Heat vs. Pistons: Game Two

Just You WADE and See!


A Re-Ignited Heat!

Ha haaaaaaaaaaaaa! Now that was entertainment! What a game! At some point near the end of the third quarter, Ben and I divided our psychic labors such that he was in charge of Heat Offense and I was in charge of Heat Defense. For any of you skeptics out there that think we didn't make a difference - I challenge you to compare the stats from the first 3 quarters with those of the final one.....[and then get back to me, cuz I'm not sure what those stats will reveal. I'm pretty sure we helped though....]

Anyway, here's what I learned about the NBA tonight:

1. Basketball is NOT a contact sport. Fouls because of "knees" and "pushing" and "blocking"??? Um - how else do you people execute a proper defense? I guess I'm too used to watching a sport where chop blocks and fingers to the eye are fairly common....Ben's theory re: the NBA and its contact penalties?: "Touch the other person as much as you can 'til you get caught." Of course, that's also his theory re: other things....

2. Hamilton's mask is filled with soluble steroids. Seriously, someone should test it. I mean, during the first half, Hamilton was hitting so many baskets, I became convinced he'd sold his soul to the devil. Naturally, I counteracted with my own satanic pact...and hence, the final outcome in favor of Miami. But, really...how much do we know about Hamilton's mask?

3. TNT doesn't give a shit about basketball. They just care about numbers and sponsors. Otherwise, why else would they split screen during a free throw attempt and over-dub with audio about some new stupid series called "The Closer"?

4. I am a Hi-Def Ho. Dude - if you don't have Hi-Def, you don't know what you're missing. More importantly, and specifically in regard to Item # 3 above, you don't know what you CAN miss. The ability to pause, fast forward, instant replay, etc.....well, let's just say the whole reason we went Hi-Def was for Football Season (which can't get here soon enough!). Since going Hi-Def, I have caught myself watching the oddest of programs - just because they were broadcast in Hi-Def! Like, I watched an entire show about the migration of birds from the Artic to the South Pole! I mean, there wasn't a single human in the whole program...and no sex, guns, bloody murders, or laser beams, or anything! Can you imagine?! Anyway, Hi-Def on plasma RULES! Thank you, Dell!

Ok - that's all I have for tonight's game.

LET'S GO HEAT!!!

Signed,

Sassy from South F-L-A

P.S. Um....is it just me or was it fairly obvious that Carrie would win American Idol when, right before the announcement, Fox aired a huge NASCAR commercial? Vonzell was robbed....

It's Not Delivery; It's Da Jail Time

"Crazy Old Coot" Arrested For 911 Calls About Pizza Delivery

Now, this is priceless. An 86 year old Granny, allegedly described as a "crazy old coot" by a pizza parlor worker, called 911 about twenty times within a half hour to complain that the pizza parlor refused to deliver her pie. And then, when the cops came to arrest Granny for abusing the emergency call system, she (in all her 5 foot tall, 96 pound glory) "attacked" the male officer, scratching, kicking, and biting. Man - she wanted some pizza bad, eh? It must be wicked good pie...



Now, y'all know I don't condone violence (except in special circumstances, usually involving ex-husbands), but I do understand Granny's behavior in this instance. I mean, there have been times when I myself was tempted to call up the National Guard to go in search of my chinese food. And hey - at least Granny's calls were about a legitimate problem...unlike the 911 calls made by a certain "Runaway Bride"....By the way - that crazy bitch got indicted today and I hope she either gets jail time or has to pay hefty fines. After all, if she was having second thoughts about marrying the dude, there were plenty other ways to handle it.

For starters, she could have called me. I would have given her the old "Triple S" treatment ("Standard Sassy Suggestions") as follows:

1. So you think you may not want to get married on Saturday? No problem. Go get pissed drunk immediately. The hangover you'll have tomorrow will make marriage seem easy.

2. Now that he's a born-again Christian, you think he isn't the party-boy he used to be when you got engaged? No problem. Go get pissed drunk immediately. Maybe seeing you passed out diagonally across the bed will remind him of the good times you used to have together.

3. He says you can't have sex anymore until after the wedding? No problem. Go get pissed drunk immediately. And then after the wedding, tell him that you've decided that abstinence really isn't that bad after all. That's what I call the Win-Win Kicker: He can't fault you for following a discipline he himself encouraged and you don't have to sleep with this bait-and-switch loser who will probably prematurely ejaculate on your wedding night anyway..... [Oh my!.....I apologize for that.....I...uh....I don't know where that came from.....Let's move on....]

4. You're worried what people will think about you if you call off the wedding? No problem. Go get pissed drunk immediately...and then, just stay that way. I think you'll find that you no longer give a rat's ass what anyone thinks, let alone 600 people you hardly know but invited to your wedding. You may still have to return the gifts though. Then again, if you get drunk enough, you can tell people you don't remember them giving you a gift.....[Faked memory loss is a wonderful tool, under-utilized by most.]

