Another Burning Question.....

"Where the hell am I?"

This is a mystery. Apparently, according to my Wenger watch, it's 9:45 a.m. on Saturday, May 28. And I'm awake. That's weird. And, judging by my ability to see more than 10 feet in front of me, I've only had one Bloody Mary. Hmmm. Time to assess my surroundings and try to figure this shit out.

Ok - there are lots of people around and no-one's dressed in black so, I'm neither at a funeral nor in New York City. But I am in line for something [and, no, Jazzy and Reebster, it's not an Israeli DJ playing in the basement of a club in Manhattan.....]. Hold on a sec! I see that Dan Marino is also standing in line, about 2 people ahead of me [for real!], waiting to get into some sort of auditorium. Ok - that only happens in South Florida. Narrowing it down here. Also, there's a parking lot full of Beemers, Benzes, Hummers, Rovers, Infinitis and Lexus 300s [and, oh yeah, one dirty Jeep Wrangler with Spongebob Squarepants dangling from the rearview mirror].....Well, hell, I'm clearly at a high school graduation in North Broward!

And then it all comes back to me.....[insert swirly flashback visual here and cut to the following conversation]:

Sassy: I can't decide what to wear to your graduation, dude.

Nizzle: Um - clothes would be good.

Sassy: Dammit. I was thinking bikini and board shorts.

Nizzle: Yeah right.

Sassy: Ok - how 'bout my "White Trash" t-shirt? [A gift from Jazzy. She loves me.]

Nizzle: Um .... no.

Sassy: Ok - how 'bout my "Black Power" tank top?

Nizzle: Um .... no.

Sassy: The "Down With Whitey" one?

Nizzle: Look. You can wear whatever you want. I just may never speak to you again. So pick accordingly....

Sassy: Fine. What are you writing on your cap?

Nizzle: Huh?

Sassy: You gotta write something on your cap in Wite-Out or Liquid Paper, or whatever it is you kids use these days.

Nizzle: For real? What should I write?

Sassy: I don't know. "Wordsworth rulz" or something. I wrote, "Thanks Mom & Dad" on my law school grad cap.

Add the above dialogue to the fact that Nizzle's mom is crying to my left and I realize the answer to the Burning Question: Yeah - I am definitely at Nizzle's Graduation [Congrats Class of '05]. And can I just tell you, it was a fricking hoot!

First of all, don't worry. Despite my teasing, and because I love him, I actually settled on a nice pair of linen, pin-striped (and cuffed!) slacks, with a dark green safari jacket. I figured the quasi-militant look, coupled with my natural "tan" would get the "Fight The Power" message across to all the richies. [Actually, it's my newest outfit and I'd been dying to wear it. I'm not that activist, sorry.....]. And after only one costume change, Ben was appropriately attired in a navy blazer, Joseph A. Banks shirt, and tan slacks. Damn - we looked like yuppies. Oh well. Next thing you know, we are standing in line with Marino, waiting to see Nizzle complete the first of many rites of passage to come.

We find our seats and, now that I am almost 100% conscious, I take in my surroundings. The guy seated in front of us says "Hi" to Nizzle's mom and they have a brief chit chat. Then, his wife returns and goes off [and I do mean "goes off"] on him, apparently because he took her seat....Um...huh? Oooookaaay. So he gets up and moves four seats down on the other side of their kids, per wifey's instructions. During that maneuver, hubby makes some ill-advised comment under his breath to which his "lady" responds by flamboyantly (and vehemently) flipping him the bird, stretching her arm across the faces of the children now sitting between them. Wow. And people say rich blondes aren't classy!

I read the program and notice, to my relief, that Nizzle's name is actually on the list of graduating seniors. Apparently, my priceless homework assistance (and, in particular, the William Wordsworth project) paid off. Actually, my homework assistance wasn't exactly priceless. Nizzle paid the price in many ways: washing my Jeep; mowing the lawn; trimming the hedges; looking after Sam and Playdough; setting up my wireless print server, etc. Damn! Who's gonna do all that shit now that he's graduating?!?

Alright - back to the matter at hand. "Pomp & Circumstance" is ringing out and the seniors are slowly filing into the auditorium. And 194 students later, there's Nizzle! [Having a last name beginning with the letter "Z" is a bitch...] As Nizzle takes his seat, it becomes apparent that his cap looks different from all the others. Slowly, a buzz builds as people whisper, "What is that on his cap?" Ahhh.....it's good to stand out.


