New Rules For The New Year

[Ed. Note: The following was sent in by one of our many Contributing Correspondents, Bernie. We found it amusing (and generally agreed with most of the suggested rules) and thus, we post it without further ado. Um ... ok ... truth is, we've already started to toast the New Year and we're too drunk ... I mean, busy ... to come up with our own original crap. We did add some Sassy comments, however. Happy friggin' New Year, a'ight?]

New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. [Actually, the captain of my school's football team is not mowing my lawn. My lawn's too good for that jackass. Ever since I caught him cheating on me with my best friend in the back of his car, that is ....]

New Rule #2: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards. [Ugh - don't even get me started!]

New Rule #3: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. [Interesting. Here's a counterpoint directed at you men: Stop waxing your chests. Oh, and shaving your balls is just plain stupid. Just a thought.... ]

New Rule #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. [Ok - I know y'all are thinking that Sassy came up with this one. But I didn't! Needless to say, I concur wholeheartedly!]

New Rule #5: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. [This is so true! And while we're at it, why is my scotch bottle so hard to open?! That perforated metal cap is beginning to piss me off! Why can't I just buy scotch in a pop-top can?]

New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. [Seriously, though. Why does scotch have to come in a bottle? Can't they just ship it to me in the keg? I'm not picky.]

New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! [Hold on, I think I'm onto something with this whole "whiskey in a pop-top can" idea. I'll be right back. I have a phone call to make to Jameson ....]

New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. [Ok, I'm back. Did someone say "high"?]

New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." [So, I was talking to the people at Jameson and they said they can't ship me the scotch in a keg because of customs laws. Darn. Oh well, so much for that idea ...]

New Rule #10: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. [Lala likes M&Ms ...]

New Rule #11: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. [Lala likes to buy M&Ms at the Cineplex ...]

New Rule #12: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. [Ya know, I can't remember the last time I went to the Cineplex with Lala. We probably ate M&Ms though ...]

New Rule #13: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months - "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place. [You know what? Maybe they can ship me the scotch in a ziploc bag! My god! I'm a freaking genius! Thank goodness I have Jameson on speed dial! I'll be right back ....]

... .... ... ....

[crickets chirping ... at length]

... .... ... ....

[A Note from the Administration: Um ... well, Sassy never did come back. Obviously our head writer lost interest in this post at some point. Her mind wanders. For that, we apologize. In any event, we wish all of our loyal readers all the best for 2006 and hope to see you back here again ... in spite of our head writer's random ramblings. Happy New Year, y'all!]

Signed,
The Folks At Sassy Travels

Tags: Sassy Travels

More Bar Exam Blues ....

[Ed. Note: This was sent by a loyal reader in California, AnkleBone, who submitted it in the comments section of one of our posts. As some of you may not read the comments, we thought we'd share it with you on a main page. Thanks for thinking of us, Boney!]

Hi Sass -

Seein' as how you're a lawyer lady and all, I thought you might get a kick out of what a columnist in a local rag here in SF reported this morning - reminded me of the great post you wrote about your bar exam travails... Thanks for making me smile almost every day - keep up the great stuff!

By P.J. Corkery
Published: Tuesday, December 6, 2005 11:39 PM PST
From The Examiner San Francisco

Some of us really flub. Dig this: Kathleen Sullivan, who had been dean of Stanford Law School, just flunked the California Bar exam! That’s right, Dean Sully, for 25 years a top constitutional lawyer who had often been mentioned as a possible U.S. Supreme Court nominee — flunked the bar exam!

This news comes as part of a Wall Street Journal story last Monday, on, not surprisingly, how tough the California Bar exam is, even for top lawyers like the eminently respectable and brilliant Dean Sully. She’s in good company. The Journal reports that Jerry Brown failed on his first try many years ago. And former Gov. Pete Wilson had to take the exam four times.

Sullivan, a Harvard Law grad, is licensed to practice law in Massachusetts and New York, but those tickets are no good in the Golden State. So, after leaving Stanford to practice with a Los Angeles firm, she took the grueling three-day exam last July. … The Journal speculates that Dean Sully, under the pressure of business, didn’t spend enough time prepping the more arcane of the 15 areas of the law that the exam covers. She’ll try again. …

The record for flops followed by a win goes to Maxcy Dean File of Compton, who took the exam 47 times before passing in 1991. … Meanwhile, down on The Farm they’re trying to figure out who leaked the confidential info about the dean’s flub.

[Sassy says: Well, it proves my point, eh? Bar exams are a complete and utter waste of time. And money. But y'all knew that ...]

Tags: Sassy Travels; Bar exam; California bar; law

Christmas Card Calamity

So, apparently, people don't send Christmas cards anymore. And that's fine by me.

Seriously - it's four days 'til Christmas and I count 6 cards on our table. [Thanks to the Cap'n's parents, Ed, Jules, Debbie, Barb, and the fine folks from our fave Chinese take-out, who also sent us a lovely calendar featuring photos of (possibly underaged) girls.] Did we receive more cards last year? Sure. Does the decline in deliveries depress us? Um ... to be honest ... no.

I mean, while I enjoy receiving seasons greetings, I'm always at a loss as to what to do with the cards after the holidays: Do I save them all? Or do I only save the ones I like? Do I have to send reciprocal cards next year? Or can I pretend the postman lost certain ones? And then there's the cards that are actually family photos ... Hmmm ... I most certainly will go to hell if I use those as kindling on bonfire night, right? It's such a Christmas conundrum.

Well, in case you're wondering, you won't be getting a card from us this year. I could come up with a zillion excuses like lack of time or lack of money, but the truth is it's just lack of motivation. I mean, y'all know we love you and think about you all the time, right? So there's really no point slapping a stamp on a store-bought salutation, right? But hey - if it will make you feel better, here:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
From all of us here at Sassy Travels

A Tale Of Two Nickis: Kidman & Keith Knotted?

According to Star Magazine, [Yeah right ... like you don't read the tabloids...] Aussie country crooner, Keith Urban, and Cruise castoff, Nicole Kidman might be getting married this week in Vegas. [There go the Cap'n's chances with her....]

Well, at least Keith's consistent: He likes 'em tall, leggy, and blonde .... and, apparently, named Nick. [That's a pic of Urban's ex, super model, Niki Taylor, hereinafter referred to as "Nick 1".]

