A Postcard To Dr. James Dobson

Weather is great. Wish you were queer.
Signed - Your Porous Pal, SpongeBob

When I was preparing this post, the Captain chided, "Don't be giving SpongeBob a bad name now." Alright, alright. So maybe that postcard was a little harsh. But my friends know that me and Spongie go way back. I mean, I have SpongeBob pajamas, SpongeBob notebooks, SpongeBob floor mats in my Jeep, and yes, SpongeBob panties, ok?

So, how am I supposed to let this slide?

Christian Conservative Attacks SpongeBob

Look - I have nothing against the Christian Right. Some of my best friends are from the Christian Right . I have a problem with the Christian Wrong.

Do you mean to tell me that you have nothing better to do than criticize an innocent cartoon character, blaming the yellow fellow for "brainwashing" children into gay lifestyles? Sure the little guy is happy....but gay? Obviously, Dr. Dobson, you've never watched the fricking show.

For example, as Ben pointed out, SpongeBob is in love with Sandy - you know, the FEMALE squirrel from Texas! If he was gay, not only would the porous patty preparer avoid women, he would certainly avoid Texas! JEEZ-us! And the dude lives where? Hello! The Bikini Bottom? Come on! Only the most heterosexual of males dive down there face first! And then there's SpongeBizzle's attire. Look, I live in South Florida and I can tell you - a gay man would never wear a short-sleeved shirt with a tie. And a black belt with brown pants is a definite homo no-no.

Look, Dr. Dobson, if anyone on that show is gay, it's Squidward. (Ok, and possibly Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, but I digress...) Go watch a few episodes and you'll understand. Squidward lives alone, plays the clarinet, and has never expressed any interest in female companionship. In fact, in one episode when SpongeBob offered him a Krabby Patty, Squidward said no. (What? You guys don't think that the Krabby Patty is a euphemism for female genitalia? Oh. Oops.)

So what if Spongie holds hands with Patrick? Patrick is a starfish for cripe's sake. (You know, a hermaphrodite.) That could be taken either way.

Dr. Dobson - you are clearly confused. For example, if you had seen the SpongeBob Square Pants movie, you would remember the scene where SpongeBob realizes that, as a man, he can spank himself. (Ok - I can NOT be the only one that thought that was a euphemism for....well, something else).

I personally have nothing against homosexuality. But if you do, Dr. Dobson, that's your prerogative. All I ask is that you keep your mealy mouth shut about my little square friend. There's plenty of other cartoons out there to defame. Hell, I'll even help you insult Barney and Bob The Builder if you want. But stay away from SpongeBob (and the Sesame Street characters too, by the way).

In fact, you know what, Dr. Dobson? Why don't you go spank yourself.

(Nothing but love. Nothing but love.)

Signed Sassy Squarepants