Monday, April 04, 2005

Disabled Diva Dethroned

Pageant Winner Stripped Of "Ms. Wheelchair" Crown When Judges Discover She Can Stand

Oh the humanity. Honestly, I don't know what disturbs me most about this story. But let me see if I can walk you through it.

Number 1. There's a pageant called "Ms. Wheelchair"??? Ok, look - I think it's bad enough that mentally challenged women are exploited in pageants such as "Miss World" and "Miss Universe", but to actually put on a show about.....[Excuse me - Sam (our dog) is trying to tell me something. What's that, Sam? Say again? Ohhhh....]....... apologies...Sam informs me that the women who participate in the afore-mentioned "Miss World" and "Miss Universe" pageants are not, in fact, mentally challenged. I didn't realize that. Sorry. Um...let's move on, shall we?

Number 2. Ok, so there's a pageant called "Ms. Wheelchair" and women actually enter it. But the rules specify that you must not be able to stand. Wait, no - the rules specify that you must not be seen standing in public. Now hold on a minute - technically, that means I could enter the pageant, right? I mean, how many of you have actually seen me standing in public? That's right - hardly any of you. I'm usually sitting at a bar, or face down under a table. Heck, I hardly stand in private! I mean, Ben would be the first to testify that I hardly ever get off my ass...or lift a finger, for that matter....I wonder if they have a pageant for that?... But, I digress. Suffice it to say, that whole "no standing in public" rule is ridiculous. Shit - any smart worker's comp beneficiary or personal injury lawyer could tell you how to avoid breaking that rule. Moving on....

Number 3. So, there's a pageant called "Ms. Wheelchair", women enter it, rules say no public standing. Fair enough, so what's the problem? Well, you see - when you win a prestigious title such as "Ms. Wheelchair", well, naturally, the paparazzi come running. And next thing you know, you're in the middle of a photo shoot and you commit a heinous act: You stand up. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Look, don't get me started. [Sam says it's too late]. You mean to tell me that the pageant people are actually punishing this poor person because she managed to struggle to her feet to take a photo with her students?! Fine. Whatever. Rules are rules. So, the runner up got the crown. Presumably, she has not been seen standing in public. Besides, I'm sure she learned from the former Ms. Wheelchair's mistake. Those photo shoots will get you every time. Remember what happened to Vanessa Williams?

Well, I better get back to those three briefs I am supposed to be writing. So here I go.....Rut out....I am getting up....quick, call the pageant people.....I am actually standing...and.....wait for it, wait for it.....YES! I am now WALKING (over to the kitchen to pour another screwdriver). Hey, in the words of the other Ben in my life, Ben Harper: "If you're gonna get up, you better take a stand."


Standing Sassy

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