Speaking of memory loss - I can't remember what the original point of this post was....For some reason, I'm thinking Julia Roberts....Oh, right, I was talking about Runaway Brides and Mystic Pizza.....[Did y'all see that coming? I sure as hell didn't....]

Anyway, I bet Granny gets her pizza fix now. After all, they probably deliver to the police station all the time....

Signed,

Sausages 'n' Sweet Peppers Sassy

Toyota: Oh What A Cramped Feeling!

Woman Arrested For Driving Overcrowded Car

Those darned circus clowns.....

Seriously, though: Nine people in a Toyota Corolla (including two in the trunk which, by the way, was closed)! Maybe she was trying to set a record? [Someone should have told her it's a phone-booth you're supposed to stuff, not an economy-sized sedan designed by Asians....]



Or maybe she was filming a commercial for Toyota? You know, something along the lines of: "The New Corolla: Fuel Efficient and Roomy!" or "Toyota: The Leader In Com-Packed Cars!"

[It's incidents like this that make me want to run away from the circus....]

Heat vs. Pistons: Game One

Ahh - the agony of defeat. Wade couldn't hit the broadside of a barn and the rest of the team seemed somewhat anemic. What happened? Was it too much time off? Rust? The choke factor? Or are the Pistons just that damned good? Who knows.


Yep. Losing sucks.

Anyway, rather than focus on this stinging loss, I want to draw your attention to a few other things:

1. Kudos to Charles Barkley for wearing a BLUE suit! What was up with the Tan Tan Club (as I started calling the other three commentators)? Don't they have a production assistant or some other roadie to say, "Um...fellas? Y'all realize you are basically wearing the same outfit, right? I mean....you look retarded"? Aren't they married? Don't they have girlfriends? Cuz after all, any woman will tell you - don't get caught dead in the same dress as some other ho at the party. Ben pointed out that Magic was actually wearing a three piece suit. This is true. However, it was still all TAN!

2. NBA commentators suck and don't teach me anything about the game. It's true. If you're in the kitchen adding an ice cube to your scotch and can't see the TV screen, you have no godly idea of what's going on with the game. It seems to me that no one is actually calling the game. No play-by-play. Everyone is a fricking color commentator. [And, apparently, the color is tan]. And they never explain the penalties. At one point, I actually had to look up the 3 second violation on the Internet to figure out what the hell was going on! I mean, in the interest of cultivating fans, I think the commentators should explain some of the game's nuances to NBA neophytes like myself. After all, almost everything I know about the NFL I learned from Al Michaels, Frank Gifford, Boomer Esaison, Pat Summerall, and [God help me] John Madden [John taught me that turnovers are bad and the team with the most points at the end of the game wins]. Oh well - maybe the guys over at YouveGottaLoveSports.com can post a primer on penalties in the NBA section of their website so I can refer to it during Game 2.

3. Would someone please tell me what's up with Phantom of the Opera dude? I keep waiting for the commentators to bring us up to speed on Hamilton's mask but....well, see Item 2 above. I mean, I assumed he had a broken facial bone or something, but as far as I can remember [and yes, that's not far] Hamilton was wearing that thing last year as well...so wouldn't a fracture have healed by now? I dunno...there's got to be more to it. I am sure someone can enlighten me....(Kif?)

4. Miami Heat fans are truly a cohesive unit. I've been to dozens of basketball games over the years in places like Seattle, Philadelphia, New York (and even Puerto Rico) but I've never seen a home crowd quite like the Miami one. We went to several games at the Triple A last season and it was a blast! The music is rocking, the fans are rocking, it's crazy! I mean, Miami fans take a theme and run with it! Last year it was Back in Black; this year it's The Red Zone. So many red shirts it looks like the stands are empty! Miami fans follow every move on the court; they are into the game for every second. And let's not overlook a BenJo favorite: Heat Jam Junior! Those kids ROCK OUT! Woo hoo! Jam Jr.! Yeah! You go, kids![Um...I guess you kinda have to be there....] Anyway, even if you're not really a Heat fan, you've gotta admire the Heat fans....

Well, that's all I have to say about Game 1. Here's to a better outcome [for Miami] in Game 2.....

Signed,

Sassy Sportsfan

Teacher Drops The Ball

Math Test Fumbles Football Question

This is why math teachers make lousy football coaches.

Sith Sucks

'Star Wars' Earns Record-Breaking $158.5M

And I'm one of the idiots who helped that lame-ass movie break the record. I want a refund.

