Survivor: Fort Lizzle (Day 8)

Dude, when I finally make it on to the CBS hit reality show Survivor, I'll be set. Thanks to Hurricane Wilma, I will arrive at the first day of shooting with the following items in my arsenal [heh heh ..."arsenal"... I just realized what a funny word that is ... sorry ... it's the vodka talking ... back to the show....]:

A Sassy Survivor's Checklist:

1. First of all, obviously, I would bring the aforementioned vodka (a big bottle). Seriously, can you picture how funny that show would be if people were allowed to get all boozed up? You'd have juicy soundbites such as the following between me and Bobby Jon:

Bobby Jon: Look. At tonight's tribal council, I think we should vote off Cindy.

Sassy: Who?

Bobby Jon: Cindy. She's lazy. Yesterday, while the rest of us were busting our asses gathering fire wood, do you know what she was doing?

Sassy: Who?

Bobby Jon: Cindy! Jeez-us! Pay attention, would ya?! Anyway, I'm just saying that girl is USELESS! We should totally vote her off.

Sassy: Who?

And so on .... I envision Bobby Jon getting really pissed off and quitting the show due to the loud partying and total lack of motivation caused by my addition to the camp. Yep. Vodka would make that show a lot more entertaining. Of course, when we fall into the fire, fatigue won't be the cause.

2. Assuming I could strap it to my back prior to jumping off the launch boat, I'd also bring a generator. Look, I know it would probably make me sink like a rock to the bottom of the ocean (and drowning is bad, I guess) but maybe I could convince some of the younger men in my tribe to help me with it. In exchange, I'd promise to let them watch football with me. Heck, maybe I'd let them have a couple shots of vodka too. Yep. A generator would make that whole ordeal completely do-able. Think about it: you could make coffee in the morning, blog in the afternoons, and watch Extras [the best damn show on TV, period]. I'd be the most popular chick on the island.

3. I'd also totally bring ice. I know, I know ... who needs ice when you've got vodka. But the truth is, I prefer my screwdrivers chilled. Also, and check this, it turns out that when ice melts, it turns into water! Who knew!?! See all the valuable shit you learn when you live through a hurricane?

4. My final item would be my cell phone. Seriously, I couldn't have made it through this week (and the weeks to come) without it. Not only are cell phones handy for logging onto the internet, I find the game Collapse! quite entertaining in the dark. Of course, the entertainment value of anything soars when you're half-cocked on vodka and ice after a full day of watching football. I'd also use my cell phone to take naughty "upskirt" shots of my fellow camp-mates and then post them on the web. Dude, I'd make a killing with that website! Winning the million dollars would just be gravy. [Ed. Note: If you don't know what an upskirt shot is, Google it at your own risk....]

Anyway, that's the list. If you have any suggested additions, feel free to let us know.

Seriously though, the point of this post is to let you know that we're still surviving here in Fort Lizzle, even though it's a week after Wilma and we still have no electricity and they just announced that the courthouse will be closed "indefinitely". The good news is, Brownie's, one of our fave bars, is open (by candlelight) and My Market still has beer. What else do Sassy storm survivors need?

Oh - and Sam is simply thrilled with it all. He thinks this is one big party, what with the Cap'n being home all day and the millions of sticks (a/k/a storm debris) laying around. Way to make the most of it, Sammy!

Well, time to head home and fire up the generator so we can make some more ice ... you know ... for the vodka ... and Monday Night Football! Go Steelers!

Signed,
Sassy Survivor


[This post courtesy of Brew Urban Cafe, located at 209 SW 2nd Ave, Fort Lauderdale! Thanks, John, for getting a kickass generator and WiFi service!]

Tags: Sassy Travels; Hurricane Wilma; Fort Lauderdale; : Survivor; : Extras

This Just In: No Power 'Til Turkey Day

So, according to Florida Power & Light ("FPL"), us folks in Broward County will be the last to get electricity. That's no surprise given the number of downed poles and dangling lines around our 'hood. So no electricity until November 22. Lovely. But I have some great news - we still have to boil our water. Oh - and they extended our curfew to 11 pm. Woo hoo!