In a trade most men might consider questionable, the Urban cowboy broke up with the 29 year old "Nick 1" a few months ago and quickly popped the question to "Nick 2" this past Thanksgiving. The impending nuptials will be in the nick of time, given that "Nick 2" is pushing 40 and said to be dying to have her own (as opposed to, adopted) kids. And hey - at least he doesn't have to worry about calling her by the wrong nickname in bed .... So another blonde bites the bullet and corrals a country singer. Here's hoping this one's not a fraud ....

Well, Sassy has to go shopping .... In the words of the original Nick, "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Signed,
Sassy Santa

Tags: Sassy Travels; Keith Urban; Nicole Kidman; Niki Taylor; news; entertainment

Who Who Who's Got The Hooch?

So - this little fella, a Screech Owl, was found in a family's Christmas tree. When experts from a nearby wildlife sanctuary came to take the owl away, they discovered that the little dude was wasted. Yep ... you heard me .... The bird, now known as "Cheech", was wasted on wacky weed.

"Curiously enough, the owl's feathers smelled very, very potently like marijuana," said Jeff Dering, of the sanctuary. "They examined the owl, looked at its eyes, ... and the owl was, in the vernacular, stoned."

Curious enough, indeed. Interestingly, there is no explanation as to how the hooter got high, but we do know this: The folks who owned the Christmas tree in which Cheech the Screech was chillin' had the tree for 5 days before they decided to decorate it ... ... Five whole days, eh? Gee ... I wonder what they were up to ... ?

The following quote from Garden State comes to mind:

Mark's Mom: Oh ... guys? Don't stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector; it was beeping all night.

Well, the good news is that Cheech will be released from rehab in a few days. Whether he will heed his counselor's advice and stay away from gateway drugs is another matter entirely.

Signed,
Smoky Sassy

[Ed. Note: Sorry for the unannounced hiatus but Sassy travels, and the Cap'n too. We just got back from the Bahamas! Sassy sends a shout out to the Brown family and Maurice and Rose and Carlos! We had a blast - even when we didn't get served!]

Tags: Sassy Travels; news; owl; marijuana

Man Rapes Co-Eds, Leaves Phone Number

So - after sexually assaulting two college students in Orlando - the tech-savvy rapist programmed his phone number into the victims' cell phones and left. [Needless to say, he was later apprehended after answering a call ... from a cop ....]

This has to go into the "What Was He Thinking?" category of the annals of dumb criminals. Like - was this guy really expecting a phone call requesting an encore?

But here's my real concern: Is he "in network"? I mean, if I actually phone him to praise his pistol performance, will it cut into my "roll-over" minutes? Should I call after "peak" hours or does he qualify under my "any time" plan? I'm confused .... as usual .....

Signed,
Cellular Sassy

Tail-Gaping Trailer Towed

This lovely vehicle, which was strategically parked across the street from the Tampa Bay Bucs stadium during the Bears game last week, was impounded by police on Monday. Turns out it was a mobile strip club!

The exotic and erotic entertainment came to an end, however, when undercover cops boarded the bus and busted the busty babes.

At this time, we do not know if the arrests were made before or after the $40 lap dances.

Hey - I personally applaud the dudes who came up with the idea of a Tail-Gating Trailer for Tail-Gaping in Tampa. Respect. For real. I guess they broke some law though. Too bad.

Hooray! Scientists Discover "Love Molecule"!

Look, y'all know what I think about all these so-called "scientific" studies, so why would I even dignify this latest one with a post? [um ... well ... it beats writing this brief I have to do ...] So, here goes:

Sassy Scoffs At Scientists ... Again

According to some random Italian researchers (their credibility and level of expertise are unknown), that goofy feeling you get when you first fall in love is triggered by the "Love Molecule" [And here I thought it was the booze...]. To arrive at this stunning conclusion, scientists looked at the Love Molecule [that's "molecule", people, not "muscle"] in the blood of 58 people, who had recently fallen madly in love, and the tests showed that ..........

Ok. You know what? Stop right there. These folks had just fallen "MADLY in love"??? What if the falling wasn't MAD? Could they still participate in the test? And by the way, what the hell kind of questionnaire did these test subjects fill out when they signed up for the study??? Did it go like this?:

QUESTION #2: As you are only eligible to participate in this research study if you have "recently fallen MADLY in love" please describe your current relationship. Remember, you must be MADLY in love. Is your relationship:

a) Like a pizza pie with all your favorite fixings;[hey - they're Italian, ok?]; or

b) Like a pizza pie with all your favorite fixings hand-delivered to your door; or

c) Like a pizza pie with all your favorite fixings hand-delivered to your door by a barefoot Luke Wilson wearing only a pair of ripped jeans, his body glistening ever so slightly, his hair tousled in that "just-hopped-out-of-Sassy's-bed" kinda way, with a ... ... ..

.... I'm sorry ... Where was I?? Oh right. The study....

Seriously though. Who the hell has time to participate in some research project (and one involving multiple blood tests over the course of a year, no less) when they've just fallen MADLY in love?? Shouldn't they be too busy MADLY shagging? [Maybe that's just us.....]

Well, according to the study, Love Molecule levels plummet to pitiful proportions after you've been with the same lover for a year. Now, you see, that's how I know the research is wrong. Clearly, these 58 people weren't MADLY in love at all. [And by the way, couldn't they find more than 58 amorous Italians?] Look, I can tell you right now (no blood test required) when you're MADLY in love, it doesn't wear off. To wit, it's been over two years since I first laid eyes on the Cap'n, and I'm definitely still under the influence of whatever chemical it was that made me go gaga back then. [Shut up, you guys. You know who you are.]

So put that in your pipe and smoke it, you stupid scientists.

Look - do y'all want to hear about a real discovery? Try this: Today Sassy discovered that the Cap'n's belly button also produces blue lint. (We'd only been able to collect white and gray samples before). Now that's a discovery!

Alright - I gotta go. It's time to harvest some more lint. By the way, do y'all want white or blue cushions for Christmas?

Signed,
Still-Coo-Coo Sassy

[Ed. Note: For previous editions of Sassy's Science Scoffs, click here.]

Credits: Photo of Sassy & the Cap'n by Pete - the Prince of Port Townsend. Copyright © 2005, Sassy Travels

Tags: Sassy Travels; science; news; Love Molecule; Luke Wilson

BRILLIANT NEWS ALERT!

This morning, Reuters reported that, in yet another groundbreaking study, Irish researchers have reached the stunning conclusion that bigger butts require bigger needles for injections.

