Friday, April 22, 2005

Anyone Wanna Buy A Photocopy That Resembles My Ass?...Anyone?...

After all, it seems like you people will buy anything......

Bidder Buys Chicken Breast Resembling Pope For $232.50 On eBay

Ya know, I've said it before, and I'll say it again....Would someone please put an end to the eBay insanity?! For real though. As my loyal readers know, I have previously expressed my indignation on this topic. I alerted you to stories such as the dude who sold his middle name for $8,000 and the pregnant chick who auctioned off her belly as a billboard. And, of course, we had the sale of the stripper's old silicone implant. But this latest...I mean. I've heard of Church's Fried Chicken but, come on....Pollo Papa? Well, it's just going too far. And I'll tell you why....[As if sensing my impending rant, Sam, the dog, has left the room.....]:

Number 1 - All I see is a raw piece of chicken!

Is that paprika?

Personally, I prefer to season with a little lime juice and a dash of salt. To each his own, I guess.

Number 2 - Which pope?

The dead pope? The new pope? I mean, let's face it....all these popes look the same to me. Now, if the Nigerian dude had been elected pope....and if it was a piece of blackened chicken....(sorry)....maybe we'd be getting somewhere. Maybe.

Number 3 - Am I the only one worried about salmonella?

What do you do after you've paid $230 for a piece of poultry? You can't cook it. You can't eat it. Where do you store it? Would it be blasphemous to stick it in a Ziploc bag and shove it into the freezer along with the daiquiri mixers and Mrs. Stanley's leftover lasagna? And, if not, what do you write on the bag to identify it so Ben doesn't accidentally toss it on the Foreman Grill? "Don't Fry Me"? "Marinated With Mercy"? "Cook This And Burn"? I don't know....I see all kinds of logistical problems here.

You know, the whole thing has me a little worried about Catholics in general. I mean, are they having a collective crisis of faith? Seriously, I am beginning to sense desperation. Why else are they rooting 'round in their refrigerators for religion? Remember the Jesus fish-stick? And that famous grilled cheese sandwich? Of course, if you can't find god in your kitchen, you can always search in the slime under a bridge in Chicago.

Hang on! I do see the Virgin Mary! Oh wait, never's a painting.

Anyway, in light of the continued craziness on eBay, I have sorted through my belongings and intend to put several items up for sale. After all, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. As my loyal readers, y'all get first dibs. So here you go:

Sassy's Never Silent Auction

Item #1 - A dust bunny made out of Sam's fur.

Isn't it amazing?

This one was under the bed (along with a pair of my knickers and some used tissues.....Don't ask....Those items are not for sale). Back to the hunk o' hair. It's almost as big as the dog himself! Anyway, this item is a must for those of you desiring a hassle-free pet. You can stroke it and take it for walks. No need for a pooper scooper. Heck, it even smells like dog. There is no reserve on this item (i.e. - no bid's too low). Knock yourselves out.

Item #2 - A clump of Playdough's litter.

Sam has suggested I throw the cat in (for free). I cannot condone such conduct (but I understand his thinking). Anyway, this item is for the art lover. You must be able to appreciate the precision peeing involved in producing this puddle. And notice the beautiful clumping action of the litter. This isn't your cheap litter, folks. This is the good, scoopable, deodorized kind. Bidding starts at 50 cents.

Item #3 - This weird red thing growing in our front yard.

It is gross, attracts flies, and smells like rotting flesh.

Bids start at $150.

By the way, if any botanists read this, and can tell us how to kill the damned thing - it would be greatly appreciated! We keep digging it up, it keeps popping back up.....

Item #4 - This rubber lizard Ben insists on sticking on our microwave.

I am not sure why he likes it there. No matter where I move it to (and I move it every morning when I am heating up my Kahlua & coffee), Ben replaces it. So if you want to make me an offer, you can have it. No reserve.

Item #5 - An almost empty bottle of water.

I drank most of it but you can have the rest. I don't need it. After all, I'll be drinking scotch for the rest of the day.

The green rubber lizard in the foreground is yours for free if you're the winning bidder.

Speaking of leftover stuff....How 'bout.....

Item #6 - Sam's leftover breakfast.

Wait, wait, wait! We may be onto something here!!! Do you guys see what I see!?! Dude! It's TOTALLY Jimi Hendrix! Holy Haze! Dude - this item is really, really rare (and Ben's gonna be really pissed if I sell it). So the bidding will start at $5,000. (That'll give me enough for a new swim/spa which ought to calm Ben down....). If you're interested, it's Pedigree Chicken & Rice.

Well, there you go. Please submit your bids via email. I will announce the winners later. In the interim, I have to go see if I can get Sam to poop in the shape of Bob Dylan's face. Shouldn't be too hard......


Sassy Seller


Anonymous said...

Is it me, or does that chicken breast actually look like the late Frank Purdue?

-- The Boz

Sassy said...

Dude - I think you're right....! The King of Chickens returns!

JazzyJ said...

Dude - I seriously looked at that picture of the chicken and before I read the caption, I thought to myself, "Is that paprika?" Was the paprika for added effect? Did they say the rosary while sprinkling the chicken with the paprika?

Finally - are you doomed to eternal damnation if you eat the aforementioned chicken on a Friday during Lent??