Nizzle's cap. It's true - Wordsworth rulz!

Now, having seen this masterpiece, I'm thinking I might need to borrow some of Nizzle's mom's tissues. What a cool dude!

Anyway, we sit through a bunch of presentations, awards, choir songs, etc. Next thing you know, the nice Jewish lady in front of us puts on her orange suede jacket with sequins [I can't make that shit up], and it's time for:

The.......... school................ president's............. speech.

Holy shit. It took forEVER! Seriously. During the speech, I was able to finish that New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle I'd been struggling with since June 1985; Ben designed and built a monohull sailboat for the next America's Cup; Playdough and Sam resolved their differences; the Federal Reserve cut interest rates; Sassy's blood alcohol level dipped below 1.9; the Michael Jackson jury returned a "not guilty" verdict; the Rolling Stones retired; a Democrat was voted into the White House; and my ex-husband, Norman, made a decision. It was one LONG ass speech, dude.

We survived.

Finally, Nizzle takes the stage to get his diploma and we hoot and holler. [Ben wouldn't let me yell out "Yo, my Nizzle!". I guess that was good advice.] Nizzle's mom cries some more. And we go to lunch at Fridays where, thankyoujesus, they serve alcohol.

In all seriousness, it was a good time. Some of the school president's jokes were funny; the choir was pretty good; the baby pictures of the seniors were adorable. And now - my boy, my Nizzle, one of my very best friends (even though we met less than two years ago), well - he's a bona fide high school graduate. And now - I have four years to plan what to wear to his graduation from Auburn. Congrats, Nizzle. [Seriously- who IS gonna wash the Jeep now?]

Signed,

Slightly Sad Sassy

Heat Repeat!

And proving that the last win in Miami wasn't a fluke, the Heat fend off Detroit and are now the proud owners of a perfect road record (5-0).

Woo hoo!

Now the real fun begins!

Sunday Afternoon Happy Hour

So last night, as I was hanging out with the boys from Snow Patrol and Athlete, I was thinking to myself.....

Who am I kidding....I can't pretend to act all cool and nonchalant about this! Last night...I was TOTALLY HANGING OUT WITH THE BOYS FROM SNOW PATROL AND ATHLETE!!! Ohmigod!!!!!!!! How frigging awesome!


Snow Patrol

Loyal readers, I am so happy to report that music is alive and well (and, apparently, living in the U.K.)! Thanks to our dear friend (and world famous photographer), MJ, we scored a couple of tickets to the Culture Room, where the aforementioned bands delighted hundreds of adoring fans with their sublime, surreal, sweet and sassy sounds. And Sassy was standing in the front row, holding onto the edge of the stage, in complete and utter ecstasy! Thank you, Michael Joseph!

There's no point trying to describe the kickass music these lads produce...you simply must listen to it for yourself. It will change your life, I swear. Seriously - go download their albums right now, put on "Wires" by Athlete or "Run" by Snow Patrol, and come back to this page to continue reading my blather.

Back already?

Ok - so here's what happened. We got to the venue early and decided to pop over to the Irish pub for a couple of drinks before claiming our tickets. Two scotches and a couple of Bass ales later, we got in line, just ahead of a fun group of kids from Chicago, who are crisscrossing the country to follow the bands. (Kids still do that! Who knew?) Having only recently discovered Snow Patrol myself, I was delighted to hear these diehard fans promising me an excellent show.

"If you like Snow Patrol on CD, you're gonna LOVE them live!" they all exclaimed. "And the opening band ROCKS!" they added.

"Really?" I respond. "Who is opening for them?"

"ATHLETE!!!!!!!!!" they practically scream at my head, as if I just fell off the turnip truck. Then they proceeded to list all the other bands I should be listening to, including Embrace and Idlewild. By this point, I am thoroughly excited and giggling with the girls in glee as the band members stroll past us (apparently heading to Target for a last minute shopping spree before the show).

Finally, we get into the club. By the way - a GREAT setting for concerts. No bad seats in the house, as they say. (Actually - there really aren't any seats at all). I immediately buy a Snow Patrol t-shirt, whip my own blouse off, and - in a total, unabashed groupie move - put on the SP top. Oh, and once we got inside - more good news - they have a bar within 10 paces of the stage. Now, y'all just know Sassy was in heaven!