Did I mention the researchers were Irish ....?

Now don't start laughing yet! First, let's read more about the Duh-bliners' discovery, shall we? Ok. Well, apparently, after the Irish technicians tackled their task, they were surprised to see that (and we quote):

Standard-sized needles failed to reach the buttock muscle in 23 out of 25 women whose rears were examined after what was supposed to be an intramuscular injection of a drug.

Um ... it was "supposed to be" an injection ...?? Of a "drug" ...???

Ok, look. Far be it for us to resort to the use of stereotypes (especially about the blokes who invented Jameson whiskey) but, it kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it? Like - these Irish scientists, ferinstance. Don't you think that maybe rather than researching the needle ranges of rotund rears, these guys were possibly up to something else?

- We'll tell them to drop their pants!
- Brilliant!

Well - I gotta go. Ben says it's time for my shot.

[Brilliant!]

Tags: Sassy Travels; Jameson whisky; Guinness; science; news; health; medicine

Blame It On Rio: Brazilian Booty Cards Banned

Do y'all remember when Sassy told you about the Three Signs of The Apocalypse? Yeah? Well, add a friggin' fourth.

According to the Associated Press, Rio de Janeiro has banned the sale of those postcards of hot chicks in thongs because they don't like the message being sent to foreigners. [Yes, you read that right.]


Apparently, Rio politicos want the tourist trap ... er ... I mean ... tourist hot-spot ... to be known for more than sex and sodomy. (They build planes too.)

Well, I can see their point. I mean, after all, if it weren't for those misleading missives with bare-bottomed beauties in bikinis, I would've have considered Rio a retreat for the religious right. Think about it - Rio's fave festival started out as a religious holiday and their best-selling postcard is a pic of Christ The Redeemer.


'Course, he also wore thongs...
Oh well. Fans of female exploitation need not be alarmed. I'm told the highly-popular and hotly-contested "Miss Sao Paulo Penitentiary" beauty pageant [and no, I can't make that shit up] will continue as planned. Bring on those hot hoosegow hunnies!

Signed,
Samba Sassy

[Important Note From Editors: Dear Readers - Please be advised that there were many discussions (and by "discussions", we mean "heated arguments") here at Sassy Travels between the Administration and our head writer about whether it was appropriate to include a picture of Christ The Redeemer in a post with sexual overtones and a shot of scantily clad women. As you can see, Sassy ultimately prevailed and the Administration was forced to accept her submission. Per usual, Sassy's arguments about free expression, full disclosure, and the well-known doctrine of "Separation of Church and Sassy" were both compelling and long-winded. Sassy claimed the inclusion of the butt-shot was integral to her readers' understanding of the topic and tone of her dissertation. Nonetheless, we would be remiss if we did not remind our readers that the opinions set forth herein are not necessarily those of the Administration and are not intended to offend (unless you were offended, in which case, she meant it). Please accept our apologies. We just can't seem to control her.]


Tags: Sassy Travels; Brazil; Rio De Janeiro; Rio; postcards; news; travel; tourism

Scientific Study Sends Women To Bed

So - let me get this straight ... These French women have spent two months on their backs with their legs up ... all in the name of research ... ? Uh huh, uh huh ... And I wasn't called up to serve, because why?

Signed,
Sleepy Sassy

To All My American Friends: Happy Turkey Day!

Hope y'all are enjoying a wonderful day of football, food, friends, and family.

Of course, if you really wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving, and honor the natives who were kind enough not to scalp your forefathers at that dinner all those centuries ago, you'd ask yourself, "WWJD"?

Yes, that's right: "What Would Jazzy Do?"

Why, she'd head to a casino, of course! After all, is there any better way to pay tribute [and I use that word in the Roman sense] to the original tenants of this territory? Heck, you wouldn't even need to bring a gift! Trust me, your presence would be gift enough. ... [Ahhh, yes .... cash revenue - the gift that keeps on giving.]

Signed,
Silly Sassy


Tags: Sassy Travels

BREAKING NEWS: Owens Ouster OK'ed

LIVE! (1:35 p.m.): Dave Spadaro, of the Eagles website and live radio show, just reported that the arbitrator has ruled against T.O. and the four-game suspension will be upheld. Stay tuned for further updates!

UPDATE! (1:52 p.m.): In addition to approving the suspension, Richard Bloch, the arbitrator, added that the Eagles have the right to deactivate Owens for the rest of the season!

UPDATE! (2:26 p.m.): In related news, Drew Rosenhaus is said to be seeking a Presidential pardon before Thanksgiving. When reached for comment, Marshmallow, a recent recipient of the very salvation sought by the sports agent, offered the following:

"Gobble, gobble, asshole. Gobble, gobble."

For more on this and other developing stories, stay tuned to the Sassy Sports Station! [Ok - it's not so much a "sports station" as it is a "sports" sofa ... next to my "sports" liquor cabinet ... but y'all get the point].

Tags: Sassy Travels; Terrell Owens; T.O.; Philadelphia Eagles; Donovan McNabb; NFL; sports; McNabb; Drew Rosenhaus

Donovan's Done

So, it's official. No more D-Nice at the helm. Apparently, McNabb's sports hernia will require surgery sooner rather than later. Of course, we all know that it's really John Madden's fault. Friggin' sausage fingers.

All I can say is that this season started out badly and just got progressively worse. Seriously. As if it isn't bad enough that our marquis wide-receiver got himself fired, our injured reserve list would make a decent starting line-up!! [Well ... if they weren't ... you know ... all injured 'n' shit].

Whatever. It's all good. I'm a true Eagles fan and, therefore, I'm used to this crap. After all, as Miss Lala and I always say, we've survived Buddy Ryan (never won a playoff game as Eagles coach), Rich Kotite (won one playoff game but went 7-9 in his final season), and Ray Rhodes (it took a 3-13 record to finally get his ass fired). So, bring on the adversity! We can take it!

THIS JUST IN: According to Newsday, the arbitrator will reduce T.O.'s suspension and the Eagles will probably release the receiver into the waiver pool, where he will be available to the teams with the worst records .... [Um ... Does that mean the Eagles will be able to reclaim him off waivers? I'm confused ....]

Signed,
Sportsbloggin' Sassy

Credits: Stats courtesy of Pro Football Reference.

Tags: Sassy Travels; Terrell Owens; T.O.; Philadelphia Eagles; Donovan McNabb; NFL; sports; McNabb

Bush Pardons Turkey

Marshmallow has been remanded to Disneyland where he will serve a life sentence.

