New Rules For The New Year

[Ed. Note: The following was sent in by one of our many Contributing Correspondents, Bernie. We found it amusing (and generally agreed with most of the suggested rules) and thus, we post it without further ado. Um ... ok ... truth is, we've already started to toast the New Year and we're too drunk ... I mean, busy ... to come up with our own original crap. We did add some Sassy comments, however. Happy friggin' New Year, a'ight?]

New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. [Actually, the captain of my school's football team is not mowing my lawn. My lawn's too good for that jackass. Ever since I caught him cheating on me with my best friend in the back of his car, that is ....]

New Rule #2: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards. [Ugh - don't even get me started!]

New Rule #3: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. [Interesting. Here's a counterpoint directed at you men: Stop waxing your chests. Oh, and shaving your balls is just plain stupid. Just a thought.... ]

New Rule #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. [Ok - I know y'all are thinking that Sassy came up with this one. But I didn't! Needless to say, I concur wholeheartedly!]

New Rule #5: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. [This is so true! And while we're at it, why is my scotch bottle so hard to open?! That perforated metal cap is beginning to piss me off! Why can't I just buy scotch in a pop-top can?]

New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. [Seriously, though. Why does scotch have to come in a bottle? Can't they just ship it to me in the keg? I'm not picky.]

New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! [Hold on, I think I'm onto something with this whole "whiskey in a pop-top can" idea. I'll be right back. I have a phone call to make to Jameson ....]

New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. [Ok, I'm back. Did someone say "high"?]

New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." [So, I was talking to the people at Jameson and they said they can't ship me the scotch in a keg because of customs laws. Darn. Oh well, so much for that idea ...]

New Rule #10: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. [Lala likes M&Ms ...]

New Rule #11: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. [Lala likes to buy M&Ms at the Cineplex ...]

New Rule #12: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. [Ya know, I can't remember the last time I went to the Cineplex with Lala. We probably ate M&Ms though ...]

New Rule #13: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months - "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place. [You know what? Maybe they can ship me the scotch in a ziploc bag! My god! I'm a freaking genius! Thank goodness I have Jameson on speed dial! I'll be right back ....]

... .... ... ....

[crickets chirping ... at length]

... .... ... ....

[A Note from the Administration: Um ... well, Sassy never did come back. Obviously our head writer lost interest in this post at some point. Her mind wanders. For that, we apologize. In any event, we wish all of our loyal readers all the best for 2006 and hope to see you back here again ... in spite of our head writer's random ramblings. Happy New Year, y'all!]

Signed,
The Folks At Sassy Travels

Tags: Sassy Travels

More Bar Exam Blues ....

[Ed. Note: This was sent by a loyal reader in California, AnkleBone, who submitted it in the comments section of one of our posts. As some of you may not read the comments, we thought we'd share it with you on a main page. Thanks for thinking of us, Boney!]

Hi Sass -

Seein' as how you're a lawyer lady and all, I thought you might get a kick out of what a columnist in a local rag here in SF reported this morning - reminded me of the great post you wrote about your bar exam travails... Thanks for making me smile almost every day - keep up the great stuff!

By P.J. Corkery
Published: Tuesday, December 6, 2005 11:39 PM PST
From The Examiner San Francisco

Some of us really flub. Dig this: Kathleen Sullivan, who had been dean of Stanford Law School, just flunked the California Bar exam! That’s right, Dean Sully, for 25 years a top constitutional lawyer who had often been mentioned as a possible U.S. Supreme Court nominee — flunked the bar exam!

This news comes as part of a Wall Street Journal story last Monday, on, not surprisingly, how tough the California Bar exam is, even for top lawyers like the eminently respectable and brilliant Dean Sully. She’s in good company. The Journal reports that Jerry Brown failed on his first try many years ago. And former Gov. Pete Wilson had to take the exam four times.

Sullivan, a Harvard Law grad, is licensed to practice law in Massachusetts and New York, but those tickets are no good in the Golden State. So, after leaving Stanford to practice with a Los Angeles firm, she took the grueling three-day exam last July. … The Journal speculates that Dean Sully, under the pressure of business, didn’t spend enough time prepping the more arcane of the 15 areas of the law that the exam covers. She’ll try again. …

The record for flops followed by a win goes to Maxcy Dean File of Compton, who took the exam 47 times before passing in 1991. … Meanwhile, down on The Farm they’re trying to figure out who leaked the confidential info about the dean’s flub.

[Sassy says: Well, it proves my point, eh? Bar exams are a complete and utter waste of time. And money. But y'all knew that ...]

Tags: Sassy Travels; Bar exam; California bar; law

Christmas Card Calamity

So, apparently, people don't send Christmas cards anymore. And that's fine by me.

