Besides, I'm sure she learned from the former Ms. Wheelchair's mistake. Those photo shoots will get you every time. Remember what happened to Vanessa Williams?

Well, I better get back to those three briefs I am supposed to be writing. So here I go.....Rut roh....watch out....I am getting up....quick, call the pageant people.....I am actually standing...and.....wait for it, wait for it.....YES! I am now WALKING (over to the kitchen to pour another screwdriver). Hey, in the words of the other Ben in my life, Ben Harper: "If you're gonna get up, you better take a stand."


Standing Sassy

Saturday, April 02, 2005

A Saturday Morning Happy Hour Reflection

To My Sistahs

You know you're doing something right when you look down at your cell phone on a dreary Saturday morning and see the little voicemail indicator and when you check your messages, you hear the following:

Cingular Wireless voicemail lady: You have three new messages.

I have to admit I groaned internally at first. I assumed that the messages were all work-related (I am in the middle of writing three briefs that are all due on Tuesday.....but I digress). Anyway, I was wrong. The messages had nothing to do with work at all. I shall 'play' them back for you, in order:

Cingular Wireless voicemail lady: First message. Nine thirty five p.m. yesterday:

"Danny Parker! I am out celebrating! I wanted to let you know....hey, it's Jimmy the Finn by the way....any way, I wanted to let you know that I am out celebrating and I am on my second Barcardi Limon and Sprite and I am smoking a hooka...something I have never done before....and I am listening to Jack Johnson...and I thought that would make you happy! Bye!"

Then the Cingular Wireless lady gives me the options: Press two to skip this message. Press three to delete this message. Press nine to save this message.

I pressed three. Don't worry - I wasn't being callous. It's just that I had a feeling I knew who the next message would be from. I mean, if she's on her second BLS at nine thirty five, trust me....she'll be calling back.

Cingular Wireless voicemail lady: Second message. Eleven thirty nine p.m. yesterday:

"Jooooooooooo!!!!!! Duuuude! I am calling to tell you I miss you! I really do. [Was I mistaken, or did I hear a little sob?] Look. I miss you and I love you guys. You're the best friend ever!!!!!!"

Cingular Wireless lady didn't even have to tell me the options this time. I quickly hit nine. I had to save that one. Aside from the fact that it's a kickass message, I figure if Jimmy ever runs for office, I can blackmail her with it. Alright, alright - I would never blackmail Jimmy. (Yeah right).

Cingular Wireless voicemail lady: Third message. Twelve forty-five a.m. today:

"Dude. It's Jimmy the Finn here. Dude. I just called to tell you that I am in the car and I have a sippy cup except it's not really a sippy cup it's a modified sippy bottle but it's like a sippy cup....I mean, it's the sippy cup concept....anyway, and I thought you would like that."

Ahhh - sippy cups. Good times. Good times. When Ben met me, I was holding a sippy cup. He would later say, "I never found out what the hell it was you had in that sippy cup." Well, it wasn't Evian, I can say that. And I am guessing Jazzy's modified sippy bottle was full of some other clear liquid too.

Anyway, I know I must be doing something right for Jimmy to call me throughout her celebrations last night, leaving those awesome messages. It's almost like I was there with her.

When we did actually connect over the phone, I was at home watching Garden State with the Captain and a friend. The weird thing is, Jimmy gave me that movie.....and then she called right in the middle of it. Coincidence? I think not. I put the phone on my shoulder while she chatted and I played a little Coldplay on the piano for her. I heard her say to someone on her side,

"Dude! She really is playing The Scientist!" She seemed genuinely surprised, or impressed, or just joyous. That Jimmy is awesome.

Then I checked my email and there was a message from Lala:

"So miss you guys!....Did I mention I was looking forward to seeing you guys.....?"

Lala will be here in 12 days! Woo hoo! And then Bernie will be here. Then Vegas in May with Lala! New Orleans in October with Barb! And I am sure Jazzy will be down soon because if not the casino will have to close down.

Seriously though, do I have a fricking awesome life, or what?

Anyway, all of this rambling is just because my heart is so full of love and wonder. I am so blessed. When I consider the women I call my friends....I don't know what I did in a past life to deserve them....but I thank god everyday.

My Sistahs: They come in all shapes and sizes: blonde, brunette, red head; tall and leggy, pregnant, big and beautiful. They are white, black, Latina, mixed like me. They are smart, sexy, funny as shit, and compassionate souls. They make me laugh. They make me cry. We are never ashamed to tell each other we love each other. We hug, we dance, we drink, we smoke (although I think Jazzy is the only hooka-smoker among us). We have silly nicknames for each other like: Bernie, Jimmy, Danny, Kevin, Perry, Grinchy, Segue (pronounced "say-gway"), and Double G. They've brought me Big Macs and beer when I was depressed. And I've put them in the BenJo Bubble when asked. They love me, just the way I am. And I love them, just the way they are.

My Sistahs: If you're reading today - this is to you. I love you, men! (My sistahs will understand that).

My Sistahs: Barb, Lala, Jazzy, Viv (Dude - don't have that baby yet!), Bernie, Jami, Gretchen (Dude - did you have that baby yet?) and, of course, my number 1 sistah - my Mom. Thanks for being you!


Your Sassy Sistah

P.S. I just realized I should clarify: Jazzy and Jimmy the Finn are one and the same. And no, she isn't schizophrenic...well, maybe a little....but that's a whole other post.

Friday, April 01, 2005


Jazzy passed the Pennsylvania Bar exam! I think she just barely beat out "blue ink pen" guy..... but hey, let the drinking begin! Jazzy - during your job interviews, don't forget Sassy's Anti-Interview Tips for Lawyers.

Cheers J!