Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Ladies & Gentlemen Of The Jury...

...That Whooshing Sound You Hear Might Be The Sound Of Justice...

Remember how Sassy told y'all about the Penis Pumping Judge? And how, as a result of his alleged antics of misguided masturbation, he was arrested on charges of indecent exposure? [Ed. Note: If you don't remember - shame on you - and click here].

Well, now it's getting close to trial time and motions in limine are being filed ad nauseum. [Only a lawyer could incorporate two, double-worded, Latin phrases into one simple sentence and then use an editorial aside to explain the unnecessary legalese to death. So, instead of doing that, let's just move on, shall we?....]

The Associated Press reports that the judge presiding over the felonious fondler's trial has recently ruled on whether to allow jurors access to tantalizing tidbits such as: 1) The penis pump in question; 2) Another penis pump [I guess he was a collector?]; and 3) A photo of the jerking jurist's johnson for identification purposes..... [Will there be a line-up?!]

Opposing the prosecutor's efforts to introduce the primary penis pump into evidence, the de-benched defendant's lawyer argued that:

the state should be prevented from submitting the device as evidence, [because] not only did it not function but ... it also was sawed in half while in the state's custody. Prosecutor Pattye High said an Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation chemist followed procedure in sawing the pump in two to swab it for DNA evidence.

Ok - I don't know about you guys but that whole last paragraph made me a little woozy.... And, as loyal readers can guess, it left me with a couple of key questions. Here they are:

1. How do they know the penis pump is broken? Seriously. Whose job was it to try it out? Some first year Assistant District Attorney? Did he have to wear special gear to test the used [yuck] penis pump? Did he conduct more than one test for control purposes? I mean, are we sure it was the pump's fault - cuz, you know, some men "malfunction" all on their own, even with masterful manipulation. I don't know. I need more info.

2. Wouldn't sawing the sex toy in half cause it to malfunction? I mean, are they saying the sucker was screwed up before the sawing, or after? Did they slice it while it was being tested? And if so, is the first year Assistant D.A. OK?

3. Why did they saw it in half again? Oh, swab it for DNA evidence ..... Ok - seriously - my grossometer just pegged out. The whole idea is simply tasteless (kinda like this post). But in case you guys are still gung-ho, let me just say that cutting the thing in half was unnecessary. After all (and the women will agree with me here) there are some pretty long Q-tips in our doctors' offices that the investigator could have used.... [Guys, just think about it - One ... two ... three ... Now you're grossed out, aren't you?]

And finally - - -

4. Do we really need to use the term "in state's custody" when referring to a sex toy? I mean, the images that come to mind are quite confusing, don't you think? Like, by "custody", do they mean the vascular vacuum is in a pair of handcuffs? What if the deviant device was a pair of handcuffs? Then what? Is it simply confined to a room with no meaningful hope of escape. [First year law students will get that one]. Are there guards assigned to keep an eye on it? And if so, how long are the guards'... [get your minds out of the gutter] ... shifts?

I don't know. This whole thing gets weirder and weirder. Especially when you consider that prosecutors propose to play over a hundred hours of courtroom tape recordings so the jury can listen to the sound of the penis pump being used behind the bench during trials. The funny thing about that one is - and you lawyers can help me with the Rules of Evidence here - won't they have to perform a live version for the jurors during the trial so those poor people can properly recognize the sound on the tape? Or is there some other way to authenticate the noise the inflating instrument makes? Like, is there some audio expert out there willing to testify with a reasonable degree of certainty that, in his expert opinion, that whooshing sound you hear is.....Well, you know the rest.

Dude, with all this erotic evidence, the trial promises to be the next best thing to that Jerry Springer Show I watched last night: "My Boyfriend Doesn't Know I'm A High-Priced Ho". I can't wait!


Silent Sassy

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Anonymous said...

Sassy, you've outdone yourself. Authenticating the sound! Tears are running down my face! PLEASE please please let this be broadcast on CourtTV. --The Boz

Sassy said...

For real! I'm TiVo-ing that shizzle fo' shizzle!