The courthouses will be closed until after next week. Again, no surprise given all the busted out windows (see photo above) and paperwork strewn all over downtown Fort Lizzle. [Hopefully, my parking ticket is among the missing documents ....]

The lines for gas, water, and ice are simply depressing. Not to worry, though: Sassy is sucking it up and drinking her scotch without ice and without water! That Sassy ... what a trooper!

We've been entertaining ourselves by playing Yahtzee (the series is tied 3-3) and napping. Later on today, we will add to all that excitement by siphoning gas out of our cars to feed the generator. Good times, good times.

If you are planning to send us a care package, please feel free to include any (or all) of the following items (sorted in order of priority):

1. Funyuns;
2. Jamesons;
3. Svedka; and
4. Solar panels (shaving while shivering in an ice cold shower simply sucks!)

Here's an example of the light and power situation around town...

Yep. We'll be grilling our turkey ....

Well, y'all know the drill by now... Cell phone battery running low, and it's time to top off my drink.

Signed,
Shaved Sassy

P.S. Keep an eye on Hurricane Beta!

Tags: Sassy Travels; Hurricane Wilma; Fort Lauderdale

Update From The Wilma-Zone

Hey folks! We're still alive and kicking in the Wilma-Zone (formerly known as Fort Lauderdale). We have tried to upload some photos but they may look fuzzy depending on cell phone service.

"U Loot, We Shoot" is one of our fave photos. Second only to the one I took of my client's office building (see below). Doesn't it look like a small plane flew into it? Needless to say, the sprinkler system went off throughout the rest of the building so no office was spared. Guess I won't be able to work for a while.....Darn.

Well, we have a generator and water service has been restored. All in all, we are better off than pretty much everyone else and we were certainly better prepared. For example, while Sassy has run out of vodka, she rallied by switching to Malibu rum earlier today. Thereafter, she has announced that she will move on to scotch, followed by Mount Gay rum, then gin, and finally, as a last resort, tequila. We figure this will keep her going at least 'til early next week. So there will be no rioting ... yet.

In other, interesting news, Playdough has taken to sleeping in our bed. Apparently, Wilma provided him with a license to chill on 600 thread count sheets. We are not sure what prompted this sudden sense of camaraderie, but we will let it slide for now.

Ok - cell phone battery running low and I think Jeb Bush is flying over so I better get out and flash him! Enjoy the photos! Will post more later!

A Common Scene in the Wilma-Zone

Signed
Sassy Survivor


Tags: Sassy Travels; Hurricane Wilma; Fort Lauderdale

WILMA WOBBLED

From Sassy's point of view right now. Getting hammered during Hurricane Wilma... I mean "by" Hurricane Wilma.

Chicken Choking Condemned!

Well, we knew it would happen sooner or later. Animal rights activists have finally stepped forward to ban chicken choking across the land. Apparently, it was getting ... um ... out of hand.

Concerned about the message conveyed to children by the toy that flaps and squawks when strangled, opponents claim it will encourage kids to test their handy skills on real live animals and then have to face the wrath of an angry pet. Interesting theory, to be sure, but misguided and naive nonetheless. After all, half those kids are gonna choke their chickens with or without exposure to playtime poultry.

Besides, I didn't see anyone stepping up to prohibit My Little Pony sales. I mean, do you have any idea what a real live horse would do to you if you dressed it in a fake grass skirt, glued a bird to its butt, hung a guitar around its neck, and dipped it in purple dye? My friend, the ass-kicking you'd get would be heard around the world. [And then I'd blog it.]

Listen up, white people! If you're really worried about leading the little folk astray, shouldn't you really focus on banning toy soldiers, toy guns, and half the hoochie-mama dolls I see advertised when I'm trying to watch SpongeBob SquarePants? [Seriously, dude. Have y'all seen the Flava dolls?!? If not, I encourage you to read about them here.]