If you are a Star Wars fan, the following may offend you. Then again, if you really are a fan, you already know what I am about to say: The latest Star Wars movie is a complete dud. Do you know why? I'll tell you:

1. There's no suspense*. No drama. I mean, we already know the ending before the movie starts: Anakin becomes Darth Vader (gets awful sinusitis and suffers some hideous disfigurement that requires him to wear that ridiculous mask); Padme/Amidala has twins Luke and Leia; Obi Wan survives; Yoda survives; R2D2 survives; C3PO survives; others die. The end. If you saw the first Star Wars movie (which was actually Episode 4) - and who hasn't - you know all that stuff. Why did I pay EIGHT BUX (plus tax) for that news? Knowing the fate of the main characters makes it difficult to get invested in the story. When Anakin and Obi Wan are fighting "to the death"....um.....well...BORING! (Ben said the best part was actually seeing Darth Vader's face catch on fire. As usual, he's right.) Anyway, I want a refund.

2. No good one-liners. Long gone are the days of hunky Han Solo and his dry sense of humor. Shit - even Chewbacca delivered a couple good one-liners back in the day. I think the only attempt at a cute quip in this latest installation was Anakin noting that their spacecraft was "coming in too hot" for a safe landing (the craft was on fire). Ha. Ha. Ha. I nearly peed myself. Seriously. The dialogue in this movie was so lame, repetitious, and devoid of any humor, I thought I was listening to John Madden on Monday night football. Yep. I definitely want a refund.

3. The battle scenes are drawn out and boring. As I said before, when you know the outcome of a fight, you tend to lose interest and prefer to focus on something more suspenseful, like whether your fingers can reach that last Raisenette stuck way down in the bottom of the box. Oh and by the way - I am so over the light saber. I get it: it's neon-colored, retractable, and hums. Big deal. I have a toy in my nightstand like that and, trust me, it provides way more excitement!


Did I mention I want a refund?

Seriously though, I feel like George Lucas had about 35 minutes' worth of material which he managed to stretch out to 2 hours of my life that I won't be getting back.

The only good thing about the whole ordeal was that I got to snuggle up to Ben, who was trying to keep me warm in the fricking frigid cinema. That, and the fact that I learned there's a new movie coming out with Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson and Christopher Walken. The Wedding Crashers. Now that's entertainment! I can't wait! Woo hoo!

Signed,

Sith-To-My-Stomach Sassy

* Sassy's Suggestion for Sith Suspense: Darth Sidious kidnaps Padme and holds her hostage until Anakin agrees to cross over to the Dark Side. We never know what happens while she is in captivity, but she keeps having nightmares about giving birth prematurely, even though she is still pregnant. Later, we learn that Darth Sidious has aborted Padme's pregnancy and impregnated her with his own evil seed!

Seriously, wouldn't that make Darth Vader's famous line ("Luuuke...I'm your father") much more interesting if we found out at the very end of it all that Darth Vader was sadly misinformed all along?? I'm just saying.....

Finally....The Burning Question Is Answered...

...and the answer is: briefs.


Saddam? Or just damn sad...?

Well, folks - now that I've seen this image, I may never have sexual intercourse again. I have delivered the bad news to Ben.... He thinks I'm joking....

Seriously, though - I have to dash over to the hospital to get my eyeballs and frontal lobe surgically removed.

Signed,

Soon-to-be Sightless Sassy

P.S. I think Saddam might be in dire need of a "personal shopping experience". Perhaps a visit from "Queer Eye for the Hate Guy"? Or maybe Martha Stewart could send over the pattern to that little prison poncho number she was rocking when she got sprung?


Yep. This would have definitely looked better on Hussein.

Anyway - gotta go. These eyes ain't gonna cut themselves out.....

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Nevada Governor Signs "Anti-Pimp" Law

Or as I prefer to call it: Pimp Prosecution Based On Ho's Say-So.

Say what?! You mean to tell me that, without any corroborating evidence from a third-party, a gentleman may now be prosecuted as a pimp, based solely on the testimony of a prostitute? What is the world coming to?!

Seriously. This new law is epic! It's like the one where they gave women the right to vote....

A Cut Above The Test[es]

Woman charged with cutting husband's penis

How many times do I have to tell you guys not to let angry women tie you up?

This Bud's For You...And This Pink Slip Too

Budweiser Employee Drinks Coors, Gets Fired

Yikes! That's harsh. Well, truth is, I don't blame them for firing this guy. I mean, if you're going to be disloyal to the Budweiser brand, at least trade up! Seriously, dude. At least say you got caught drinking a Sam Adams, or a Guinness, or a Banks beer! Jeez! Everyone knows that the only difference between Coors and Bud is the color of the label. Other than that, both so-called "beers" possess qualities oddly similar to carbon monoxide: They are odorless, tasteless, and put you to sleep.

Oh well. Maybe Coors will send the dude a case of Rocky Mountain High to console him. As for me, I'm sticking to my vodka (and my scotch...and my Mount Gay rum...). By the way, if any liquor distributors are reading this, feel free to direct complimentary cases of those fine spirits to my attention, care of Sassy Travels.

Ciao for now! (It's Happy Hour...)

Sassy Swiller