Monday, September 05, 2005

Fantasy Football Shocker: Dog Drafts Doozie

Well it's official - I am a Fantasy Football junkie. Yep cabbage.

This is my first year participating in such frivolity and already I can see that I'm gonna be wasting countless hours "wheeling and dealing" and trying to nab a decent kicker during the waiver period. Oh goodie. And, no, I didn't draft Donovan McNabb (....I tried, but Ben stole him from me during the first round when I was busy locking up the Steelers Defense, per Jazzy's instructions....). Anyway, good times are ahead!

You see, the Cap'n and I created our very own fantasy league - the Lauderdale Lunatix League (also known as the Ben.F.L.) - and godhelpme, I'm addicted. Over the weekend we created our teams (12 of them) and ranked our players and positions in preparation for Draft Day. The league "Commissioner" ran the automated draft this morning and off we went!

So, speaking of this morning's draft.... Ben and I hopped out of bed around 7 a.m., eager to see our starting line-ups. And when I say "eager", I mean, Ben hadn't had his coffee yet and I hadn't even gotten the ice out for my Bloody Mary! So you can imagine how unprepared we were when faced with the simply shocking, stunning, and stupefying draft results.....! Let's just say this - me and Ben are both ready to go ahead and concede the Ben.F.L. Superbowl title to Sam. Yep, you heard me....Sam, our dog, is probably gonna win.

"What?" you ask. "How can that be!?" you exclaim. "Kick off isn't 'til Thursday," you remind us. "So how can the draft results cause such despair?"

Well - lemme explain: You see, Ben and I had the brilliant idea of ranking some players on Sam's behalf. We thought it would be funny to pick some so-called "underdogs", figuring Sammy would feel a certain sense of loyalty towards these underrated players. Yeah - great plan. Oh, and how we giggled as we selected Sam's Specialists.... Well, guess who's having the last laugh now....

We pull up the draft results and notice that in the first round, Sammy snagged Kyle Orton. Hmmm.....A savvy canine choice, don't you think? Ben and I nod silently at the computer screen and move on. In the second round, Sam apparently landed Tatum Bell. I hear Ben gulp. I shrug. How bad can it be? Well, let's see....

I click on the third round draft results and learn, to my utter amazement, that the crafty canine selected Keenan McCardell! Now wait a gosh-darned minute! How is it possible that Keenan was still available in the THIRD ROUND? I'm petitioning for an inquiry on this one. And moving right along, we learn that Sammy also nabbed Ronnie Brown and David Carr and Anquan Boldin....well, JEEZ-us! The friggin' list goes on.

Now I am beside myself. I think the damned dog cheated and hacked the computer while we were sleeping, changing all our rankings. In fact, I notice he is all wiped out today....that's what happens when he stays up so late.... [By the way, he just sauntered in here and I could swear he was snickering....]

Anyway, we will keep y'all posted on the Lunatix standings, especially as Sassy Travels has its own team! Here's a listing of the Lauderdale Lunatix League teams and some vital statistix:


Bajan Ballers: Team Owner - Jo. When asked how players were selected, the unusually reticent Jo replied, "I tried to draft my boyz. I didn't get them all." With that she abruptly left the room, stopping only to hawk a loogie on the left shoe of Maulers team owner, the Cap'n. Should be an interesting season.

Starting QB - Daunte Culpepper. Key players - Brian Westbrook, Duce Staley, Plaxico Burress, Mushin Muhammed, Hines Ward. Defense - Buccaneers.

Drifters Escape: We are told by team owner, Perry (of Kevin & Perry fame) that this team was selected on the basis of each player's journeyman status. We are not sure what the hell Perry meant by that but, oh well.

Starting QB - Jake Delhomme. Key players - Curtis Martin; Priest Holmes; Randy Moss; A. Crumpler. Defense - Cowboys.

BenJo's Best: The media's golden child, we are told this highly-touted team was selected using the default rankings supplied by the Ben.F.L. Calls to the anonymous team owner(s) remain unanswered.

Starting QB - P. Manning. Key players - Tiki Barber; Corey Dillon; Larry Fitzgerald; Marvin Harrison; Adam Vinatieri. Defense - Eagles.

Da Irie Men: Apparently under the influence of a questionable weed, team owner, Danny Parker, states that she tried to only draft players who wore dreadlocks at one time or another. We'll be lucky if this team actually makes it out of the locker room. By the way, folks, that smoke you see at the end of the tunnel during player introductions is being tested by the DEA.

Starting QB - Michael Vick. Key players - Edgerrin James; Ricky Williams; L. Tomlinson; Lavernius Coles.