Anyway, before I go off on a total rant, let's pause, reflect, and remember what's really important: It's Saturday morning and my vodka cocktail ain't gonna drink itself. So, I leave you with the words of the "amused and mystified" toymaker, Gary Johnstone, who wondered what all the flap was about. After all, chicken choking is a harmless endeavor and, as Johnstone put it, something that "is used to relieve stress."

Amen, brother. If I had a chicken, I'd choke it right now... you know, just to prove a point.

Signed,
Saucy Sassy

Tags: chicken choking; chicken toy; toys; news; flava doll; animal rights

Sassy Travels Administrative Announcement

New Sassy Features!

If you haven't been exploring this blog, shame on you! In addition to reading our current posts, we encourage you to delve into the awesome archives. But more importantly, be sure to waste some of your valuable time with these new features on Sassy Travels:

• Headline News, with additional sports, entertainment, travel, and quirky news coverage
  
• Interactive Sassy Polls - Cast your vote! These issues are important! Questions change frequently so check back often!
  
• Daily Cartoons
  
• Today in History Factoids
• Daily Horoscopes
• E-Greeting Card Service - Send one today!
  
• Guest Map
  

We deliver these services to entertain our loyal readers (and to further our plan of world domination by causing each of you to get fired from your very grown-up jobs).

Cheers!

Signed,
The Administration

Tags: Sassy Travels

So That's What Happened To Me....

Now y’all know I love reading about new scientific discoveries and advances in modern medicine. I really do. After all, I was the one who told you ladies how to rid yourselves of roaches. And I'm the one who challenged the theory that spineless animals feel no pain. So let me be the first to advise you of the latest news in medicine: husbands make wives sick.

Shocking, I know.

But seriously.... According to Japanese doctors, it's official. They even have a name for it: "RHS". [I think the docs say "RHS" stands for "Retired Husband Syndrome" but I prefer to consider the "R" flexible such that it could stand for other things like "Retarded" or "Rat-bastard". These are just examples.] Anyway, thanks to hanging around her husband, one desperate housewife

developed stomach ulcers, her speech began to slur and rashes broke out around her eyes. When doctors discovered polyps in her throat but could find no medical reason for her sudden burst of ailments, she was referred to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed stress-related RHS.

Jeez-us! I don't know about you all, but when I read that poor woman's symptoms, visions of Linda Blair in The Exorcist came to mind. For real! I mean, that lady's husband must be especially toxic!

Well, vile visions aside, I, for one, am thoroughly thrilled that doctors have finally admitted what I've been saying all along. Y'all have no idea how demoralizing it is to try to tell a team of emergency room physicians what triggered your projectile vomiting, blinding migraines, and uncontrollable urge to scream, only to have them accuse you of being paranoid and vindictive. Take that, you doubting docs! I'm not vindictive, just vindicated.

Anyway, this news is the first step to finding a cure for RHS. Maybe we can finally get federal funding to fight this epidemic. We'll have RHS rallies and we'll sell rubber bracelets and ribbon pins to show our solidarity (is burnt sienna already taken?). We'll march on Capitol Hill. We'll have telethons and marathons and drinkathons. Please, don't let this disease spread!


Who's with me?

Signed,
Sassy Survivor

Tags: retired husband syndrome; medicine; psychiatry; marriage; sassy travels; science

A Post From Playdough, The Cat

Breaking News: Dog Bites Owner

Now, I know what you humans are thinking: "This isn't news. Dogs bite their owners all the time!" And, just this once, I have to agree with you. After all, and as my loyal readers know, I have frequently suggested that canines be exiled from existence. Indeed, when I wrote the screenplay for All Dogs Go To Heaven it had a completely different ending...and a completely different title too, for that matter....


But I digress.

The point is that this is not your average dogbite story, oh no. To wit, as the Associated Press reports:

The author of a new state law that allows felony charges against owners of dangerous dogs was hospitalized over the weekend after his own dog attacked him.