Ben and I work our way to the front and park at the edge of the stage. And then, Athlete comes out and rocks my world. After they sweep me off my feet, Snow Patrol saunters out and simply KICKS MAJOR ASS! [Again - there's no point trying to describe the quality and caliber of the music from these two bands. By now, you should be listening to "El Salvador" by Athlete or "Chocolate" by SP]. Ben and I dance, sing, hug, laugh, sing, dance, drink, laugh....it was a great show. The bands totally engage the audience and make you feel like they dropped everything just to come and sing for you...and you get the feeling they're happy, inspired, and honored to be doing so.

Ok - so the show ends, as shows tend to do. And we head back over to the bar (because my Chicago posse told me they heard the word on the street...and the word was that the bands were heading over there after the gig). Sure enough, the bands enter and the crowd goes wild. Ok - no one went wild - but there was much love. One thing leads to another and next thing you know [and some of you do know what happens when I am out in public], I have a tab at the bar, acccessible to anyone who knows the password (last night it was Nicholas Gemini - don't ask) and me, the Chicago posse, and the bands, are partying it up. The good news is, Ben tells me my tab was only $90. Apparently, one of the guys from Athlete was buying my drinks...ROCK ON!

The hours go by, I have these deep, heartfelt conversations with Stephen (drummer - Athlete) and Gary (lead singer - SP), I drink some more scotches, I high-five the girls from Chicago, and I kill all the brain cells that were actually recording the conversations I was having. Oh well. The good news is that Ben said I looked like I was having a blast and one of the guys from the band came over and told him he had a great gal. So there.

Anyway - it was a wonderful show - even if Ben and I were like the oldest people there. I love my new t-shirt. Gonna go put it on right now.

Snow Patrol and Athlete RULE!!!!!!!!

Signed,

Slightly Hungover Sassy

P.S. Stayed tuned for Nizzle's Graduation story....

Associated Press: Is Viagra Causing Some Men To Go Blind?

Sex Drug's Side Effect Stuns Sight Suffering Studs

Come on, white people! Y'all know that drugs don't blind people; masturbation does.....

The Countdown Has Begun!

It's true. Sassy Travels is pleased to provide our football fans with the countdown to the start of NFL Regular Season (see the lefthand side of the home page). [Ed. note: We were gonna provide the countdown to preseason but realized that at some point every year, during preseason, Eagles fans inevitably say, "Well - at least this doesn't count." So.....] Anyway, even though basketball playoffs are fun...we can't wait 'til the one and only true American sport returns!

GO EAGLES!

By the way - in case you care about other real sports: Barbadian cricketers, Westside Cavaliers, suffered a mild setback in Fort Lauderdale last Sunday, losing to Oswald Park II, by just two wickets in the limited overs match. Floyd Ingram tendered a resounding 44 runs for the Jamaican team, while Clint Corbin headed up the Cavaliers offense with 25. Even though the Cavaliers seemed to start the day with confidence and strong batting, it seems they lacked the arm of their star, award-winning bowler, David Brathwaite, when the time came to dispatch their opponents. As a result of the disappointing performance, the Cavs have slipped to seventh in the division standings and will have to tap into that Bajan pride if they want to gain ground before season's end.

GO WESTSIDE CAVS!

[Another Ed. note: Yes, readers, Sassy is a British/Bajan and therefore, obviously, likes cricket. Luckily, that wonderful sport of gentlemen is played right across the street from our house on summer Sundays with teams made up of Caribbean ex-pats like Sassy. It's truly a delight to see them in their cricket whites....]


The only sport where they stop for tea...So civilized!

So, good news: the NFL countdown is up and Florida cricket is in season! Good times! Good times!

P.S. Dear T.O.: You better get your shit together if you want to play with my Eagles! I know you will. After all, if Ricky Williams can come back to the Dolphins...and a kiss can turn a frog into a king....well, anything's possible. I'm a believer.

Signed,
Sassy Smoocher

Heat vs. Pistons: Game Two

Just You WADE and See!


A Re-Ignited Heat!

Ha haaaaaaaaaaaaa! Now that was entertainment! What a game! At some point near the end of the third quarter, Ben and I divided our psychic labors such that he was in charge of Heat Offense and I was in charge of Heat Defense. For any of you skeptics out there that think we didn't make a difference - I challenge you to compare the stats from the first 3 quarters with those of the final one.....[and then get back to me, cuz I'm not sure what those stats will reveal. I'm pretty sure we helped though....]

