Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Don't Read This Blog (If You're Catholic)

Sorry, Catholics, just trying to do my part to protect you from new ideas and radical thoughts.

Da Cardinal Condemns Da Code

Ok. [Sassy pushes up her sleeves, rolls her shoulders, and cracks her knuckles]. For those of you out there who don't actually know me in person, I submit the following by way of background: I am the daughter of a priest. Yep. You heard me. The Bishop is my daddy. So, now that you know that about me, let me ask you (and if you're an old school SNL fan, you will understand this question): Me vs. Da Cardinal, who wins? I think you know the answer. Da Bitch.

Lordy, lordy, lordy. That dude did not just tell Catholics not to read a book, did he? Holy ignorance, Mass Man!

My favorite part is where he says that "The Da Vinci Code" is full of anti-Catholic prejudice. Yeah - unlike the New Testament, which is sooooo complimentary of Jews and women.

Oh, oh, oh! And then he says that the book is full of falsehoods. Um - I hate to be the bearer of bad news but, so is [aaaaannnd we have lift off for Blasphemy in 4, 3, 2, 1...] Da Bible! Do you know who taught me that? Da Bishop! That's right. My daddy reminds me (very often) that the Bible is simply a compilation of certain individuals' recollections of historical events. As such, not all of it is accurate. That's why some chapters are referred to as "The Gospel According To..." (emphasis added). I mean, I don't wanna be all lawyerly here but, "according to" is what we call a qualifier. In other words, it means: "This is Matthew's (or Mark's, or Luke's, or John's) Version of How The Shit Went Down." (At least Dan Brown pomotes his book as a work of fiction. I guess King James wasn't required to abide by truth in advertising laws?)

Oh no....I feel a rant coming on. [Sassy pauses, sips her cocktail, and takes a deep breath].

Look, I'm glad Da Dude told Cathies not to read the damned book because this way there will be more copies left over for me to buy. I intend to give them as Christmas gifts.....(get it?).

For the rest of you literate people out there, who don't actually have to be told what you are allowed to read, suffice it to say that "The Da Vinci Code" is a wonderful piece of work and, God forbid, it makes you think.

P.S. Why is it, by the way, that the Cardinal is so up in robes about a story depicting Jesus as a heterosexual dude who married some chick and fathered children? Things that make you go "Hmmmmmm...."

Sassy's List Of Other Books Catholics Shouldn't Read:

1. "Angels and Demons" - Um, it's by Dan Brown so you should probably stay away from everything he's ever written. Plus, it promotes the idea of angels and what not. Can't have that, right? I mean, next thing you know, you'll believe that regular folks can become saints..... (For you other rebels out there, it's a kickass book and possibly better than "The Da Vinci Code").

2. "Deception Point" - Um, also by Da Dan Man, know.... The title says it all.

3. "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" - This book suggests that birds are philosophical and can think and talk and stuff. Catholics, beware! It is highly unlikely that seagulls even speak English.

4. "Watership Down" - This book suggests that rabbits, unlike Catholics, have free will.

5. "Animal Farm" - Look, don't ask me why writers keep on suggesting that animals are smarter[Sassy nods pointedly in the direction of Rome].... some people. Just don't read the book, OK?

Oh, and by all means, DO NOT READ anything by Janet Evanovich. You might get so engrossed you miss Mass. And, you might laugh out loud.

Ok - my drink is low. And I could go on about this for hours. But, you guys know the drill: I have nothing further. I'm too annoyed.

Signed - Da Rev (Oh yes, fearless readers. It's true.)

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