Said the fowl fellow of his fame and fate, "I'd rather have had my head chopped off."

Sassy's Back ... And She's No Longer Amish!

Go ahead, laugh. But how many of you out there can say you were trapped as an Amish housewife in South Florida for 21 days? Yeah ... that's what I thought ... not many of you. In fact, most of you probably aren't even eligible to join the first [and only] Southeastern Chapter of Recently Amish People Promoting Liquor Enjoyment (a/k/a SCRAPPLE). So, there.

Listen to me when I tell you that there was nothing funny about my situation these past three weeks. I had to learn to live without electricity, without cable, without drinking water (well, ok, that wasn't such a big deal ...). I was one of the many, one of the mouthy, one of the ....

[INSERT SOUND OF STATIC HERE]

Hey ... look ... If you are, in fact, interested in joining SCRAPPLE, we hold meetings on the third Wednesday of every month, starting at 4:30 a.m. at the Denny's on 17th Street Causeway. Truth is ... we could use a couple more members ... Oh ... and it's BYOB, 'kay?... Um ... We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming ....

[MORE STATIC]

........ and so what she was telling the Home Depot clerk was the truth! In any event, the real point is that, thanks to Hurricane Wilma, many women in South Florida were being held hostage in this lifestyle of restraint and sacrifice. Experts use the term Sassy Amish Housewife to describe these desperate women who were forced to do desperate deeds.

[Ok, look. The truth is - none of the writers know where the hell this post is going ... And, for that, we apologize. We're still celebrating the ability to make ice and watch HDTV so ... you know, talk amongst yourselves.]

Alright, without further ado, here are five easy ways to tell if a hurricane has turned you into a Sassy Amish Housewife.

You know you're a Sassy Amish Housewife when:

1. In a staggering departure from the norm, you start waking up at 6:30 a.m. every day (this is because, in the absence of electricity, you're in bed by 8:30 each night);


2. Because you're incredibly bored - after all, no electricity means no cable means no pay-per-view wrestling - you plant flower beds all over your yard, sand and refinish all the lawn furniture, build a birdfeeder, and repaint the outside of your house;


3. A week after the hurricane, you stop shaving your legs to avoid the blood loss you suffered on previous occasions when you sliced the tops of all your goosebumps off in the cold shower. (No electricity means no hot water heater, remember?);
   
   
4. During the "boil water" order, you learn to drink scotch neat. Without ice. And from a disposable plastic cup. (You can't run the dishwasher and godforbid you wash glasses by hand!);
   
   
5. As you also refuse to do laundry by hand, your wardrobe mostly consists of granny panties and a pair of overalls you bought in the 80's.
   

If you can answer yes to even one of the above, you, my friend, are on your way to becoming a Sassy Amish Housewife. The good news is - Sassy has finally escaped her Amish life and is back to blog you to boredom once more! Did you miss us?

But seriously, thanks to all of you for your prayers, nice thoughts and good wishes! We're back, baby! We're back! Stayed tuned for regular updates!

Signed,
Still-Drinkin'-It-Neat Sassy

[Ed. NOTE: The Administration insists we alert our readers to the fact that the photograph above is not, in fact, an authentic portrayal of an Amish housewife, inasmuch as Sassy refused to remove her Oakley sunglasses, MP3 player headphones, and orange golf visor prior to the shoot. Y'all know how she is. Anyway, if we caused any confusion, we apologize.]

[RANDOM ASIDE: Sheesh - all this because of a hurricane named after a Flintstones character....]


Tags: Sassy Travels

Survivor: Fort Lizzle (Day 8)

Dude, when I finally make it on to the CBS hit reality show Survivor, I'll be set. Thanks to Hurricane Wilma, I will arrive at the first day of shooting with the following items in my arsenal [heh heh ..."arsenal"... I just realized what a funny word that is ... sorry ... it's the vodka talking ... back to the show....]:

A Sassy Survivor's Checklist:

1. First of all, obviously, I would bring the aforementioned vodka (a big bottle). Seriously, can you picture how funny that show would be if people were allowed to get all boozed up? You'd have juicy soundbites such as the following between me and Bobby Jon:

Bobby Jon: Look. At tonight's tribal council, I think we should vote off Cindy.

Sassy: Who?

Bobby Jon: Cindy. She's lazy. Yesterday, while the rest of us were busting our asses gathering fire wood, do you know what she was doing?

Sassy: Who?

Bobby Jon: Cindy! Jeez-us! Pay attention, would ya?! Anyway, I'm just saying that girl is USELESS! We should totally vote her off.

Sassy: Who?

And so on .... I envision Bobby Jon getting really pissed off and quitting the show due to the loud partying and total lack of motivation caused by my addition to the camp. Yep. Vodka would make that show a lot more entertaining. Of course, when we fall into the fire, fatigue won't be the cause.

2. Assuming I could strap it to my back prior to jumping off the launch boat, I'd also bring a generator. Look, I know it would probably make me sink like a rock to the bottom of the ocean (and drowning is bad, I guess) but maybe I could convince some of the younger men in my tribe to help me with it. In exchange, I'd promise to let them watch football with me. Heck, maybe I'd let them have a couple shots of vodka too. Yep. A generator would make that whole ordeal completely do-able. Think about it: you could make coffee in the morning, blog in the afternoons, and watch Extras [the best damn show on TV, period]. I'd be the most popular chick on the island.

3. I'd also totally bring ice. I know, I know ... who needs ice when you've got vodka. But the truth is, I prefer my screwdrivers chilled. Also, and check this, it turns out that when ice melts, it turns into water! Who knew!?! See all the valuable shit you learn when you live through a hurricane?

4. My final item would be my cell phone. Seriously, I couldn't have made it through this week (and the weeks to come) without it. Not only are cell phones handy for logging onto the internet, I find the game Collapse! quite entertaining in the dark. Of course, the entertainment value of anything soars when you're half-cocked on vodka and ice after a full day of watching football. I'd also use my cell phone to take naughty "upskirt" shots of my fellow camp-mates and then post them on the web. Dude, I'd make a killing with that website! Winning the million dollars would just be gravy. [Ed. Note: If you don't know what an upskirt shot is, Google it at your own risk....]

Anyway, that's the list. If you have any suggested additions, feel free to let us know.

