Dateline: Wilmington, Delaware
January 13, 2004
by Jazzy The Finn
Today marks the end of what will long be remembered as the "clubhouse" era in Delaware history. Wire reports confirm what Delawareans already feared to be true: Jo Springer (aliases Sassy, Crackwhore, Clotwhore, Danny Parker, Tom Van Allen, Kylie, Halle, Mitch, and Kevin (or was it Perry?)) was seen making a run for the border today.
Springer reportedly crossed the border late today heading southbound on I-95, in a U-Haul truck with the cryptic phrase "Is that a cattle prod?" emblazoned on the back of the vehicle. There are unconfirmed reports that there was a string bikini tied to the antenna, and that Springer was heard screaming, "Freedom trail to Fort Lauderdale, Florida or bust!" from the front of the truck. One witness reported seeing thousands of shoe boxes strapped to the top of the vehicle and a man wearing a Captain's hat in the front seat next to Springer.
Springer was seen saying goodbye to one of her co-conspirators yesterday, at her city home in Trolley Square. Lala (the tall leggy blonde) was spotted fleeing the residence in tears, following a difficult goodbye. Lala was seen wandering around a K-Mart parking lot later in the day, muttering something about underwear and a to-go cup. Apparently, Lala fled the scene upon overhearing an innocent bystander announce that he thought John Madden had "sausage fingers." Lala is now reportedly at home, packing her bikinis and loading her own U-Haul.
Other persons affiliated with Springer were seen gathering at a local watering hole, Mikimotos, late last night. Most are under investigation by federal authorities, and local federal agent, James Madison, would neither confirm nor deny that Ed "Big Nickel" Kantrell, Danielle "Double Barrel" Grant, Staci "I Want You Back" Hawthorne, June "Get Me Outta Here" Sampson, and Steve "Nips" Rapstar were in attendance.
The Guava Pitt Gazette has been able to confirm that both Double G and Jazzy made an appearance at Mikimotos to wish Springer well. GPG has been unable to confirm, however, whether they were wearing their traditional clubhouse superhero garb.
Double G cut the long goodbye short, presumably to pick up her "children". Friends of Double G say they have never actually met said children, and believe they are a convenient excuse to leave uncomfortable social situations quickly. The Guatamalan, with nerves of steel, managed to exit the location without shedding any tears, realizing that her recent (planned) unemployment meant that frequent trips to South Florida were inevitable.
Jazzy, Springer's former roommate, had to be physically removed from the restaurant by another guest following a painful and teary goodbye. Jazzy could be heard screaming, "You're my boy, Blue!" as she was dragged kicking and screaming from the bar.
Upon arriving at the couple's country home later that evening, Jazzy reportedly made herself one of her signature cocktails (Bacardi Limon and Sprite) and sat in the dark watching some of their favorite TV material: Sports Center, Old School, John Cusack movies, soft core porn, and movies with horses in them. Sources tell us that at one point Jazzy attempted to speak J-Jive with herself, but unable to successfully capture the witty repartee alone, sulked back into the kitchen for more alcohol.
Jazzy is now on suicide watch, and was seen this morning being chained to her desk by an unnamed partner at the law firm where she and Sassy worked together.