JoJo's Jocks: Rumor has it this team was crafted for one reason and one reason alone: To win the Superbowl. In a recent interview, team owner, JoJo Esquire, delivered the following priceless nuggets: "We are here to win. We know that we have to score points and we intend to do so. We need to complete passes; we need to sack QBs; we need to finish games. This is what we are here for and this is what we will do. Others need not apply." In a related story, John Madden is said to be retiring at the end of this year and has pointed to Ms. Esquire to replace him in the sportscaster's booth. Great.

Starting QBs - Steve McNair; Chad Pennington. Key players - Aman Green; Shaun Alexander. Defense - The Pittsburgh Steelers.

Meatwad's Meanies: This expansion team joined the draft late but left with a handful of decent players. Team owners, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, have announced that, if they win the big game, they will never pee in Carl's pool again. When asked to clarify that statement, the cartoon characters simply responded: "Number One in the Hood, Gee."

Starting QBs - Jake Plummer; Kerry Collins. Key players - W. McGahee; Tony Gonzalez; Ryan Longwell. Defense - Chargers.

Sam's Specialists: Team Owner - Sam. Y'all know about this team. If the dog wins, I'm boycotting Fantasy Football forever.

The Sassy Franchise: According to team owner, Sassy Travels, key players on this team were selected purely on the basis of having a double letter in their names. Players were ranked higher if they had a "double s" like Sassy. [Sheesh] Considering the careful analysis that went into selecting this team, we'll be interested to see how it fares.

Starting QB - M. Hasselbeck. Key players - J.J. Arrington; Jerome Bettis; M. Bennett; Antwaan Randle El; Santana Moss. Defense - Patriots.

The Flying Fish: One of several teams owned by the elusive Cap'n, this one promises to delight fans across the country. I'll take some hot sauce with mine!

Starting QB - Drew Brees. Key players - Warrick Dunn; Reggie Wayne; Jeremy Shockey. Defense - Redskins.

The Guppies: Catching Tom Brady at QB was a huge bonus for this fledgling expansion team. Asked how he managed to net the Boy Wonder, the Cap'n offered the following tidbit: "Sometimes you gotta know when to be chummy. Sometimes you gotta know when to chum." Um....ok. Whatever.

Starting QB - Tom Brady. Key players - Deuce McAllister; Nate Burleson. Defense - Lions.

The Maulers: Judging by the amount of time and money the Cap'n has poured into recruiting his selections, odds are this is the number one franchise in his fleet. When asked if he felt guilty for nabbing the Nabbster when he knew that Jo would certainly be upset [and by "upset" we mean "so-friggin'-pissed-off-that-mother-@#!$&%-stole-my-dude"], the Cap'n replied with a slight shrug, saying only, "Hey - I didn't tell her to use her first round pick to draft the Steelers defense." Well - this is true. It's true.

Starting QB - Donovan McNabb. Key players - Julius Jones; C. Portis; T. Holt. Defense - Bills.

The Spartans: The Cap'n claims this is his "sleeper" team. If by "sleeper" he means we'll fall asleep watching them....he might be onto something.

Starting QB - Marc Bulger. Key players - S. Jackson; Rudi Johnson; Chris Chambers. Defense - Dolphins.

Well, there you have it! Be sure to root for your favorite Lunatix team! And to the rest of the Fantasy Football Freaks out there - have a great season!

Signed,

Short Snapper Sassy

P.S. Thanks to NFL.com for offering such a neat, free, user-friendly fantasy football format. Even first timers like me can figure it out!

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3 comments:

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
JazzyJ said...

Ok...first of all...who the hell posted the first two comments?

Second of all...YOURE MY BOY BLUE! Thanks for taking my advice and getting the Steelers D. However, truth be told, when I was participating in my own fantasy draft and I decided to start the run on defenses...I picked the Baltimore D after much weeping and gnashing of teeth. It was a tossup between the two. I will prob now be sunk by my failure to take me own advice.

Third...what is the prize for winning this fantasy pool? Booze? Cool Ranch Doritos? An all expenses paid trip to the LaLa Lounge?

Sassy said...

The first two comments are a new invention called "comment spam". Leave it to telemarketers to ruin a good thing like blogging. In an effort to prevent "comment spam" Blogger has created a word verification system such that anyone leaving a comment will have to type in a randomly selected word before they can post to the blog. The word verification works because a human actually has to read the word and type it in, preventing automatic, computer-generated, spam attacks. (Those A-holes.)

We at Sassy Travels apologize for any inconvenience this crap causes but you can thank the spammers by NOT clicking on their stupid links. We hope you will continue to leave witty comments.

And now, on to more important things:

Jazzy - I can't believe you didn't grab the Steelers D! Wow! Unbelievable! You go with God, my friend.

As for prizes in the Lunatix League, let's just say participation is its own reward. This year, the inaugural season, bragging rights are the only thing the winner can hope for. Next year, we intend to open the League up to other participants so.... be prepared!

Woo hoo! Football season is here! Yay!