Seriously though, the point of this post is to let you know that we're still surviving here in Fort Lizzle, even though it's a week after Wilma and we still have no electricity and they just announced that the courthouse will be closed "indefinitely". The good news is, Brownie's, one of our fave bars, is open (by candlelight) and My Market still has beer. What else do Sassy storm survivors need?

Oh - and Sam is simply thrilled with it all. He thinks this is one big party, what with the Cap'n being home all day and the millions of sticks (a/k/a storm debris) laying around. Way to make the most of it, Sammy!

Well, time to head home and fire up the generator so we can make some more ice ... you know ... for the vodka ... and Monday Night Football! Go Steelers!

Signed,
Sassy Survivor


[This post courtesy of Brew Urban Cafe, located at 209 SW 2nd Ave, Fort Lauderdale! Thanks, John, for getting a kickass generator and WiFi service!]

Tags: Sassy Travels; Hurricane Wilma; Fort Lauderdale; : Survivor; : Extras

This Just In: No Power 'Til Turkey Day

So, according to Florida Power & Light ("FPL"), us folks in Broward County will be the last to get electricity. That's no surprise given the number of downed poles and dangling lines around our 'hood. So no electricity until November 22. Lovely. But I have some great news - we still have to boil our water. Oh - and they extended our curfew to 11 pm. Woo hoo!

The courthouses will be closed until after next week. Again, no surprise given all the busted out windows (see photo above) and paperwork strewn all over downtown Fort Lizzle. [Hopefully, my parking ticket is among the missing documents ....]

The lines for gas, water, and ice are simply depressing. Not to worry, though: Sassy is sucking it up and drinking her scotch without ice and without water! That Sassy ... what a trooper!

We've been entertaining ourselves by playing Yahtzee (the series is tied 3-3) and napping. Later on today, we will add to all that excitement by siphoning gas out of our cars to feed the generator. Good times, good times.

If you are planning to send us a care package, please feel free to include any (or all) of the following items (sorted in order of priority):

1. Funyuns;
2. Jamesons;
3. Svedka; and
4. Solar panels (shaving while shivering in an ice cold shower simply sucks!)

Here's an example of the light and power situation around town...

Yep. We'll be grilling our turkey ....

Well, y'all know the drill by now... Cell phone battery running low, and it's time to top off my drink.

Signed,
Shaved Sassy

P.S. Keep an eye on Hurricane Beta!

Tags: Sassy Travels; Hurricane Wilma; Fort Lauderdale

Update From The Wilma-Zone

Hey folks! We're still alive and kicking in the Wilma-Zone (formerly known as Fort Lauderdale). We have tried to upload some photos but they may look fuzzy depending on cell phone service.

"U Loot, We Shoot" is one of our fave photos. Second only to the one I took of my client's office building (see below). Doesn't it look like a small plane flew into it? Needless to say, the sprinkler system went off throughout the rest of the building so no office was spared. Guess I won't be able to work for a while.....Darn.

Well, we have a generator and water service has been restored. All in all, we are better off than pretty much everyone else and we were certainly better prepared. For example, while Sassy has run out of vodka, she rallied by switching to Malibu rum earlier today. Thereafter, she has announced that she will move on to scotch, followed by Mount Gay rum, then gin, and finally, as a last resort, tequila. We figure this will keep her going at least 'til early next week. So there will be no rioting ... yet.

In other, interesting news, Playdough has taken to sleeping in our bed. Apparently, Wilma provided him with a license to chill on 600 thread count sheets. We are not sure what prompted this sudden sense of camaraderie, but we will let it slide for now.

Ok - cell phone battery running low and I think Jeb Bush is flying over so I better get out and flash him! Enjoy the photos! Will post more later!

A Common Scene in the Wilma-Zone

Signed
Sassy Survivor


Tags: Sassy Travels; Hurricane Wilma; Fort Lauderdale

WILMA WOBBLED

From Sassy's point of view right now. Getting hammered during Hurricane Wilma... I mean "by" Hurricane Wilma.

Chicken Choking Condemned!

Well, we knew it would happen sooner or later. Animal rights activists have finally stepped forward to ban chicken choking across the land. Apparently, it was getting ... um ... out of hand.

Concerned about the message conveyed to children by the toy that flaps and squawks when strangled, opponents claim it will encourage kids to test their handy skills on real live animals and then have to face the wrath of an angry pet. Interesting theory, to be sure, but misguided and naive nonetheless. After all, half those kids are gonna choke their chickens with or without exposure to playtime poultry.

Besides, I didn't see anyone stepping up to prohibit My Little Pony sales. I mean, do you have any idea what a real live horse would do to you if you dressed it in a fake grass skirt, glued a bird to its butt, hung a guitar around its neck, and dipped it in purple dye? My friend, the ass-kicking you'd get would be heard around the world. [And then I'd blog it.]

Listen up, white people! If you're really worried about leading the little folk astray, shouldn't you really focus on banning toy soldiers, toy guns, and half the hoochie-mama dolls I see advertised when I'm trying to watch SpongeBob SquarePants? [Seriously, dude. Have y'all seen the Flava dolls?!? If not, I encourage you to read about them here.]

Anyway, before I go off on a total rant, let's pause, reflect, and remember what's really important: It's Saturday morning and my vodka cocktail ain't gonna drink itself. So, I leave you with the words of the "amused and mystified" toymaker, Gary Johnstone, who wondered what all the flap was about. After all, chicken choking is a harmless endeavor and, as Johnstone put it, something that "is used to relieve stress."

Amen, brother. If I had a chicken, I'd choke it right now... you know, just to prove a point.

Signed,
Saucy Sassy

Tags: chicken choking; chicken toy; toys; news; flava doll; animal rights

Sassy Travels Administrative Announcement

New Sassy Features!

If you haven't been exploring this blog, shame on you! In addition to reading our current posts, we encourage you to delve into the awesome archives. But more importantly, be sure to waste some of your valuable time with these new features on Sassy Travels:

• Headline News, with additional sports, entertainment, travel, and quirky news coverage
  
• Interactive Sassy Polls - Cast your vote! These issues are important! Questions change frequently so check back often!
  
• Daily Cartoons
  
• Today in History Factoids
• Daily Horoscopes
• E-Greeting Card Service - Send one today!
  
• Guest Map
  

We deliver these services to entertain our loyal readers (and to further our plan of world domination by causing each of you to get fired from your very grown-up jobs).

Cheers!

Signed,
The Administration

Tags: Sassy Travels

So That's What Happened To Me....

