Tuesday, June 28, 2005

A Sassy Travels Public Service Announcement

"Don't Drink And Drive...A Tank."
Russian Soldiers Steal Tank To Buy Vodka

Ya know...I bet it seemed like a good idea at the time....

Can't you just picture it? There they are, getting bored with their routine patrol assignment, on a cold, cold Russian night. The hours go by ever so slowly until the young tank driver turns to the veteran gunner and says:

Pvt.Vladimir: [heavy Russian accent] Comrade, it's friggin' cold here! Where the hell are we? Siberia?

Sgt. Dmitri: [heavy South Jersey accent] Um...Dah.

Pvt.Vladimir: But what should we do? The Commandant has forbidden fires for fear of enemy attack.

Sgt Dmitri: Dah.

Pvt. Vladimir: Perhaps we should huddle together as Russian bears to preserve our body heat. I should come to lay on top of you?

Sgt. Dmitri: Nyet! You гомосексуальный сумасшедший! [Russian for "crazy friggin' homo!"]

Pvt. Vladimir: Well, what, then? I am not to perish this night!

Sgt. Dmitri: We need водка!

Pvt. Vladimir: водка?

Sgt. Dmitri: Dah. Preferably Stoli...but I'm ok with Popov too.

Pvt. Vladimir: But how, comrade? The closest liquor store is forty friggin' kilometers away!

Sgt. Dmitri: We take the tank and travel to Tyumen and visit a vodka vendor!

And off they went - the naive, young Vladimir driving through the icy night on the most noble quest a man can undertake: the quest for booze. Although, the twosome weren't too talkative during the trip to Tyumen, their tongues got loose on the way back to base.

Sgt. Dmitri: [Taking a big swig of Stoli] Dude, I hate the Commandant. He's an задница.

Pvt. Vladimir: I agree, dude. [Guzzling vodka with one hand, scratching his ass with the other, and steering the tank with his knees...eyes slightly glazed over] He made me do double duty last week. But his wife is a total лисица. If she shows up in that pink miniskirt one more time...well, I can't be held responsible for my actions.

Sgt. Dmitri: [Swillin' some more Stoli] Hahahahaha!

And so on....The trip back to base seemed shorter for some reason. Perhaps it was the light traffic, or the lively conversation, or the warming effect of the Stoli. Then again, maybe it was that whole crashing through a fence into a used-car showroom, damaging several vehicles thing.....

Anyway, Sassy applauds the Siberian soldiers' Stoli efforts, even if they didn't quite succeed. I hope the punishment isn't too harsh. I mean, I think they've learned their lesson:

"If you're gonna steal a military vehicle worth millions of dollars to make a booze run, make sure you have a designated driver who ain't drinking!"

And that, ladies and gents, is the Sassy Travels PSA for this week!

Svedka Swillin' Sassy

P.S. For those of you who don't speak Russian, you can translate any words you didn't understand here. Are we having fun, or what?

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JazzyJ said...

The bottle of Stoli in the picture is fabulous!

Sassy said...

According to one critic (ok - Ben), I have WAYYYY too much time on my hands.