Hey - it takes one to know one....
In a terrifying trend, British men are losing their balls. Some will argue it's not a big loss but, as a fan of the male nethers, I felt compelled to break this story with a view to alerting those of you who would rather hang onto your little buddies. (For the full stories, click on the links embedded below).
After extensive research, (ok, I drank some gin martinis and watched a Bond movie marathon on TNT) I have discovered the Three Techniques of Testicular Theft currently being employed by British ballbusters:
1. The Shrivel
"I say, old girl...did you remember to bring my balls?"
Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, announced today that he would finally marry Camilla Parker-Bowles. While most royal watchers have long acknowledged Camilla's ball-busting expertise, none of us realized she would be this patient with the peckerless prince. When asked to divulge her particular style of sack sequestration, Cammie would only say, "If you wait long enough, they eventually retract permanently." Interesting.
2. The Rip
This second technique proves something Ben has known all along: "Never say 'no' to an English girl." Alas, one dude failed to adhere to that maxim and, when his woman asked for some lovin', he refused. And she, employing the bare-handed skill known only to the most expert of ballbusters, divested him of his danglies. She wasn't totally heartless though - she popped one in her mouth afterwards. I am told he had been asking her to do that for ages. I always say, "Be careful what you wish for."
3. The Bet
Perhaps the most popular technique, "The Bet" has been wagered for years. You know how it works: "I bet you don't have the balls to...." and others of that nature. Well, in bonny Britain, "The Bet" is now being used to encourage the castration of crazy citizens. While I have to admit I've considered mutilating men when the team I cheered for lost (actually, I've considered mutilating certain men for no reason at all, but that's the subject of a separate post), I think you would have to be a little nuts to say "I'll cut off my family jewels if my team wins." (Emphasis added). Well, he did, they did, and he did. After carving them off, the Welshman took his package back to the bar to prove to his friends that he didn't welch on the bet. Good for him.
Well, fellas - now that I've brought these terrifying tales to your attention, please be careful! Don't fall victim to any of these techniques! I mean, this epidemic makes Mad Cow disease look like the common cold.
The whole thing gives me the willies.
Crackhead reporter, Jazzy, contributed to this article. Cheers, J!