Now y’all know I love reading about new scientific discoveries and advances in modern medicine. I really do. After all, I was the one who told you ladies how to rid yourselves of roaches. And I'm the one who challenged the theory that spineless animals feel no pain. So let me be the first to advise you of the latest news in medicine: husbands make wives sick.

Shocking, I know.

But seriously.... According to Japanese doctors, it's official. They even have a name for it: "RHS". [I think the docs say "RHS" stands for "Retired Husband Syndrome" but I prefer to consider the "R" flexible such that it could stand for other things like "Retarded" or "Rat-bastard". These are just examples.] Anyway, thanks to hanging around her husband, one desperate housewife

developed stomach ulcers, her speech began to slur and rashes broke out around her eyes. When doctors discovered polyps in her throat but could find no medical reason for her sudden burst of ailments, she was referred to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed stress-related RHS.

Jeez-us! I don't know about you all, but when I read that poor woman's symptoms, visions of Linda Blair in The Exorcist came to mind. For real! I mean, that lady's husband must be especially toxic!

Well, vile visions aside, I, for one, am thoroughly thrilled that doctors have finally admitted what I've been saying all along. Y'all have no idea how demoralizing it is to try to tell a team of emergency room physicians what triggered your projectile vomiting, blinding migraines, and uncontrollable urge to scream, only to have them accuse you of being paranoid and vindictive. Take that, you doubting docs! I'm not vindictive, just vindicated.

Anyway, this news is the first step to finding a cure for RHS. Maybe we can finally get federal funding to fight this epidemic. We'll have RHS rallies and we'll sell rubber bracelets and ribbon pins to show our solidarity (is burnt sienna already taken?). We'll march on Capitol Hill. We'll have telethons and marathons and drinkathons. Please, don't let this disease spread!


Who's with me?

Signed,
Sassy Survivor

Tags: retired husband syndrome; medicine; psychiatry; marriage; sassy travels; science

A Post From Playdough, The Cat

Breaking News: Dog Bites Owner

Now, I know what you humans are thinking: "This isn't news. Dogs bite their owners all the time!" And, just this once, I have to agree with you. After all, and as my loyal readers know, I have frequently suggested that canines be exiled from existence. Indeed, when I wrote the screenplay for All Dogs Go To Heaven it had a completely different ending...and a completely different title too, for that matter....


But I digress.

The point is that this is not your average dogbite story, oh no. To wit, as the Associated Press reports:

The author of a new state law that allows felony charges against owners of dangerous dogs was hospitalized over the weekend after his own dog attacked him.

Apparently, the "Anti-Dangerous Dog Bill" was passed in an effort to hold dog owners accountable for the actions of their mangy mongrels. Finally! Do you have any idea how many letters I have sent to my congressman suggesting this very law? Of course, my version was simply titled the "Anti-Dog Bill" .... I am not sure why they added the word "dangerous".....

In any event, one anti-pooch politico, Sen. Sue Wilson Beffort, noted that proponents of the legislation had good intentions when they sought to penalize owners of dogs gone wild. "But I guess when it happens in your own family, that's another story," she said. "That's tragic."

Tragic indeed, dear woman. Tragic indeed. In fact, to paraphrase the venerable Vince Vaughn's character in Dodgeball: Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry you just got bit in the butt by the incisors of irony" card. I'd buy one for sure.

Signed,
Playdough

[Ed. Note: As you all know, the opinions and commentary set forth in the preceding post in no way reflect those of Sassy Travels. We have tried to prevent Playdough's posting on this blog. As you can see, we have failed. For that, we are sorry. However, we would like to point out that we are somewhat impressed by the Senator's use of J-Jive. You go, girl!]

BREAKING NEWS: Beware Of Inner Peace!

[Ed. Note: We found this on our new favorite website: WildMind.]

Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to inner peace and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has up to now been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.

Some signs and symptoms of inner peace:

• A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
• An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
• A loss of interest in judging other people.
• A loss of interest in judging self.
• A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
• A loss of interest in conflict.
• A loss of ability to worry (this is a very serious symptom).
• Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
• Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
• Frequent attacks of smiling.
• An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
• An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

WARNING: If you have some or all of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition of inner peace may be so far advanced as to not be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed at your own risk.

Sassy Travels encourages all of our loyal readers to spend some time on the WildMind website! Enjoy! And ... you're welcome!

Signed
Serene 'n' Sassy


Tags: Sassy Travels

Don't Take Shots From Strangers!

From Sassy's point of view right now.... Clubbing in Lauderdale.

Happy Birthday Sassy!

Yep. Today is the big day. Sassy is officially 39 years old!

Where the hell did the time go?! And why, oh why, did I spend so much of it not having fun? Well, thanks to the Cap'n, I am definitely making up for lost fun time now! No regrets, no commercials! [In case you are new to the Blog, that's J-Jive ... look it up.]

So check this out: According to Tarot.com, my "card of day" is the Queen of Swords. Here is their description of that particular card:

General Meaning: Representing the energy of a Queen, this feminine power was traditionally known as a widow, crone or divorcee. In modern times, she can be viewed as a model of self-sufficiency, independence and intelligence. She often has extremely high standards due to her subtle sensitivities, which can be perceived by those around her as being critical or hard to please. Her true motive is to refine the world, to upgrade peoples' understanding -- so that everyone can have the space they need to become fully themselves.

She is not interested in conforming. She is too intelligent to be confined to the role of housewife or nursemaid, although she is perfectly competent in those areas. She chooses her associations (or her solitude), and is seldom caught up in dependent relationships -- at least not for long. Her intelligence is not always the most comfortable to be around, but she can be counted on to see through superficiality and point to the truth of a situation.

Well ... and some of you know me ... that's friggin' creepy, eh? I mean, seriously, I think that chick in the pic is wearing my crown! [Actually, it's a bucket I stole from The Starboard in Dewey Beach during the summer of '99. It came with a dozen Rolling Rock beers ... and a very cute bartender... but I digress. I got the sword at a flea market in Lancaster, Pa. I think it used to belong to one of those Renaissance Faire dudes.]

Anyway, the point is ... wait ... what is the point?! The point is I am sitting here wasting time talking to you people when I should be out drinking! It's almost 10 a.m. already for cripe's sake!

'Nuff said. It's time to celebrate!

Signed,
Sword-wielding Sassy


Tags: Sassy Travels; tarot

From Sassy's point of view right now. Sitting on the aft deck of our boat, Drifters Escape...in Key West!

