Wednesday, May 10, 2006

AI5 Update: Final Four Flop

Yep. As far as we're concerned, last night's performances were L.A.M.E. And we're not just saying that because our Fantasy Final Four was Mandisa, Paris, Ayla, and Gideon. I mean, I suppose it could have just been a case of Final Four Fatigue or, perhaps, Final Four Fear. In any event, there was no need to vote last night. None whatsoever. Here's our breakdown (in no particular order):

1. George Clooney: Ok. First of all, how many of those dark suit/striped shirt combos did you buy? We think we counted at least three. It looks like you went on a shopping spree at the Men's Wearhouse. Secondly, how many chins do you have now? We counted at least two. You better lay off the late night nachos. Thirdly, your Joe Cocker spasms are getting on our nerves. The Cap'n suggests a Valium before you go on stage next week. Finally, your Michael Bolton/Bob Seger version of "In the Ghetto" wasn't any more believable than Elvis'. Sing about stuff you know from now, ok?

2. Garden Gnome: Probably the best vocalist of the evening. That being said, The Cap'n asked me to pause the playback during your performance. While he fixed us fresh cocktails, the seconds ticked by, your face frozen on our Hi-Def plasma screen. "Honey! Please hurry!," I cried. "Of all the images that might accidentally get burned into this screen, please don't let it be this one!" Thankfully, The Cap'n has mad drink-making skills [he lives with Sassy, after all] so he returned quickly and I was able to hit "play" before any permanent damage was done to the screen (or my eyesight). Saved by the buzz!

3. Chris Daughtry: Dude. What is up with you and that microphone stand? Jazzy said you looked like a majorette in a high school marching band. Well put! Didn't we tell you to lose that prop weeks ago? When you went down to the audience, we were certain you were gonna whack someone in the head with it! Not your best performance. But, don't worry, you weren't the worst of the night; that dubious award goes to none other than ....

4. Katherine McPhee: They finally found a cure for our McPheever. And not a moment too soon! What in the hell happened? Sassy's theory is that you went out partying the night before and were slightly hung over. [Hey, if anyone knows about hangovers ...] How else do you explain the breathlessness and botched lyrics? And, while we're at it, what up with that second outfit? I mean, we gather it was supposed to be a midriff-baring jacket but, it was so poorly cut, we couldn't see your belly button. Do you actually have one? Cuz seriously, the absence of a navel made you look less like a P.Y.T. [that's "Pretty Young Thing" for those of you who weren't alive in the '80's] and more like an E.T. [again, for those of you who weren't alive in the '80's, that's "Extra-Terrestrial"].

Well - we can't wait to see what tonight's results reveal. We suspect it's gonna be an all-male show next week. And that's too bad because we honestly believed the girls had this season in the bag when it all began. Just goes to show - we know nothing.

Signed,
Non-Voting Sassy

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4 comments:

JazzyJ said...

Now that you mention it...that bizarre patch of skin *was* exactly the color of ET's skin. Where was Elliot? Oh wait, he was right there singing "I Can Dream."

All that was missing was the bike and the Reese's Pieces.

Sassy said...

I think Taylor Hicks ate all the candy and Chris Daughtry chopped up the bike to make a new mike stand....

The Boz said...

Thanks a lot, Sassy! Up until a few seconds ago, I thought what we were looking at was Katherine's t-shirt. Now I'm all weirded out.

Sassy said...

Glad to be of service!