Thursday, December 29, 2005

New Rules For The New Year

[Ed. Note: The following was sent in by one of our many Contributing Correspondents, Bernie. We found it amusing (and generally agreed with most of the suggested rules) and thus, we post it without further ado. Um ... ok ... truth is, we've already started to toast the New Year and we're too drunk ... I mean, busy ... to come up with our own original crap. We did add some Sassy comments, however. Happy friggin' New Year, a'ight?]

New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. [Actually, the captain of my school's football team is not mowing my lawn. My lawn's too good for that jackass. Ever since I caught him cheating on me with my best friend in the back of his car, that is ....]

New Rule #2: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards. [Ugh - don't even get me started!]

New Rule #3: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. [Interesting. Here's a counterpoint directed at you men: Stop waxing your chests. Oh, and shaving your balls is just plain stupid. Just a thought.... ]

New Rule #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. [Ok - I know y'all are thinking that Sassy came up with this one. But I didn't! Needless to say, I concur wholeheartedly!]

New Rule #5: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. [This is so true! And while we're at it, why is my scotch bottle so hard to open?! That perforated metal cap is beginning to piss me off! Why can't I just buy scotch in a pop-top can?]

New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. [Seriously, though. Why does scotch have to come in a bottle? Can't they just ship it to me in the keg? I'm not picky.]

New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! [Hold on, I think I'm onto something with this whole "whiskey in a pop-top can" idea. I'll be right back. I have a phone call to make to Jameson ....]

New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. [Ok, I'm back. Did someone say "high"?]

New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." [So, I was talking to the people at Jameson and they said they can't ship me the scotch in a keg because of customs laws. Darn. Oh well, so much for that idea ...]

New Rule #10: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. [Lala likes M&Ms ...]

New Rule #11: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. [Lala likes to buy M&Ms at the Cineplex ...]

New Rule #12: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. [Ya know, I can't remember the last time I went to the Cineplex with Lala. We probably ate M&Ms though ...]

New Rule #13: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months - "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place. [You know what? Maybe they can ship me the scotch in a ziploc bag! My god! I'm a freaking genius! Thank goodness I have Jameson on speed dial! I'll be right back ....]

... .... ... ....

[crickets chirping ... at length]

... .... ... ....

[A Note from the Administration: Um ... well, Sassy never did come back. Obviously our head writer lost interest in this post at some point. Her mind wanders. For that, we apologize. In any event, we wish all of our loyal readers all the best for 2006 and hope to see you back here again ... in spite of our head writer's random ramblings. Happy New Year, y'all!]

Signed,
The Folks At Sassy Travels

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6 comments:

JazzyJ said...

Rule #14: Why are you also parked too close to me in my apartment's parking garage? Seriously. If the guy to my left parks all the way to the right of his parking spot, and the guy to my right parks all the way to the left of his parking spot, where is Jazzy supposed to park with enough space to open up her two-door vehicle? Let's have some parking consideration folks. I am sending you to traffic etiquette school. Forget it....where did I leave my ziploc bag??

Sassy said...

Yeah! And my Cheez-its were clearly marked ....

Hee hee! Happy new year, Jazzy!

the boz said...

"shaving your balls is just plain stupid."

NOW you tell me!

Sassy said...

Hahahahahaaa! Is that why you walk funny?

Happy New Year to you, Boz-man! Here's to your little fellas' future furriness!

D-Day said...

I heard that Bill Maher did a rant Rule #8 once. I know this because my boss told me about it before calling me nothing but "beef with broccoli" for the week after he saw the Chinese character tattoo on the back of my neck.

Until I can save up the money for removal surgery, do you think it can be remedied with some fine print: "Not spiritual"

Although probably no one would believe the next necessary bit of fine print: "Not high."

Happy New Year!

Sassy said...

Ha! Good one!