Anyway, here's what I learned about the NBA tonight:

1. Basketball is NOT a contact sport. Fouls because of "knees" and "pushing" and "blocking"??? Um - how else do you people execute a proper defense? I guess I'm too used to watching a sport where chop blocks and fingers to the eye are fairly common....Ben's theory re: the NBA and its contact penalties?: "Touch the other person as much as you can 'til you get caught." Of course, that's also his theory re: other things....

2. Hamilton's mask is filled with soluble steroids. Seriously, someone should test it. I mean, during the first half, Hamilton was hitting so many baskets, I became convinced he'd sold his soul to the devil. Naturally, I counteracted with my own satanic pact...and hence, the final outcome in favor of Miami. But, really...how much do we know about Hamilton's mask?

3. TNT doesn't give a shit about basketball. They just care about numbers and sponsors. Otherwise, why else would they split screen during a free throw attempt and over-dub with audio about some new stupid series called "The Closer"?

4. I am a Hi-Def Ho. Dude - if you don't have Hi-Def, you don't know what you're missing. More importantly, and specifically in regard to Item # 3 above, you don't know what you CAN miss. The ability to pause, fast forward, instant replay, etc.....well, let's just say the whole reason we went Hi-Def was for Football Season (which can't get here soon enough!). Since going Hi-Def, I have caught myself watching the oddest of programs - just because they were broadcast in Hi-Def! Like, I watched an entire show about the migration of birds from the Artic to the South Pole! I mean, there wasn't a single human in the whole program...and no sex, guns, bloody murders, or laser beams, or anything! Can you imagine?! Anyway, Hi-Def on plasma RULES! Thank you, Dell!

Ok - that's all I have for tonight's game.

LET'S GO HEAT!!!

Signed,

Sassy from South F-L-A

P.S. Um....is it just me or was it fairly obvious that Carrie would win American Idol when, right before the announcement, Fox aired a huge NASCAR commercial? Vonzell was robbed....

It's Not Delivery; It's Da Jail Time

"Crazy Old Coot" Arrested For 911 Calls About Pizza Delivery

Now, this is priceless. An 86 year old Granny, allegedly described as a "crazy old coot" by a pizza parlor worker, called 911 about twenty times within a half hour to complain that the pizza parlor refused to deliver her pie. And then, when the cops came to arrest Granny for abusing the emergency call system, she (in all her 5 foot tall, 96 pound glory) "attacked" the male officer, scratching, kicking, and biting. Man - she wanted some pizza bad, eh? It must be wicked good pie...



Now, y'all know I don't condone violence (except in special circumstances, usually involving ex-husbands), but I do understand Granny's behavior in this instance. I mean, there have been times when I myself was tempted to call up the National Guard to go in search of my chinese food. And hey - at least Granny's calls were about a legitimate problem...unlike the 911 calls made by a certain "Runaway Bride"....By the way - that crazy bitch got indicted today and I hope she either gets jail time or has to pay hefty fines. After all, if she was having second thoughts about marrying the dude, there were plenty other ways to handle it.

For starters, she could have called me. I would have given her the old "Triple S" treatment ("Standard Sassy Suggestions") as follows:

1. So you think you may not want to get married on Saturday? No problem. Go get pissed drunk immediately. The hangover you'll have tomorrow will make marriage seem easy.

2. Now that he's a born-again Christian, you think he isn't the party-boy he used to be when you got engaged? No problem. Go get pissed drunk immediately. Maybe seeing you passed out diagonally across the bed will remind him of the good times you used to have together.

3. He says you can't have sex anymore until after the wedding? No problem. Go get pissed drunk immediately. And then after the wedding, tell him that you've decided that abstinence really isn't that bad after all. That's what I call the Win-Win Kicker: He can't fault you for following a discipline he himself encouraged and you don't have to sleep with this bait-and-switch loser who will probably prematurely ejaculate on your wedding night anyway..... [Oh my!.....I apologize for that.....I...uh....I don't know where that came from.....Let's move on....]

4. You're worried what people will think about you if you call off the wedding? No problem. Go get pissed drunk immediately...and then, just stay that way. I think you'll find that you no longer give a rat's ass what anyone thinks, let alone 600 people you hardly know but invited to your wedding. You may still have to return the gifts though. Then again, if you get drunk enough, you can tell people you don't remember them giving you a gift.....[Faked memory loss is a wonderful tool, under-utilized by most.]

