Friday, February 18, 2005

I Swear, It Wasn't Me!

Patriot's Bruschi Suffers Stroke

"Did you do this?" the Captain asked me.

His question was interesting - not because he was actually expecting an answer, but because my darling dude actually believed it was possible I had something to do with Bruschi's brain bruise. I mean, it is true that the Double O MoJo is an awesome and powerful force. Just ask Mr. Hughes, the school teacher who made me write "The way of the transgressor is exceedingly difficult" 500 times on the blackboard as punishment for giggling in class. I bet his hemorrhoids are still bothering him. And, yes...from time to time I have been known to exact revenge on other people who piss me off. And, yes...sometimes my cosmic curses required the recipient of my rage to be hospitalized and/or take prescription drugs. But I am different now...sort of.

"Um...well...." I hesitated because I didn't want to lie to my lover, and an outright "no" would have been one of those Caucasian creative impulses (i.e., white lies). "I just wanted him to stub a toe or pull a groin muscle," I said sheepishly.

"Well, now look what you've done," the Captain admonished. "I think the dude had a stroke. For god's sake, Sassy!"

"Hey! I can't be blamed if he was screaming and yelling so loudly during his Stupor Bowl victory dance that he burst a bloody vessel!" Yeah - I kinda got defensive. Not good.

"Harrumph," he said. At least that's what it sounded like. And then the Captain went back to watching TV.

"Look," I offered gently, "At least nowadays my shit list is shorter than my gift list. So I'm making progress, right?"

"Yeah, Sassy. That's just great." I don't think the Captain was particularly impressed with my closing argument and he didn't make me any coffee this morning. So maybe the jury's still out. Yeah, I need Ben hugs bad so I better make amends.

So, in my standard self-serving style, I just want to give a shout out to Tedy B and say, "Yo, Tizzle Bizzle! I hope you heal quickly and that no major damage was done." Of course, I am also famous for closing loopholes so I would have to add: "And if this means you can't play football anymore, so be it. I mean, being a professional football player is overrated and at 31 you should be focusing more on enjoying your love." That's ok to say, isn't it?

Ok - seriously, Tedy, I hope you feel better soon. (But I bet you'll think twice about picking off D-Nice next time, won't you?), I retract that last statement!

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