Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Three Attorneys Walk Away From Accident Scene

So that happened....

It's almost 2 in the morning and I am getting ready to dive into 4 bankers boxes of documents I brought home today. (I left the remaining 36 at the firm because I think I tore my rotator cuff when I was handling lines on the yacht last week - but, I digress). So, when one is facing a massive document review, one's thoughts naturally turn to our dear friend, Jazzy, of course. What? Yours don't? Well mine do, and I am about to tell you why.

It was the Fall of 2001. The previous law firm I worked at was throwing associates at a document review in New York like a bridesmaid throwing rice. (Actually, that's a great metaphor because one of the partners involved always wore hideous outfits and, as I am sure you all know, associates are very much like rice....)

Friends, if you've never done a document review, count your blessings. It's the bane of every young associate's existence. You are basically tasked with the tedium of thumbing through thousands of "really important" papers, with a view to making sure the "really, really important" ones don't get accidentally turned over to opposing counsel. So you sit in a conference room, surrounded by bankers boxes bursting at the seams, for hours, days, and even weeks. After a while, your entire life is defined by Post-Its, paperclips, and papercuts. And the whole time, you are convinced that you will be the idiot who overlooks the "smoking gun" memo, thereby losing the case (and, of course, your job).

That's a document review in a nutshell. And law firms tend to send neophytes to do them. It really is like an accident waiting to happen.

Anyway, that's how I ended up in Manhattan, with Jazzy and the Reebster, sifting through hundreds of boxes of documents for like an eternity. But, more importantly, that was when J-Jive was born.

As many of you know, J-Jive is the nearly impossible to learn language developed by yours truly and Jazzy. I mean, there are native tongues in the deepest nethers of darkest Africa involving complex tongue-clucking and extended drum solos that are easier to learn than J-Jive. (Seriously. Just ask anyone who has had to suffer through a conversation with me and Jazzy.) It is based on an eccletic mix of philosophical, political, musical, cinematic, and event-driven references. That being said, there are only two native speakers because, well, for some of the idioms, you simply had to be there.

For example, only a native J-Jive speaker would truly understand: Is that a cattle prod? You would've had to have been present late one night at Jazzy's house during a channel surfing extravaganza that produced movies involving John Cusack, horses, soft core porn, and the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Only then could you really capture the pathos, pity, and sheer panic involved within that utterance.

Then there's: Your waves are lapping at the shore near my sand. Only a native speaker would instantly recognize that phrase as Pigeon J-Jive for: Your waves are hitting my beach. (The Pigeon form of J-Jive is being developed by Ben and Nizzle in their attempts to learn the original language. It's like listening to toddlers utter their first words. They make me so proud sometimes.)

Anyhow, to really speak J-Jive, you would have to embrace such concepts as: Running with scissors. You would have to know who said: Mister, I ain't gonna lie to you. This gun is not the bomb. You would ask yourself: Do ants sleep? You would know that: Puke is my kryptonite. You wouldn't be offended if I called you: Crackwhore or Hooker. And if you wanted to watch Jazzy cringe, you would deftly use the words tripod, printer and lover all in the same sentence.

But most importantly, you would know when to use these phrases. And therein lies the rub. Any fool can repeat J-Jivian, but to truly insert the appropriate J-Jive terminology at the right time, and in the right context....ahhh....only the true masters can do this.

So, while the Official (Unabridged) J-Jive Dictionary is being developed, I just wanted to leave you with the following thought:

Document reviews are totally tragic. If at all possible, try to run away from the circus, or go to Vegas, baby, Vegas. Because remember, somewhere out there, mall security is probably following you. It's true, this place is rigged to kill us. So beware the Axis of Evil.

But, if you're like me, and you play smart and hard, at your next document review you might just get lucky, and get a good thumb condom. Oh, and make a new best friend.

Cheers, J!

Ed. NOTE: Yes - the title of this post (and a couple others) is J-Jive. And it makes perfect sense......


JazzyJ said...

It's true...that cat is hi-larious!

Since I forgot to sober up, I only have on thing to say...our best guys are on it, follow the wet footprints.

J-Jive forever!

love, Jazzy

Sassy said...

Thank god I wore the chastity board shorts!