Speaking of memory loss - I can't remember what the original point of this post was....For some reason, I'm thinking Julia Roberts....Oh, right, I was talking about Runaway Brides and Mystic Pizza.....[Did y'all see that coming? I sure as hell didn't....]

Anyway, I bet Granny gets her pizza fix now. After all, they probably deliver to the police station all the time....

Signed,

Sausages 'n' Sweet Peppers Sassy

Toyota: Oh What A Cramped Feeling!

Woman Arrested For Driving Overcrowded Car

Those darned circus clowns.....

Seriously, though: Nine people in a Toyota Corolla (including two in the trunk which, by the way, was closed)! Maybe she was trying to set a record? [Someone should have told her it's a phone-booth you're supposed to stuff, not an economy-sized sedan designed by Asians....]



Or maybe she was filming a commercial for Toyota? You know, something along the lines of: "The New Corolla: Fuel Efficient and Roomy!" or "Toyota: The Leader In Com-Packed Cars!"

[It's incidents like this that make me want to run away from the circus....]

Heat vs. Pistons: Game One

Ahh - the agony of defeat. Wade couldn't hit the broadside of a barn and the rest of the team seemed somewhat anemic. What happened? Was it too much time off? Rust? The choke factor? Or are the Pistons just that damned good? Who knows.


Yep. Losing sucks.

Anyway, rather than focus on this stinging loss, I want to draw your attention to a few other things:

1. Kudos to Charles Barkley for wearing a BLUE suit! What was up with the Tan Tan Club (as I started calling the other three commentators)? Don't they have a production assistant or some other roadie to say, "Um...fellas? Y'all realize you are basically wearing the same outfit, right? I mean....you look retarded"? Aren't they married? Don't they have girlfriends? Cuz after all, any woman will tell you - don't get caught dead in the same dress as some other ho at the party. Ben pointed out that Magic was actually wearing a three piece suit. This is true. However, it was still all TAN!

2. NBA commentators suck and don't teach me anything about the game. It's true. If you're in the kitchen adding an ice cube to your scotch and can't see the TV screen, you have no godly idea of what's going on with the game. It seems to me that no one is actually calling the game. No play-by-play. Everyone is a fricking color commentator. [And, apparently, the color is tan]. And they never explain the penalties. At one point, I actually had to look up the 3 second violation on the Internet to figure out what the hell was going on! I mean, in the interest of cultivating fans, I think the commentators should explain some of the game's nuances to NBA neophytes like myself. After all, almost everything I know about the NFL I learned from Al Michaels, Frank Gifford, Boomer Esaison, Pat Summerall, and [God help me] John Madden [John taught me that turnovers are bad and the team with the most points at the end of the game wins]. Oh well - maybe the guys over at YouveGottaLoveSports.com can post a primer on penalties in the NBA section of their website so I can refer to it during Game 2.

3. Would someone please tell me what's up with Phantom of the Opera dude? I keep waiting for the commentators to bring us up to speed on Hamilton's mask but....well, see Item 2 above. I mean, I assumed he had a broken facial bone or something, but as far as I can remember [and yes, that's not far] Hamilton was wearing that thing last year as well...so wouldn't a fracture have healed by now? I dunno...there's got to be more to it. I am sure someone can enlighten me....(Kif?)

4. Miami Heat fans are truly a cohesive unit. I've been to dozens of basketball games over the years in places like Seattle, Philadelphia, New York (and even Puerto Rico) but I've never seen a home crowd quite like the Miami one. We went to several games at the Triple A last season and it was a blast! The music is rocking, the fans are rocking, it's crazy! I mean, Miami fans take a theme and run with it! Last year it was Back in Black; this year it's The Red Zone. So many red shirts it looks like the stands are empty! Miami fans follow every move on the court; they are into the game for every second. And let's not overlook a BenJo favorite: Heat Jam Junior! Those kids ROCK OUT! Woo hoo! Jam Jr.! Yeah! You go, kids![Um...I guess you kinda have to be there....] Anyway, even if you're not really a Heat fan, you've gotta admire the Heat fans....

Well, that's all I have to say about Game 1. Here's to a better outcome [for Miami] in Game 2.....

Signed,

Sassy Sportsfan

Teacher Drops The Ball

Math Test Fumbles Football Question

This is why math teachers make lousy football coaches.