Apparently, the "Anti-Dangerous Dog Bill" was passed in an effort to hold dog owners accountable for the actions of their mangy mongrels. Finally! Do you have any idea how many letters I have sent to my congressman suggesting this very law? Of course, my version was simply titled the "Anti-Dog Bill" .... I am not sure why they added the word "dangerous".....

In any event, one anti-pooch politico, Sen. Sue Wilson Beffort, noted that proponents of the legislation had good intentions when they sought to penalize owners of dogs gone wild. "But I guess when it happens in your own family, that's another story," she said. "That's tragic."

Tragic indeed, dear woman. Tragic indeed. In fact, to paraphrase the venerable Vince Vaughn's character in Dodgeball: Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry you just got bit in the butt by the incisors of irony" card. I'd buy one for sure.

Signed,
Playdough

[Ed. Note: As you all know, the opinions and commentary set forth in the preceding post in no way reflect those of Sassy Travels. We have tried to prevent Playdough's posting on this blog. As you can see, we have failed. For that, we are sorry. However, we would like to point out that we are somewhat impressed by the Senator's use of J-Jive. You go, girl!]

BREAKING NEWS: Beware Of Inner Peace!

[Ed. Note: We found this on our new favorite website: WildMind.]

Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to inner peace and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has up to now been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.

Some signs and symptoms of inner peace:

• A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
• An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
• A loss of interest in judging other people.
• A loss of interest in judging self.
• A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
• A loss of interest in conflict.
• A loss of ability to worry (this is a very serious symptom).
• Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
• Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
• Frequent attacks of smiling.
• An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
• An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

WARNING: If you have some or all of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition of inner peace may be so far advanced as to not be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed at your own risk.

Sassy Travels encourages all of our loyal readers to spend some time on the WildMind website! Enjoy! And ... you're welcome!

Signed
Serene 'n' Sassy


Tags: Sassy Travels

Don't Take Shots From Strangers!

From Sassy's point of view right now.... Clubbing in Lauderdale.

Happy Birthday Sassy!

Yep. Today is the big day. Sassy is officially 39 years old!

Where the hell did the time go?! And why, oh why, did I spend so much of it not having fun? Well, thanks to the Cap'n, I am definitely making up for lost fun time now! No regrets, no commercials! [In case you are new to the Blog, that's J-Jive ... look it up.]

So check this out: According to Tarot.com, my "card of day" is the Queen of Swords. Here is their description of that particular card:

General Meaning: Representing the energy of a Queen, this feminine power was traditionally known as a widow, crone or divorcee. In modern times, she can be viewed as a model of self-sufficiency, independence and intelligence. She often has extremely high standards due to her subtle sensitivities, which can be perceived by those around her as being critical or hard to please. Her true motive is to refine the world, to upgrade peoples' understanding -- so that everyone can have the space they need to become fully themselves.

She is not interested in conforming. She is too intelligent to be confined to the role of housewife or nursemaid, although she is perfectly competent in those areas. She chooses her associations (or her solitude), and is seldom caught up in dependent relationships -- at least not for long. Her intelligence is not always the most comfortable to be around, but she can be counted on to see through superficiality and point to the truth of a situation.

Well ... and some of you know me ... that's friggin' creepy, eh? I mean, seriously, I think that chick in the pic is wearing my crown! [Actually, it's a bucket I stole from The Starboard in Dewey Beach during the summer of '99. It came with a dozen Rolling Rock beers ... and a very cute bartender... but I digress. I got the sword at a flea market in Lancaster, Pa. I think it used to belong to one of those Renaissance Faire dudes.]

Anyway, the point is ... wait ... what is the point?! The point is I am sitting here wasting time talking to you people when I should be out drinking! It's almost 10 a.m. already for cripe's sake!

'Nuff said. It's time to celebrate!

Signed,
Sword-wielding Sassy


Tags: Sassy Travels; tarot

From Sassy's point of view right now. Sitting on the aft deck of our boat, Drifters Escape...in Key West!