Sassy Travel Alert

Well - it's that time again ... Y'all know the routine by now: Sassy travels, and the Cap'n too! This time we're headed to Key West to celebrate birthdays (mine and Barb's). Miss Lala will be accompanying us for the festivities. A good time will be had by all - I guarantee!

If we're lucky, we will run into Coconut Pete while we're down there.

What's that, you say? You don't know who Coconut Pete is?

Well, then. This will give you something to do while we're down in the Keys:

Rent "Broken Lizard's Club Dread"! It's a hysterical spoof of slasher flicks, with some tongue-in-cheek at the expense of Key West icon, Jimmy Buffet. After you have had an opportunity to review the movie, and when you're done giggling, there will be a pop quiz upon my return.

Sample questions include:

• Which came first, Margaritaville or Pina Colada-burg?
• What's the secret ingredient in Coconut Pete's "Coconut Paella"?
• Why is it a bad idea to use a golf cart as a getaway car when a deranged murderer is walking next to you?

And so on.....

Anyway, it's time for Sassy to pay some bills for the next couple of days before all the debauchery down south. ... So, you know, talk amongst yourselves ...

Signed,
Salty Sassy

P.S. If you ever want to know what the weather is like where Sassy travels, check out the weather magnet at the top right-hand side of this page! Just another service brought to you by Sassy Travels (and The Weather Channel)!

Tags: club dread; sassy travels; florida keys; key west; jimmy buffet

A Sassy Travels Administrative Announcement

This Blog = My Real Full Time Job
Dude - could someone please start sending me a paycheck (plus health insurance benefits, a 401k plan, and optional year-end bonus) for doing this bloody Blog?!? Y'all have no idea how much time blogging consumes! My mom thinks I should start a whole new career writing HTML code and tweaking templates to suit different internet browsers ... and I am beginning to agree!

So - I changed the template coding because my parents (and 30% of the rest of you) use Firefox and the Blog wouldn't load properly for them. Then one of the 64% of my readership that still uses Internet Explorer told me she could no longer read the posts. So - I made some more changes. And now, having spent [a conservative estimate of] 19 hours researching CSS template code issues; reading HTML; and repeatedly republishing this template, I think I may have resolved everyone's complaints. [Well ... almost everyone's. ... My dental hygienist still thinks I should floss more and my bank wishes I would stop bouncing checks. Otherwise, I'm good.]

The point is - can't we all just get along? Would everyone please just switch to Firefox already? [There's a convenient button at the bottom of the right side-bar, if you're interested.] Seriously - you will undoubtedly prefer Firefox as a web-browser because it's a) faster; b) more secure; c) fully customizable [Yes, Ben, that is a word...]; and d) full of neat features unavailable on that old dinosaur, Internet Explorer. Also - and more importantly - it would make my life easier [and by "easier" I mean, instead of sitting in front of the computer all day in a coherent state of mind, I would be able to go back to drinking at a reasonable hour in the morning].

In any event, if you are still having problems with the way this page loads in your browser, I would be more than happy to fix it ... right after your check clears and the funds become available in my bank account.

Signed,
Sassy Webmaster


Tags: Sassy Travels; firefox; blog; internet explorer

West Coast Wandering Wisdom

As y'all know, Sassy and the Cap'n just returned from a wonderful 10 day trip out to the West Coast. We flew from Fort Lizzle to Seattle, drove to Anacortes, chartered a yacht, crossed the Puget Sound via the San Juan Islands, and lived on the hook [that means "anchored offshore" for all you landlubbers] for 4 days in lovely Port Townsend during the Wooden Boat Festival. Thereafter, we made our way back to Seattle, where we spent the night before flying down to San Francisco. Our week in San Fran was filled with great trips to Sausalito, Stinson Beach, and the Muir Woods. Near the end of our stay, we traveled out to the Napa Valley area and spent two glorious days in St. Helena.

Without boring you with too many details (and also in the interest of avoiding any inadvertent TMI), here are some general "Do's and Don'ts" for those of you planning a trip to the West Coast:

WEST COAST WANDERING DO's:

1. Do enjoy a picnic at the V. Sattui winery. They have a full Italian deli market (do try the garlic-stuffed olives!) and a great wine-tasting bar with very friendly staff. Also, the grounds are really picturesque, with roses and countless other flowering trees and shrubs in full bloom at this time of year. [NOTE: Post-picnic headstand on the winery's lawn (as performed in the photo by the Cap'n and Jud) is optional and may require the consumption of at least two bottles of Sattui's very excellent Dry Johannisberg Riesling beforehand.]

2. Do spend a night at the Hotel St. Helena on Main Street. Its Victorian quaintness will amuse and delight you. [NOTE: Don't let the countless dolls dangling from the tearoom's ceiling scare you. Ben and I are pretty sure none of them came alive during breakfast.]

3. Do drink as many glasses of Joseph Phelps wine as humanly possible. It's simply DIVINE! [NOTE: If you can, try to get an appointment to visit the winery as well. The view from the back terrace is a tranquil delight, notable for the absence of traffic noise. Check out Ben's photo on the left.]

4. Do eat at Terra Restaurant in St. Helena! After you pass through the flagstone facade of this fancy restaurant, you will be treated to an extraordinarily exquisite meal and spectacular service!

5. Do turn on your boat's radar before crossing the Puget Sound in pea soup fog.

6. Do dine at Adrift in Anacortes. The restaurant is cozy, the food is phenomenal, and you can browse an eclectic assortment of old books while you nosh. Impeccable service too! I mean, our waitress didn't even bat an eyelid at my soot-covered jeans. [NOTE: The soot came from an abandoned tractor I was "driving" earlier on....but that's a whole other post....]

7. Do sample wild blackberries along the roadside in Anacortes......

8. ...Yep ... and do remember to pack Pepto-Bismol. [By the way - if you are already bored with this post - I recommend you visit the Pepto website and create your own nausea-indigestion-diarrhea dance with the cowboy! And no, I didn't make that up.]

9. Do visit the Jeff Leedy art gallery in Sausalito. We promise you will laugh your ass off! Don't forget to give Rex a bellyrub for us!

10. Do count your blessings when standing on the Muir Beach Overlook. We still can't believe the Gov't lets you walk across a long, rickety, wooden path - in gusty winds, I might add - all the way out to the furthest point of the cliff.... If you are brave enough to walk the planks, and then look down, the view at the point is not only breathtaking, it's mess-merizing [as in - I nearly "messed" my pants....but I managed to snap this shot for you guys!]