Seriously - it's four days 'til Christmas and I count 6 cards on our table. [Thanks to the Cap'n's parents, Ed, Jules, Debbie, Barb, and the fine folks from our fave Chinese take-out, who also sent us a lovely calendar featuring photos of (possibly underaged) girls.] Did we receive more cards last year? Sure. Does the decline in deliveries depress us? Um ... to be honest ... no.

I mean, while I enjoy receiving seasons greetings, I'm always at a loss as to what to do with the cards after the holidays: Do I save them all? Or do I only save the ones I like? Do I have to send reciprocal cards next year? Or can I pretend the postman lost certain ones? And then there's the cards that are actually family photos ... Hmmm ... I most certainly will go to hell if I use those as kindling on bonfire night, right? It's such a Christmas conundrum.

Well, in case you're wondering, you won't be getting a card from us this year. I could come up with a zillion excuses like lack of time or lack of money, but the truth is it's just lack of motivation. I mean, y'all know we love you and think about you all the time, right? So there's really no point slapping a stamp on a store-bought salutation, right? But hey - if it will make you feel better, here:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
From all of us here at Sassy Travels

A Tale Of Two Nickis: Kidman & Keith Knotted?

According to Star Magazine, [Yeah right ... like you don't read the tabloids...] Aussie country crooner, Keith Urban, and Cruise castoff, Nicole Kidman might be getting married this week in Vegas. [There go the Cap'n's chances with her....]

Well, at least Keith's consistent: He likes 'em tall, leggy, and blonde .... and, apparently, named Nick. [That's a pic of Urban's ex, super model, Niki Taylor, hereinafter referred to as "Nick 1".]

In a trade most men might consider questionable, the Urban cowboy broke up with the 29 year old "Nick 1" a few months ago and quickly popped the question to "Nick 2" this past Thanksgiving. The impending nuptials will be in the nick of time, given that "Nick 2" is pushing 40 and said to be dying to have her own (as opposed to, adopted) kids. And hey - at least he doesn't have to worry about calling her by the wrong nickname in bed .... So another blonde bites the bullet and corrals a country singer. Here's hoping this one's not a fraud ....

Well, Sassy has to go shopping .... In the words of the original Nick, "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Signed,
Sassy Santa

Tags: Sassy Travels; Keith Urban; Nicole Kidman; Niki Taylor; news; entertainment

Who Who Who's Got The Hooch?

So - this little fella, a Screech Owl, was found in a family's Christmas tree. When experts from a nearby wildlife sanctuary came to take the owl away, they discovered that the little dude was wasted. Yep ... you heard me .... The bird, now known as "Cheech", was wasted on wacky weed.

"Curiously enough, the owl's feathers smelled very, very potently like marijuana," said Jeff Dering, of the sanctuary. "They examined the owl, looked at its eyes, ... and the owl was, in the vernacular, stoned."

Curious enough, indeed. Interestingly, there is no explanation as to how the hooter got high, but we do know this: The folks who owned the Christmas tree in which Cheech the Screech was chillin' had the tree for 5 days before they decided to decorate it ... ... Five whole days, eh? Gee ... I wonder what they were up to ... ?

The following quote from Garden State comes to mind:

Mark's Mom: Oh ... guys? Don't stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector; it was beeping all night.

Well, the good news is that Cheech will be released from rehab in a few days. Whether he will heed his counselor's advice and stay away from gateway drugs is another matter entirely.

Signed,
Smoky Sassy

[Ed. Note: Sorry for the unannounced hiatus but Sassy travels, and the Cap'n too. We just got back from the Bahamas! Sassy sends a shout out to the Brown family and Maurice and Rose and Carlos! We had a blast - even when we didn't get served!]

Tags: Sassy Travels; news; owl; marijuana

Man Rapes Co-Eds, Leaves Phone Number

So - after sexually assaulting two college students in Orlando - the tech-savvy rapist programmed his phone number into the victims' cell phones and left. [Needless to say, he was later apprehended after answering a call ... from a cop ....]

This has to go into the "What Was He Thinking?" category of the annals of dumb criminals. Like - was this guy really expecting a phone call requesting an encore?

But here's my real concern: Is he "in network"? I mean, if I actually phone him to praise his pistol performance, will it cut into my "roll-over" minutes? Should I call after "peak" hours or does he qualify under my "any time" plan? I'm confused .... as usual .....

Signed,
Cellular Sassy

Tail-Gaping Trailer Towed

This lovely vehicle, which was strategically parked across the street from the Tampa Bay Bucs stadium during the Bears game last week, was impounded by police on Monday. Turns out it was a mobile strip club!

The exotic and erotic entertainment came to an end, however, when undercover cops boarded the bus and busted the busty babes.

At this time, we do not know if the arrests were made before or after the $40 lap dances.

Hey - I personally applaud the dudes who came up with the idea of a Tail-Gating Trailer for Tail-Gaping in Tampa. Respect. For real. I guess they broke some law though. Too bad.