Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Orgasms Linked To Genes

Yes...if you keep them on, you're less likely to have one.....

Um...sorry.....Here's the real story:

Scientists Claim Female Orgasms Depend On Genetic Make-Up

For the sake of my more innocent readers, I am not going to go into a whole lot of detail on this topic [unless you guys really beg me to]. Those of you who know me can just imagine some of the comments I would like to make about this study.

But I do have to ask one question: According to the study, 21% of the women out there have difficulty climaxing during masturbation.....What the....??!! Um....isn't the whole fricking point of that particular act self-gratification? Like, I mean, what do you say to yourself after an "unsuccessful" session: "That's OK....it happens to everyone"? Do you roll over and go to sleep in a huff? Do you chide yourself for not engaging in enough foreplay? Do you make your hand sleep on the sofa? What?? How do you face yourself in the morning over coffee?

Frustrated Woman to Hand: Look....we have to talk.

Hand: [gripping coffee cup anxiously] I know, I know. I'm sorry.

Woman: You're sorry? That's it?! That's all you can say??

Hand: [warming itself over the coffee cup...trying to avoid eye contact] Look. I don't know what happened. I guess I got a little distracted. I mean, you don't know the pressure I'm under down there!

Woman: [through gritted teeth] Pressure!!!! Pressure!!!! Forgive me - I didn't realize your job was that hard! I mean, I'm a girl - it's not like you have to actually grip something.

Hand: Ok, ok...calm down. It's just that there are a lot of distractions, you know?

Woman: Oh! This is priceless! Distractions!?!!! Like what!???! We're usually alone, in the dark, and I even turn the TV off, for cripes' sake. What else do you need to keep your [and now making sarcastic finger quotes with the "other" hand] "focus"? Huh? Huh? Seriously. I could do your job with one hand tied behind my back!

Hand: [abandoning the coffee cup and tapping fingers on the table] Well, let me ask you this: When I'm down there, trying to "focus" on your needs - and let's face it, there's nothing in it for me other than a guaranteed visit to the bathroom sink - what am I supposed to do if I'm needed somewhere else at the same time?

Woman: What the hell are you talking about?

Hand: See? I just knew you never appreciated all the things I do for you. What if I'm down there and the phone rings? You need me to pick it up, don't you? What if a mosquito buzzes past your face? You need me to swat it away, don't you? What if you get an itch...?

Woman: Dude - Lefty can take care of all that stuff. You seriously need to focus on the task at hand.

Hand: Oh yeah? Well, riddle me this, Batman...Isn't Lefty usually tied up?

Woman: [suddenly contrite] Ok look. Let's not fight.

Hand: [moving back to the coffee cup and bringing it up to Woman's lips] Yeah. Let's not. I promise I will try harder next time. Maybe try something new. Do you like chocolate syrup?.......

Anyway, y'all get the point. All I'm saying is that if you're one of the 21% of women out there having that particular problem...well.......um.....talk to the hand.


Satisfaction Guaranteed!

Signed,

SATISFIED Sassy!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Now, you see, I don't think you should blame the hand. It's the brain who should be on the carpet. The hand was probably doing it's job just fine, but the brain fell asleep at the projector and let reel one run out without getting the second reel started.
-- The Boz

Sassy said...

Interesting point.....Maybe the brain should invest in TiVo....

Anonymous said...

raunch, but i love it. ;)

Anonymous said...

Ha! Boz said it's when he should've said its. Now we know where all the rum is going.

Sassy said...

AHEM - Actually, dear reader, the use of "it's" is correct. That is the contraction of "it is". Many people mistakenly use it as the possessive form of "it" (as in "The dog limped. It's left paw hurt.") However, that is incorrect. One is not supposed to use the apostrophe in that instance. This is a little known rule and widely misapplied (especially by Americans).....

No need to thanks us. We at Sassy Travels are happy to provide free grammar lessons to any interested Yanks. :o)

By the way: If you know Boz - you know he would never make a grammatical error. Don't worry, Boz - Sassy has got your back.