Ok - so there are a few "Do's" for you. And now let's hit the "Don'ts"...

WEST COAST WANDERING DON'Ts:

1. Don't steal grapes from unknown vineyards as you drive by them in Napa. [NOTE: That just seems like good advice and is in no way indicative of actions taken by yours truly....]

2. Don't drink a Big Gulp before you get onto the Bay Bridge at rush hour.

3. Don't laugh at this guy in Port Townsend....He really can play 4 instruments at the same time and he is truly talented. His music is serene and will put you in a happy trance (especially if you just spent 4 hours in the Beer Garden at the Wooden Boat Festival).

4. Don't buy a four-stroke, 4HP outboard motor. They suck. [Ok - that's not specifically a West Coast travel tip ... It's just general advice. ... Sorry.]

5. Don't go to the Cow Palace [yes - that's the real name] in San Francisco unless you're interested in guns, recreational vehicles, rodeos, and/or attending this year's Exotic Erotic Ball.... [Are we the only ones that found that combination of events weird?]

6. Don't get deceived at Deception Pass in the San Juan Islands. The current RIPS through there!

7. Don't let a friendly waiter (I think Rocky was his name) encourage you to drink 5 "personal pitchers" of beer the night before a 5 a.m. flight. [Personal pitchers look like normal mugs, but they hold 32 ozs of beer.]

And most importantly of all....

8. Don't save any of your wine for friends back home. It never tastes as good as when you drink it in Napa! So, drink up, baby!

Well, we hope you enjoyed these little pieces of advice. Remember [insert legal disclaimer here], we drink a lot and don't always know what we're talking about.

[Ed. Note: A big shout-out and thanks to our hosts: Pete - The Prince of Port Townsend; Jud - The Best Damn Ballon Artist Period; and Rob - The Knight of Nimes. We also send warm greetings to all the friends we made along the way: The Lynch family of Shamrock (we stand ready to crew that yacht for you!); Karin (can't wait 'til you move back to Napa so we can come visit!); Nina (good luck with the "rearrangement"!); Max (remember - real women drink scotch!); Bonnie (incredible olive oil!); and newlyweds-at-70, Bernie & Brenda of Yorkshire, England (congrats again on the nuptials and we look forward to seeing you when your cruise ship arrives in Ft. Lizzle!)]

Tags: Sassy Travels; travel; napa; napa valley; joseph phelps; sattui; st helena; anacortes; deception pass; wine; san francisco; food and wine; restaurants; seattle; fun with a twist

Ladies & Gentlemen Of The Jury...

...That Whooshing Sound You Hear Might Be The Sound Of Justice...

Remember how Sassy told y'all about the Penis Pumping Judge? And how, as a result of his alleged antics of misguided masturbation, he was arrested on charges of indecent exposure? [Ed. Note: If you don't remember - shame on you - and click here].

Well, now it's getting close to trial time and motions in limine are being filed ad nauseum. [Only a lawyer could incorporate two, double-worded, Latin phrases into one simple sentence and then use an editorial aside to explain the unnecessary legalese to death. So, instead of doing that, let's just move on, shall we?....]

The Associated Press reports that the judge presiding over the felonious fondler's trial has recently ruled on whether to allow jurors access to tantalizing tidbits such as: 1) The penis pump in question; 2) Another penis pump [I guess he was a collector?]; and 3) A photo of the jerking jurist's johnson for identification purposes..... [Will there be a line-up?!]

Opposing the prosecutor's efforts to introduce the primary penis pump into evidence, the de-benched defendant's lawyer argued that:

the state should be prevented from submitting the device as evidence, [because] not only did it not function but ... it also was sawed in half while in the state's custody. Prosecutor Pattye High said an Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation chemist followed procedure in sawing the pump in two to swab it for DNA evidence.

Ok - I don't know about you guys but that whole last paragraph made me a little woozy.... And, as loyal readers can guess, it left me with a couple of key questions. Here they are:

1. How do they know the penis pump is broken? Seriously. Whose job was it to try it out? Some first year Assistant District Attorney? Did he have to wear special gear to test the used [yuck] penis pump? Did he conduct more than one test for control purposes? I mean, are we sure it was the pump's fault - cuz, you know, some men "malfunction" all on their own, even with masterful manipulation. I don't know. I need more info.

2. Wouldn't sawing the sex toy in half cause it to malfunction? I mean, are they saying the sucker was screwed up before the sawing, or after? Did they slice it while it was being tested? And if so, is the first year Assistant D.A. OK?

3. Why did they saw it in half again? Oh, right....to swab it for DNA evidence ..... Ok - seriously - my grossometer just pegged out. The whole idea is simply tasteless (kinda like this post). But in case you guys are still gung-ho, let me just say that cutting the thing in half was unnecessary. After all (and the women will agree with me here) there are some pretty long Q-tips in our doctors' offices that the investigator could have used.... [Guys, just think about it - One ... two ... three ... Now you're grossed out, aren't you?]

And finally - - -

4. Do we really need to use the term "in state's custody" when referring to a sex toy? I mean, the images that come to mind are quite confusing, don't you think? Like, by "custody", do they mean the vascular vacuum is in a pair of handcuffs? What if the deviant device was a pair of handcuffs? Then what? Is it simply confined to a room with no meaningful hope of escape. [First year law students will get that one]. Are there guards assigned to keep an eye on it? And if so, how long are the guards'... [get your minds out of the gutter] ... shifts?

I don't know. This whole thing gets weirder and weirder. Especially when you consider that prosecutors propose to play over a hundred hours of courtroom tape recordings so the jury can listen to the sound of the penis pump being used behind the bench during trials. The funny thing about that one is - and you lawyers can help me with the Rules of Evidence here - won't they have to perform a live version for the jurors during the trial so those poor people can properly recognize the sound on the tape? Or is there some other way to authenticate the noise the inflating instrument makes? Like, is there some audio expert out there willing to testify with a reasonable degree of certainty that, in his expert opinion, that whooshing sound you hear is.....Well, you know the rest.

Dude, with all this erotic evidence, the trial promises to be the next best thing to that Jerry Springer Show I watched last night: "My Boyfriend Doesn't Know I'm A High-Priced Ho". I can't wait!

Signed,

Silent Sassy

Tags: sassy travels; jerry springer; penis pump